The Magical Legend of the Leprechauns

Sean Devine:
Work is the death of freedom as we know it.

Jack Woods:
You're - you're...

Seamus Muldoon:
A Leprechaun. Wet Leprechaun. Leader of the Kerry Leprechauns. Seamus Maldoon, at your wet service.

Mary Muldoon:
[invisible] What in the Grand Banshee's name do you think you're doing?

Seamus Muldoon:
What's it look like; I'm talking to the man.

Mary Muldoon:
Are you mad, as well as stupid?

Seamus Muldoon:
I have to! He saved me!

Mary Muldoon:
He *saved* you?

Seamus Muldoon:
Gallantly, I have to say. And not at all for himself.

[Jack stumbles outside]

Mary Muldoon:
[appears inside] You were drunk!

Seamus Muldoon:
Of *course* I was drunk... I hate water!

Jack Woods:
[cut to outside] Just calm down, Jack. Get - a grip. It's just jetlag.

Mary Muldoon:
[cut to inside] And you *let* him save you?

Seamus Muldoon:
I didn't ask him, Mary, he just did it!

Mary Muldoon:
That's no excuse! You could have had the decency to drown!

Jack Woods:
[outside]... hangover... bump on the head... You're fine.

Mary Muldoon:
I'm Mary Maldoon...

Jack Woods:
Oh, give me a break!

[turns, sees Leprechauns]

Mary Muldoon:
...Seamus' wife for my sins. Of which there must have been hundreds to have such a terrible fate!

Seamus Muldoon:
They say that married men live longer than single ones. It only *seems* like that.

Sean Devine:
[He is dying, dispappearing up to his waist] Look - I'm only half the man I was!

Seamus Muldoon:
[glancing at Jack's photo of Kathleen] Ah, isn't she a magnificent woman?

Mary Muldoon:
She's pretty enough - in an ugly, human kind of a way. They'd make a fine couple.

[they laugh]

Jack Woods:
OK, OK, *thank* you...

Jericho O'Grady:
[the Leprechauns are trapped by the palace balcony, persued by Fairies] What do we do now?

Sean Devine:
[sarcastically] Try to remember how to fly.

[turns, sees Mickey floating in mid-air]

Sean Devine:
Mickey!

Mickey Muldoon:
I... I dunno how I'm doing it.

Sean Devine:
I hate to be the one to tell you this, Mickey lad, but you're in love.

Mickey Muldoon:
[vaguely] Really?

Sean Devine:
Well, that's the sign.

Mickey Muldoon:
Is that a fact?

Sean Devine:
[the Fairies are approaching] Grab him before he comes to his senses!

Mickey Muldoon:
[dreamily] I met this girl... Princess Jessica.

Seamus Muldoon:
Princess Jessica - King Boric's daughter!

Mickey Muldoon:
Oh, she's an angel, with the face!

Seamus Muldoon:
Oh, no, no, no, no, no - listen - You leave her be! I don't want that sort of trouble! Mary Maldoon, this is your fault! Jack - will you tell him to listen to his father?

Jack Woods:
Why? I never did.

Seamus Muldoon:
Neither did I; that's not point!

Mary Muldoon:
So he's told you, has he? You're his father, speak to him!

Seamus Muldoon:
Mickey Maldoon, you listen to me: You stay away from that girl, or I'll disown you!

Mickey Muldoon:
How can you disown me; you don't own anything.

Mary Muldoon:
Don't speak to your father like that!

Mickey Muldoon:
What, you do!

Jack Woods:
That's expected - I'm his wife! And don't speak to *me* like that!

Seamus Muldoon:
Yes, don't speak to her like that!

Mickey Muldoon:
Well, who'm I expected to speak to like that, then?

Seamus Muldoon:
Now you're speaking to me like that.

Mickey Muldoon:
But she started speaking to *me* like that...

[fade]

Bert Bagnell:
The race will be one circle to the track, to that there flag! And try not to cheat too much!

