The Last Unicorn

Mommy Fortuna:
Oh she'll kill me one day or another. But she will remember forever that *I* caught her, and *I* held her prisoner. So there's my immortality, hey?

Mommy Fortuna:
The harpy's as real as you are, and just as immortal. And she was just as easy to catch, if you want to know.

Unicorn:
Do not boast, old woman. Your death sits in that cage, and she hears you.

Mommy Fortuna:
Oh, she'll kill me one day or another. But she will remember forever that I caught her, and I held her prisoner. So there's my immortality, eh?

Unicorn:
Let me go. And let her go too. I cannot bear to see her caged. We are two sides of the same magic... The harpy and me, we are not for you.

Unicorn:
I am no longer like the others, for no unicorn was ever born who could regret, but now I do. I regret.

[the unicorn has just looked at all the "horrors" in the other cages at the carnival and discovered that they are not real; they are only illusions]

Unicorn:
That one is real. That is the harpy, Celaeno.

Schmendrick:
Yes, the old woman caught her by chance, the same way she took you. Oh, she should never have meddled with a real harpy! Or a real unicorn for that matter. Because the truth melts her magic, always.

Amalthea:
Who am I? Why am I here? What is it that I'm searching for in this strange place, day after day?

Schmendrick:
It's a very rare person who is taken for what he truly is.

King Haggard:
You are losing my interest, and that is very dangerous.

Mabruk:
Haggard, I would not be you for all the world. You have let your doom in by the front door, but it will not depart that way! Farewell, poor Haggard!

The Cat:
When the wine drinks itself, when the skull speaks, when the clock strikes the right time, only then will you find the tunnel that leads to the Red Bull. There be a trick to it, of course.

Amalthea:
But I'm always dreaming, even when I'm awake; it is never finished.

Molly Grue:
Why won't you help me? Why must you always speak in riddles?

The Cat:
Because I be, what I be. I would tell you what you want to know if I could, mum, but I be a cat. And no cat anywhere, ever gave anyone a straight answer.

Molly:
No, it can't be. Can it be? Where have you been? Where have you been? Damn you! Where have you been?

Schmendrick:
Don't you talk to her that way!

Unicorn:
I'm here now.

Molly:
And where were you twenty years ago? Ten years ago? Where were you when I was new? When I was one of those innocent young maidens you always come to? How dare you! How dare you come to me now, when I am this!

[Weeps]

Schmendrick:
Can you really see her? Do you know what she is?

Molly:
If you had been waiting to see a unicorn, as long as I have...

Schmendrick:
She's the last unicorn in the world.

Molly:
It would be the last unicorn that came to Molly Grue. It's all right, I forgive you.

King Haggard:
[the castle is crumbling and Haggard is about to fall to his death] The last! I knew you were the last!

Haggard:
What are you looking at?

Amalthea:
The sea.

Haggard:
Ah yes, the sea is always good. There is nothing I can look at for very long, except the sea.

Haggard:
What is the matter with your eyes? Why can I not see myself, in your eyes?

Schmendrick:
If we run away then all the unicorns of the world will remain prisoners forever except one. And she will grow old and die.

Amalthea:
Everything dies! I want to die when you die.

[looks at Lir]

Amalthea:
I'm no unicorn, no magical creature. I'm a woman, and I love you, Lir. Don't let him change me! Lir, I will not love you when I'm a unicorn.

Prince Lir:
Amalthea, don't...

Schmendrick:
Then let the quest end here! I don't think I could change you back, even if you wished it. Marry the prince, and live happily ever after.

Amalthea:
Yes, that is my wish.

Prince Lir:
No. My lady, I am a hero. Heroes know that things must happen when it is time for them to happen. A quest may not simply be abandoned; unicorns may go unrescued for a long time, but not forever. A happy ending cannot come in the middle of the story.

Molly Grue:
But what if there isn't a happy ending?

Schmendrick:
There are no happy endings, because nothing ends.

