The Jeffersons

George Jefferson:
She's what you call, a domestic.

Louise Jefferson:
You make it sound like a disease!

George Jefferson:
If I paid you to think, you could cash your check at the penny arcade.

Florence Johnston:
Where do you think I cash it now?

Louise Jefferson:
Lionel, you'd better go to your room. I don't want you to get hit by your father.

Lionel Jefferson:
Why would Dad hit me?

Louise Jefferson:
Because I'm not sure just where I'm going to throw him!

Florence Johnston:
How come we overcame and nobody told me?

Mother Jefferson:
I don't have to stay here and be insulted!

Louise Jefferson:
That's right Mother Jefferson, YOU CAN GO ANYWHERE & BE INSULTED!

George Jefferson:
This here is the living area, where we does our living, and this is the dining area, where we does our dining, and this is the kitchen area...

Louise Jefferson:
Where we does our kitchening.

Hugo Mojelewski:
Hi! Remember me?

Louise Jefferson:
[to George] Your nose is so high you need a 10 foot pole to pick it!

Louise Jefferson:
[Reading graffiti on the table of a sleazy bar] Oh, look! There's a poem! "Roses are red, violets are blue, take off your clothes and I'll... [pause] Isn't that impossible?

Helen Willis:
Not according to that diagram.

Florence Johnston:
That's very good, Mr. Jefferson. You keep changing your mind like that and someday maybe you'll end up with one that works.

Florence Johnston:
What time is it?

Louise Jefferson:
Almost 5, why? Did you have something planned for the rest of the day?

Florence Johnston:
Honey, I got plans for the rest of my life. When I leave here, I'm going to do something I've never done before.

Louise Jefferson:
What's that?

Florence Johnston:
I'm going to the TOP of the Empire State Building.

Louise Jefferson:
Really? You know I was born in New York and I've never done that.

Florence Johnston:
I got the idea when I was at the movies last night.

Louise Jefferson:
What did you see?

Florence Johnston:
Lady Sings the Blues.

Louise Jefferson:
I thought you'd seen that.

Florence Johnston:
Yeah, 3 times, but I just wanted to see it once more. You seen it?

Louise Jefferson:
Nope. The last movie we went to was Jaws, and we only saw half of it before George made us leave.

Florence Johnston:
How comes?

Louise Jefferson:
He hates fish. He says the only thing worse than people eating fish, is fish eating people.

Florence Johnston:
That reminds me, I found a dirty picture behind your fridge.

Louise Jefferson:
What? [Florence hands her the photo] This is a picture of Lionel! It's not dirty!

Florence Johnston:
It was till I dusted it!

Louise Jefferson:
Florence, what're you playing at?

Florence Johnston:
I'm not playing, I'm cleaning, a good maid always cleans behind the refrigerator.

Louise Jefferson:
You never did before.

Florence Johnston:
Oh I'm not talking about me, I said a GOOD maid.

Louise Jefferson:
Florence, taking a cab to work? Isn't that a little extravagant?

Florence Johnston:
Well, you only live once.

George Jefferson:
What're you doing calling Detroit on my phone?

Florence Johnston:
Cuz that's where my uncle lives. [to the operator] 313? Thank you.

George Jefferson:
What are you doing calling your uncle on my phone?

Florence Johnston:
Because I don't think he'd hear me if I yelled out the window.

Harry Bentley:
I thought cauliflower was very good.

George Jefferson:
Cauliflower?

Harry Bentley:
Yes, Lassie's favorite vegetable: Collie-flower.

George Jefferson:
Cauliflower! I was going to put sauerkraut

Louise Jefferson:
Sauerkraut?

Harry Bentley:
I thought Lassie was a German shepherd.

George Jefferson:
[reading Florence's letter] Dear Mrs. Jefferson, thank you for everything. Goodbye. Love, Florence.

Lionel Jefferson:
That's strange, it almost sounds like a suicide note.

George Jefferson:
Get out of here, everybody knows black folks don't commit suicide.

Louise Jefferson:
Suicide!

George Jefferson:
Will you stop making a mountain of a dumb maid? She said herself she's enjoying life today, took a cab for the first time.

Louise Jefferson:
There's something else she was going to do for the first time.

George Jefferson:
What's that?

Louise Jefferson:
She was going to the top of the Empire State Building.

