The Job

Mike McNeill:
What the hell is this?

Frank:
It's coffee. Almond Maple Roast.

Mike McNeil:
When did Baskin-Robbins start making coffee? Echhh.

Mike McNeil:
Thank you for your time.

Restaurant employee:
Are you really a cop?

Mike McNeil:
Yeah.

Restaurant employee:
So, you're like, in the "Bird Homicide" department.

[Mike begins to walk away]

Restaurant employee:
See ya later, bird detective!

Mike McNeil:
Ok, you want to know why I'm investigating this? This whole bird poisoning thing, it's a part of a much bigger conspiracy. Can you keep a secret?

Restaurant employee:
Yeah, sure.

Mike McNeil:
That is the biggest zit I've seen in my entire life.

Arrested Criminal:
[Mike pulls a taxi driver out of a his cab after a wise remark and proceeds to beat the hell out of him.] Damn! Is your partner crazy?

Terrence 'Pip' Phillips:
No, he just quit smoking.

Jan Fendrich:
So what is it about the idea of two women having sex that's such a turn on for guys?

Mike McNeill:
Well, it's like the idea of one woman having sex, only... it's two.

Jan Fendrich:
Oh, well, thanks for clearing that up.

Riggi:
[as he is being arrested] Whoa, whoa. Officers, before we get started let me just say that these is not my pants.

Mike McNeil:
You shot him in the ass?

Ruben Somarriba:
Yeah. I feel bad.

Mike McNeil:
Well, I wouldn't feel too bad 'cause unless his head was up there at the time, I think he's gonna be okay. Come on. All right, guys, listen up. Ruben's feeling better but, you know, this has been a tough thing for him and he'd appreciate a little support.

Lt. Williams:
McNeil?

Mike McNeil:
Yeah.

Lt. Williams:
Bring your ass in here.

Jan Fendrich:
Better hurry up before Ruben takes a shot at it.

Peter:
Your problem, Mike, is you can't control your anger.

Mike McNeil:
Yes, I can.

Peter:
No, you can't.

Mike McNeil:
Yes, I can.

Peter:
No.

Mike McNeil:
Yes.

Peter:
See, for instance, right now, I want to kick you in the balls so hard, you'll have to part your hair different just to hide 'em. But I'm not.

Tommy Manetti:
[after Mike has been taken hostage in the bathroom] Oh, I can't wait to see the headlines in tomorrow's New York Post, "Copper Crapper Caper". I've got to write that down. [Later] I got another one, "Cop Held Craptive: Hostage Drama Flush with Danger".

Jan Fendrich:
Frank, I know it's your own private hotel in here, but do you think you could pick your clothes up? I don't need to be lookin' at your underwear at this hour.

Mike McNeil:
Oh, like there's a good time for that.

Terrence 'Pip' Phillips:
You sleepin' here again, Frank?

Frank Harrigan:
Well, the last couple of nights my wife's sister's in town and she don't like me.

Jan Fendrich:
[Sarcastically] Why's that?

Frank Harrigan:
I called her a fat b*tch a couple of Christmas's ago.

Mike McNeil:
Were you drunk?

Frank Harrigan:
Nope.

Jan Fendrich:
Is she fat?

Frank Harrigan:
[Points to his stomach] Do I look like I know fat?

Tommy Manetti:
You think he tagged her?

Frank Harrigan:
He's kissin' her, course he tagged her.

Ruben Somarriba:
He better give us the details.

Frank Harrigan:
If I tagged Liz Hurley I'd be in Times Square with a megaphone the next morning giving details to the entire world. I'd have videos, Polaroids, the whole nine yards.

Jan Fendrich:
If you had tagged Liz Hurley?

Frank Harrigan:
It could happen under the right circumstances.

Jan Fendrich:
Like if she was drugged?

Frank Harrigan:
For starters.

Mike McNeill:
Look, Tino, we're not looking for information, okay? We got a call this morning somebody found a foot in a bag outside an apartment building and we want to know if it means anything.

Tino:
Yeah, it means you got a foot in a bag.

Mike McNeill:
You don't know anybody who would do something like that?

Tino:
Nah, it's a lot of work cutting off a foot. Then you gotta find a bag.

Frank Harrigan:
Uh, he's a foot doctor.

Podiatrist:
Excuse me, I'm a podiatrist.