Molly Grue:
Schmendrick, let her stay the way she is. Let her be...

Schmendrick:
That's not in the story. Lir know that, and so does she.

Molly Grue:
You don't care! You don't care what happens to her or to the others, just so you're a real magician at last. You don't care-"

Schmendrick:
Well I wish I didn't care! I wish to God I didn't care about anything but my magic! But I do! I do.

Schmendrick:
Step down, lady, you are free!

Unicorn:
You may come if you like. But I wish you had asked some other reward for setting me free

Schmendrick the Magician:
I thought about it. But you couldn't give me what I really wanted.

Unicorn:
No. I cannot change you into something you are not. I cannot make you a real magician.

Schmendrick the Magician:
Ah its ok. Don't worry about it.

Unicorn:
Oh I won't.

Celeano:
Set me free. We are sisters you and I.

Schmendrick the Magician:
Come with me.

Molly Grue:
I will.

Molly Grue:
Please! Please do something!

Schmendrick the Magician:
What can I do? Do you think the Red Bull likes card tricks? If I could, I would change her into some other creature, some beast too humble for the Bull to be concerned with. But that would take a real magician with real magic, and I can't pretend anymore...

Molly Grue:
But you do. You have magic. Maybe you can't find it, but it's there. You called Robin Hood, and there is no Robin Hood. You have all the power you need if you dared to look for it.

Ruhk:
Okay, Schmendrick, I give up. Why *is* a raven like a writing desk? Heh?

Unicorn:
You are a true wizard now, as you always wished. Does it make you happy?

Schmendrick:
Well, men don't always know when they're happy. But I-I think so. And you?

Unicorn:
I am a little afraid to go home. I have been mortal, and some part of me is mortal yet. I am no longer like the others, for no unicorn was ever born who could regret, but I now I do. I regret.

Schmendrick:
I am sorry. I have done you evil and I cannot undo it.

Unicorn:
No. Unicorns are in the world again. No sorrow will live in me with that joy-save one. And I thank you for that part, too. Farewell good magician. I will try to go home.

Unicorn:
I have forgotten that men cannot see Unicorns. If men no longer know what they're looking at, there may be other unicorns in the world yet, unknown, and glad of it.

Schmendrick:
I know you. If I were blind I'd know what you are.

Schmendrick:
Tell me what you see. Don't be afraid. Look at your fellow legends and tell me what you see.

Unicorn:
What he calls a Manticore looks to be no more than a shabby, toothless lion. And he has that whole crowd believing that poor old ape with the twisted foot is a Satyr! Illusions, deceptions, mirages! Your Mommy Fortuna cannot truly change things!

Schmendrick:
That is true. She can only disguise, and only for those eager to believe whatever comes easiest. She cannot turn cream into butter, but she can make a lion look like a manticore to eyes that want to see a manticore. Just like she put a false horn on a real unicorn so they can see the unicorn. I know you. If I were blind, I would know what you are.

Unicorn:
Who are you?

Schmendrick:
I am called Schmendrick, the Magician. Uh... you won't have heard of me.

Schmendrick the Magician:
[to Molly] You can't come with us. We're on a quest!

Molly:
Where were you twenty years ago? Ten years ago? Where were you when I was new? When I was one of those innocent young maidens you always come to? How dare you! How dare you come to me now, when I am this!

Schmendrick:
The magic chose the shape, not I. I am a bearer, I am a dwelling, I am a messenger...

Molly:
You are an idiot!

Haggard:
You may come and go as you please. My secrets guard themselves. Will yours do the same?

Schmendrick:
I can't do this very much longer. He had me juggling teacups all night long. Teacups! With tea in them!

Prince Lir:
I wish you would ask something of me.

Almathea:
Drown out my dreams! Keep me from remembering whatever wants me to remember it!

Haggard:
Love is slowing you down, my lady. I will catch you at last, if you love much more.

