The Hole

Martyn:
Liz and Frankie are almost the same person. Boring, vain, shallow enough to paddle in.

Mike:
And then there's all those exciting exams to look forward to.

Frankie:
Way to look on the positive side.

Mike:
No, no, no. I've got a hard-on for these exams, they're great.

Geoff:
You've got a hard-on for everything.

Mike:
Not for you, mate.

Mike:
For me, all for me. I killed my best friend, you let me think I was going to die, and you watched me kill my best friend. I killed him for a f***ing coke! You let Frankie die! You held her hand and you let her die.

Frankie:
What's the time now?

Mike:
Same as when you asked two minutes ago.

Frankie:
Well it can't be the same time if two minutes have passed, can it.

Geoff:
It's three thirty-two, then.

Frankie:
I hate beaches. All that sand up your crack and nowhere to pee apart from the ocean.

Martyn:
When you're convinced of your own absolute superiority, you don't need help from mere mortals like me. You can f*** things up all by yourself.

Geoff:
So what? You're gonna go home to an empty house and f*** the maid like you did last Easter.

Mike:
You haven't seen the maid.

Frankie:
But why? I mean why would he do this to us? We're his friends!

Mike:
Are we? Is he really your friend, Frankie? I know he's not mine. Think about it- I don't know a thing about Martyn.

Martyn:
No, no, no, no, no - you love me! It's a Martyn Taylor fact. Has there been a day in the last five years that we haven't talked?

Elizabeth Dunn:
But you're more like a gay friend than a boyfriend.

Martyn:
But I'm not gay!

Jogging Rugby Players:
Yeah, right!

Elizabeth Dunn:
Have you ever loved anyone so much you didn't care what happened to yourself? You just had to be with them. If they look at you, your heart stops. If you feel their breath on your skin, you just ache. Have you ever craved anyone so much you didn't exist any more?

Dr. Philippa Horwood:
No.

Elizabeth Dunn:
I have.

Martyn:
[interrogation] And how do you know it was me? Do you have CCTV stock footage of me creeping about or a stack of witnesses with 20/20? Do you even have a motive? A reason why I should lock up a bunch of socialites and throw away the key. No matter how tempting that may sound.

DI Chapman:
Martin, we know how you did it, why you did it, the whole f***ing lot. Elizabeth has told us everything.

Martyn:
[looks at table in disbelief] I knew Liz was f***ed in the head but I never knew she was this vicious. Liz hates me, you do know that? You got a pen?

[Frankie fakes being sick after Liz holds up her cue card]

Elizabeth Dunn:
I'm really worried about her. She needs a doctor.

Mike:
Well, that's obvious. I thought you were supposed to be smart.

[Liz holds up the 'Toilet' cue card]

Geoff:
I bet it's that dirty toilet water that's making her ill.

Elizabeth Dunn:
It's not my fault.

Geoff:
Yes. It. Is.

[everyone restrains laughter]

Geoff:
[Frankie leaves after he tries to undresses her] What am I meant to do with the old man?

Frankie:
Suck it off, big boy!

Geoff:
After you start to feel thirsty, you find yourself feeling impatient, maybe even a little sick. And your pulse starts to go up, then there's the headaches, dizziness... when it gets bad, your vision will blur and you'll find it hard to walk and talk. Your tongue swells up, your skin shrivels, you twitch, you go deaf and then you die.

Elizabeth Dunn:
This way he just stays perfect.

Elizabeth Dunn:
I'm not going to ruin my life.