Frank Harrigan:
I had an uncle who was a foot doctor, nice guy. Then one day my aunt comes home and there he is in the bedroom being spanked by some big guy in leather. There's a lot of people out there that, you know, nothing gets them going like a good crack in the ass. [pause] Somebody else jump in here.

Frank Harrigan:
Thinks he's a big shot podiatrist... you don't even have to go to medical school for that. You work in a shoe store long enough you're almost a podiatrist.

Mike McNeill:
So what do we think?

Frank Harrigan:
Oh, about this?

Mike McNeill:
Yeah.

Frank Harrigan:
I don't know, maybe a mob thing.

Mike McNeill:
Really? Well, I'll ask Tino, but they usually don't leave a foot. They, they dump a whole body, you know.

Frank Harrigan:
Well, maybe he's a new guy working his way up to a whole body, you know - things go good with the foot. Either that or we're looking for a guy with a really bad limp.

Mike McNeill:
We got a call this morning. Somebody found a foot in a bag outside an apartment building, we want to know if it means anything.

Tino:
Yeah, means you got a foot in a bag.

Mike McNeill:
You don't know anybody who'd do something like that?

Mike McNeill:
Nah. It's a Lotta work cutting off a foot. Then you gotta find a bag. Jimmie Nipples, you know him?

Mike McNeill:
Jimmie Nipples?

Tino:
Yeah, used to have five nipples right here - bing, bing, bing, bing. He used to cut guy's fingers off. But that's a finger, small - snip, snip, you're done.

Mike McNeill:
What'd I tell you? Told you he was bad.

Terrence 'Pip' Phillips:
What?

Mike McNeill:
Okay. Strike one: He's a lawyer. Strike two: He spent time in rehab. And strike three: Get this, he's married. You believe this guy? Married.

Terrence 'Pip' Phillips:
Well, let's see. My married partner just got off the phone with his girlfriend. Now he's upset because she couldn't score the Tylenol with the codeine. No, I don't believe that guy.

Mike McNeill:
So now we got two feet.

Frank Harrigan:
Two left feet.

Tommy Manetti:
So we know they're not from the same person.

Frank Harrigan:
Hey, this Kline guy is flipping out. He says these feet are bad for his business. He says this keeps up his practice is gonna go in the toilet.

Terrence 'Pip' Phillips:
Yeah, who's going to a foot doctor with a bunch of dead feet out front?

Mike McNeill:
Hey, at this point I'm just glad the guy's not a urologist, you know what I mean?

Terrence 'Pip' Phillips:
You got a wife, a girlfriend, now you're getting a thing for Jan? At this rate, next you'll be hitting on me.

Jan Fendrich:
So what is about the idea of two women having sex that's such a turn on for guys?

Mike McNeil:
Well, it's just like the idea of one woman having sex only it's two.

Jan Fendrich:
Oh, thanks for clearing that up.

Mike McNeil:
You're welcome.

Lt. Williams:
Who's not busy? I got a nuisance complaint.

Mike McNeil:
Uh, this ain't the complaint department.

Lt. Williams:
Only when you're here, McNEIL.

Mike McNeil:
Chief, come on.

Lt. Williams:
This is a massage parlor. Mayor wants it shut down. Part of his new user-friendly new York.

Mike McNeil:
You can't any more user-friendly than these people. They should be funded by the mayor's office.

Frank Harrigan:
So, where's your friend from high school?

Jan Fendrich:
I put him in lockup.

Frank Harrigan:
So much for school spirit.

Adina Phillips:
[Talking about Mike McNeil] What is wrong with that man? Oh! I don't like him. Mm, I don't.

Terrence 'Pip' Phillips:
He's my partner, baby.

Adina Phillips:
I don't like that either. The lord is going to smite him sooner or later. And I don't want you standing next to his ass when it happens.

Mike McNeill:
[Yelling at a bus] Hey, Billy Bob! Move your ass!

Bike Cop:
You just ran a red light back there, all right? And you're way over the speed limit.

Mike McNeill:
Hey, you got radar on that thing?

Bike Cop:
Buddy, I don't need radar.

Mike McNeill:
Nice socks, by the way. Let me ask you something. They teach you to ride in academy or did you already have that particular skill?

Bike Cop:
Alright, step out of the car, sir.

Mike McNeill:
I'm gonna reach down here in just a second. Hang on, I want to show you something. [Mike shows the Bike Cop his police badge] Twenty-first precinct and your balls are hanging out. What am I saying? You're a bike cop. You don't have those. Bye-bye.

