The Last Boy Scout

Joe Hallenbeck:
Water is wet, the sky is blue, women have secrets ... who gives a f***?

Joe Hallenbeck:
This is the '90s. You don't just go around punching people. You have to say something cool first

Joe Hallenbeck:
I swear to Christ that if I survive this f***ing case I'm gonna dance a jig.

Joe Hallenbeck:
[giving Jimmy a briefcase full of $6 million] Go buy yourself a new pair of pants.

Joe Hallenbeck:
Hey Milo, where you callin' from? The bottom of the pool?

Jimmy Dix:
I figure you gotta be the dumbest guy in the world, Joe. You're trying the save the life of the man who ruined your career, and avenge the death of the guy that f***ed your wife.

Jimmy Dix:
[to himself] Okay, what would Joe do at a time like this? He'd shoot everybody and smoke some cigarettes.

Jimmy Dix:
[Jimmy has just survived being thrown off an overpass and is now trying to calm startled motorists] It's okay. It's okay, folks. It's okay. It's okay. Thank you. Thank you. Danger is my middle name. Don't try this at home, folks. I'm a trained professional. There's me, and there's Super Dave.[Passes out]

Jimmy Dix:
If you go any faster we're gonna travel back through time.

Milo:
[Before shooting a cop, "Good morning gentlemen, is there a problem?"] Yes, officer, as a matter of fact there is a problem, apparently there are too many bullets in this gun.

Milo:
Naughty boy, Joseph... You just killed a police officer.

Milo:
I am the bad guy.

Milo:
Excuse me, but did any of you stupid shits bother to frisk this F***?!

Milo:
[Threatening Joe with his knife] You think you are so f***ing cool, don't you? You think you are so f***ing cool. But just once, I would like to hear you scream in pain...

Milo:
You back off Joseph... Or I'm gonna show your daughter what a hot date I am...

Milo:
Push this vile, f*** off the road man!

Darian Hallenbeck:
(to Jimmy) What the hell is that number on the back of your head? What is that, like a license plate in case someone tries to steal it?

Sarah Hallenbeck:
Call your shrink, Joe! Call him and tell him that you're f***ing losing it!

Billy Cole:
Ain't life a b*tch?

Inspector:
This is a police matter, you dumb son of a b*tch! And I'm sick and tired of sweeping up your dead bodies! Now the next time I see your ugly mug...I'm gonna put a bullet in it! You got it?

Joe Hallenbeck:
I believe in Love, I believe in Cancer.

Jimmy Dix:
What, they're both diseases?

Joe Hallenbeck:
Yea, something like that.

Jimmy Dix:
I want to meet the b*tch that f***ed you up.

Alley Thug:
All right, you want it in the chest, or the head?

Joe Hallenbeck:
Yeah, that's what your wife said.

Alley Thug:
Hey, would you stop with the wife sh*t?

Joe Hallenbeck:
Ask me how fat she is.

Alley Thug:
F*** you, man! How fat is she?

Joe Hallenbeck:
She's so fat I had to roll her in flour and look for the wet spot. Motherf***er, if you wanna f*** her you gotta slap her thigh and ride the wave in. Now I'm not saying she's fat, her high school picture was an aerial photograph.

Milo:
Can we get a formal introduction?

Joe Hallenbeck:
Who gives a f***? You're the bad guy, right?

Milo:
I am the bad guy.

Joe Hallenbeck:
And I'm supposed to be trembling with fear, something like that?

Milo:
Something like that.

Joe Hallenbeck:
Fine, I'll start trembling in a minute. In the meantime, you think I could have a drink?

Jimmy Dix:
Man, you couldn't protect a cup of warm piss.

[throws ice at Joe]

Joe Hallenbeck:
Why don't you just go ahead and hit me?

Jimmy Dix:
Excuse me?

Joe Hallenbeck:
Come on, chicken sh*t. Bust me in the chops. You don't think an old guy like me could hurt ya, do ya Jimmy?

Jimmy Dix:
So now you know my name?

Joe Hallenbeck:
James Alexander Dix. Quarterback for the L.A. Stallions, '89-'90. Banned from the league on gambling charges, allegations of drug abuse. Another tragic tale of wasted youth.

Jimmy Dix:
[stands up from his chair] Now you're starting to piss me off.

Joe Hallenbeck:
It's about f***in' time. I'm Joe Hallenbeck.

Joe Hallenbeck:
[Joe reaches out his hand, Jimmy slaps it] I'm a private detective.

Jimmy Dix:
You're like a f***in' lowlife to me.

Joe Hallenbeck:
At least I didn't sh*t my talent away on coke.

[Jimmy tries to punch Joe, who subsequently blocks his punch and pushes him on the ground]

Joe Hallenbeck:
[noticing his spilled whiskey] I spilled my warm cup of piss.

Jimmy Dix:
It ain't right.

Joe Hallenbeck:
No, it ain't right. [sighs]

Joe Hallenbeck:
This ain't no game, flash. Real guns, real bullets. It's dangerous.

Jimmy Dix:
Danger's my middle name.

Joe Hallenbeck:
Mine's Cornelius. You tell anybody, I'll kill you.

Jimmy Dix:
You ever watch "Soul Train"?

Joe Hallenbeck:
Shut the f*** up.

Joe Hallenbeck:
Hey flash, rescue attempt?

Jimmy Dix:
Blow me.

