The House of Yes

Mrs. Pascal:
Jackie and Marty belong to each other. Jackie's hand was holding Marty's penis when they came out the womb.

Lesly:
I can't talk that way about your brother.

Jackie-O:
Pretend he is not my brother, I do.

Jackie-O:
I watch soap operas. I bake brownies. Normalcy is coursing through my veins.

Jackie-O:
Were you poor? Did you eat chicken pot pie?

Jackie-O:
You be him, and I'll be her.

Mrs. Pascal:
Oh my God, I sounded just like a mother! Didn't I sound just like a mother?

Marty:
You are a mother.

Mrs. Pascal:
I know, but I still can't believe it. I look at you people and wonder, how did you ever fit in my womb?

Lesly:
This is how you raised them?

Mrs. Pascal:
People raise cattle. Children just happen.

Lesly:
You were spying on us?

Mrs. Pascal:
A mother doesn't spy. A mother pays attention.

Jackie-O:
We all have our secrets.

Lesly:
[about Marty's ex-girlfriend] Is she still here, in Washington?

Jackie-O:
Very much so. I wonder...

Lesly:
What?

Jackie-O:
No, it's none of my business.

Lesly:
What?

Jackie-O:
Well, if he plans to get together with her while he's home.

Lesly:
Why didn't he marry her?

Jackie-O:
He couldn't.

Lesly:
Why not?

Jackie-O:
It was a family thing.

Lesly:
Families objected?

Jackie-O:
Something like that.

Lesly:
He never told me.

Jackie-O:
Men and their secrets.

Lesly:
Not all men have secrets.

Jackie-O:
We all have our secrets.

Lesly:
So what if I slept with his brother? He slept with his sister!

Anthony:
Would you like a glass of Liebfraumilch?

Lesly:
No thank you. I'll just have a glass of wine.

Marty:
That's the name of the wine.

Lesly:
Oh! [laughs] I don't speak french.

Jackie-O:
Who does?

Anthony:
You do.

Jackie-O:
Oh, that's right, I do. [smiles]

Lesly:
So what does that name mean?

Jackie-O:
In french?

Lesly:
[nods]

Jackie-O:
I think it means something German.

Marty:
It means, "loving mother's milk."

Lesly:
You speak french?

Marty:
No. German.

Marty:
Leslie, this is Jackie-O.

Lesly:
Hi!

Marty:
My Mother. Anthony. Meet Leslie. Leslie and I are engaged!

Jackie-O:
[screams hysterically, then laughs hysterically]

Jackie-O:
[still laughing] I have to find my hairbrush.

Lesly:
Oh, I have a comb.

Jackie-O:
[squints angrily, then runs away]

Jackie-O:
It's okay, Anthony. I understand.

Anthony:
Understand what?

Jackie-O:
Just because Marty's attracted to girls doesn't mean you have to be.

Anthony:
I'm attracted to girls!

Jackie-O:
Really? Are you sure?

Anthony:
Yes!

Jackie-O:
Hmm...

Anthony:
[to Jackie] I hear you crying at night alone in your room.

Anthony:
[to Marty] I hear her crying at night alone in her room.

Marty:
[to Jackie] You cry at night alone in your room?

Anthony:
Hey, don't make fun of her! I won't let you make fun of her.

Marty:
I wasn't going to make fun of her. I was going to ask her what she cries about.

Jackie-O:
[turns away] What do you think? You want somebody for a very long time. And then you have them. And they love you. And they make love to you. But it's not enough. This is the truth about sex.

Anthony:
Is that why Peter was lousy in bed?

Jackie-O:
I'm not talking about Peter, Anthony.

Jackie-O:
[turns towards them, crying] Jesus, I'm talking about Marty.

Jackie-O:
Marty and I tell each other everything.

Lesly:
Everything?

Jackie-O:
We're twins.

Lesly:
Did he tell you about his other girlfriends?

Jackie-O:
Did he tell *you* about his other girlfriends?

Lesly:
There was one, he said.

Jackie-O:
[eyes open wide] Did he tell you about her?

Lesly:
No, what was she like?

Jackie-O:
Who?

Lesly:
The girl.

Jackie-O:
She wasn't a girl. She was a woman.