Mike McNeill:
[Tasting his coffee] What the hell is this?

Frank Harrigan:
Almond maple roast. It's the newest flavor.

Mike McNeill:
When did Baskin-Robbins go into the coffee business?

Terrence 'Pip' Phillips:
I don't know why he started calling me "Pip". I'm watching this old variety show on cable the other night.

Mike McNeill:
Yeah?

Terrence 'Pip' Phillips:
I don't look like either one of them.

Mike McNeill:
There are two Pips?

Terrence 'Pip' Phillips:
Yeah. Two or three.

Mike McNeill:
You don't know for sure?

Terrence 'Pip' Phillips:
Well, they were moving kind of fast and your eyes are naturally drawn to Gladys. That's the whole point.

Terrence 'Pip' Phillips:
Why are you still taking those things, huh? I ain't no doctor, but I hear before you take painkillers you're actually supposed to have this thing called pain.

Mike McNeill:
I have pain.

Terrence 'Pip' Phillips:
Where?

Mike McNeill:
Well, there's the one in my ass - that would be you. And there's the one in my shoulder which happens to be killing me right now.

Terrence 'Pip' Phillips:
Yeah, well, one day soon I'm getting rid of that box.

Mike McNeill:
Yeah, let me tell you something: That box and a bottle of Bushmills is the only thing keeping me from taking a hostage, okay?

Mike McNeill:
Where's Kaleel Ojala?

Ironsides:
You looking for a black man so you come after me? I know what that is. I read it in the newspaper. That's racial profiling.

Terrence 'Pip' Phillips:
Damn straight it is.

Mike McNeill:
Yeah, see, I'm looking for a black guy, I don't go asking elderly white women. I go right to other black guys. Saves a lot of time. It's like the Puerto Rican Day parade. Who am I gonna pick up for smoking weed at that particular event? Little hint, not Italians, okay? Then again, come March 17th who am I gonna run in for beating up his own cousin and puking up green beer all over Fifth Avenue? Another little hint, not Puerto Ricans!

Terrence 'Pip' Phillips:
Can I ask you something?

Mike McNeill:
Yeah.

Terrence 'Pip' Phillips:
Do I look okay?

Mike McNeill:
Yeah, you look fine.

Terrence 'Pip' Phillips:
I look all right?

Mike McNeill:
What do you mean? Yeah.

Terrence 'Pip' Phillips:
Last night I'm getting in bed. And my wife said - She says my ass looks fat.

Mike McNeill:
I'm not getting involved.

Terrence 'Pip' Phillips:
I'm asking you, as my best friend, does my ass look fat?

Mike McNeill:
Well, how should I know? I never look at your ass.

Terrence 'Pip' Phillips:
Okay, look, I'll get out the car, walk around front.

Mike McNeill:
Yeah?

Terrence 'Pip' Phillips:
You just take a look at the ass.

Mike McNeill:
What, wha?

Terrence 'Pip' Phillips:
Just tell me what you think. [Gets out of the car]

Mike McNeill:
Pip. Hey! Get in the car, pip! Pip. I don't believe this. Get in the car, pip.

Terrence 'Pip' Phillips:
Well?

Mike McNeill:
You know, this is, this is how it starts probably. You know, it starts with us talking about your gigantic ass here in a car, and then in about a month we're sitting on a couch somewhere holding hands and watching "The Wizard of Oz" on DVD wide screen.

Terrence 'Pip' Phillips:
What? Gigantic?

Mike McNeill:
Oh, no, no, man. No, that's not, sorry, buddy. That wasn't what I meant to say. You're not fat, man. You're not. You know, you're, uh, you're, uh, big boned.

Terrence 'Pip' Phillips:
Big boned.

Mike McNeill:
That's a good thing, man. There's a lot of good-looking big boned people. You know? What the hell am I saying? You know what? We're not talking about your ass ever again. Don't bring the ass up in the car! You're worried about how big it is, stop eating.

Mike McNeill:
I know you did it, Kaleel. But, it's cool. I'm not pointing any fingers. It's not your fault. Your parents. Those are the ones I blame. Probably a couple real jerk-offs, right?

Kaleel Ojala:
They're dead.

Mike McNeill:
You kill them?

Mike McNeill:
[as a group of older Japanese men enter the squad room] Ah, don't tell me. Somebody stole your golf course.

