The Master of Disguise

[From trailer]

Devlin Bowman:
I think it's time for you to go.

Pistachio Disguisey:
[Making talking gesture with hand]This is what you're doing... [Closes hand] this is what I want you to do.

Devlin Bowman:
Did you just tell me to shut up?

Pistachio Disguisey:
Yes.

Pistachio Disguisey:
Am I not turtley enough for the turtle club. Turtle, turtle, turtle!

[From the trailer]

Pistachio Disguisey:
[to a snake]Come get the cheese, buttercup.

Pistachio Disguisey:
[as President Bush] The folks around here call me "Dub-ya". Hoo ya!

Jennifer:
Love Cake?

Pistachio Disguisey:
What?

Jennifer:
You said "Love Cake"!

Pistachio Disguisey:
Why would I say that? Your hindquarters are hideously scrawny!

Jennifer:
What?

Pistachio Disguisey:
What I was trying to say is that I have a present for Barney. [hands her knee pads]

Pistachio Disguisey:
Tell him they are from his dad... da da da dat Italian guy... Me.

[after reading a chapter about finding Mama and Papa in the pop-up book]

Pistachio Disguisey:
That's one specific farmer.

Pistachio Disguisey:
It's so crazy, it just might work!

Grandfather Disguisey:
[walks outside after hearing crash] Ahh you're too young for the job. Go home and ask your mommy to change you're diaper.

Barney Baker:
I don't wear a diaper.

Grandfather Disguisey:
[laughs] Hey Pistachio! There's a talking baby out here!

Pistachio Disguisey:
I want to see the talking baby coochy coochy coo! Brave Barney Baker nice to see you again!

Grandfather Disguisey:
You know this baby?

Pistachio Disguisey:
Yes, yes of course I do!

Barney Baker:
Actually I was potty trained when I was two.

Pistachio Disguisey:
Yes you are the conductor of the potty train!

Grandfather Disguisey:
When you were on the roof, did you hear something like this? [Slaps Pistachio]

Pistachio Disguisey:
Yes exactly that! But without the pain on my face. We have a clue!

Grandfather Disguisey:
Did you ask Jeeves?

Pistachio Disguisey:
Yes but no such luck.

Grandfather Disguisey:
When you were on the roof... did you hear something like this? [Slaps Pistachio]

Pistachio Disguisey:
Yes exactly that. But without the pain on my face. We have a clue!

Texas Man:
Am I going too fast for you?

Pistachio Disguisey:
[Mocking Texas Man] Am I going too fast for you?

Texas Wife:
Are you mocking my husband?

Pistachio Disguisey:
[Mocking Texas Wife] Are you mocking my husband?

Texas Wife:
'Cause you better not be!

Pistachio Disguisey:
[Mocking Texas Wife] 'Cause you better not be!

Pistachio Disguisey:
Can I help you?

Grandfather Disguisey:
I have come to help you, Pistachio.

Pistachio Disguisey:
Help me what?

Grandfather Disguisey:
Find your mother and your father. My son.

Pistachio Disguisey:
My father... your son... Holy canoli! You are my sister!

Jennifer:
...And now I believe that you can do anything.

Pistachio Disguisey:
Ah! That's very nice but not exactly true, I... I can't turn mud into oatmeal, for example, I can't build a spaceship that will travel to Pluto...

Pistachio Disguisey:
[as Gammy Num-Nums] Appraise this! [Slams "Nest in a Box on counter]

Art Dealer:
It appears to be of 12th century Tuscan design...

Pistachio Disguisey:
I knew it was old, you fool! Let me appraise you; you're an idiot. A complete and total idiot!

Pistachio Disguisey:
[as Gammy Num-Nums] And yet, Backstreet Boy, this is one girl who isn't content to be the Malcolm in *your* middle!

Devlin Bowman:
[Speaking to Jennifer] No need to bring anything...

Pistachio Disguisey:
[as Gammy Num-Nums] We don't want to go anywhere with you, Melon Head!

Sophia:
Look, Pistachios, the silly voices, the making faces, it was fun for like one second, okay?

Pistachio Disguisey:
Only one second?

Sophia:
I never wanted to go out with yous! I'm in love with Rex, okay?

Pistachio Disguisey:
[Ending Credits] Once I found an elephant in my pajamas. How he got in my pajamas, I'll never know!

Trent:
What kind of crap are you filling his head with?

Pistachio Disguisey:
Uh, the nice-ness?

Trent:
"The nice-ness?" You are trying to horn in in my action, aren't cha?

Pistachio Disguisey:
[Imitates Trent] You are trying to horn in in my action, aren't cha?

Trent:
What? [Looks away and back] Are you mocking me?

Pistachio Disguisey:
[Imitates Trent] What? [Looks away and back] Are you mocking me?

Pistachio Disguisey:
But, Papa, don't preach. I'm in trouble deep, and I'm keeping my baby.

Pistachio Disguisey:
[Barney falls off skateboard] I noticed that you became acquainted with the sidewalk a moment ago.

Grandfather Disguisey:
Who are you now?

Pistachio Disguisey:
The question is not who I am, the question is who are you? I'm Prince LaIi Jhamba from the Ringy Dingy Heights near Bombay, Calcutta and New Delhi, India. India. India.

Grandfather Disguisey:
It's time to test that.

Pistachio Disguisey:
What is it? [Grandfather Disguisey opens basket]

Pistachio Disguisey:
That is a big reptile.Not a problem. [Plays recorder] Oh, yes. He wouldn't hurt anybody now.I'm going to call him Buttercup! So cute, eh?

Grandfather Disguisey:
Energico! God help me, I love it!

Pistachio Disguisey:
[Dangling cheese above reptile] You like the cheese. Go get the cheese, Buttercup. You know you love it.

"My, aren't you a tall drink of water and I just love moisture!"