The League of Gentlemen

Major Race:
Is that your wife?

Lt. Col. Hyde:
Yes.

Major Race:
Is she dead?

Lt. Col. Hyde:
No, no. I regret to say the b*tch is still going strong.

Major Race:
[after Hyde has explained his plan]

Major Race:
Alright, I'm sold. I'll sign on, for the duration.

Lt. Col. Hyde:
On my terms? Equal shares for all?

Major Race:
Well, if you insist on this socialistic nonsense, yes. You're losing a friend, but gaining a second-in-command.

Lt. Col. Hyde:
I'll settle for that.

[they drink a toast]

Mycroft:
[playing a Brigadier inspecting the training camp in response to some private who has 'complained to his MP' regarding the food] [enters Mess Hall] Carry on eating. Any complaints here?

Captain Saunders:
Come along now. Answer the Brigadier.

Other Private in Mess:
No, Sir.

Mycroft:
You're, um, quite satisfied with the food. You can speak quite freely.

Chunky Grogan:
Well, er, no, Sir. Not always, Sir. [CSM gives a menacing look]

Mycroft:
What exactly don't you like about it?

Chunky Grogan:
Well, er, they sometimes give you good grub, sir, but, er, they mess it about like.

Mycroft:
How do you mean, mess it about?

Chunky Grogan:
Well, take Sunday, Sir. I mean, er, we had a fair whack of the old roast and that and gravy and stuff, but they messed it about like. You know.

Mycroft:
Specifically?

Chunky Grogan:
Beg your pardon sir?

Mycroft:
What did they do to it?

Chunky Grogan:
Oh1 Oh, well, I'm not a cook am I? I only go by what I taste, like, and, er, it didn't taste right, see. It sort of tasted like they'd messed it about, like.

Mycroft:
What's this man's name?

Captain Saunders:
Mmm?

C.S.M.:
Grogan, Sir.

Mycroft:
That's all, is it?

Chunky Grogan:
Well, that was only last Sunday, sir.

Mycroft:
What about today's meal?

Chunky Grogan:
Oh, well, very fair, sir. You know, if you like eggs. I mean, they're not great favourites of mine, but, er, you've gotta eat them to keep your strength up, like.

Mycroft:
[sucks air through teeth] Yes. [walks off with entourage]

Other Private in Mess:
[other privates at table congratulate worthy Grogan, clapping him on the back] Well done, Rolly.

Chunky Grogan:
Well, bleedin' asked me, didn't he?

Weaver:
Nothing in the Stop Press?

Lexy:
No, just "Vicar On Grave Charge".

Stevens:
It's like being in school.

Lexy:
I sincerely hope not.