George Jefferson:
Why would Florence want to die?

Tom Willis:
She probably doesn't, she probably wants to be saved.

George Jefferson:
Then she should go to church.

Helen Willis:
But if she really wanted to be saved, why didn't she just come out and say so?

Tom Willis:
Well, maybe she did, in her own way. She left these clues, a note, a prized possession, I think she was crying out for help.

George Jefferson:
Did you ever hear her sing? She needs help.

Louise Jefferson:
Does this mean you're leaving us?

Florence Johnston:
Yes.

George Jefferson:
Where're you going?

Florence Johnston:
I'm going to God's house, Mr. Jefferson.

George Jefferson:
Church? She DOES want to be saved.

Florence Johnston:
No, not church, God's house in the sky.

Louise Jefferson:
Oh Florence!

Tom Willis:
But I thought you said you weren't going to jump.

Florence Johnston:
I ain't gonna jump, I'm scared of heights.

Helen Willis:
But you WERE going to...

Florence Johnston:
I got enough pills saved up to do it peacefully and quietly, I'll just take them when I go to bed tonight.

Tom Willis:
Do you realize what you're saying?

Florence Johnston:
Sure, when I wake up in the morning, I'll be riding that chariot to the land of glory.

Louise Jefferson:
We are NOT going to let you do this, Florence.

Florence Johnston:
What's stupid about wanting to go to Heaven? Don't you want to go to Heaven?

George Jefferson:
Yeah, but I'm waiting till He sends for ME.

Florence Johnston:
Well why wait? I mean up there, there ain't no food bills, ain't no rent, yes Jesus! Ain't no hassling, ain't no dirt, and glory hallelujah, don't nobody have to clean up up there!

Helen Willis:
You think God's going to approve of you killing yourself?

Florence Johnston:
Why should He mind? I'm just helping Him to do His job.

Helen Willis:
But Florence, what if there is no Heaven? What if you die and they just put you in the ground and that's it?

George Jefferson:
Yeah, then you spend the rest of your life COVERED in dirt.

Florence Johnston:
Look at y'all, ya got family, ya got nice homes, you got so much money that you can even afford to be sick if you want to. All I got is a sore back.

Helen Willis:
You got plenty more to live for, money isn't everything.

Florence Johnston:
Well ain't that a blip? Tell the truth, how many of y'all would want to trade places with me? Well come on, raise your hands. Mm-hmm, carried out unanimously.

Tom Willis:
I think you're being pretty selfish. Don't you care how your friends will feel if you do this?

Florence Johnston:
What friends? All I got is floors to scrub and windows to clean.

Helen Willis:
We're you're friends.

Florence Johnston:
You're my employers.

Louise Jefferson:
We're your friends too, Florence, we care about you.

Florence Johnston:
About me? I'm only the maid, and I ain't even a good one at that.

George Jefferson:
She's right about that, she's a terrible maid.

George Jefferson:
We only hired you because nobody else wanted you!

Florence Johnston:
You mean I only took the job because no one else would!

George Jefferson:
We only let you KEEP the job because we love you!

Florence Johnston:
You what?

Lionel Jefferson:
Don't you see? You're more than just a maid, you're like one of the family.

Florence Johnston:
Lord, I thought black people only heard that one in white homes.

Louise Jefferson:
If we didn't love you, do you think we'd be worried about you like this?

Florence Johnston:
Aw you just saying that cuz I said I was gonna kill myself, you don't really mean it.

George Jefferson:
Hey wait a minute! You calling my wife a liar?

Florence Johnston:
No, I just...

George Jefferson:
Do you know how many fights Weezy and I have had because of YOU? You don't know, I'm gonna tell you the truth, a couple of times you made me so mad I was gonna fire you, but Weezy said she wouldn't talk to me if I did. So look, if you want to kill yourself, go right ahead, but if you do, you damn well better realize you gonna be hurting somebody who really cares about you.

Ralph Hart:
[George Jefferson and Tom and Helen Willis are locked in the Jefferson's bathroom and can't get out]

Ralph Hart:
[outside bathroom door, to Helen] You and Mr. Jefferson are in the bathroom together?

Ralph Hart:
[pause]

Ralph Hart:
Don't worry; Mr. Willis will never hear it from me!