Jack Woods:
[Seamus and Mickey appear in his buggy while he's racing] What're you doing here?

Seamus Muldoon:
We thought you might like a hand.

Mickey Muldoon:
Oh, don't worry, Mr. Woods, the old Leprechaun magic'll do the tirck.

Jack Woods:
Great! Tell me what to do! [beat]

Seamus Muldoon:
Get closer to the others!

Jack Woods:
Got a father who runs a cab company, got a mother who runs my father.

Queen Morag:
Don't be such a drama Fairy, Chamberlain.

Jack Woods:
I'm sorry, Kathleen, but I'm leaving on the evening train.

Kathleen Fitzpatrick:
This evening?

George Fitzpatrck:
Good riddance.

Kathleen Fitzpatrick:
George?... Could you go, please?

John Fitzpatrick:
You going somewhere, George; can I go with you?

George Fitzpatrck:
Not me, him.

John Fitzpatrick:
I don't wanna go with him.

George Fitzpatrck:
No one asked you!

Bert Bagnell:
[immediately after Jack hits his head on a rafter] Mind the beam.

Jack Woods:
Oh, boy, this house was built for little people.

Bert Bagnell:
Uh, no, it's not! Not at all!

Mary Muldoon:
[to Jack] You're soaking wet. I'll get you a towel.

Seamus Muldoon:
Hey, what about me?

Mary Muldoon:
*You* can get pneumonia!

Mary Muldoon:
Where are you going?

Mickey Muldoon:
Oh, just to do some mischief.

Mary Muldoon:
That's all right, then.

Sean Devine:
I was looking out for Count Grogan.

Barney O'Grady:
May his Fairy bones rot!

Sean Devine:
I thought I could drop on him all quiet-like, you know, for a little flattering.

Barney O'Grady:
I'll flatter him, quiet or not!

Sean Devine:
Your brother talks a good fight, Jericho.

Jericho O'Grady:
If *talking* was all it took, he'd be Heavyweight Champion of all Ireland!

Seamus Muldoon:
That's a very energetic way of doing the weeding, Jack.

Jack Woods:
Seamus. I'm not gardening, I'm practicing my swing.

Seamus Muldoon:
Your swing?

Jack Woods:
Yeah. Yeah, my golf swing. You know, this whole area, this'd make a perfect golf course, don't you think?

Seamus Muldoon:
No doubt, no doubt about it... I don't have the slightest idea what you're talking about.

[Micky kisses Princess Jessica]

Princess Jessica:
[Gasps] How dare you?

Mickey Muldoon:
Oh, I dare, Princess Jessica; I dare!

Princess Jessica:
Come back here at once, and apologize!

Mickey Muldoon:
Oh, you must be joking! Well, you'll have to catch me first! And no flying!

Princess Jessica:
You think a Princess can't run?

Mickey Muldoon:
...NO!

[she chases him up the stairs]

[Mickey cuts in on a dance between Princess Jessica and another fairy]

Princess Jessica:
Hello!

[pause]

Princess Jessica:
And what are you staring at?

Mickey Muldoon:
The fairest beauty that ever stood before the eyes of a man since Helen danced her willing way on the wondering walls of Troy!

Princess Jessica:
It's only a gift of words that you shower me, but I have to say that they shine!

Mickey Muldoon:
Oh you shine, Princess Mine, you shine!

Jack Woods:
[of the berries on a bush] Are these things clean?

Kathleen Fitzpatrick:
Yeah, oh yeah, they're clean... Poisonious, but clean.

Jack Woods:
That's very funny, I'm just not used to eating anything without an experation date.

Kathleen Fitzpatrick:
Oh, go on, Jack! Why don't you take a walk on the wild side!

Jack Woods:
[throws a berry up in the air and catches it with his mouth, making Kathleen laugh] Those are good!

Kathleen Fitzpatrick:
Yeah...

Jack Woods:
Those are really good. It's better than in the store. [shoves more berries in his mouth]

Mickey Muldoon:
Come away with me.

