The Librarians

Jenkins:
Magic is not an exact science. If it were, it would be science.

Eve Baird:
Jenkins, quick question.

Dulaque:
I've killed more Librarians than you've seen stars, Guardian.

Ezekiel Jones:
How about we just all hold hands, bow our heads and be grateful that we're all here safe together.

Ezekiel Jones:
Why can't I stop stuffing?

Ezekiel Jones:
Love is the supreme power! It trumps everything!

Cassandra Cillian:
Are there any languages you don't speak?

Jake Stone:
Well, my Urdu's a little rusty.

Cassandra Cillian:
You know that thing where you're watching TV and you subconsciously compute the size of the set based on the height of the actor and the number of steps it takes them to walk the width of them? Like how Nathan Fillion is six foot two and it takes him 43 steps to walk across Serenity so you know the spaceship is 204 feet across?

Jenkins:
We cannot help where we come from but we can choose how it manifests itself.

Ezekiel Jones:
Who's up for movies? I've got "night," "day," "dawn," "land," and "City" of the living dead.

Eve Baird:
Still nothing on that locked room in the basement.

Jenkins:
Hmm, yes, I thought for a moment that the large animal room had moved, but...

Eve Baird:
Wait, what? "Large animal room"? Just how large are we talking?

Jenkins:
Oh, I guess Nessie is probably the largest animal down there.

Eve Baird:
When you say "Nessie," you don't mean Loch Ness Monster?

Jenkins:
Colonel Baird, "monster" is such a label.

Eve Baird:
Can we take a quick break?

Jenkins:
Your last quick break wound up being a 95-minute lunch.

Eve Baird:
That shrimp, by the way, was so good.

Jenkins:
Well, Neptune's recipe He hated those little buggers.

Isaac Stone:
Why in the hell should I listen to you?

Jake Stone:
Because I'm a genius, pop. I'm a genius. I speak nine different languages, and I can read over a dozen more! I have honorary degrees at universities on four different continents! I'm the first one they call when they discover a new piece of art, and I'm the one they're scared to call, because I'm the best in the world at discovering a fake! And I didn't tell you, because I knew that you'd see anything less than chasing the family business as a betrayal!

Cassandra Cillian:
[speaking a series of truths to keep a magical door open]... and any woman who says she hasn't is lying... I have an irrational fear of ravioli... I secretly wish I was Vietnamese... oh! and I hate babies!

Jenkins:
May I get you anything to drink?

Mr. Drake:
The tears of our enemies wrenched from their bodies as their bones are crushed.

Jenkins:
I have jasmine tea.

Mr. Drake:
Ooh, jasmine. Yes, please.

Eve Baird:
You pickpocketed The Apple?

Ezekiel Jones:
Yeah. Jenkins distracted him. Pretty neat.

Cassandra Cillian:
Are you evil?

Ezekiel Jones:
Nah, don't feel any different.

Jake Stone:
Are you immune? No. He's already...

Eve Baird:
The worst version of himself.

Ezekiel Jones:
You say that like it's a bad thing.

Cassandra Cillian:
Okay, so he's a dragon in a man costume?

Jenkins:
He is a lawyer.

Ezekiel Jones:
I never know what I'm doing. That's my superpower, mate.

Jake Stone:
You people... DON'T APPRECIATE ART!

Jenkins:
Excuse me, I'm going to take care of my desperately not wanting to be here.

Eve Baird:
Again? This is the third time this place has been attacked since I started working here. We need to have a serious talk about the so-called security.

Cassandra Cillian:
You heard me!

Ezekiel Jones:
Well, I did. What was that?

Cassandra Cillian:
Mosquito tone! It's a high pitched sound that only young people can hear. [to Stone and Jenkins] No offense.

Ezekiel Jones:
You're right. That was an optical illusion. That's what we call them in Australia, Colonel Baird. Oy, sun in my eyes, thought I saw a Colonel Baird

Mabel Collins:
Well, wow, you really don't expect me to buy that, do you?

Jake Stone:
I don't know, maybe.

Ezekiel Jones:
Well, it's actually worked before.

Eve Baird:
Minotaurs, Haunted houses, Santa Claus, yes, but UFOs, don't be silly.

Jenkins:
UFOs don't exist.

Ezekiel Jones:
Says the guy with a teleporting door.

Eve Baird:
[to LITS] It wasn't your fault. You did good, all of you, but sometimes, you just lose.

Mindy:
[cheering the school motto with the cheerleading team] Appareat! Diabolis! Ignius! ["The devil appears! Fire"]

Eve Baird:
Do I even want to know what they're cheering?

Cassandra Cillian:
No. You do not.

Flynn Carsen:
I'm offering you a life of mystery and misery, of loneliness and adventure. More than that, I'm offering you an opportunity to make a difference, to save the world every week, twice before Friday. Are you in?

Flynn Carsen:
You see the blue wire?

Eve Baird:
Yeah. [she begins to cut it]

Flynn Carsen:
Don't touch the blue wire.