Amalthea:
Once, I can't remember, I was long ago, someone strange. I was innocent and wise, and full of pain. Now that I'm a woman, everything has changed. Once, when I was searching, somewhere out of reach, far away, in a place I could not find, or heart obey. Now that I'm a woman, everything is strange.

The Cat:
No cat out of its first fur was ever deceived by appearances, unlike human beings, who seem to enjoy it.

Butterfly:
Listen. Don't listen to ME, listen. You can find the others if you are brave. They passed down all the roads long ago, and the Red Bull ran close behind them and covered their footprints. Listen! Listen, listen QUICKLY!

Unicorn:
[agitated] I AM listening! Where did they go and what is the Red Bull?

Butterfly:
Listen! LISTEN! [insane laughter] The king is in his counting house, counting out, counting out, counting...

Schmendrick:
Don't cry. If you have become human enough to cry, then all the magic in the world cannot change you back.

Butterfly:
Your name is a golden bell hung in my heart. I would break my body to pieces to call you once by your name.

The Tree:
There is no immortality but a tree's love.

Schmendrick:
There are no happy endings because nothing ends.

Schmendrick the Magician:
Oh god, I'm engaged to a douglas fir!

Schmendrick the Magician:
Be rary of wousing a rizard's wrath - rousing a rizard's - Be wary of making a magician angry!

The Cat:
No cat anywhere ever gave anyone a straight answer.

Prince Lir:
Heroes know that things must happen when it is time for them to happen. A quest may not simply be abandoned; unicorns may go unrescued for a long time, but not forever; a happy ending cannot come in the middle of the story.

Molly Grue:
What is the use of wizardry if it cannot save a unicorn?

Schmendrick the Magician:
That is what heroes are for.

Schmendrick the Magician:
She will remember your heart when men are fairy tales in books written by rabbits. Of all unicorns, she is the only one who knows what regret is - and love.

The Unicorn:
Never run from anything immortal; it only attracts their attention.

The Butterfly:
They passed down all the roads long ago. And the Red Bull ran behind them, and covered their footsteps.

Schmendrick:
You pile of stones! I'll set all your toenails growing in, you mess with me!

Schmendrick:
Shut up, you pretentious kneecap! How'd you like a punch in the eye?

Hunter #1:
Unicorns? I thought they only existed in fairytales. This is a forest, like any other... isn't it?

Hunter #2:
Then why do the leaves never fall here? Or the snow? Why is it always spring here? I tell you there is one unicorn left in the world, and as long as it lives in this forest we'll find no game to hunt here.

The Balladeers:
[sung] they will stare unbelieving at the last unicorn...

Unicorn:
There has never been a time without unicorns. We live forever! We are as old as the sky, old as the moon! We can be hunted, trapped; we can even be killed if we leave our forests, but we do not *vanish*. Am I truly the last?

Unicorn:
Say my name then. If you know my name, tell it to me.

The Butterfly:
[quoting Romeo & Juliet] Your name is a golden bell hung in my heart. I would break my body to pieces to call you once by your name...!

Unicorn:
Say it, if you know.

The Butterfly:
Rumpelstiltskin! Gotcha!

The Butterfly:
It's you and me, moth! Hand to hand to hand to hand to hand to...

Unicorn:
I can never regret. I can feel sorrow, but it's not the same thing.

[Lir is trying to compose a poem]

Prince Lir:
The lift of longing / The crash of loss / The bitterness of... cross? boss? moss? Damn!

King Haggard:
I know you! I almost knew you as soon as I saw you on the road coming to my door. Since then, there is no movement of yours that has not betrayed you! A pace, a glance, a turn of the head, the flash of your throat as you breathe... even your way of standing perfectly still - they were all my spies!

King Haggard:
Each time I see the unicorns, MY unicorns, it is like that morning in the woods, and I am truly young, in spite of myself!

Prince Lir:
Unicorn, mermaid, sorceress... no name you could give her would surprise OR frighten me. I love whom I love.

Schmendrick:
Well, that's a very nice sentiment, but when I change her back into her true self...

