The Munsters

Lily Munster:
Oh, Marilyn... the circles under your eyes. How lovely you look today.

Grandpa Munster:
Hmm. What smells so good?

Herman Munster:
I cut myself shaving.

Marilyn Munster:
What does Ramone look like?

Lily Munster:
He looks a little like Cary Grant, the poor man.

Lily Munster:
Herman tried to build a ship inside a bottle. We had to break the bottle to get him out.

Lily:
Eddie! You better start dawdling, or you're going to be on time for school!

Lily Munster:
When is that silly bird going to get girls off his mind?

The Raven:
Nevermore, nevermore.

[repeated line]

Herman Munster:
DARN, DARN, DARN, DARN!

Herman Munster:
[reading a poem he wrote as an advertising jingle for his mortuary employer] When your days on earth are over / And you've gone to your reward, / Let us put you 'neath the clover / At a price you can afford.

[repeated line]

Herman Munster:
Oh, goody!

Lily Munster:
Grandpa, if you want the ketchup, just say "Please pass the ketchup", not "Shoot me the plasma!"

Marilyn Munster:
Oh, what do you have in the jar, Eddie?

Eddie Munster:
It's my science project for school. It's a Black Widow spider.

Lily Munster:
Oh, that could be dangerous. You be real careful when you take the spider out of the jar, Eddie, so that nobody hurts it.

Lily Munster:
The last time they made a present for Eddie, it broke loose and swallowed a milktruck.

Lily Munster:
[to Eddie] Oh, eh, before you go to bed, be sure to put on the heavier lid. It's going to be chilly tonight.

Herman Munster:
I wanna watch that new western on TV tonight. Where the cowboy's a psychiatrist. And he lassos the bad guys, and instead of shooting them, he ties them to a couch and analyses them. [laughs]

Herman Munster:
[shouting] Hi Marylin! Come on in and bring your boyfriend. We'd love to have him for dinner!

Herman Munster:
Come, on, hurry up, Grandpa, we're all set to go to the drive-in. They're having a Porky Pig cartoon and I wanna get there for the beginning, so I can follow the plot.

Herman Munster:
How are you gonna get the frog to drink the potion out of that glass?

Grandpa:
Oh, my boy, that's very simple. You see, I'll change the potion into a fly. And then I'll get the stupid frog to eat the fly.

Ted Bradley:
Now, what's a beautiful girl like you doing calling for help?

Marilyn Munster:
Well, this is the first time in ages that they went out, and I didn't know what else to do.

Ted Bradley:
Just as I thought. When will they get back?

Ted Bradley:
In a minute, but you don't understand...

Ted Bradley:
Please, spare me the painful details, we haven't a moment to waste!

Herman Munster:
Grandpa, you blew it again! The spell wore off. I told you not to buy those magic potions in Tijuana.

Herman Munster:
[on the phone] Hello. What? Germany calling? Yes, this Herman Munster. Who? Dr. Frankenstein?

Grandpa:
Dr. Frankenstein? He's been dead since 1832. But take the call anyway.

Dr. Victor Frankenstein IV:
[calling on the phone] Mr Munster, this is Doctor Victor Frankenstein the fourth. I believe you were acquainted with my grandpapa, the original Dr. Frankenstein?

Herman Munster:
[on the other line] Acquainted? He made me what I am today.

Lily Munster:
Eddie! You take those curlers off your ears this minute!

Eddie Munster:
Nobody is gonna notice me with just plain pointed ears. Can't I curl them just a little?

Lily Munster:
No you can't.

Herman Munster:
Eddie, your mother is right. We don't want any child of ours going to school and being stared at.

Dr. Victor Frankenstein IV:
[to Johann] Stop that pounding! If you don't behave, I shall take your brain out and put it in backwards.

Dr. Victor Frankenstein IV:
Before my grandfather perfected you, if you'll pardon the expression, he had one or two near misses.

Herman Munster:
Oh?

Dr. Victor Frankenstein IV:
Yes. Johann is one of the rejects. He was discovered, oh, about six months ago living in the woods on the old ancestral Frankenstein estate in Germany. He had managed to survived since 1815. Well, he was terribly uncivilized. Running about the countryside, frightening young maidens and terrifying the populace.

Herman Munster:
Well, I did a little of that myself before I got married.

Herman Munster:
That rotten old Johann running off with my wife! And on top of everything else, he took my new fishing pole with him!

Dr. Victor Frankenstein IV:
Just fancy that. You mean to say that Johann is rendevouzing at Happy Valley lodge with your wife?

Herman Munster:
That's right. And I don't think it's what you English guys call 'cricket'.

TV Anouncer:
[on television] And that concludes another episode of 'Life can be Wonderful'.

Grandpa:
Eh! Two divorces, a broken home, a bus accident and three suicides. Nothing interesting ever happens on that show any more!