Eve Baird:
GAH! [she recoils away from the blue wire] Start with "don't!" Start with "don't!"

Flynn Carsen:
An immortal magician from Shakespeare's plays has teamed up with a super villain genius that he's pulled from literature to take advantage of the fact that magic has returned to the world to restore his power and to accomplish some sort of unknowable and yet terrifying plot for world domination.

Eve Baird:
So, Tuesday, then?

Jenkins:
Just out of curiosity, what roles are you playing?

Eve Baird:
Well, I'm pretty sure Stone's The Huntsman.

Jake Stone:
And Cassandra is Prince Charming.

Cassandra Cillian:
Weirdly.

Jake Stone:
And Baird is a Princess.

Eve Baird:
Pffft! A princess? [high-pitched laugh] It's happening.

Jenkins:
It might be a troll.

Ezekiel Jones:
[Scoffs] A troll?

Jenkins:
-I understand your skepticism, Mr. Jones. Trolls are not indigenous to the Pacific Northwest, but with the return of magic to the world, all sorts of odd things are waking up.

Cassandra Cillian:
You think you are Death? I was 15, when they told me, that my death sits right here. So I see it! Every time I look in the mirror! Every day! EVERY! SINGLE! DAY!

Katie Bender:
Stop this! You can't! I'm the angel! I'm the angel of death!

Cassandra Cillian:
You're not the angel of death. I know what death looks like and she doesn't look like you. She looks like me!

Jake Stone:
What are our options, Jones?

Ezekiel Jones:
That this house is the Star Trek transporter or maybe even the TARDIS!

Katie Bender:
You're very weird librarians.

Eve Baird:
It's a very weird library.

Jenkins:
[to Baird] You know, Colonel, you have an incredible talent for turning a bad situation into a worse-case scenario.

Eve Baird:
Cassandra, please don't fangirl over the arch villain.

Eve Baird:
And you're willing to risk your life for him?

Ezekiel Jones:
I won't risk my life. But I assume I can outrun anything, so... I'm in.

Ezekiel Jones:
Any door? Like, say, a bank vault door? I'm asking for a mate.

Eve Baird:
It's not a suggestion. It's an order.

Cassandra Cillian:
And I'm not a soldier!

Eve Baird:
You're right. I am, but you're not. You're Librarians. Librarians win because of what they know. So what do you know?

Eve Baird:
[to Jenkins] I've gone into the field with experienced soldiers with a good plan, good Intel, and still come home with nothing but dog tags.

Jake Stone:
Where are you... where are you going?

Cassandra Cillian:
Lima, Peru.

Ezekiel Jones:
Good luck. Actually, I know a great little cafe in Lima... Amazing arroz tapado.

Jake Stone:
I've been meaning to visit Machu Picchu.

Ezekiel Jones:
I didn't know you liked wrestling.

Jake Stone:
That's not - You don't know what Machu Picchu is? How do you call yourself a librarian?

Ezekiel Jones:
I'm just as much of one as you. I have a book.

Jake Stone:
It's a pity book.

Flynn Carsen:
Did I not mention the mummies nor the medallions in my message to meet me at the monolith of Mut?

Eve Baird:
Nope. Next time, mummy memo.

Cassandra Cillian:
Quiet, I'm doing math.

Jenkins:
Really? Wild magic, cruel kings, mad wizards? Yes, it was a pip!

Dulaque:
The people need to be ruled by wisdom. The stupid, little humans need to be ruled by kings!

Jenkins:
No, no. They! Have! earned the right to rule themselves. The time of kings has passed!

Ezekiel Jones:
Hi, there. I'm a very important judge. Impress me.

Science Girl:
Oh. Oh, okay. The sea otter is generally adorable, but it is in fact, history's greatest monster. And if we don't take action immediately, they will take over the planet and destroy us all.

Ezekiel Jones:
Sorry, what?

Amy Meyer:
My wishes weren't about being smarter. They were about being normal. I mean, I didn't wanna be not smarter, I just didn't...

Cassandra Cillian:
Want it to be the only thing you were. You wanted another adjective.

Amy Meyer:
You're one of us.

Cassandra Cillian:
1st place, in?

Ezekiel Jones:
In the category of mathemagics.

Cassandra Cillian:
Mathemagics. I like it.

Amy Meyer:
I'm Amy Meyer. I've won every ribbon, every medal, every trophy that you've wanted since we were 5 years old. Do you really think I'm bluffing?

Flynn Carsen:
Hey, blood. Mine. It's crimson. I need to eat more calcium

Ezekiel Jones:
You know what I'm thinking?

Flynn Carsen:
That your forgeries are crap?

Ezekiel Jones:
No. I'm thinking that I can can run faster than you 'cause you've been stabbed.

Jenkins:
"I usually try to avoid playing this card, especially in the magic community, but - do you KNOW who I am?"

Ezekiel Jones:
Have I mentioned, I'm a world class thief?