Prince Lir:
I love whom I love.

Unicorn:
I'm a little afraid to go home. I have been mortal, and some part of me is mortal yet. I am no longer like the others, for no unicorn was ever born who could regret, but now I do. I regret.

Schmendrick:
I am sorry. I have done you evil and I cannot undo it.

Unicorn:
No. Unicorns are in the world again! No sorrow will live in me with that joy... save one - and I thank you for that part, too.

Unicorn:
You are a true wizard now, as you always wished. Does it make you happy?

Schmendrick:
Well... men don't always know when they're happy. But I - I think so.

[Schmendrick has turned the Unicorn into a mortal woman]

Unicorn:
I can feel this body DYING all around me!

Unicorn:
[now a woman] I am afraid of this mortal body... more afraid than I was of the Red Bull.

Unicorn:
Once, I can't remember, I was long ago, someone strange. I was innocent and wise, and full of pain. Now that I'm a woman, everything has changed. Once, when I was searching, somewhere out of reach, far away, in a place I could not find, or heart obey. Now that I'm a woman, everything is strange.

Prince Lir:
[singing] I've had time to write a book about the way you act and look, / But I haven't got a paragraph. / Words are always getting in my way. / Anyway, I love you. That's all I have to tell you. / That's all I've got to say. / And now I'd like to make a speech about the love that touches each, / But stumbling I would make you laugh. / I feel as though my tongue were made of clay. Anyway, I love you. That's all I have to tell you...

Schmendrick:
I am Schmendrick the magician, last of the red hot swamis.

[a farmer thinks the unicorn is a white mare, infuriating her]

Unicorn:
[furious] Mare? MARE? I? A HORSE? Is THAT what you take me for? Is THAT what you see?

Unicorn:
Or is the story of the Red Bull just another of his songs? I can't leave the forest, but I must know if I'm the only unicorn left in the world. What if they're hiding together... somewhere far away? What if they're waiting for me? In need of my help?

The Unicorn:
I'm looking for others like me. Have you seen them, Magician?

Schmendrick:
No, I've never seen anyone like you. Not while I was awake, anyway.

Unicorn:
Tell me, butterfly, have you seen the other unicorns?

Butterfly:
[singing] Oh, have you seen the muffin man, the muffin man, the muffin man?

The Skull:
To get to the Red Bull's chamber, you have to walk through time. A clock isn't time; it's just numbers and springs. Pay it no mind.

Schmendrick:
[the skull laughs obnoxiously] Shut up, you pretentious kneecap! How'd you like a punch in the eye?

Molly Grue:
You made it laugh, anyway. Maybe that's all it needs to make it speak.

The Skull:
[choking with laughter]... It isn't!

Ruhk:
You have taken my keys! She'll string you on barbed wire and make a necklace... for a HARPY!

[realizes Amalthea is a Unicorn]

The Skull:
Oh no. No, you don't. Not THAT one. Unicorn! Unicorn! Haggard! Haggard! UNICORN! UNICORN! Haggard, where are you? There they go! Down to the Red Bull! The clock, Haggard! There they go! Unicorn! UNICORN!

The Skull:
[after drinking imaginary wine from an empty bottle] That was the real stuff! That was wine!

The Skull:
Ask me how to find the Red bull [chuckles] even Prince Lir doesn't know the secret way... but I dooo [chuckles]

Schmendrick:
Oh you do eh? Answer the riddle then, tell us the way.

The Skull:
Say pleeeaaase.

Schmendrick:
[sighs] Please.

The Skull:
[slight pause] No!

King Haggard:
I like to watch them. They fill me with joy. The first I felt it I thought I was going to die. I said to the Red Bull I must have them, all of them, all there are. For nothing makes me happy but their shining and their grace. So the Red Bull caught them. Each time I see the unicorns, my unicorns, it is like that morning in the woods and I am truly young, in spite of myself.

Cully's Man #1:
Rat-soup! Again, rat-soup!

