The In-Laws

Angela Harris:
We've got the FBI on us like trailer trash on Velveeta.

Steve Tobias:
We're the CIA.

Angela Harris:
Great, now I have to kill him.

Steve Tobias:
This wedding is going to be as normal as butter on mashed potatoes.

Jerry Peyser:
"Normal as butter on mashed potatoes"? That lasted about ten minutes.

Jerry Peyser:
That was fun.

Steve Tobias:
Yeah blackmail! Ha ha.

Steve Tobias:
I don't know one person here.

Jerry Peyser:
That's because it's not an arms market.

Jerry Peyser:
I'm sorry I called you the worst father in the world. I'm sure there's at least two or three guys who are worse.

Steve Tobias:
Thank you, Jer.

Jerry Peyser:
Six people on a beach! I could have saved a fortune.

Steve Tobias:
Jer, they're gonna be fine. In fact, the whole family's gonna be just fine.

Mark Tobias:
The one time my father shows up to Cub Scouts and I earn a merit badge in covert evasion techniques.

Mark Tobias:
[walks in the men's restroom while Steve and Angela are sitting up the man Steve beat up] Oh, an unconscious person. You must be working.

Jerry Peyser:
I would contract what they call wet bone.

Jean-Pierre Thibodoux:
I'm curious to know more about wet bone.

Jean-Pierre Thibodoux:
To Fat Cobra in the flesh.

Steve Tobias:
Doctor, do you know what a roofie is?

Jerry Peyser:
Yeah I know what a roofie is, frat boys give them to girls at parties. [Steve nods]

Jerry Peyser:
Oh no. Oh don't rape me. [passes out]

Jerry Peyser:
I got what they call wet bone.

Jean-Pierre Thibodoux:
I'm curious to know more about wet bone.

Jean-Pierre Thibodoux:
People think we are crazy. But they don't know the joy of holding a man's beating heart in the palm of your hand.

Jerry Peyser:
Aww, that's a good feeling.

Jerry Peyser:
Katharine, I am in the bathroom of Barbra Streisand's airplane.

Jean-Pierre Thibodoux:
But there are certain things I can only do with a man, no?

Jerry Peyser:
Like golf?

Jean-Pierre Thibodoux:
No! I am not gay!

Melissa Peyser:
You guys, my dad wouldn't buy a Russian submarine... I mean, he wouldn't even buy a foreign car!

Steve Tobias:
[after large snake is served at ethnic restaurant] Uh, Jerry, you alright? You haven't even touched your food!

Jerry Peyser:
My food is still eating.

Angela Harris:
Is that a fanny pack?

Steve Tobias:
It's cute, isn't it?

Angela Harris:
It's adorable.

Steve Tobias:
So have you ever been to Vietnam?

Katherine Peyser:
No, but we hear it's lovely.

[last lines]

[as Jean-Pierre is being taken away by the police, he waves at Jerry]

Jean-Pierre Thibodoux:
Call me!

Jerry Peyser:
You know something? He might actually like prison.

Steve Tobias:
Like it? He's gonna LOVE it!