Lesly:
She was *older* than Marty.

Jackie-O:
No, they were almost exactly the same age. Talk about glamorous. She was glamorous.

Lesly:
I thought so.

Jackie-O:
Sorry, no pancakes today, I'm afraid!

Marty:
Are you being wise?

Jackie-O:
One day I woke up wise.

Marty:
One day I woke up stupid.

Jackie-O:
What'd you do?

Marty:
I went back to bed.

Jackie-O:
That was wise.

Jackie-O:
Goo is what tape is all about. Goo is what makes it tape instead of *paper*.

Jackie-O:
Well, there's something I've been meaning to ask you. There's this thing I've heard, and if I thought for one second it was true I'd probably kill myself. Does your fiancee work - in a doughnut shop?

Jackie-O:
I went through all this trouble to get sane, so you can't just leave.

Mrs. Pascal:
Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go baste the turkey and hide the kitchen knives.

Jackie-O:
Pennsylvania's just this state that's in your way when you're trying to get someplace else.

Jackie-O:
Love is for tiny people with tiny lives.

Jackie-O:
What about what *we* have?

Marty:
*Had*

Jackie-O:
I don't recognize the past tense.

Jackie-O:
Sorry about that, by the way, I didn't mean to maim you. I only meant to kill you.

Marty:
These things happen.

Mrs. Pascal:
I really have no idea who my children belong to.

Jackie-O:
No, Peter and I have nothing in common. You and I, Marty, have a lot in common; parents, dna, bone structure.

Anthony:
I always carry crazy glue.

Jackie-O:
They've switched me - I used to be green, now I'm brown. I wanted my pills to match my eyes. Color me beautiful!

Anthony:
Nobody *buys* matches. People *find* matches.

Mrs. Pascal:
There is no television and no food. What else is there to stay up for?

Anthony:
What did it look like?

Jackie-O:
It looked like a hairbrush, like a brush you brush your hair with.

Mrs. Pascal:
Was it pink?

Jackie-O:
Yes, it was pink, goddamn it! It was pink! It was pink and now is gone!

Mrs. Pascal:
What's that gun doing there?

Jackie-O:
It's not a gun. It's a camera.

Mrs. Pascal:
It's a gun.

Jackie-O:
It's a camera that looks like a gun.

Marty:
Relax, Mama, it isn't loaded.

Mrs. Pascal:
How do you know?

Marty:
I checked.

Mrs. Pascal:
What's it doing there?

Jackie-O:
Being gunlike, gunesque, gunonic.

Mrs. Pascal:
Where did it come from?

Jackie-O:
God?

Jackie-O:
Guess where I am? I'm in a box and I can't get out.

Marty:
No. I'm in a box and I can't get out.

Jackie-O:
Well, I'm sorry that wasn't a very good mime, Marty, I didn't see that at all.

Lesly:
I don't think you're insane.

Jackie-O:
You don't?

Lesly:
No.

Jackie-O:
You don't think I'm an eensie weensie bit insane?

Lesly:
I don't think you're insane. I think you're just spoiled.

Jackie-O:
[exasperated] Oh please, if everyone around here is going to start telling the truth, I'm going to bed.

Jackie-O:
I suppose you think I'm going insane just to be fashionable.

Mrs. Pascal:
Did you give your sister her medication?

Anthony:
Uh-huh [eyes Jackie-O]

Lesly:
Does this happen a lot?

Jackie-O:
Every goddamned hurricane!

Mrs. Pascal:
Don't forget your toothbrush!

Jackie-O:
I see Anthony wears a lot of layers around me, don't 'cha Anthony? He's got a tee shirt, a dress shirt, a vest, and a jacket.

Anthony:
I'm wearing a jacket because it's Thanksgiving

Jackie-O:
You weren't wearing it before.

Anthony:
I put it on after Marty got here.

Marty:
I appreciate it. It looks nice.

Anthony:
I think it belonged to a Kennedy.

Marty:
Why? Is there a bullet hole?

Lesly:
Boy, it's been a long day.

Jackie-O:
Not as long as yesterday. Yesterday was 24 whole hours.

Mrs. Pascal:
Men do not marry girls who smell like powdered sugar. They have a sordid affair with them which they recall fondly in their twilight years.