Cully's Man #2:
At least she could use a different rat, the third night anyway!

[first lines]

Hunter #2:
I dislike the feel of this woods. Creatures that live in a unicorn's forest learn a little magic of their own in time. Mainly concerned with disappearing.

[last lines]

The Unicorn:
Farewell good magician, I will just go home.

Older Hunter:
I mislike the feel of these woods. Creatures that live in a Unicorn's forest learn a little magic of their own in time, mainly concerned with disappearing.

Younger Hunter:
Unicorns? I thought they only existed in fairy tales. This is a forest, like any other... isn't it?

Older Hunter:
Then why do the leaves never fall here? Or the snow? Why is it always spring here? I tell you there is one unicorn left in the world, and as long as it lives in this forest we'll find no game to hunt here.

Younger Hunter:
Let's turn around, hunt somewhere else.

Older Hunter:
Stay where you are, poor beast. This is no world for you! Stay in your forest and keep you trees green, and your friends protected. And good luck to you, for you are the last!

Unicorn:
Say my name then. If you know my name, tell it to me.

Butterfly:
[quoting Romeo and Juliet] Your name is a golden bell hung in my heart. I would break my body to pieces to call you once by your name...!

Unicorn:
Say it, if you know.

Butterfly:
Rumpelstiltskin! Gotcha!

Unicorn:
I should know better to expect a silly butterfly to know my name! All butterflies know are songs, and poetry, and anything else they hear. I guess you mean well. Fly away, Butterfly!

Butterfly:
One, two, three, O'Leary..

Butterfly:
Listen. Don't listen to ME, listen. You can find the others if you are brave. They passed down all the roads long ago, and the Red Bull ran close behind them and covered their footprints. Listen! Listen, listen QUICKLY!

Unicorn:
I AM listening! Where did they go and what is the Red Bull?

Butterfly:
Listen! LISTEN! [laughs] The king is in his counting house, counting out, counting out, counting...

Schmendrick:
Tell me what you see. Don't be afraid. Look at your fellow legends and tell me what you see.

Unicorn:
What he calls a manticore looks to be no more than a shabby, toothless lion. And he has them believing that poor old ape with the twisted foot is a satyr! Illusions, deceptions, mirages! Your Mommy Fortuna cannot truly change things!

Schmendrick:
That's true. She can only disguise, and only for those eager to believe whatever comes easiest. … No, She cannot turn cream into butter, but she can make a lion look like a manticore to eyes that want to see a manticore. Just like she put a false horn, on a real unicorn, so they could see the unicorn. I know you. If I were blind, I would know what you are.

Unicorn:
Who are you?

Schmendrick:
I am called Schmendrick, the Magician. Uh... you won't have heard of me. I entertain the sight-seers as they gather for the show. It's not much of a job for a real magician, but I've had worse.

Unicorn [seeing the harpy]:
That one is real. That is the harpy Celaeno.

Schmendrick:
Yes, the old woman caught her by chance, asleep, just as she took you. Oh, she should never have meddled with a real harpy — or a real unicorn for that matter. Because the truth melts her magic, always. She is going to free herself very soon now and she must not catch you uncaged.

Rukh:
Move away from there! You know what she told you!

Schmendrick:
Don't be afraid; Schmendrick is with you. Do nothing 'til you hear from me.

Mommy Fortuna:
The harpy's as real as you are, and just as immortal. And she was just as easy to capture, if you want to know.

Unicorn:
Do not boast, old woman. Your death sits in that cage, and she hears you.

Mommy Fortuna:
Oh, she'll kill me one day or another. But she will remember forever that I caught her; I held her prisoner. So there's my immortality, eh? Ha! Ha! Now, you were out on the road, hunting for your own death, and I know where it awaits you. I know HIM, that one..

Unicorn:
Do you speak of the Red Bull? Tell me, if you do, and where he is, if you know!

Mommy Fortuna:
The Red Bull of King Haggard...so you know of the Bull! Well, he'll not have you! You belong to me.

