The Man Who Knew Too Little

Wallace:
Sorry I get a little bit insensitive, but I'm a hitman!

Wallace:
[Wallace is being shot at] Time out! Time out! I got something in my eye, jagoff!

Lorelei 'Lori':
What are you? C.I.A., Mafia?

Wallace:
Both.

Wallace:
Blockbuster... Des Moines.

Wallace:
Please don't call me by my real name, it destroys the reality I'm trying to create.

Lorelei 'Lori':
Are you going to bring me that martini, or do I have to suck it out of the glass from here?

Hawkins:
Spencer, did you flush?

Wallace:
I think she's gonna do that, don't you, pal? I'll ask her. Lori!

Hawkins:
[Quietly to Daggenhurst] He's talking to her!

Sir Roger Daggenhurst:
She's still in the bowl?

Hawkins:
Maybe he tried to flush her, but she floated back up!

Sir Roger Daggenhurst:
Tell him to flush her! Spencer knows how to deal with floaters.

Wallace:
Stay away from that phone! [shoots phone]

Sir Roger Daggenhurst:
What are you doing with one of our communicators, Cochran?

Chief Insp. Cockburn:
This man refused to provide me with any identification.

Sir Roger Daggenhurst:
Of course he didn't provide you with any identification. He's a secret agent.

Wallace:
[a constable asks Wallace to see his license after a high speed chase] No, you may not! But I do have this nifty communicator with which you can speak directly to my superiors.

Wallace:
[On the communicator/cigarette case] Breaker, breaker, come on back to that big ol' HQ, come on back to me.

Sir Roger Daggenhurst:
Who is this?

Wallace:
This is Spencer.

Sir Roger Daggenhurst:
So you're still using that name, are you?

Wallace:
Well, I figured I would until 11:30.

Sir Roger Daggenhurst:
[to his assistant] How he mocks us.

Wallace:
She told me about the letters.

Gilbert Embleton:
Letters? What letters?

Wallace:
The letters. She told me about them. I know all about the letters. How do you think I know? She told me. That's how I found out.

Wallace:
Yo matey, you just stabbed me with your pen.

Wallace:
[in a singsong voice] Gilbert's gone.

James Ritchie:
[about Wallace] I never knew someone could forgot so much without a severe blow to the head.

Sergei:
Why so gloomy? Is better than being butcher.

Boris 'The Butcher' Blavasky:
I like being butcher. You know exactly who you are killing. And why. [c*cks the gun]

Lorelei 'Lori':
You know, for half a second back there I thought I saw a real human being.

Wallace:
Nobody asked me to be a human being.

Police Constable Cochrane:
So what's the pay like then?

Wallace:
They pay all your expenses, you're licensed to kill, but there's a down side.

Police Constable Cochrane:
What's that?

Wallace:
Torture.

Police Constable Cochrane:
There's the women, though.

Wallace:
Well, they're nice after the torture. Believe me.

Police Constable Cochrane:
Not much of a car they've given you though, is it?

Wallace:
Oh, it's a piece of crap! They've got an Aston Martin... had trouble with the surface-to-air missiles, so it's in the shop.

Wallace:
Ah.

James Ritchie:
Am I talking to an actor now, or a human being?

Chief Insp. Cockburn:
Neither sir, I'm a policeman.

Stage Manager:
Excuse me, no pass, no entry.

Boris 'The Butcher' Blavasky:
I'm looking for a tall American.

Stage Manager:
Aren't we all, dear, but we've got a show to put on, in case you didn't notice.

[last lines]

Wallace:
Is this working? Are you liking it?

Wallace:
Was that a tear? How do you people do it? Do you poke yourself in the eye? Or are you thinking right now "My dog is dead"?

Lorelei 'Lori':
What's the matter with you? Are you enjoying this?

Wallace:
Enormously! "My dog... is dead".

Sergei:
[to Daggenhurst] If we cannot trust each other, how can we bring back Cold War together?

Wallace:
[after FINALLY clearing Customs] Which door's England?

Immigration Officer:
How long will you be staying in this country, sir?

Wallace:
That's a very good question.

Immigration Officer:
Yes, I thought so, too.

Wallace:

"Everyone knows it was the Canadians who invented AIDS, but they also invested maple syrup, so I suppose that makes up for it."