The Life Aquatic with Steve Zissou

Steve Zissou:
Does this seem fake? [points gun at jane]

Steve Zissou:
I'm going to find it and I'm going to destroy it. I don't know how yet, maybe dynamite.

Steve Zissou:
Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go on an overnight drunk, and in 10 days I'm going to set out to find the shark that ate my friend and destroy it. Anyone who wants to join me is more than welcome.

Steve Zissou:
Nobody knows what's going to happen. And then we film it. That's the whole concept.

Steve Zissou:
You really think it's cool for you to hit the sauce with a bun in the oven?

Steve Zissou:
[to Ogata and Pele] What are you doing? Go to bed, you sons of b*tches!

Steve Zissou:
Son of a b*tch, I'm sick of these dolphins.

Steve Zissou:
Supposedly Cousteau and his cronies invented the idea of putting walkie-talkies into the helmet. But we made ours with a special rabbit ear on the top so we could pipe in some music.

Steve Zissou:
You know, I'd be jealous about you staying at Ali's place, except I always thought he was kind of a closet queer.

Steve Zissou:
That pregnant slut is playing us like a cheap fiddle!

Steve Zissou:
Are you finding what you were looking for... out here with me? I hope so.

Steve Zissou:
Oseary, this is probably my son Ned. We just met.

Steve Zissou:
Just do what you gotta do to cover your ass, Bill.

Steve Zissou:
You hung us out to dry. If we don't handle this right, we're gonna all get murdered. Including her unborn British child.

Steve Zissou:
Don't point that gun at him, he's an unpaid intern.

Steve Zissou:
Tell them if they don't get off my boat right now... there's gonna be a major sh*t-storm.

Steve Zissou:
Be cool on this sh*t, okay, cubbie? I mean, at least try to show both sides.

Steve Zissou:
I said get your ass the hell off of my boat!

Steve Zissou:
I've never seen a bond company stooge stick his neck out like that.

Steve Zissou:
The Arctic Night-lights. Yeah. "As if the natural world's been turned upside down." Lord Mandrake. Vikram, get some cutaways of this miracle. Klaus, Ogata, put out the deck fires before we sink.

Steve Zissou:
Those f***ing amateurs. You left your dog, you idiots!

Steve Zissou:
Go downstairs and throw a tarp over anything that says "Operation Henessey" on it.

Steve Zissou:
The first thing that goes through a captain's head when he hears there's low morale goin' around is: "What'd I do? Is it all my fault? "Well, he's probably right. Most of us have been together a long time. There are others that were here before that. Do you all not like me anymore? I mean, what am I supposed to do? I don't know. Look, if you're not against me... don't cross this line. If yes, do. I love you all.

Steve Zissou:
I mean, I know I want him to think of me like a father. But the fact that there's an outside chance that he could really be my actual... biological son... is very difficult for me.

Steve Zissou:
It's probably the last adventure I've got in me. I was hopin' to go out in a flash of blazes, but I'll probably just end up goin' home.

Steve Zissou:
Oh, sh*t! Swamp leeches. Everybody, check for swamp leeches, and pull them off... Nobody else got hit? I'm the only one? What's the deal?

Steve Zissou:
What a shame. They had a bartender here, Kino, made the best rum cannonball I've ever tasted.

Steve Zissou:
We'll give them the reality this time. A washed-up old man with no friends, no distribution deal, wife on the rocks, people laughin' at him, feelin' sorry for himself.

Steve Zissou:
Wolodarsky, go get the keys to that fishing boat, and throw them in the water. No, wait. They might have another set. Just blow it up.

Steve Zissou:
I'm about to blow my stack. I turn my back, and the bullshit begins. Ned, you're a scumbag. And, Jane, you're a goddamn liar.

Steve Zissou:
I'm sorry I never acknowledged your existence all those years. It won't happen again. I mean it. You are my son to me. Almost more so.

Steve Zissou:
Give me that camera. I'm gonna smash it over your head. Cut!

Steve Zissou:
This is the first time Eleanor's ever cried in front of me as long as I've known her. Except for once when she got her arm caught in the deck winch.