Unicorn:
You know better... Keep your poor shadows, if you will, but let me go, and, let her go. I cannot see her caged. She is real, like me. We are two sides of the same magic… The harpy and me, we are not for you.

Mommy Fortuna:
Who are you for then? Do you think those fools knew you, without any help from me? Ha ha ha! No! I had to give you a horn they could see! Ha ha! These days it takes a cheap carnival trick to make folk recognize a real unicorn. But, the Red Bull will know you when he sees you, so you are safer here! You should thank me for protecting you!

Schmendrick:
Take me with you, for luck, for laughs, for the unknown...

Unicorn:
You may come with me, if you like, though I wish you'd asked for some other reward for having freed me.

Schmendrick:
I thought about it. But you couldn't granted my true wish.

Unicorn:
No. I cannot turn you into something you are not. I cannot turn you into a true magician.

Schmendrick:
Ah, it's ok. Don't worry about it.

Unicorn:
I'm not.

Schmendrick:
The Red Bull came for a unicorn, so she had to become something else. The magic chose the shape, not I. I am a bearer, I am a dwelling, I am a messenger…

Molly Grue:
You are an idiot! Do you hear me? You've lost her! You've trapped her in a human body! She'll go mad!

Lír:
You were dreaming, my Lady.

Amalthea:
But I am always dreaming, even when I am awake! It is never finished. I will not trouble you, my Lord Prince.

Lír:
Trouble me, please, trouble me! I would court you with more grace, if I knew how. I only wish you wanted something of me..

Amalthea:
Drown out my dreams! Keep me from remembering, whatever wants me to remember it!

Lír [as the Red Bull chases the Unicorn]:
Do something! You have the power! I will kill you if you don't do something.

Schmendrick:
I cannot, not all the magic in the world can help her now.

Molly Grue:
Then what is magic for? What is the use of wizardry if it cannot even save a unicorn?

Schmendrick:
That's what heroes are for.

Lír:
Of course — that is exactly what heroes are for.

Lír:
I wish I could see her just once more, so I could tell her all that's in my heart. She will never know what I really meant to say.

Schmendrick:
She will remember your heart when men are fairy tales in books written by rabbits. Of all unicorns, she is the only one who knows what regret is — and love.

Unicorn / Lady Amalthea:
Do not boast, old woman. Your death sits in that cage, and she hears you.

Unicorn / Lady Amalthea:
I wish you had let the Red Bull take me! I wish you had left me to the harpy! I can feel this body DYING all around me!

Unicorn / Lady Amalthea:
Everything dies! I want to die when YOU die!

Unicorn / Lady Amalthea:
Unicorns are in the world again. No sorrow will live in me as long as that joy, save one...and I thank you for that part, too.

Schmendrick The Magician:
You deserve the services of a great wizard, but I'm afraid you'll have to be glad of aid of a second-rate pickpocket.

Schmendrick The Magician:
Magic, do as you will! Magic, do as you will!

Schmendrick The Magician:
Haggard has them all now, drifting on the waves to his delight. All but one, and that one is the Lady Amalthea.

Schmendrick The Magician:
She will remember your heart when men are fairy tales, and books are written by rabbits.

King Haggard:
Do you still deny yourself? Do you dare still pretend to be human? I'll hurl you down to the others with my own hands if you dare deny yourself!

Rukh:
This here is the manticore. A man's head, a lion's body, tail of a scorpion. Creatures of night, brought to light. Here is a dragon. Breathes fire now and then. Mostly people who poke it, little boy. Its inside an inferno, but its skin so cold, it burns! Speaks 17 languages badly and is subject to gout. Creatures of night, brought to light! The Satyr. Ladies, keep back!

Unicorn / Lady Amalthea:
Please, all I want to know is if you've seen other unicorns like me somewhere in the world.

Unicorn / Lady Amalthea:
Don't look back, and don't run. You must never run from anything immortal; it attracts their attention.