The Mostly Unfabulous Social Life of Ethan Green

Punch Epstein:
You don't have a cell phone, do you?

Ethan Green:
No.

Punch Epstein:
Oh my God, that is so hot! A gay guy without a cell phone.

Ethan Green:
[aboue Chester] God, he's like the gay Antichrist!

Leo Worth:
I'm sorry if I shocked you.

[talking about his gay lovelife]

Senior Lady:
Oh no, that's ok, I have HBO...

Devil Punch:
[on Ethan's shoulder, after Punch passed out] What are you doing? F*** him.

Angel Punch:
Yeah, f*** him.

Ethan Green:
Aren't you supposed to be talking me out of this?

Angel Punch:
No, f*** him.

Devil Punch:
Yeah.

Angel Punch:
Do it doggy style.

Devil Punch:
Do it doggy style. F*** him.

Hat Sister:
There are three things I know in life: One, you make your own reality and destinies. Two, no matter where you move, no matter how many times you move, there will always be an International Male catalogue on your doorstep, and when you open it you'll feel fat. And number three, if you want something, really want something, for all the right reasons, grab it by the balls, and don't let go.

Punch Epstein:
Hey. No offense, I despise small talk. My name's Punch. I'm a sensitive, globally aware kind of guy who's horny 24 hours a day. My likes are dick, dick, and more dick. My pet peeves are rainy days, cum stains on new shirts and people who eat bananas with their mouths open. It makes that squishy noise, you know? That's a whole evening of small talk right there.

Punch Epstein:
Don't be afraid of the Punch.

Juarez:
Straight men can find love in their golden years, but it's harsher in the gay world.

Ethan Green:
Juarez, I'm just curious, for the two months we were together you never wanted to live with me, yet you've lived with my mother for 5 years. Is there something wrong with me?

Harper Green:
You've gotta label your tapes better. I thought you lent me Love Story, and grandma and I sat down to watch it and, you know, it was Dawson's... Crack.

Ethan Green:
How old are you?

Punch Epstein:
19, but I'm petulant.

Punch Epstein:
Fear is the darkroom where all negatives are developed.

Ethan Green:
Wow, who wrote that?

Punch Epstein:
Barbara Walters from "The View". Or maybe it was the fat one.

[in the middle of a blowj*b]

Ethan Green:
Thanks for delivering.

Punch Epstein:
It's what I do best.

Ethan Green:
No, I mean about today. You really came through for me, and I appreciate that. Kyle ...

Punch Epstein:
Ooh, we haven't done our job if you still remember his name.

Punch Epstein:
Remember when you said you never really get over people? FYI, I'm totally over you.

Juarez:
I'm surprised you two decided to come. I know how you feel about Chester.

Hat Sister:
Weddings are more important than anything.

Hat Sister:
Yes, one needs to respect the institution, not that a**hole entering into it.

Ethan Green:
Leo, you know I'm a mess. I am destined to play "Dream Date" for the rest of my life and lose.

Leo Worth:
Hey, there's one way to win the game, Ethan.

Ethan Green:
What's that?

Leo Worth:
Stop playing.