The Ladykillers

Mrs. Louisa Wilberforce:
Simply try for one hour to behave like gentlemen.

[last lines]

The Superintendent:
[as she is leaving, the superintendent follows her out with her umbrella] Mrs. Wilberforce, wait! Just a moment! [Holding out the umbrella] You forgot it, mum.

Mrs. Louisa Wilberforce:
[Reaches for it, then changes her mind] Oh. Oh, no I don't think I want it. I never liked it. Now I can buy a dozen new ones.

Professor Marcus:
One-Round, there is a wheelbarrow outside, could you fetch it? The Major has a train to catch.

[Mrs. Wilberforce has knocked on the door and the Major is about to open it]

Louis:
[Aside to Harry] Excuse me, Major Courtney, I wonder if perhaps you'd like some tea?

[the Major opens the door]

Mrs. Louisa Wilberforce:
I wonder if perhaps you'd like some tea, Major Courtney?

[after Louis has 'dealt' with the Major on the roof']

Professor Marcus:
Well, where is he? Where *is* the Major? Is he up there still?

Harry:
No, no, he, uh, he come down.

Professor Marcus:
Well bring him here!

Harry:
He come down... with the chimney-pot.

Professor Marcus:
With the chimney- ?

[chuckles]

Professor Marcus:
Is he hurt?

Louis:
I shouldn't think he felt a thing.

One-Round:
I said nobody was to do her! [Begins attacking Louis, who beats him continuously over the head with a blackjack. Mrs. Wilberforce comes out of the next room]

Mrs. Louisa Wilberforce:
Mr. Harvey!

One-Round:
I said - I said nobody was to do Mrs. Lopsided!

Mrs. Louisa Wilberforce:
Stop that!

[Louis hits One-Round one last time with the blackjack]

Mrs. Louisa Wilberforce:
What *are* you doing? [Adjusting her hat] And who is "Mrs. Lopsided," may I ask? Where is Mr. Robinson?

One-Round:
He's, uh, he's outside.

Mrs. Louisa Wilberforce:
Somebody took the key. The cello case is gone!

One-Round:
It's, uh, out there too.

Mrs. Louisa Wilberforce:
Well... bring it in. [One-Round heads outside] I fell asleep. Somebody took the key out of my pocket. I'm *very* angry!

Professor Marcus:
As you have every right to be. It's disgraceful, Mrs. Wilberforce, shameful! Mr. Robinson will answer for it.

Mrs. Louisa Wilberforce:
[One-Round brings in the cello case] I'll take that, thank you. Professor Marcus, this is another black mark against you. I shall certainly tell the police. [she goes back into the nextk room]

Professor Marcus:
[as she shuts the door] What happened?

One-Round:
I thought they'd, uh, done 'er in. I thought, uh, I thought Harry done 'er.

Professor Marcus:
So?

One-Round:
So all right, I made a mistake!

Professor Marcus:
[Puts his face in his hand] Put him in the barrow...

[Harry and Marcus are distracting Mrs. Wilberforce while Louis deals with the Major on the roof]

Mrs. Louisa Wilberforce:
It won't do any harm to tell you now that Major Courtney has gone to the police. They'll be here shortly.

[there is a loud crash from outside]

Mrs. Louisa Wilberforce:
Oh! Whatever is that?

Harry:
I expect something fell off the roof, mum.

Mrs. Louisa Wilberforce:
The roof?

Harry:
Probably a... chimney-pot.

Mrs. Louisa Wilberforce:
A chimney-pot?

Professor Marcus:
See who it is, Harry

[pushes Harry out the door]

One-Round:
[looking blankly at his cello] Are we supposed to make noises with these things? What kind o' noises?

Louis:
Who is she?

Professor Marcus:
Not "noises," One-Round, *music*!

Louis:
I said what does she mean, you... [Professor Marcus shushes him and turns on the record, dancing a bit to the music]

Mrs. Louisa Wilberforce:
...May I ask you where you studied?

One-Round:
...Well, I didn't really study any place, Lady... I just sort of... picked it up.

Mrs. Louisa Wilberforce:
You know, I was so surprised when I heard what you were playing. It brought back something that, really, I'd completely forgotten all about: my 21st birthday party. You see, my father had engaged a string quintet to come in and play in the evening; and while they were playing Boccherini, someone came in and said the old queen had passed away. And everyone went home. And that was the end of my party, all that time ago, in Pangbourne.

[Silence]

Mrs. Louisa Wilberforce:
Well, if you'll excuse me, I'll run and make the tea. The kettle *must* be nearly on the boil.