George Jefferson:
[sees Louise and Florence as gray haired old ladies] Oh I get it. They're having a costume party at the help center, and you're both dressed up like Miss Jane Pittman.

Florence Johnston:
[as old ladies] Sure is a fancy dress, Mrs. Jefferson.

Louise Jefferson:
Well, it's not every night you celebrate a 25th anniversary.

George Jefferson:
What're you talking about, Weezy? We've been married longer than that.

Florence Johnston:
Time sure flies. Seems like only yesterday I started working here.

George Jefferson:
Wrong, you still haven't started!

George Jefferson:
[reading newspaper headline] 'Carter Promises Tax Relief'. That's all they gonna do too is promise. 'And in special news conference today, President Amy Carter under' AMY Carter? 'Tuesday, November 23rd, 1996'! Ahhh! I got it! It's a dream! I can see them but they can't see me! Hey! I'm dreaming about my future! Alright! Jefferson Cleaners is still around, Weezy still looks terrific, hey this is great.

Louise Jefferson:
Helen, where's Tom?

George Jefferson:
Yeah, where's the other half of the zebra?

Helen Willis:
Right behind me.

George Jefferson:
That's exactly where his half belongs!

George Jefferson:
Willis, if I looked as bad as you did, I'd wake myself up!

Tom Willis:
Did you say something, Helen?

Helen Willis:
No, Tom.

George Jefferson:
I DID, YOU BIG HONKY!

George Jefferson:
[Tom sits where George is sitting] Hey what're you doing? You almost squashed me!

Helen Willis:
Tom, Tom, remember our diet.

Tom Willis:
Did you say something, dear?

George Jefferson:
She said you're too fat!

Louise Jefferson:
Florence, how about some champagne?

Florence Johnston:
Good idea... y'all want some too?

Helen Willis:
I know that Tom misses George too. It's been years since anybody's called him honky.

George Jefferson:
[shouting] Honky-honky-honky-honky-HONKY!

Tom Willis:
Did someone call me?

Helen Willis:
No dear, you must've been dreaming.

Tom Willis:
Oh!

George Jefferson:
You should've seen me, Weezy, I fell 12 floors straight down and didn't get a scratch, look! I landed on this awning, then I bounced down to the street, and 3 cabs ran over me before I got up. DOESN'T ANYBODY CARE?

George Jefferson:
How could I be so stupid? But it seemed so real. I just dreamed Weezy ran off with that Bryan.

Doris:
And where were you?

George Jefferson:
I was dead from working so hard.

George Jefferson:
[Door bell rings] Florence! You want to get the door?

Florence Johnston:
No thanks, Mr. Jefferson. You can get it.

George Jefferson:
She's got more nerve than a bad tooth!

George Jefferson:
[answering phone] Ain't nobody home. [hangs up]

Louise Jefferson:
[bringing water for Bently's plant] This'll take care of Doodoo.

Harry Bentley:
Uh, Deedee.

George Jefferson:
You ever run across a story about a dude who committed a crime say a long time ago, and a RAT, who knows about it, begins to hound him and hound him?

Tom Willis:
Well, that sounds like Les Mis?rables by Victor Hugo.

George Jefferson:
Le who?

Tom Willis:
Les Mis?rables by Victor Hugo.

George Jefferson:
Oh, how's it go?

Tom Willis:
Well the hero, Jean Valjean, was relentlessly pursued by his tormentor. But he finally found his freedom.

George Jefferson:
How'd he do that?

Tom Willis:
Well the villain killed himself.

George Jefferson:
Oh that's good, so the good guy got away and lived happily ever after?

Tom Willis:
No, he drowned in a sewer.

George Jefferson:
[to Willis] If you come to ask me about the cocktail party, the answer's no, and if you've come to ask me about anything else, the answer's still no.

Louise Jefferson:
Who just left, George?

George Jefferson:
Mr. Vanilla, and we still ain't going to his party.

Louise Jefferson:
What kind of birds are these, Mr. Bently?

Harry Bentley:
Oh they're budgies, Australian lovebirds.

Louise Jefferson:
Okay but don't be surprised if they're arguing when you pick them up.

Harry Bentley:
Actually they're not really lovebirds the poor things, I just found out they're both the same sex. You should've been there when THEY found out.

Monk Davis:
[about Bently] That sure is a weird dude, you know some FUNNY white folks.