Herman Munster:
Grandpa, what's the matter with you? [Grandpa stops waving his flaming torch at Herman]

Herman Munster:
That's no way for a self respecting Republican to act!

Herman Munster:
[Lily has locked herself in a closet] Lily, you come out of there!

Grandpa:
Lily, please, open up!

Dr. Victor Frankenstein IV:
Do come out, madam, this is Johann's closet!

Lily Munster:
Grandpa, I just had a terrible thought. Do you think Dr. Frankenstein could have gotten mixed up? I mean, taken Herman and left me Johann?

Grandpa:
Of course not, Lily. Heheh. Anyway, if you ask me, there's not enough difference to worry about.

Grandpa:
[cackles] Turn up the rectifier to 9.000 volts!

Marilyn Munster:
Rectifier to 9.000.

Grandpa:
Eh, good. Now, now switch the oscillator from negative to positive!

Marilyn Munster:
Switch the oscillator... Grandpa?

Grandpa:
Yes?

Marilyn Munster:
I don't mean to seem nosey, but what's the purpose of this machine?

Lily Munster:
What's the subject of your school composition, Eddie?

Eddie Munster:
'My parents, an average American family'.

Lily Munster:
Fine, dear. When your father comes to, I'm sure he'll be able to help you with it.

Lily Munster:
I guess it's cold rhinoceros sandwiches again tonight!

Mr. Bradley:
[about Eddie's composition] This is written with the reddest red ink I think I have ever seen...

Eddie Munster:
When read my composition to the class, all the kids started laughing and yelling and screaming and stamping their feet. A couple of them even doubled up so bad they had to be carried out of the room.

Herman Munster:
Strange the way jealousy affects some people.

Eddie Munster:
And pop, don't slap the teacher on the back and tell her any of your corny jokes.

Herman Munster:
Is it all right if I tell her the one about and sailor the mermaid?

Eddie Munster:
You tell her that one and I'll run away from home.

Herman Munster:
You just don't want me to sit there and look stupid, do you?

Eddie Munster:
That would be fine, pop.

Eddie Munster:
How do I look?

Lily Munster:
Oh, just fine, Eddie. Did you wash up?

Eddie Munster:
Sure. I brushed my fangs and washed behind my points.

Lily Munster:
I'm going into the kitchen and see to it that the cheese dip doesn't crawl out of the dish.

Miss Thompson:
Mr. Bradley, over there, isn't that an electric chair?

Mr. Bradley:
Well, it could be the way the shadows are falling onto it, Eh... could be some of that pop-art, too. Perhaps they're rather bohemian in their taste...

Lily Munster:
Eddie, ehm, Spot's in the kitchen. Whey don't you take him out in the yard and help him bury someone?

Lily Munster:
Oh, you've been reading in the dark again, it will ruin you're eyes and then we'll have to get you another pair.

Herman Munster:
Lily, just look at this: a hundred and three dollars for electricity! [the lights go out as he hands her the bill and loud noises emerge from the dungeon]

Lily Munster:
Well, you know, Grandpa needs a lot of electricity to carry on his experiments in the dungeon.

Herman Munster:
Why can't he have his dungeon in the attic, where there's plenty of light?

Grandpa:
It just so happens that right now I am working on a fabulous invention that will make this family some big money!

Lily Munster:
What kind of invention?

Grandpa:
I'm not talking. Why, that's the way Eddison got the electric light away from me.

Police Chief W.R. Harris:
[on the phone] Mulligan, Chief Harris. I want an around the clock stakeout in Mid City park. Tell 'em to be on the look out for a greenish man about nine or ten feet tall with bright red eyes and cold hands.

Grandpa:
Why, with this machine, I could make Rhode Island the size of Texas. We'll make millions, and I'll make them bigger! I could even make the world's biggest Mickey Rooney!

Lily Munster:
What are you talking about?

Herman Munster:
The thing! The horrible thing! You we're right, Lily, it grabbed me in the park. It was awful. It had two heads and four long blue arms!

Police Commisioner Ludlow:
Just what in the name of Pat O'Brian do you think you're doing?

Police Chief W.R. Harris:
Holding up the ceiling, Commisioner.

Police Chief W.R. Harris:
That box contains a secret formula that will manacle the midnight marauder of Mid City Park.

Herman Munster:
By the way, what time is it?

The Raven:
[shrieks] At the tone, it will be later than you think, ne'er more.

Herman Munster:
I had no idea it was that late.

Lily Munster:
Oh Herman, what are we going to do?

Herman Munster:
Well, I guess someone will have to go to the park and protect her.

Lily Munster:
I'll get my coat.

Herman Munster:
No. Lily, I'll go alone.

Lily Munster:
Oh, you can't go out there alone!

Eddie Munster:
Why don't you take Spot with ya?