Steve Zissou:
Well, I was a little embarrassed at first. Obviously people are gonna think I'm a showboat and a little bit of a prick. But then I realized... that's me. I said those things. I did those things. I can live with that.

Steve Zissou:
[referring to the shark that ate his friend, Esteban] I wonder if it remembers me.

Steve Zissou:
We complete the adventure, but another member of our crew has been lost. This one was my son. Also our equity partner. We start the voyage home in our wounded vessel.

Steve Zissou:
This is an adventure.

Alistair Hennessy:
[while playing poker with pirates] Steven. Are you rescuing me? [Steve shrugs awkwardly] Fold. [Alistair is shot by one of the pirates]

Alistair Hennessy:
They made soup out of my research turtles.

Alistair Hennessy:
We've never made great husbands, have we? Of course, I have a good excuse. I'm part gay.

Alistair Hennessy:
Is that one of mine? I think one of my research turtles survived.

Alistair Hennessy:
What's your dog's name? [Zissou pauses and answers "Cody". Alistair walks over to the three-legged dog, smacks it sharply on the face with his rolled up newspaper] Be still, Cody.

Klaus Daimler:
Where are you coming from, jack off? Sh*t.

Klaus Daimler:
Who the sh*t is Kingsley Zissou?

Klaus Daimler:
Thanks. Thanks a lot for not picking me.

Klaus Daimler:
I hear what you're saying, but I think you misjudge the guy.

Klaus Daimler:
Land ho! Port-au-Patois dead ahead! Port-au-Patois! Port-au-Patois! Ho! Ho! Ho! Land ho! Ho!

Klaus Daimler:
Psst! There's something in the coat check.

Klaus Daimler:
Not if I don't see you first, sonny...

Ned Plimpton:
I've never seen so many electric jellyfish in all my life!

Ned Plimpton:
I ought to have stayed in Kentucky where I belong.

Ned Plimpton:
I still wish I could breathe underwater.

Ned Plimpton:
If you ever touch me again I will kick your goddamn teeth out.

Ned Plimpton:
I'm gonna fight you, Steve!

Bill Ubell:
Captain, I am required by law to notify the bank of any illegal activities...

Bill Ubell:
Bill Ubell here. I'm on a pay phone. I am still blindfolded. My arms are bound. But a young boy has been kind enough to assist me. There's not much chance I'll get another opportunity to call... so I thought I would ask if- What? No.

Bill Ubell:
We f***in' stole it, man

Bill Ubell:
I'm also a human being.

Jane Winslet-Richardson:
I need to find a baby for this father.

Jane Winslet-Richardson:
Actually, I was sort of terrified about having this baby. And right now I'm not really scared of anything. Maybe it's my hormones.

Oseary Drakoulias:
Bloody hell. God save that poor little stooge.

Oseary Drakoulias:
Oh, we were like glory's gate, my darling. We were like that bloody shark of yours. We swam with the, um, uh - Oh, goddamn it. I had it on the plane. What was I gonna say? Ah, well.

Oseary Drakoulias:
Tell me. Who knocked up the reporter?

Steve:
Encounter with highly abnormal sharklike fish! Ten meters in length, unfamiliar dorsal features, spots all over it! I shot it dorsally with a homing dart! Esteban was eaten! Check the scanning monitor! Start tracking before it dives too deep!

Klaus:
Esteban was bitten?

Steve:
Eaten!

Klaus:
Is he dead?

Steve:
Esteban was eaten!

Klaus:
He was swallowed whole?

Steve:
No! Chewed!

Festival Director:
That's an endangered species at most. What would be the scientific purpose of killing it?

Steve:
Revenge.

Antonia Cook:
You must be so excited.

Steve:
I hope so. You think it went OK?

Antonia Cook:
No. Congratulations... Seriously.

Steve:
Thanks. I wish it didn't require the "seriously," but thank you.

Alistair:
How are things going with your - what are you calling it? Leopard fish?

Steve:
Jaguar shark.

Alistair:
Jaguar shark! So tell me - does it really exist?

Steve:
You know, Allie, I don't want to give away the ending.

Alistair:
You're the most ravishing creature that I've ever seen in my life.

Eleanor:
Hello Skinny.

Alistair:
Hello Eleanor.