George Jefferson:
I'd rather have HIS kind of weird than YOUR kind of weird.

George Jefferson:
This friend of mine, he's got a problem.

Harry Bentley:
Oh I'm sorry to hear it.

George Jefferson:
So am I. See, he got into some trouble when he was a kid in Harlem. His family was so poor, his mother had to hold down 2 jobs just so they could afford to starve. And one day he heard his mother bragging to this other lady that no matter how bad times was, her youngest son always came through with a fine Christmas present for her. That really tore him up because he knew damn well he never gave her no Christmas present, and he knew she wasn't going to get none this year neither.

Harry Bentley:
Well that's sad.

George Jefferson:
Anyhow, he had this buddy, see, and this buddy didn't have no money either, only it didn't matter for this buddy because he also didn't have a mother. So they got the idea of boosting something from Bloomingdales.

George Jefferson:
The kids got busted with a couple of watches and $50 worth of French perfume.

Harry Bentley:
Oh yes, the store detective saw them I suppose.

George Jefferson:
Naw, the store detective didn't see nothing. See the top came off one of the perfume bottles, and the man KNEW they didn't smell that way when they came in.

Harry Bentley:
That's sad, so the lad never got to give his mother the Christmas present, eh?

George Jefferson:
Not that season, because when they got before the judge with no lawyer or nothing, he gave them a year in the slammer.

George Jefferson:
I never told you this before because I didn't want to lose your respect, but, when I was 15 years old, I was sent to jail.

Louise Jefferson:
You mean reformatory.

George Jefferson:
Reformatory, jail, what's the difference? I was sent up for robbery.

Louise Jefferson:
Shoplifting.

George Jefferson:
How do you know?

Louise Jefferson:
Well George, I've known about it for years.

Lionel Jefferson:
Yeah, me too, Pop.

George Jefferson:
What? Well how did you know? Who told you?

Louise Jefferson:
What's the difference? It's all in the past.

George Jefferson:
Because I want to know, I want to know who the dirty stool pigeon was that told you.

Louise Jefferson:
Your mother.

George Jefferson:
MAMA dropped a dime on ME?

Louise Jefferson:
She wanted to be sure I knew the real reason you did it, to get her a Christmas present.

George Jefferson:
How do you think I got to be the man I am today?

Helen Willis:
Poor diet.

Uncle Ward:
[after Lionel has been expelled from college] Now you do down to the Dean's office tomorrow like a proud Negro -

Lionel Jefferson:
[interrupting] You mean "black."

Uncle Ward:
Lionel, it took us 300 years to get from "n*gger" to "colored." And it took me 50 years to get from "colored" to "Negro." So you'll just have to be patient if it takes me a little longer to go from "Negro" to "black."

Mrs. Pomeroy:
All right, class. Nancy?

[Nancy takes off her robe to pose in the nude for the class to sketch. When George looks, he is excited, but Louise is shocked and horrified]

George Jefferson:
[yells in sheer happiness] Oh, damn! Whoo! Help me! Ow! Ha! Ooh-wee.

Louise Jefferson:
[shocked] What happened to Charlie?

George Jefferson:
Who cares?

[Nancy smiles]

Louise Jefferson:
Don't look, George.

George Jefferson:
You looked at Charlie, didn't ya?

Louise Jefferson:
But that was different!

George Jefferson:
You damn right. It's a whole lot different.

Louise Jefferson:
Come on, George. We're leaving!

George Jefferson:
Look, Weezy, like you said: What good for the goose is good for this gander.

Louise Jefferson:
[turns angry] Oh, yeah? Well, you take one more gander and your goose is cooked!

George Jefferson:
Like I said, Weezy, I don't know much about art, but I know what I like. [Louise drag George out of his seat and out of the art studio] Wait a minute! [to Mrs. Pomeroy] We'll be back.

George Jefferson:
Florence, get the door.

Florence Johnston:
You told me to stay in the kitchen!

George Jefferson:
GET THE DOOR!

Louise Jefferson:
Florence, that's a great costume, Harpo Marx, right? [Florence honks yes] Is George getting ready? [honks yes] Did you get the jack-o-lantern carved? [Florence honks no] Why not? [Florence spins around honking] Oh... huh?

Florence Johnston:
I'm sorry, Mrs. Jefferson, I didn't have time to carve the jack-o-lantern.

