The Monitors

Monitor:
[voiceover reciting the Monitor mantra] The Monitors are your friends. Depend on the Monitors. Work for peace. Violence solves nothing. The Monitors bring peace. Peace brings happiness.

Colonel Stutz:
[disguised as a preacher] Believe in the Monitors or the Heavens will open up and rain down horned toads, warted frogs, and all sorts of slimy, scaled yellow monsters.

Max:
I'm a butterfly.

Harry:
You are NOT a butterfly.

Max:
I WAS a butterfly. Now I'm a paisley shawl.

Barbara:
You know what makes you such a miserable little specimen? You have all these obsolete sexual hang-ups.

Mona:
Cream fattens. Milk irritates the colon. Sugar creates acids. Acids eat tooth enamel.

Harry:
Oh boy, have YOU been here a long time.

General Blackwish:
Well, son, with you to drop the bomb, we can wipe out their headquarters and threaten the rest.

Colonel Stutz:
But there are rules in war, Culp! Rules! Rule one, ask no questions. Rule two, be on the winning side.

Culp:
Uh, what was rule one, again, sir?

Max:
I'm NOT uptight! I just happen to have a natural, God-given ability for hating.

Max:
Are you married?

Mona:
Who, me?

Max:
No, the bread.

Max:
You have to marry somebody to learn how to hate somebody. I'm available.

President:
Slavic languages have such a rich vocabulary of invective.

President:
The Monitors have a vision - no doubt about it - but, like most missionaries, they just don't understand why people for whom they do so much good don't appreciate it.

Unsung Hero:
The nation's little people salute the Monitors. We, the unsung heroes of our society - the truck drivers, the mail men, the guys who put holes in the doughnuts - at last have all the law and order we need. That's why I say, "Up the Monitors!"

Harry:
This is an apocalyptic moment. You don't screw around with apocalyptic moment.

Monitor:
[voiceover reciting montra] All life is sacred. All men are brothers. Reason not force. The Monitors will protect you. The Monitors work for your welfare. Be kind. Kindness is strength. The Monitors are kind. Helping others helps you.

Monitor:
[voiceover reciting montra] Reason not force. The Monitors are your friends. Peace brings happiness.

Colonel Stutz:
Jordan, you're always with a beautiful woman. What's your secret? Raw eggs? Wheat germ oil? Steak tartare? You can tell me.