The Hobbit

Bilbo Baggins:
I'm Mr. Bilbo Baggins, I've lost my dwarves, my wizard and my way.

Bilbo Baggins:
A box without hinges, key, or a lid, yet golden treasure inside is hid.

Gollum:
Eggs! Eggs is the answer.

Thorin:
May the hair on his toes never fall off!

Smaug:
Be done with your riddles. What else brought you, lake man?

Bilbo Baggins:
Revenge!

Smaug:
Revenge?

Bilbo Baggins:
Surely you must realize that your success has made you some bitter enemies.

Smaug:
[evil chuckling] Revenge? You? HA! I am SMAUG! I kill when I wish! I am strong, strong, STRONG! My armor is like tenfold shields! My teeth are like swords! My claws, spears! The shock of my tail, a thunderbolt! My wings, a hurricane! And my breath... DEATH! Well? Where are your riddles now?

Gandalf the Grey:
[Bilbo and Gandalf enter Thorin's tent. Thorin lies dying] I have brought him.

Thorin:
Farewell. good thief. I wish to part in friendship, and would take back my words at the gate.

Bilbo Baggins:
There were many words I would take back, also.

Thorin:
And does it take this to make us to see each other?

Bilbo Baggins:
Thorin...

Thorin:
Hush. You are no coward, my friend. I am sorry I so named you.

Bilbo Baggins:
This is not important...

Thorin:
I was wrong. You did understand war. It was I who did not... until now.

Bilbo Baggins:
Farewell, King Under the Mountain.

Thorin:
Child of the kindly West, I have come to know, if more of us valued your ways - food and cheer above hoarded gold - it would be a merrier world. But sad or merry, I must leave it now. Farewell.

Bilbo Baggins:
[crying] Farewell, Thorin.

Bilbo Baggins:
No hat, no stick, no pipe, not even a pocket handkerchief. How can one survive?

Gandalf the Grey:
Bilbo Baggins?

Bilbo Baggins:
Uh, yes.

Gandalf the Grey:
I am looking to hire a burglar.

Bilbo Baggins:
Burglar. I'm afraid you've come to the wrong place.

Gandalf the Grey:
You mean you do not wish to share a grand adventure?

Bilbo Baggins:
Dear me, no. We, Hobbits, are plain quiet folk. Adventures make one late for dinner

Gandalf the Grey:
[Lighting and thunder strikes] Enough. I am Gandalf. And Gandalf means ME.

[as the Battle of Three - ultimately Five - Armies opens, the Men and Elves and Dwarves charge each other... all from different angles]

Men:
Scurvy dwarves! Thieving dwarves! Kill them!

Elves:
Kill the dwarves! Chop them up! Take their heads!

Dwarves:
Kill the men! Kill the elves! Save the gold for ourselves!

Bilbo Baggins:
[bringing up the dwarves' rear] Personally, I'd rather be back in Hobbitton.

[as Bilbo and the dwarves are getting ready for the Battle of Three - ultimately Five - Armies, "Mister Baggins" complains about his ill-fitting war-gear]

Bilbo Baggins:
This is deucedly uncomfortable. I'm certain to get a rash!

Thorin:
That armor was forged in the foundaries of my grandfather. Wear it proudly, and it will carry you to victory!

Bilbo Baggins:
Confusticate and be-bother victory! I hope only to be taken prisoner as quickly as possible!

Thorin:
Those are the words of a COWARD!

Bilbo Baggins:
The coward who flushed out Smaug? The coward who saved you time and time again? The coward who always went forward while you cringed behind?

Thorin:
You don't see us cringing NOW, do you?

Bilbo Baggins:
This is MADNESS! Fourteen against ten thousand, and yet you march off to certain destruction as merrily as if you were on your way to another tea party!

Thorin:
Your kind will never understand war, hobbit. This is WAR!

[Bilbo has entered the Lonely Mountain, which once housed a kingdom of dwarves, but which is now Smaug's lair - Smaug is sleeping on a hill of gems and other riches, but wakes up when Bilbo reaches the heart of the mountain]

Smaug:
Well, thief? I smell you, I feel your air - and I hear your breath. Come along! Help yourself; there's plenty, AND to spare.

Bilbo Baggins:
[who is invisible] Oh... thank you, Smaug the Magnificent! I did not come for wealth. I wish only to have a look at you, and see if you are truly as great as tales say; I did not believe them!

Smaug:
[flattered]... Do you now?

Bilbo Baggins:
They fall utterly short of reality, King SMAUG Under the Mountain!

Smaug:
Hmmm... You have nice manners for a thief - and a LIAR.

Gandalf the Grey:
This is a map of Lonely Mountain, presented to me 100 years ago by your father.

Thorin:
Why wasn't it given to me, the rightful heir?

Gandalf the Grey:
I have chosen my own time to give it to you.

Bilbo Baggins:
Oh, I do love maps! I have quite a collection of them.

Thorin:
Bah! I remember the mountain well enough without it.

Gandalf the Grey:
Indeed. And how do you intend to enter Smaug's chambers? Through the front gate? As a houseguest? You would be ashes before you took your seventh step.

Bilbo Baggins:
The Eagles! The Eagles are coming!

[Thorin has just finished explaining the story of Smaug and Lonely Mountain]

Bilbo Baggins:
So this is why you're here? To help you reclaim the gold?

Gandalf the Grey:
None other. [Bilbo squeals and faints]

Bilbo Baggins:
Bother burglary and everything to do with it!

Gollum:
[Bilbo has just escaped with the ring] Thief! Thief! Baggins! We hates it! Hates it! FOREVER!

Troll #1:
Blast! Nothin' but mutton to eat.

Troll #3:
How I long for a bit of man-flesh!

Bard:
Black arrow! You've never failed me, and I've always recovered you. I had you from my father, and he from of old. If ever you came from the forges of the true King under the Mountain, go now and speed well!

Gandalf the Grey:
Surely you don't disbelieve the prophecies because you helped bring them about? You don't really suppose, do you, that all your adventures and escapes were managed by mere luck, just for your sole benefit? You're a very fine person, Mr. Baggins, and I'm very fond of you, but you're only quite a little fellow in a wide world, after all.

Bilbo Baggins:
Thank goodness!

Bilbo Baggins:
Perhaps you know the way out?

Gollum:
Yes, gollum. But perhaps we sits here and chats with it a bitsy, my precious. It likes riddles?

Bilbo Baggins:
Oh, stop complaining! I never promised to burgle you first class accommodations.

[as the Goblins arrive]

Thorin:
Oh great Elf King, my truest friend and ally, we must join our forces against this common scourge!

Elvenking:
But of course, oh noble King Under the Mountain. Your people are like brothers unto mine.

Bard:
And my men and all their weapons are as one with yours! Together we will vanquish the fell foe...

Everyone:
TOGETHER!

Bilbo Baggins:
Thorin is correct, I simply do not understand war...

[as Bilbo escapes Erebor]

Dori:
We should have gone with him!

Thorin:
To be roasted alive?

Dwarves:
[Bilbo comes out] It's the burglar.

Dori:
Free cheers for good old Bilbo.

Bilbo Baggins:
Thank you. But I'd appreciate a more pragmatic salute. In other words... EXTINGUISH ME!