The Junction Boys

Bear Bryant:
I ain't never seen players this bad! Half the players are smaller than monkey cojones, and the other half are slower than smoke off sh*t! Where did you get these turds?

Bear Bryant:
I don't care who your daddy is. I don't care what kind of All-Conference bullshit you were in high school. I don't care what the last coach promised you. Y'all been fartin' up wind too long.

Bear Bryant:
There's something you need to know, aside from the fact that we're likely to throw the ball maybe twice a decade. I was an end at 'Bama and I played four quarters against Tennessee dragging a broken leg around. Now what's this sh*t I hear about an elbow?

Bear Bryant:
[after Skeet has been injured] Ahhh, what now?

Bear Bryant:
I didn't work my pecker raw at Maryland and Kentucky to sit up and die at this miserable cow college!

Bear Bryant:
[as Hinshaw's broken arm is being mended] Serves you right for getting married, Hinshaw. All your football's runnin' out the end of your prick!

Luke Mason:
[Smokey tries to fix Hinshaw's arm] I think you're supposed to turn it the other way, sir.

Smokey Harper:
You act like some damn pre-med kid.

Luke Mason:
I am.

Smokey Harper:
Well, you fix him then! His yelling's gonna break my hearin' aid.

Bear Bryant:
[to his assistant coaches] Coaches, gassers!

Betch:
[whistle blows] Line up! Backs and ends! Prepare for gassers, boys! Move!

Skeet Keeler:
Jeez, wind sprints before breakfast?

Bear Bryant:
You all know when you're ready to be your best? When you ain't got nothin' left to fear. We came to Junction to find out who wanted to play football. We know now. Johnny Haynes wants to play. Hell, he's played six different positions already. Skeet Chaney- he wants to play. He'll play with a broken back. Now, I know this ain't been no picnic. Some heat, couple of stickers, fire ants. Smokey tells me y'all dropped some weight. But I will tell you one thing- you boys who are left, you are players. One heartbeat. That's what we've been looking for since we arrived. Today, we got one heartbeat. We got a team. Now, we ain't never, never gonna quit workin'. Y'all get a good night's rest. Be ready for practice tomorrow.

Claude Gearheart:
[Johnny has suffered from heat stroke] Smokey! Get some help for Johnny here!

Smokey Harper:
Tell him to suck it up.

Claude Gearheart:
Well, give him somethin'. [Smokey pulls an aspirin tablet out of his pocket] Aspirin?

Smokey Harper:
What else you want me to do?

Claude Gearheart:
You damn witch doctor! We ain't cattle! Now, you help my buddy!

Smokey Harper:
All right, I'll have Luke Mason grab him a bag of ice.

Pine:
[to Gearhart] Hey, me and some of the other fellas heard you tellin' off Smokey Harper. Not real smart, Gearheart. But what you said, you said for a lot of us.

Bear Bryant:
[Johnny Haynes gets knocked over] No, no, no! Haynes, you rinky-dink! Get up!

[grabs Haynes by the pads]

Bear Bryant:
A senior, and you don't know how to whip a block? Give me a three-point stance!

Bear Bryant:
Blow the whistle, coach! [the whistle blows; Bryant knocks Haynes down hard] That's how you do it! Son, you have got to get down low underneath your man and straighten him up! [turns to the players] Now I am sick and tired of this playing grab-ass!

[notices Watts without his helmet on]

Bear Bryant:
Watts, you puke! Why is your hat off? [he headbutts Watts, giving him a bloody nose; turns to Gearhart] And you, Gearhart, you hit like a queer! I ain't done with you, boy! Get down there in a four-point stance! Go on! Pine! Where's Kenny Pine? Get in there!

Bear Bryant:
[Gearhart and Pine line up] Now you drive him, Gearhart! You put him down!

[Gearhart hits Pine weakly, but Pine can't knock Gearhart over either]

Bear Bryant:
Now, what the Hell is your problem, Pine? You're both a couple of pansies! I've seen better fightin' in a mouse trap!