Louise Jefferson:
Oh that's a shame, it just doesn't seem like Halloween without one.

Florence Johnston:
We could stick a candle in Mr. Jefferson's mouth and watch his eyes light up.

Harry Bentley:
I want to view the dog star.

George Jefferson:
Lassie?

Harry Bentley:
No, Sirius.

George Jefferson:
I am serious!

George Jefferson:
[looking through Bentley's telescope] Hot damn there's a woman in the apartment across the street exercising in a bikini!

Louise Jefferson:
[George has Louise look through the telescope to see the church after moving it to another view] Well I don't see the church, I see... my God!

Florence Johnston:
Lord, that must be a powerful telescope.

Louise Jefferson:
Horrible!

George Jefferson:
Weezy, what is it?

Louise Jefferson:
I just saw a man... kill someone!

George Jefferson:
[on the phone with the police] My wife said she just saw a murder. What did he look like, Weezy?

Louise Jefferson:
He was about 5'10.

George Jefferson:
About 5'10.

Louise Jefferson:
Had horn rimmed glasses.

George Jefferson:
Horn rimmed glasses.

Louise Jefferson:
Big ears and a fluffy tail.

George Jefferson:
Big ears and... what?

Louise Jefferson:
The killer was dressed like a rabbit. And tell him just before he shot the man, he hit him on the head with a big carrot.

Tom Willis:
[to Bentley] Hey, are you going to pull a rabbit out of your hat?

George Jefferson:
That's nothing, Weezy can pull rabbits out of that telescope.

Killer Rabbit:
I'm very lucky.

Louise Jefferson:
Really? Well maybe you should hurry downstairs and enter the contest, that's a great costume.

Killer Rabbit:
Hey lady, do I look stupid?

Louise Jefferson:
Nobody believes what I saw, they think I'm crazy.

Killer Rabbit:
Oh really? Crazy?

Louise Jefferson:
Yes, as a loon! [strums her lips] Boobooobooboo.

Killer Rabbit:
Oh well that makes all the difference, I'm not going to hit you with this. I'm going throw you off the balcony!

Louise Jefferson:
What?

Killer Rabbit:
I can see the headlines now: Crazed Wife Takes Suicide Plunge.

Louise Jefferson:
You can't throw me off the balcony!

Killer Rabbit:
What am I supposed to do, throw you off the coffee table?

Louise Jefferson:
You better get out, I'm not alone!

Killer Rabbit:
I know that everyone else just went to the costume party.

Louise Jefferson:
That's right but we... we have a dog. One word from me and he'll tear you to pieces. Sic him, Fang! [Killer Rabbit looks around] Kill Fang!

Killer Rabbit:
What happened to Fang?

Louise Jefferson:
Well, he's old, he doesn't hear so well...

Killer Rabbit:
I got a bullet in here with each of your names on it!

Florence Johnston:
If you run one short, somebody else can have mine.

Jessica Jefferson:
[the adults are trying to call the police] Grandma Louise!

Louise Jefferson:
Not now honey, we're trying to find you.

Jessica Jefferson:
Okay.

George Jefferson:
[about Jessica] Why didn't you tell us she was here?

Florence Johnston:
I tried to but you were too busy not listening to me.

Jessica Jefferson:
Mommy explained that sometimes grown ups can act like kids, sometimes even kids-ier.

Jessica Jefferson:
[looking at Jessica's picture of the family] This is the most handsome guy so he must be me right?

Jessica Jefferson:
No, that's daddy. You're over here, the second most handsome man.

Helen Willis:
What's that licorice stick?

Jenny Willis Jefferson:
It's either you or me.

Helen Willis:
Are we all waiting for a bus?

Tom Willis:
No, I *am* the bus!

Tom Willis:
[Helen and Louise are fighting] Now, now, now! This is no way to break up over crazy George.

George Jefferson:
HEY! Who you calling crazy, honky?

Tom Willis:
[enraged] Don't call me honky!

George Jefferson:
Huh! Why are you so sensitive all of a sudden?

Helen Willis:
He's not the only one!

Tom Willis:
How would you feel if I called you nigga?

George Jefferson:
[appalled] Huh! He called me nigga!

Helen Willis:
That's no worse than honky!

George Jefferson:
You're right. Nothing's worse than a honky except being married to one!