Eleanor:
Is that a new merit badge?

Alistair:
Oh, yeah, as a matter of fact it is. I just became a Knight in Portugal, the Presidente gave a special ball...

Steve:
Don't be nice to Ali, he's my nemesis.

Steve:
[referring to Hennessy] How could you lay that slick f*ggot?

Eleanor:
Well, I was in love with him at the time...

Steve:
We were pretty good while we lasted, weren't we?

Oseary Drakoulias:
Oh, we were like glory's gate, my darling. We were like that bloody shark of yours, we swam with the... oh, damn it, I had it on the plane.

Oseary Drakoulias:
You must swear, legally swear that you will not kill that shark, or whatever it is, if it actually exists.

Steve:
I'm going to fight it, but I'll let it live. What about my dynamite?

Oseary Drakoulias:
[to assistant] Phillip, dynamite.

Ned:
Captain Zissou my name is Ned Plimpton...

Steve:
OK, Man.

Steve:
You're supposed to be my son, right?

Ned:
I don't know. But I did want to meet you, just in case.

Ned:
Why didn't you ever try to contact me?

Steve:
Because I hate fathers, and I never wanted to be one.

Steve:
People say that when someone says something like that, it's because they're jealous. But it still hurts. It hurts bad.

Ned:
That man was damn rude. He can go straight to hell.

Eleanor:
Your cat's dead.

Steve:
What? Which one?

Eleanor:
Marmalade. I'm sorry.

Steve:
What happened?

Eleanor:
A rattlesnake bit it in the throat.

Steve:
Goddamn it, Eleanor, why do you have to say it like that? You couldn't try to break it a little bit nicer?

Steve:
She's a rich b*tch, you know. She was raised by maids. Her parents paid for this island and two of my worst movies. People say she's the brains behind Team Zissou.

Ned:
People say a lot of things. What kind of cat was it?

Steve:
Who gives a sh*t?

Steve:
I think it was a tabby.

Klaus:
So, you really think you're a Zissou.

Ned:
I don't know.

Klaus:
Well, you traveled a long way for "I don't know," sonny.

Ned:
That's true. But it's important to me.

Klaus:
Yeah? Well, there are a lot of things that are important to some people around here, sonny.

Ned:
Klaus, don't call me "sonny."

Klaus:
And one more thing: It's the Steve Zissou show, not the Ned show. [slaps Ned in the face] You hear me?

Ned:
Yes, I do. Klaus?

Klaus:
Ja?

Ned:
If you ever touch me again, I will kick your goddamn teeth out. Is that understood?

Klaus:
Not if I don't see you first, sonny.

Ned:
When'd you first hear about me?

Steve:
About five years ago. I read it in an article about myself.

Ned:
Did you believe it?

Steve:
It was in the paper. I assumed they checked their facts.

Steve:
I dunno, I think that bull-dyke reporter is gonna burn us.

Ned:
I don't think she's a lesbian, Dad. She's pregnant.

Steve:
Bull dykes can get pregnant. Anyway, I'd back out now, but we need the press.

Steve:
Where'd you come from? You look pregnant.

Jane:
I am pregnant. I'm not even going to ask what you men are doing out here in your matching pajamas, by the way.

Steve:
Can you hear the Jack Whales singing?

Ned:
[Tanker goes off] Beautiful. I wonder what they're saying.

Steve:
Well actually that's a Sludge Tanker over there... [Several whales sing] There you go!

Jane:
You're too old for me, Steve.

Steve:
Yeah, well, you're pregnant.

Steve:
Hey intern, get me a Campari.

Intern #1:
On the rocks?

Jane:
I need to find a baby for this father.

Steve:
Yeah, I think I know what you mean.

Jane:
I'm going to have to start locking my effing door.

Steve:
It was locked, I kicked it in. Why don't you just curse like other people?

Jane:
Because I'm trying to get out of the habit before I have my f***ing baby!

Anne-Marie:
Uh, what is this, Pele?

Pele:
I don't know. Uh, the map?

Vladimir Wolodarsky:
[talking about Jane] I like her hairdo.

Pelé dos Santos:
Me too, but Steve called her first.

Ned:
Who locked us out?

Anne-Marie:
No-one, we're trespassing.