[She leaves]

One-Round:
Who's she talkin' about? Old queen who?

[She knocks on the door]

Mrs. Louisa Wilberforce:
[pacing] Oh, oh dear, oh dear. Poor Mr. Robinson.

[She knocks again; the music stops and Claude opens the door]

Mrs. Louisa Wilberforce:
I'm so sorry, Major Courtney, but I'm afraid General Gordon has bitten Mr. Robinson's finger. Now he's on the top of the cabinet and refuses to come down.

Louis:
Mr. Robinson is on top of the cabinet?

Mrs. Louisa Wilberforce:
Oh, no Mr. Harvey. General Gordon. Mr. Lawson, you're the tallest. Do you think you could try to get him down for us?

One-Round:
Sure, I'll get 'im, mum [he starts down the stairs]

Mrs. Louisa Wilberforce:
Oh, I feel I'm being such a bother.

Louis:
How could you possibly think a thing like that?

Mrs. Louisa Wilberforce:
Oh, you *are* kind.

Louis:
[asked to get General Gordon, Mrs. Wilberforce's parrot] I'm not chasing any parrot! I don't care if he's a field marshall!

[Professor Marcus enters the phone booth right as the phone rings. On the other end, Claude is in another phone booth outside the train station, watching Mrs. Wilberforce collect their trunk]

Professor Marcus:
Now, Major, before we start, let's press button A, shall we?... That's better... Major. Ma - Major! I want you to keep calm, speak quietly, and concentrate. Have you got that? Splendid. Mrs. W. should be coming into view just about... [hums]... now... Now she's driving away. [She does, but comes back] . Major, Major, Major [throws phone book] RELAX! Calm down!

Claude:
Back to the station! She's come back to the station!

Louis:
[Enters phone booth] What's wrong? Major!

Professor Marcus:
Louis! Louis!

Louis:
Major, tell me what's happening! Major!

Professor Marcus:
Louis! Louis, will you mind your own business, please!

Harry:
[Now Harry is in the phone booth too, and One-Round tries to squeeze in with them] Louis! Give us a listen, Louis! Come on, let me hear, will you? I want to hear! [to One-Round] Get out! Louis, I want to hear what he says!

Louis:
[to One-Round] You get out! Major, tell me what's happening!

Mrs. Louisa Wilberforce:
[Comes out of the train station with her umbrella] I'm always leaving it.

Louis:
[Professor Marcus is laughing] What's she doing?

One-Round:
What's going on here?

Professor Marcus:
It's all right, it's just that she went back to get her umbrella!

[driving past the police station, they see their case of money sitting in the doorway]

Harry:
I don't believe it. I don't *believe* it!

Louis:
Shut up.

One-Round:
It's just... sitting there... look, couldn't we...?

Professor Marcus:
No one, I hope, is going to suggest that we steal it.

[Professor Marcus hears the parrots chattering downstairs]

Professor Marcus:
What's that? Who's talking?

Mrs. Louisa Wilberforce:
Well, it's only General Gordon. He belonged to my late husband. I had four.

Professor Marcus:
Husbands?

Mrs. Louisa Wilberforce:
No, parrots. And now I've only three.

Professor Marcus:
Parrots!

Professor Marcus:
You're most kind, and if I may say so, you have a very curious and charming house. Such, um, pretty windows.

Mrs. Louisa Wilberforce:
Oh, thank you,

[pointing to a window]

Mrs. Louisa Wilberforce:
And I rather favour positions...

Professor Marcus:
[interrupting] I always think the windows are the eyes of a house, and didn't someone say the eyes are the windows of the soul?

Mrs. Louisa Wilberforce:
I don't really know. Oh, it's such a charming thought, I do hope someone expressed it!

Mrs. Louisa Wilberforce:
Professor, I must give you back your ten shillings. You see, the cabber wouldn't take any money, because he said he was going into some other business.

[At the police station]

Junk Man:
And it's a brown horse, eleven years old, and answers to the name of Dennis.

[Mrs. Wilberforce has just discovered the money. Louis pulls Harry aside]

Louis:
We must get her out of here.

Harry:
A snatch?

Louis:
Get her into the car.

[One of Mrs. Wilberforce's guests arrives]

Louis:
We'll have to take them both. We've got to get away!

[Two more guests arrive]

Harry:
What do you think we should do? Charter a bus?

Mrs. Louisa Wilberforce:
[Mrs Wilberforce has realised Professor Marcus and his group are thieves and not musicians] Indeed, I thought not. I am shocked by this revelation. Shocked and appalled.