The League of Gentlemen: Live at Drury Lane

Pauline:
[the audience boo her] Is this Dick f***ing Wittington? You'll want to see men dressed as women next!

Pauline:
My God, I've never seem so much dole scum under one roof before. Has no one got a job in here? No, you're all too busy flicking yourselves off to Ann Robinson!

Herr Lipp:
If you know of any erections, please let me know. I'm not fussy where I put myself.

Herr Lipp:
There's a lot of fun English games. Hop cock, British bull dykes and stick your tail in a donkey.

Prosecuter:
Did you know the deceased well?

Mickey:
Is that a pub?

Olly Plimsoles:
Good evening, we are Legz Akimbo theatre company. [applause] Thanks very much! Some of you may remember us from a couple of Christmases ago, we did a play called "Pins and Needles". A play about tramps on heroin.

Prosecuter:
The final suspect came in the shape of an old fat woman. State your name for the record madam.

Cathy Carter Smith:
MISS! Cathy Carter Smith.

Prosecuter:
Occupation?

Cathy Carter Smith:
Restart officer. I was assigned to take over from Pauline, um, the victim.

Prosecuter:
How did she react to this.

Cathy Carter Smith:
I think she took it rather well.

Pauline:
[we go back to the scene] Piss off you big fat c*nt!

Steve:
Come on Hamlet, make your mind up!

Mark:
Stop soliqusiing you danish poof!

Herr Lipp:
Enjoy the rest of your evening, sleep tight. And remember, don't let the bugger bite you.

Olly Plimsoles:
It will be the first time I've written a play for adults. I'm glad I'm not standing up here as teacher. I'm not "sir". I'm not "mum". I'm not "dad". I'm Olly Plimsoles. [patronising] And I'm not gonna patronise you. Pat-ro-nise, means to talk down to you.