Jan Fendrich:
How's that marriage going, Romeo?

Mike McNeil:
Oooh, it's going great. You know what, it's a lot like Vietnam. We both know we can't win. We both know innocent people may get hurt in the course of action, but until some authority figure like the president or a priest tell us to get out, nobody's leaving.

Tommy Manetti:
Well, there she goes, the hot nun. It reminds me of a movie I rented once... actually, more than once.

Jan Fendrich:
Oh, shut up. Okay? I barely want to know about what you do here, never mind the rest of it, you little perv.

Tommy Manetti:
Oh, I'm not the only one. Frank?

Frank Harrigan:
What?

Tommy Manetti:
Tell her.

Frank Harrigan:
Hot nuns. Oh, yeah. Huge turn-on. I had this nun in school...

Tommy Manetti:
Had?

Frank Harrigan:
Not that way, you sick little puke!

Tommy Manetti:
I didn't want to assume.

Frank Harrigan:
Sister Mary Edwards. Oh, she used to grab me by the scruff of the neck and shake me so hard, I'd forget where I lived. You know what was weird?

Tommy Manetti:
What?

Frank Harrigan:
I liked it.

Tommy Manetti:
See.

Frank Harrigan:
I looked forward to it. I used to think of it later when I was alone. If you know what I mean.

Jan Fendrich:
Oh my god! You two are going to hell. I hope you enjoy it.

Frank Harrigan:
We will. I hear it's a dry heat.

Tommy Manetti:
All right, tell me again about the shaking - slowly.

Mike McNeil:
I'm tired of him dumping this stuff in our lap, you know? Bust somebody else's balls for a change.

Terrence 'Pip' Phillips:
Hey, ixnay on the allsbay.

Mike McNeil:
I'm sure she's heard it before. She's 12. You've got cable, right, sweetheart?

Kimberly:
My name is Kimberly and we don't use bad language in our house.

Mike McNeil:
Yeah, that's probably why I've never been invited over before.

Mike McNeil:
You want a smoke?

Kimberly:
No, thank you. Second-hand smoke kills.

Mike McNeil:
Yeah. Not fast enough apparently.

Sean:
How's Karen and the kids?

Mike McNeil:
Good. Your Mom and Dad?

Sean:
Good.

Mike McNeil:
Aunt Pat?

Sean:
Great.

Mike McNeil:
Uncle Pat?

Sean:
Had a headache, went to the hospital...

Mike McNeil:
No! Cancer?

Sean:
Yeah.

Mike McNeil:
Oh, I didn't know.

Sean:
He doesn't know either. They're not telling him. Giving him two weeks.

Mike McNeil:
I better send him a card.

Sean:
FedEx it.

Jan Fendrich:
Well, it's official. Women of all ages hate you.

Mike McNeil:
You know, sometimes I think it would just be easier if I liked guys.

Jan Fendrich:
Not for them.

Lt. Williams:
I just got a very interesting phone call from The New York Times.

Mike McNeil:
[On the phone] Hang on.

Lt. Williams:
It seems that they're thinking about doing a major investigative report on this precinct.

Terrence 'Pip' Phillips:
Why us? We're clean.

Lt. Williams:
That's not what I hear. One of the reporters has a child that goes to a private school nearby. Now, this child brought home a copy of the school newspaper. Now, in it was a very interesting article featuring quotes from a detective McNeil, 21st.

Mike McNeil:
[On the phone] I got to go.

Lt. Williams:
Now, please tell me that you didn't say that you shot seven unarmed men in one week. Please, tell me that you didn't say that everyone in this precinct is on the take. Please!

Mike McNeil:
Sir - I was misquoted.

Injun Joe:
You cops?

Ruben Somarriba:
Yes. Yes, we are.

Injun Joe:
You find the arrow?

Ruben Somarriba:
Yes. Yes, we did.

Ruben Somarriba:
Good. I'm Joe.

Ruben Somarriba:
Crazy Injun Joe?

Injun Joe:
Crazy's a term used by those insensitive to the mentally ill. Injun, that's a derogatory word that robs my people of the respect that they deserve. And Joe - I'm alright with Joe.

Injun Joe:
Here's my demands. I want restitution: Compensation for the grave injustices that my people have endured at the hands of your government. I want land: This land that was stolen from my people for a handful of worthless trinkets. And I want Gatorade: Original flavor Gatorade, because I just like taste.