Ned:
Steve, are we allowed in here?

Steve:
It's a scientific community, man.

Vladimir Wolodarsky:
Steve, one of the interns just fell down the stairs with the main tracking processor.

Steve:
All right, just make sure we steal the backup.

Alistair:
Apparently some crooked f***ers broke into my sea lab yesterday.

Crew member:
How awful. Did they nick anything?

Alistair:
It doesn't say. They probably just trashed the place. I'm so pissed I wanna spit. Hugo - tell Carl to load my elephant gun with buckshot. We're gonna hunt down these sickos.

Jane:
How do you feel about part one of your new film?

Steve:
Why? How do you feel about part one of my new film?

Jane:
Well, I'm honest, so -

Steve:
Just say it.

Jane:
I thought aspects of it seemed slightly fake.

Steve:
Did it seem fake when my best friend was bitten in half right in front of me then eaten alive, screaming? I think you're a fake. And I think you're a phony, and a bad reporter. How does that feel? Now tell me something. [Steve points his gun at her] Does this seem fake?

Steve:
[handing Ned a gun] Here.

Ned:
Oh, no, no, no.

Steve:
No exceptions. Everyone gets one. Anne-Marie! Do the interns get glocks?

Anne-Marie:
No. They all share one.

Anne-Marie:
Do you know that you just charted us on a course through unprotected waters?

Steve:
Yeah, we're taking the shortcut.

Anne-Marie:
But it's outside I.M.U. jurisdiction. There isn't any protection.

Steve:
I know, honey. Look at the map. We go your way, that's about four inches. We go my way, it's an inch and a half. You wanna pay for the extra gas?

Steve:
I hope you're not gonna bust our chops on this on, Bill.

Bill Ubell:
Why would I do that?

Steve:
Because you're a bond company stooge.

Bill Ubell:
[scoffs] I'm also a human being.

Steve:
All right, I take that back. How about a little teamsmanship?

Ned:
What happened to Jacqueline?

Steve:
She didn't really love me.

Steve:
Are you sure?

Klaus:
Yes, I am.

Steve:
I don't understand. Why?

Klaus:
What do you mean?... Wait a second. What are we doing? You said cross the line if.

Steve:
Cross the line if you're going to quit.

Klaus:
Oh... Do it again. I misunderstood.

Oseary Drakoulias:
[on a speaker phone] I spoke with Larry Amin, and it's a pass.

Steve:
In other words, you f***ed us!

Oseary Drakoulias:
Let's not cast stones at one another, my dear. Do you hear me, damn it? Do you?

Steve:
No, I don't! I told you how to play it!

Oseary Drakoulias:
Oh, bloody hell! You listen here, mate!

Ned:
Can I interrupt for a second?

Oseary Drakoulias:
Who the blazes is that?

Ned:
It's me, Ned. Maybe this is nothing, maybe it's something. I don't know what your problems are, I don't know... but I just inherited $275,000. Would that amount make any difference?

[silence]

Oseary Drakoulias:
What sort of expression is the lad wearing on his face?

Ned:
Stevesy, what's happenin'? Are those hijackers?

Steve:
Well, we call them pirates out here, Ned. You were supposed to be on watch, by the way.

Jane:
Steve, it's way safer for us to just do what they say. They probably just want our money and jewels and sh*t.

Steve:
Yeah. Then how am I gonna finish my movie then?

Bill:
Do you have a vault? They want to know if there's a vault.

Steve:
There's no vault.

Steve:
[narrating a scene of a documentary being watched by the pirates] Our vault contains at least ten different currencies from all over the world at any given moment, and we are prepared for every kind of financial necessity.

Steve:
[seeing pirates with the vault] There goes Ned's inheritance.

Steve:
Ned, how many fingers am I holdin' up?

Ned:
I don't know. That's not my job. Too many to tell. How many fingers-

Steve:
He's gonna be just fine.

Steve:
Look, if you're not against me... don't cross this line. If yes, do. I love you all.

Steve:
[Klaus steps forward] Are you sure?

Klaus:
Yes, I am.

Steve:
I don't understand. Why?

