The Jerk

Navin R. Johnson:
Good luck. The Lord loves a working man, don't trust whitey, see a doctor and get rid of it. Bye Grandma!

Navin R. Johnson:
These cans are defective!

Navin R. Johnson:
The new phonebook's here, the new phonebook's here!

Navin R. Johnson:
Marie, are you awake? Good. You look so beautiful and peaceful, you almost look dead. I'm glad because there is something that has always been very difficult for me to say. I slit the sheet, the sheet I slit, and on the slitted sheet I sit. I've never been relaxed enough around anyone to be able to say that. You give me confidence in myself. I know we've only known each other four weeks and three days, but to me it seems like nine weeks and five days. The first day seemed like a week and the second day seemed like five days and the third day seemed like a week again and the fourth day seemed like eight days and the fifth day you went to see your mother and that seemed just like a day and then you came back and later on the sixth day, in then evening, when we saw each other, that started seeming like two days, so in the evening it seemed like two days spilling over into the next day and that started seeming like four days, so at the end of the sixth day on into the seventh day, it seemed like a total of five days. And the sixth day seemed like a week and a half. I have it written down, but I can show it to you tomorrow if you want to see it. Anyway, I've decided that tomorrow, when the time is right, I'm going to ask you to marry me, if that's o.k. with you. Just don't say anything. (no answer) You've made me very happy.

Navin R. Johnson:
For one dollar I'll guess your weight, your height, or your sex.

Navin R. Johnson:
Well I'm gonna go then. And I don't need any of this. I don't need this stuff, and I don't need you. I don't need anything except this.

Navin R. Johnson:
Huh? I am not a bum. I'm a jerk. I once had wealth, power, and the love of a beautiful woman. Now I only have two things: my friends and... uh... my thermos. Huh? My story? Okay. It was never easy for me. I was born a poor black child. I remember the days, sittin' on the porch with my family, singin' and dancin' down in Mississippi.

Navin R. Johnson:
[singing] I'm picking out a Thermos for you. Not an ordinary Thermos for you. But the extra best Thermos that you can buy, with vinyl and stripes and a cup built right in.

Navin R. Johnson:
First I get my name in the phone book and now I'm on your ass. You know, I'll bet more people see that than the phone book.

Navin R. Johnson:
Good Lord - I've heard about this - cat juggling! Stop! Stop! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Good. Father, could there be a God that would let this happen? How much do you want?

Mother:
Navin, it's your birthday, and it's time you knew. You're not our natural-born child.

Navin R. Johnson:
You mean I'm going to stay this color??

Mother:
I'd love you if you were the color of a baboon's ass.

Hotel Guest:
Don't call the dog lifesaver. Call him shithead.

Gas Station Attendant:
Boy, get to work in there!

Navin R. Johnson:
But sir, I don't even work here.

Gas Station Attendant:
Not even for $1.10 an hour?

Harry Hartounian:
Boy, I wish I could get that excited about nothing.

Navin R. Johnson:
Nothing? Are you kidding? Page 73 - Johnson, Navin R.! I'm somebody now! Millions of people look at this book every day! This is the kind of spontaneous publicity - your name in print - that makes people. I'm in print! Things are going to start happening to me now.

Stan Fox:
Damn these glasses.

Navin R. Johnson:
Yes, sir.

Navin R. Johnson:
I damn thee.

Navin R. Johnson:
Why are you crying? And why are you wearing that old dress?

Marie Kimble Johnson:
Because I just heard a song on the radio that reminded me of the way we were.

Navin R. Johnson:
What was it?

Marie Kimble Johnson:
"The Way We Were."

Navin R. Johnson:
I'm gonna bounce back and when I do I'm gonna buy you a diamond so big it's gonna make you puke.

Marie Kimble Johnson:
I don't wanna puke.

Navin R. Johnson:
Things are gonna start happening to me now.

Sniper:
Johnson, Navin R... Sounds like a typical bastard.

Navin R. Johnson:
He hates these cans. Stay away from the cans.

Navin R. Johnson:
What a great place! You know, you can tell so much about a person from the way they live. Just looking around here I can tell...you're a genuinely dirty person.

Navin R. Johnson (holding the helmet she gave him earlier):
What do I do with this?

Patty Bernstein (taking the helmet and throwing it across the trailer):
Oh, you keep it there.

Navin R. Johnson (holding also leftovers from a corn dog):
Where's your garbage?

Patty Bernstein (taking Navin's corn dog and throwing it across the trailer as well):
there.

Patty Bernstein (lying down on her bed):
You know what I'd like to do?

Navin R. Johnson:
What?

Patty Bernstein:
Guess...your weight.

Navin R. Johnson:
Hey, that would be interesting for me, no one has tried to guess my weight! You see, I guess their weight so it's sort of a...

Patty Bernstein:
Put your arms up.

Navin R. Johnson:
This will give me a whole different perspective on this.

Navin R. Johnson (starts getting nervous):
Hey! You're really trying to be accurate!

Navin R. Johnson:
Is it getting hot in here?

Navin R. Johnson (suddenly yelling in a mixture of shock and excitement):
Wait a minute - what's happening to my special purpose!?

Patty Bernstein (in a passionate voice):
What's your special purpose?

Navin R. Johnson (still yelling):
Well, when I was a kid my mom told me... there goes my special purpose! And someday I'd find out what my special purpose was!

Patty Bernstein:
Today's the day!

Navin R. Johnson:
(moaning as we see the whole trailer shakes from the outside): Hey, this is like a ride!

Grandmother (reading a letter Navie sent his family):
My dear family, guess what. Today I found out what my special purpose is for. Gosh what a great time I had. I wish my whole family could have been here with me. Maybe some other time as I intend to do this a lot. Every chance I get. I think next week I'll be able to send some more money as I may have extra work. My friend Patty promised me a blow job. Your loving son, Navin. (she stops reading) And he's got the kisses here.

Father:
That Patty must be a sweet girl.

Mother:
God bless her.

He was a poor black sharecropper's son who never dreamed he was adopted.

From rags to riches... to rags.

Navin:
Navin R Johnson is a complex individual

[Navin works as a weight guesser in a circus]

Fairgoer:
Hey, honey, let's see how good this guy is. What do I win?

Navin R. Johnson:
[gesturing at the prize display] Uh, anything in this general area right in here. Anything below the stereo and on this side of the Bicentennial glasses. Anything between the ashtrays and the thimbles. Anything in this three inches, right in here, in this area that includes the Chicklets but not the erasers.

Fairgoer:
No sir. Come on, honey. He thought he had himself a rube.

Navin:
Frosty, I'm just no good at this.

Frosty:
Ah, come on, Navin. You're doing fine.

Navin:
No, I've already given away eight pencils, two hula dolls and an ashtray, and I've only taken in fifteen dollars.

Frosty:
Navin, you have taken in fifteen dollars and given away fifty cents worth of crap, which gives us a net profit of fourteen dollars and fifty cents.

Navin:
Ah, it's a profit deal! Heh, takes the pressure off. [barking] Get your weight guessed right here! Only a buck! Actual live weight-guessing! Take your chance and win some crap! Step right up!

Navin R. Johnson:
I had the craziest fantasy that I could rise up and float right down the end of this coronet, right through here, through these valves, right along this tube, to right up against your lips and give you a kiss.

Marie:
Why didn't you?

Navin:
Well, I didn't want to get spit on me.

Navin R. Johnson:
Good Lord! I've heard about this: cat juggling!