Milo:
You must be James.

Jimmy Dix:
[sarcastically] James?

Joe Hallenbeck:
He does that with everybody. He calls me Joseph.

Milo:
I trust you're alone.

Jimmy Dix:
No, I got the f***in' Vienna Boys Choir with me. What, is everybody stupid around here?

[thug slams his head into car bonnet]

Joe Hallenbeck:
Just you, kid.

Jimmy Dix:
Hey, man. You ever play ball? You've got a good build.

Joe Hallenbeck:
What are you, a fag?

Jimmy Dix:
No, I'm just trying to break the ice.

Joe Hallenbeck:
I like ice. Leave it the f*** alone.

Jimmy Dix:
Oh, you're a lot of fun to be with.

Jimmy Dix:
Okay, you pull up and I yell at them.

Joe Hallenbeck:
What?!

Jimmy Dix:
Pull up next to them, I'll roll my window down and yell at them!

Joe Hallenbeck:
That's the lamest f***ing plan I ever heard!

Jimmy Dix:
Can we try it?!

Joe Hallenbeck:
It's bulletproof glass, they're not gonna hear you, you moron!

[Dix takes out a sheet of paper and a pen and starts drawing something]

Joe Hallenbeck:
Now what are you doing?

Jimmy Dix:
I'm drawing them a picture.

Joe Hallenbeck:
What is that?

Jimmy Dix:
It's a bomb.

Joe Hallenbeck:
It doesn't look like a bomb, it looks like an apple with lines coming out of it! They're gonna say, "don't open the briefcase, it's full of fresh fruit"!

Jimmy Dix:
You wanna draw the damn thing?

[As they pull alongside the bodyguards' car Dix scrawls "BOM" below his drawing]

Jimmy Dix:
[shows Hallenbeck the drawing] Happy?

Joe Hallenbeck:
Are you kidding me?

[Dix puts the drawing up against his window, showing it to the bodyguards]

Jimmy Dix:
Always criticizing my sh*t. I can't do nothing right.

[The bodyguards look at the drawing, then shoot at Dix and Hallenbeck]

Jimmy Dix:
Oh, sh*t!

Joe Hallenbeck:
I forgot to tell you. "Bom" means "f*** you" in Polish.

Jimmy Dix:
Hey, that's not funny, man! I almost bought it there!

Joe Hallenbeck:
Tragic loss to the art world, let me tell ya.

[After halfway being blown up by C4]

Joe Hallenbeck:
Do dead guys make bad jokes?

Jimmy Dix:
No.

Joe Hallenbeck:
"Then we're alive."

Jimmy Dix:
So, what else?

Joe Hallenbeck:
Well, there's not much more to tell than that. Water's wet, the sky's blue. And old Satan Claus, Jimmy, he's out there. And he's just getting stronger.

Jimmy Dix:
So what do we do about that?

Joe Hallenbeck:
Be prepared, son. That's my motto. "Be prepared."

Milo:
You think you're so f***ing cool, don't you? You think you're so f***ing cool. But just once, I would like to hear you scream... in pain...

Joe Hallenbeck:
Play some rap music.

They're two fallen heroes up against the gambling syndicate in pro sports

Everyone had counted them out. But they're about to get back in the game.

[Joe has just found out that Mike was sleeping with his wife]

Mike Mathews:
It just happened, Joe. It...

Joe Hallenbeck:
Sure, sure, I know... it just happened. Coulda happened to anybody. It was an accident, right? You tripped, slipped on the floor and accidentally stuck your dick in my wife. "Whoops! I'm so sorry, Mrs. H. I guess this just isn't my week."

Joe Hallenbeck:
Nobody likes you. Everybody hates you. You’re gonna lose. Smile, you f***!

Mob hitter (to Joe):
What's your name, fuckface?

Joe Hallenbeck:
I'm a**hole. He's fuckface.

[Joe noticed Jimmy using drugs in his bathroom, and kicks him out.]

Jimmy Dix:
I use that sh*t to get by.

Joe Hallenbeck:
I don't use it; I get by. Get dressed and get out.

Jimmy Dix:
[As he is putting on his clothes] Oh, right, I forgot: talkin' to "Dudley" f***in' "Do-Right"! Sh*t happens real easy, man. It starts out... painkillers. Usin' Demerol because your f***in' KNEES are shot! 'Fore you know it, you're chewin'... codeine with your pancakes. And then a truck comes out of nowhere, and you're talkin' to God. And you're sayin' "Hey... help me out, Big Guy. I pay taxes. I go to church. What's with this "dead WIFE AND KID" SH*T?! But He ain't answerin'. He ain't takin' no calls that day. Instead I get a call from the f***in' League, and they're sayin' "Hey, kid, your career's over." I say "Why?" Because I gambled. WHY is there a f***in' INJURY REPORT in pro football, huh?! Nobody else has one: pro football does! You know why? It's so the GAMBLERS will have a f***in' accurate spread! It's all business now! They PUSH you until you blow your f***in' BRAINS out, just like Billy Cole did! Can't you see those F***IN' HYPOCRITES TOOK AWAY MY F***IN' LIFE?!!

Joe Hallenbeck:
[in a pensive tone] When you're done feelin' sorry for yourself, the front door's that way.

Jimmy Dix:
You bastard...

Joe Hallenbeck:
[as Jimmy leaves] And then some.