Klaus:
What do you mean? Wait a second. What are we doing? You said cross the line if-

Steve:
Cross the line if you're going to quit.

Klaus:
Oh. Do it again. I misunderstood.

Steve:
That was all off the record, cubbie. That whole deal. Actually, I'm surprised you didn't cross the line yourself.

Jane:
What line?

Steve:
The line I drew on the deck just now. You weren't up there?

Jane:
No.

Steve:
You're kidding. That was one of the most dramatic things that's ever happened on this boat. I just lost all my best interns. I thought you were supposed to be covering this story.

Jane:
You just said it was all off the record.

Steve:
Yeah, but you didn't know that.

Steve:
Wait a second. They stole my budget, my boat's broken, you're ditchin' me up the creek. What am I supposed to do here?

Oseary Drakoulias:
Well, I must say, nothing's jumping to mind. Phillip, any suggestions? No, he's shaking his head.

Steve:
[to interns] No. I can't give you full credit, but I'm not gonna flunk you either. You're all getting incompletes.

Intern:
This is bullshit.

Eleanor:
Oh, sh*t. What do you want?

Steve:
Do you mind if I butter you up a little before I answer that question?

Eleanor:
Yes, I do. Tell me now.

Steve:
I need some money to get the boat out of hock and rescue my bond company stooge who got kidnapped. Could we ask your parents to loan it to me?

Eleanor:
No.

Steve:
Okay. Could I go ahead and butter you up anyway? It took me two and a half hours to get out here.

Steve:
You know I'm not big on apologizing. So I'll just skip it if it's all the same to you.

Eleanor:
Okay.

Steve:
Anyway, I'm sorry.

Steve:
You were probably right all along. We should've had a kid together. Of course... you were kind of already... on the edge of bein' too old. Unless maybe that's a cop-out.

Eleanor:
It's worse than a cop-out. I was thirty-four.

Steve:
What are you doin' here? I thought all you interns ran out on me.

Intern:
I want to help you find that shark.

Steve:
Goddamn it. Thank ya, intern. You're gettin' an "A."

Ned:
You don't know me. You never wanted to know me. I'm just a character in your film.

Steve:
It's a documentary. It's all really happening.

Ned:
Well, damn you for that.

Ned:
I'm gonna fight you, Steve.

[Steve hits Ned in the face]

Steve:
You never say, "I'm gonna fight you, Steve." You just smile and act natural, and then you sucker-punch him.

Ned :
You fight your way, and I'll fight mine.

Steve:
Oh, listen, Ned. Don't you try to...

[Ned hits Steve in the face]

Steve:
I think your Team Zissou ring might've caught me on the lip.

Steve:
We'll split into two groups. I'll take Ned, Ogata, and Wolodarsky.

Klaus:
Thanks. Thanks a lot for not picking me.

Steve:
We're in the middle of a lighning strike rescue op, Klaus. What's the deal?

Klaus:
I'm sick of being on "B" squad.

Steve:
You might be on "B" Squad, But you're the "B" Squad leader. Don't you know me and Esteban always thought of you as our baby brother?

Klaus:
I've always thought of you two as my dads. Please don't let any one make fun of me for saying so.

Steve:
I can't guarantee that, Klausie, but I'll try. Can we get on with the maneuvers now?

Bill Ubell:
[as Steve raises his spear gun] No. Captain. That's Cedric. He's a friend.

Steve:
Merci, Cedric. Remind me, we'll send him a red cap and a Speedo.

Klaus:
Thank you for putting me on the flag, Ned.

Ned:
Of course, Klaus. It was my pleasure.

Klaus:
Yeah, but you stitched me onto the dolphin, and I want you to know how much that means to me.

Ned:
Well, I'm very pleased you liked it.

Klaus:
Y-You're not listening. I didn't just like it. [Klaus salutes Ned] You understand?

Ned:
Yes, I do. [Ned salutes in return] Thank you, Klaus.

Alistair:
Is this my espresso machine? Wh-what is - h-how did you get my espresso machine?

Bill Ubell:
Well... uh... we f***in' stole it, man.

Jane:
In twelve years he'll be eleven and a half.

Steve:
That was my favorite age.

Jane:
Are we-are we safe in here?

Steve:
I doubt it.