Princess Jessica:
I can't!

Mickey Muldoon:
We can do anything!

[they kiss]

Jericho O'Grady:
[sees his brother bound by a pair of Fairies outside the bar he was gaurding] Aw, Barney!

Barney O'Grady:
Don't worry, lads. I've got them where I want them.

Count Grogan:
[flies in] Ah, Maldoon. What a coincidence finding you here.

Mickey Muldoon:
I don't want any trouble, Grogan. Let Barney go.

Count Grogan:
You might not *want* trouble, but that's what you've got. [Mickey flips over him but he follows suit to stand in front of him again] You don't get away that easy.

Mickey Muldoon:
I'm not fighting.

Count Grogan:
Oh, you'll fight. Or your young friend here has done his last spell of gaurding.

Sean Devine:
Is that a fact? Well, I'm happy to oblige you.

Jericho O'Grady:
And so am I.

Count Grogan:
My fight is with Maldoon here.

Sean Devine:
Ah, well. As much as it grieves me to watch another Leprechaun have all the fun. [handing him a spear] Go for it, Mickey me boy. Little Maurice here is begging for it.

Count Grogan:
DON'T call me Maurice!

Sean Devine:
Oh, well then, I won't. Maurice.

Jericho O'Grady:
[laughing] And niether will I - Maurice!

Barney O'Grady:
Maurice, Maurice, Maurice!

Sean Devine:
Give him a taste of Leprechaun justice, Mickey me lad.

Mickey Muldoon:
I'm not fighting, Seanie. [to Grogan] Let him go. [he tries to walk off but Sean stops him]

Sean Devine:
That girl has unmanned you.

Count Grogan:
He's a yellow-belly. He was coward's legs, like all Leprechauns.

Sean Devine:
That's it. Enough's enough. No more Mr. Nice Leprechaun. Oh, I'll show you coward's legs. *And* arms.

Mickey Muldoon:
Don't do it; it's what he wants!

Sean Devine:
Well, there's the thing. It's what I want, too! [he draws his spear and Grogan's appears in his hand]

Barney O'Grady:
If you need any help, Sean, I'm right here for ya.

Sean Devine:
Good man. [they fight]

Mickey Muldoon:
It's Count Grogan, the first of the fairy fools.

Count Grogan:
Muck on, Mickey Muldoon. You and that hairy mistake Sean Devine make a fine raggedy-arsed pair. Clear the path. You're the polluting the grass.

Mickey Muldoon:
And what if we don't?

Count Grogan:
Then I'll have to make you.

Sean Devine:
You and which particular thousand Trooping Fairies might that be? I'll flatten you without raising a sweat.

Count Grogan:
Oh, we're all trembling before Sean Devine... a powerful man with a powerful set of eyebrows.

Jericho O'Grady:
Oh, dear, oh, dear.

Mickey Muldoon:
You look so lovely in the moonlight.

Princess Jessica:
Take off your mask.

Mickey Muldoon:
Uh, that-that's not a good idea.

Princess Jessica:
Are you frightened?

Mickey Muldoon:
Yes... uh, no. Um...

Princess Jessica:
Then do it.

Mickey Muldoon:
For your sake only.

Princess Jessica:
I'll turn away.

[Mickey removes his leprechaun mask and Jessica sees his face]

Princess Jessica:
But you're a Leprechaun. A real one.

Mickey Muldoon:
I am.

Princess Jessica:
But Leprechauns are all vile and villainous, and vulgar!

Mickey Muldoon:
Well, Trooping Fairies are all sneering, snobbish and selfish!

Princess Jessica:
That is not true! We're *not* like that.

Mickey Muldoon:
[growing amused] And we're not all vile and villainous. Now vulgar, maybe. That's fair enough, I can't argue there...

Princess Jessica:
But you're still a Leprechaun.

Mickey Muldoon:
And you... you're still a Trooping Fairy. Does it make any difference?

Princess Jessica:
No.

[Mickey takes Jessica's hand and kisses it]