The Impostors

Sir Jeremy Burtom:
[explaining what happened to the First Mate] I've found the stowaways! I've told the Captain but he doesn't seem to understand.

Emily:
We don't find death. It finds us.

Emily:
Do you know the gentleman who stole your wife?

Happy Franks:
[mumbles, as he takes a drink] Danny Sussman.

Emily:
Excuse me?

Happy Franks:
He was my agent.

Emily:
Some agent!

Happy Franks:
He was a great agent. I loved him like a brother, I loved my wife like a mother and a hooker, and look where it's got me, alone, afraid, and I just wanna die!

Emily:
Don't give up, Hap, don't wanna die.

Sparks:
[shaking hands] Do you feel that grip?

First Mate:
I do sir. I do.

Sparks:
Powerful enough to snap the neck of a small beast, and yet sensitive enough to caress the tender throat of a young castrato. Coax a song out of him.

Sparks:
Are either of you Greek?

Arthur:
No.

Maurice:
Well, yes, actually I'm half-Greek.

Sparks:
Top half or bottom half?

Sparks:
Perhaps we should wrestle sometime. Do you like the taut roundness that exercise brings to the buttocks?

Maurice:
[uneasy] Yeah.

Sparks:
Do you enjoy the warmth of the Mediterranean sun on that self-same place? I once wrestled a man on the steps of the Acropolis, when the sun was at its height, wearing only what God sent me into the world with. Can you picture that? That's where we'll wrestle, my semi-Grecian lad. That's where I'll make a man of you.

Meistrich:
The danger of the chase has made you perspire. It has made me also... moist.

[last lines]

Maurice:
[toasting] To life.

Arthur:
And its many deaths.

Arthur:
Oh, no! We're going to die! We're going to...

Maurice:
Don't you see? This will be your great dramatic death!

Arthur:
I DON'T WANT A REAL ONE!

Marco:
But I've never killed anyone before!

Sir Jeremy Burtom:
Well, you''ll have to f***ing learn.

Meistrich:
It's really not that hard.

Sparks:
I jest, I jibe!

Audition Director:
Yello. Oh, hi, hon. Keep going it's my wife the producer. Hi, hi hon. So ah... whassup hun? No, it's, ah, it's going well. Hmm, ah, yeah you know, I said I was sorry and I meant it. No, no. That's why I'm not gonna behave like that anymore. Where are you? What are you doing with him? You what? You're saying to me that you're leaving me for him? This is what you're saying to me? Well, yes, naturally I'm shocked. Of course I'm shocked. I, ah... Does this mean that you're pulling your money out of the show? No. No. I will not find anybody else to put money in this play be... , everyone thinks it's a piece of sh*t. Where are you now, be... because I'm coming down there right now, I'm gonna bite out both your throats.

Happy Franks:
Don't kid a kidder, kid.

Arthur:
[as a cockney beggar] Please, sir, I want some more. Y'see, sir, I've not eaten for fourteen days since me mum died of the group.

Maurice:
Croup.

Arthur:
Croup. Of the croup, she died, leaving me and my mentally ill brother, 'ere, to fend for ourselves. Murdered, she was, in 'er bed by one of 'er johns. Y'see, sir, she sold 'erself to feed us. She compromised 'erself for oursakes, leaving us all alone and 'ungry and 'omeless and my poor brother needs a brain operation and my glaucoma's gettin' worse and sir... SIR!... SIR? I can't see you sir! I can't see you sir! AHH... AHH... I'M BLIND!... AHHHHHHH!

Maurice:
So I insult him?

Arthur:
Yeah, yeah, tell him you think his pastries are no good, okay?

Maurice:
Oh, good idea, good idea.

Arthur:
Yeah. Say that they're stale.

Maurice:
Hey, buddy, your pastries are stale!

Arthur:
Right, but don't say buddy, just say ssss... sss... you're sss...

Maurice:
Your pastries are stale!

Arthur:
Yeah, you, your pastries are stale!

