The Ipcress File

[Palmer comes home early to find agent Courtney searching his flat]

Courtney:
You're supposed to be at work.

Palmer:
Oh, you are, of course.

Major Dalby:
The next time you use CC1 authority, just you make sure you have it!

Palmer:
You know, it's funny... If Radcliffe had been here, I'd have been... a hero.

Major Dalby:
He wasn't. And you're not.

Major Dalby:
The Americans have put a tail on Palmer.

Colonel Ross:
How very tiresome of them.

Major Dalby:
[of Palmer's dossier] It isn't usual to read a B107 to its subject, Palmer; but I'm gonna put you straight. "Insubordinate. Insolent. A trickster. Perhaps with criminal tendencies."

Palmer:
Yes, that's a pretty fair appraisal - sir.

Major Dalby:
Good. That last quality might be useful. But if I have any trouble with you, Palmer, I shall *bite* you, Palmer, and I shall bite you so hard you'll go right back to where Ross found you!

Palmer:
The fellow whose job I'm taking, will he show me the ropes?

Major Dalby:
Maybe - if you're in touch with the spirit world.

Palmer:
I beg your pardon?

Major Dalby:
He was shot this morning.

Colonel Ross:
[shopping with Palmer] Beef-A-Roni? Extraordinary.

Palmer:
Have you seen everything?

Courtney:
Yes, thank you.

Palmer:
Then you know where the... whiskey is?

Courtney:
Yes.

Palmer:
Fix us both one, will you?

Inspector Keightley:
That little blonde bird you was with the other evening...

Palmer:
Rita?

Inspector Keightley:
That's it. What's her phone number?

Palmer:
You dirty old man!

Inspector Keightley:
Well, you scratch my back and I'll scratch hers.

Palmer:
You ought to be locked up!

Inspector Keightley:
I know.

[Palmer prepares to leave]

Inspector Keightley:
Now wait a minute. What about her telephone number?

Palmer:
Oh... Disconnected!

[Palmer and Dalby are attending a performance of a military band playing Mozart]

Palmer:
Very neat. Must we sit through any more of this torture? I've got a lot of things to do.

Major Dalby:
I think they're playing very well.

Palmer:
Tell me who wins. [gets up and leaves]

Raid Inspector:
It looks as if all this has been laid on for nothing. That's not good enough.

Major Dalby:
According to Central Clearing House, this operation was timed to start at 2.25. You started at 2.35. *That*'s not good enough!

Major Dalby:
And we still have to find Radcliffe, gentlemen. That means more legwork and fewer inspired hunches.

Carswell:
Don't worry, man. You were the only one to come up with anything. He seemed very pleased.

Palmer:
Well, he's got a right comical way of showing it.

Bluejay:
[to a guard] See that there's padding on those straps next time.

Palmer:
You want to make it easy for me?

Bluejay:
No. For *me*.

Colonel Ross:
[after Palmer has shot Dalby] I was counting on you being an insubordinate bastard, Palmer.

Palmer:
You didn't come here to talk to me about button mushrooms and birds.

[Courtney has found a gun in Palmer's apartment]

Courtney:
You know this is unauthorised.

Palmer:
My mother gave it to me for Christmas.

Palmer:
What are you gonna tell Dalby on your L101?

Courtney:
That you like girls.

Palmer:
You got that right.

Courtney:
You're not the tearaway he thinks you are. You also like books, music, cooking.

Palmer:
I like birds best.

Courtney:
Do you always wear your glasses?

Palmer:
Yes. Except in bed.

[Carswell is showing Palmer the title of a book]

Palmer:
[reads] "Induction of Psychoneuroses by Conditioned Reflex Under Stress". What does that mean?

Carswell:
It means I know now why 17 scientists ceased to function.

Palmer:
Yes?

Carswell:
Look again, boy...

Carswell:
[points out the essential letters of the title] I-P-C-R-E-S-S.

Palmer:
Ipcress!