Bear Bryant:
Gearhart, who taught you to whip a double-team like that? Your mama?

Claude Gearheart:
My mama's dead, Coach.

Bear Bryant:
So's your football career, pissant! Show me some hittin'!

Gearhart's Father:
[In reference to Gearhart's father beating up Gearhart's younger brother] Little prick! I could whup your ass six weeks from Christmas!

Claude Gearheart:
You had enough practice. [He drives away]

Gearhart's Father:
Good luck in Aggieville! God knows you ain't good enough to play for Texas!

Skeet Keeler:
Uh, Coach, where are we goin'? [Bryant looks to one of his assistants]

Betch:
We're goin' to Junction.

Skeet Keeler:
[Skeet returns to the back of the bus]

Skeet Keeler:
Some place called Junction.

Mike Hess:
Junction? Sh*t! I spent a whole summer at Junction!

Skeet Keeler:
What is it? A reform school?

Mike Hess:
No, you dipshit, it's an auxiliary campus! Freshman orientation for A&M, stuff like that.

Pine:
It's where he jacked up his grades to get eligible! [Hess fumes as the guys laugh]

Claude Gearheart:
I was workin' at the bank back up north in Illinois. I needed one more big name to get started. I called up Coach Bryant, asked him if he wanted to buy two hundred shares. I hear, "Two hundred shares?" I'm convinced I'm done for. Then he says, "Claude, I got a lot more faith in you than that. You put me down for a thousand."

Bear Bryant:
[after several raps on the door] Is that a knock, or you humpin' the keyhole?

Claude Gearheart:
Skeet, it ain't worth it. How can you play football? You can't even stand up straight.

Skeet Keeler:
Coach will cut me for sure if I'm not out there tomorrow.

Claude Gearheart:
Aw, hell! This ain't the Korean front! [Skeet hands Johnny and Gearhart his clippings]

Skeet Keeler:
"Carries the flag of Lufkin." That's what my high school coach said. Mom said I'm the lucky star in the paper; they all warned me so I wouldn't be embarrassed. Without football, I'm nothin' but a shiftless wildcatter's kid. Nobody from nowhere.

Claude Gearheart:
Ain't nobody counted on a crazy coach.

Skeet Keeler:
He ain't all wrong. I ain't had to work for nothin' my whole life. If I bomb out here, I hate to think how the folks in Lufkin will treat me... or my mama. I might as well die in Junction.

Johnny Haynes:
Nobody's gonna die. We're gonna win. Coach is the real thing.

Betch:
[Johnny is throwing up into a bucket] Don't give it all away, son. You're gonna need gas for this afternoon. [he pats Johnny on the back]

Johnny Haynes:
Yes, sir!

Bear Bryant:
[Skeet tiptoes around a tackler] What the hell is that? Some kind of dance they do in Lufkin? We don't skate here, we hit! [Grabs Skeet by his pads] Son, it's gettin' pretty clear to me that you want the fame without the sweat. Not on this team! The next time I catch you waving your press clippings at a tackler, you can pack your act back to East Texas.

Claude Gearheart:
[Furiously drinking the shower water after being run by Bryant in practice] Screw him! I'd rather be cuttin' lumber in Oregon with my brother!

Johnny Haynes:
You can't quit, man. We need ya.

Claude Gearheart:
For what? Fertilizer?

Johnny Haynes:
We're gonna win the Southwest, Gear.

Claude Gearheart:
With Bryant? Not a chance.

Johnny Haynes:
Ain't worth quittin', man.

Claude Gearheart:
[Grabs Haynes angrily] He knocked you to Tucson! You like that?

Johnny Haynes:
Hurt like hell.

Claude Gearheart:
Bet it did.

Johnny Haynes:
But you know what? He was right. I stood Morris up. Moved him around like Grandma's china all afternoon. Come on, Gear. What's Oregon got that we don't... besides water, trees, and women?