Arthur:
My point is, sir, that you would not know a good creampuff if it jumped up and licked you on the ass.

Maurice:
[has just finished eating a pastry; part of a scheme to get free pastries] I hate them.

Baker in Kramer's Pastries:
Oh, I'm sorry; to each his own. There's another bakery shop down the block whose wares might be more to your liking. Thank you for coming in. [to Arthur] May I help you, sir?

Arthur:
Yes, would you excuse me a moment? I'm sorry, [to Maurice] I couldn't help but overhear, excuse me, sir, um, but may I say that your rudeness to this hard-working gentleman is uncalled for.

Baker in Kramer's Pastries:
Please, sir

Maurice:
I beg your pardon.

Arthur:
No, I beg yours, sir. I happen to know that this gentleman [refers to the baker] is one of the finest pastry chefs on the Eastern seaboard.

Baker in Kramer's Pastries:
Well, thank you.

Arthur:
You're welcome.

Baker in Kramer's Pastries:
Do I know you?

Arthur:
Of course you do.

Maurice:
What's your point?

Arthur:
My point is, sir, that you would not know a good creampuff if it jumped up and licked you on the ass.

Maurice:
Well...

Baker in Kramer's Pastries:
Sir, it's just a difference in taste.

Arthur:
No, no. this man is clearly an imbecile.

Maurice:
Ah, an insult! [quietly to Arthur] I'm in-I'm insulted?

Arthur:
Yes.

Maurice:
I'm insulted! Well, I am!

Arthur:
Oh, well good-good-good-good! Well, I'm glad you are! But I'm sure you're not as insulted as this gentleman!

Baker in Kramer's Pastries:
Oh, I'm not insulted.

Arthur:
Oh, yes you are! The man works all day like a mule to support his miserable family.

Baker in Kramer's Pastries:
Well, here now, my family isn't miserable. We're all quite happy!

Arthur:
No, you're not! You're miserable and pathetic, look at you! [ignoring his protest] All day, working like a lackey from rise to set sweating in the eye of Phoebus!

Baker in Kramer's Pastries:
I love my work!

Arthur:
No, you don't!

[first lines]

Maurice:
[as they discuss an act which they did] I'm sorry.

Arthur:
You stole my death.

Sheik:
[explaining what happened to his gramophone] I was listening to the music, and then there was no more functioning; only silence. And when she was singing no more, I got so exited, I tried to pull it, but I scratched it and I hurt it.

Mrs. Essendine:
[talking about her husband] That philanthropic cocksucker left all the money to the poor and not a dirty dime to me! Oh, Mary, Mother of God, what have I ever done to you? Life... without money is no goddamned life AT ALL! You know that!

Maurice:
[taking off his drag costume] I'm a man!

Sparks:
So am I!

Arthur:
What a fool you are!

Baker in Kramer's Pastries:
I am *not* a fool!

Arthur:
Oh, yes you are!

Maurice:
Sir, you really sholdn't talk to this gentleman that way. You like the cream puffs. I *don't* like the cream puffs.

Arthur:
F*** THE CREAM PUFFS! THIS MAN IS A SLAVE AND AN IDIOT!

Mike:
[about Burtom] Drunken son a b*tch!

First Mate:
[in foreign language] And I'll return to you our deposed queen; who bathed in champagne while we never bathed at all.

Regina, Woman on Radio:
[in foreign language] I bathed.

First Mate:
[in foreign language] WELL, I DIDN'T!

Sir Jeremy Burtom:
Be careful! Anything happens to this profile, it's the death of my film career.

Burtom's Assistant:
You don't have a film career.

Sir Jeremy Burtom:
I'm too f***ing good to have a film career!

Captain:
All aboard!

Lily 'Lil':
[after hearing Arthur reminisce on Paris] You know Paris quite well.

Maurice:
He's never been there.

Arthur:
Not physically.

Bandleader:
Shall we start the first number?

Happy Franks:
Yeah, "The Nearness of You".

Bandleader:
Isn't that a little...

Happy Franks:
[terse] What?

Bandleader:
...slow?

Happy Franks:
Do you know it?

Bandleader:
[uneasy] Yeah.

Bandleader:
Then play it.

Bandleader:
Ok.

Marco:
[Arthur and Maurice explain that the First Mate has planted bombs aboard the ship, but Marco doesn't understand] He's a gardener?

Arthur:
What?

Marco:
Well, how many bulbs did he plant?

Captain:
I'm always a little sad.

Happy Franks:
Don't kid a kidder kid! People are afraid of poverty, of war, of pestilence, of not knowing who they are or what they want, of dogs, and I say - Don't! Don't fear these things! They're not real. You want something to fear? Do you know what to fear? Love. Fear love. Love is real and it is terrifying. If you're going to be afraid, be afraid when someone says...

[he is cut off in mid-sentence as other camera angles show the other characters say "I love you" in different ways]

Johnny Leguard:
[to Mrs. Essendine] I love you.

Maxine:
[to the sheik] Je t'aime.

Captain:
[to the deposed queen] Ti amo.

Meistrich:
[to Lili] Ich liebe dich.

Sparks:
[to Maurice, who is dressed in drag] I lo- [Maurice stops him]

First Mate:
[in foreign language, to bomb which he hid in his coat] I love you.

Emily:
[to Happy] I love you!

Johnny Leguard:
Essendine's a goose ready for cooking.

Meistrich:
[to Lili, about the stowaways] I will hurt them for causing you pain.

Mrs. Essendine:
I'd tip you, but at the moment, I'm clothing rich and money poor.

Meistrich:
May I have this next dance?

Lily 'Lil':
Actually, I...

Meistrich:
EXCELLENT!

Sparks:
[Maurice is in drag and has just slapped him] Was that your best shot, savage gypsy lover?

Sheik:
In my country, we kill the insane.

Meistrich:
[to Lili] You are a wild beast and I must tame you.

Marco:
[trying to shoot a gun] It's just- I hate these things!

Sir Jeremy Burtom:
[to Arthur, who he believes is British] Oh, you're British! Thank God for *that*, old boy, I've been drowning in this sea of Americans. They're all Colonials, too, every man Jack of them.

Captain:
All my life, I look for a woman I once loved. Almond eyes, and the mouth of a cherub.

Arthur:
[in disguise, using a false British accent] I'll have a double Martini. [the bartender reaches for small glass] No, not in that glass. [points to large martini glass with his cane] *That* one.

Bartender with Big Glass:
That one is for display, sir.

Arthur:
It'll do just fine.

Maurice:
[the two are in disguise and Arthur is using a British accent] Should I have an accent, too?

Arthur:
What kind?

Maurice:
I've always wanted to try Indian.

Arthur:
Yeah, but you don't really look Indian.

Johnny Leguard:
[using fake French accent on the phone] This is Monsieur Lagasse in Stateroom Ten. I would like to cognac, Henessey, s'il vous plait. Merci.

[repeated line]

Sir Jeremy Burtom:
Impostors!

Lily 'Lil':
There's just one thing I don't get. If the two of you needed the money so badly, why didn't you just sell the tickets? [Arthur and Maurice exchange puzzled looks] Well, I'm glad you didn't because otherwise, we would have never met.

Maurice:
[mocking Burtom] He has blustered his way to success on the backs of the great supporting players for too long and it's time for us to make a stand and say: 'No, no, Burtom! Be gone!' It is time for us to say: 'No, boozy boy! Bye bye, Burtom, bad boy! Have at thee boy! Boozy, boozy boy! Greasy boy! Saggy farty boy! I poke you! I poke you! I poke you!' Something like that.

Maxine:
Do you love me, Johnny?

Johnny Leguard:
Like a bee loves honey.

Meistrich:
There is desperation in these little foot steps. Now, Lily, your cheeks are flushed, your breasts heave. May I ask, where is the fire?