Herman Munster:
Hah! Spot's afraid of his own shadow.

Herman Munster:
[glances a look at Spot's shadow] Come to think of it, I don't blame him.

Lily Munster:
I was hoping you'd come home. We have a much more serious problem.

Herman Munster:
Really? Did Grandpa blow up the dungeon again?

Coach Roger Denman:
Jerry, our scout's report show that this guy's got everything: footwork like a gazelle, hands like a gorilla and he's tall as a giraffe!

Jerry:
Who's sponsoring him, the S.P.C.A.?

Coach Roger Denman:
Now, how tall are you?

Herman Munster:
I'm, eh, seven foot three.

Jerry:
In your stocking feet?

Herman Munster:
No, in my stocking feet I'm seven foot four. I wear very thick socks.

Pop Mallory:
Look, just as soon as you start basketballin' at, for that Westburry College, you ain't gonna have to do no more walking. [slaps his thigh] Have your own Corn-vertible.

Jerry:
Coach, how are our you gonna get rid of these Hillbillies, they came here all the way from Kentucky.

Coach Roger Denman:
Easy. I'll just politely and graciously explain the matter to them, in the fine sporting tradition of college athletics. Moose?

Moose Mallory:
Yes sir?

Coach Roger Denman:
The eh, job is filled.

Moose Mallory:
Huh?

Coach Roger Denman:
Get lost, ya bum!

Pop Mallory:
[puts down newspaper] Herman Munster. Moose, that must be the fellow that rinkydinked you out of your basketbal scholarship.

Pop Mallory:
[standing in front of the Munster's house] Now Moose, I ask ya, did you ever see a house like this in all your born days?

Moose Mallory:
I sure didn't, pah. Ain't nobody back home could afford nothing this fancy.

Moose Mallory:
[Moose's feet have caught fire] Hey Pah?

Pop Mallory:
Yes, what is it, Louie?

Moose Mallory:
You're closer to my feet then I am. Would you mind puttin' out the fire?

Pop Mallory:
O.K., son, but don't expect me to do it every time.

Coach Roger Denman:
What do you mean you won't play basketball for this noble institution of learning? Are you out of your skull?

Herman Munster:
Oh, oh, er, no, sir, I, I haven't been out of it for years.

Lily Munster:
Oh Marylin, this is Mr. Moose Mallory and his father.

Marilyn Munster:
How do you do?

Moose Mallory:
I'm mighty glad to meet you, Ma'm. I declare, you're prettier than a bucket full 'o hoglivers.

Marilyn Munster:
[flattered] Oh, thank you very much.

Moose Mallory:
Look at the eggs they have in there. [reaches into a cupboard and pulls out a watermelon sized egg] Big 'uns too.

Lily Munster:
We have vultures in the back.

Moose Mallory:
Well, I'd hate to reach under one of them.

Grandpa:
Eddie, how bout you go to find Marilyn, and then the three of us will have a checker tournament!

Eddie Munster:
Oh, Marilyn went out with her new boyfriend, and I have to go play with one of the neighbor kids.

Grandpa:
Which one?

Eddie Munster:
I don't know, I haven't caught him yet!

Marilyn Munster:
My, you're in a good mood this morning.

Grandpa:
Marilyn, what would you say if I told you I was going to cast my line into the sea of matrimony and catch a new grandmother for you?

Marilyn Munster:
I can't quite put my finger on it, but somehow that woman seems strange.

Lily Munster:
Doesn't everybody? You'll learn to live with it dear, I have.

Malcolm:
[looking at Grandpa's picture] You know darling, this one keeps reminding me of Poochie Downing. Hm hm hm. Wouldn't you say this fellow looks a lot like Poochie?

Lydia Gardner:
You mean the way he looked when I pushed him - I mean when he fell off his yacht on our honeymoon cruise?

Malcolm:
Eh no, no, more the way he looked a week later when they fished him out of the water.

Lily Munster:
[Lily wakes up Herman in the middle of the night] Herman?

Herman Munster:
What?

Lily Munster:
Listen...

Herman Munster:
I don't hear anything.

Lily Munster:
That's it! The shutters have stopped squeaking.

Herman Munster:
Lily. You're always not hearing things. Go to sleep.

The First Policeman:
[referring to Mrs. Gardner] I hate to tell you this, miss. But, she thinks that you've got a monster in that house.

Marilyn Munster:
A monster? Oh, that's ridiculous. There's nobody in here but my family.

The First Policeman:
That's what we figured. She's just trying to build up an insanity plea to make it easier for herself.

Lydia Gardner:
Uh, do any other members of your family live with you?

Lily Munster:
No, they're all dead.

Lydia Gardner:
I see. Passed away?

Lily Munster:
[smiling] No, they haven't gone anywhere. They're just dead.

Grandpa:
When is anyone gonna pay attention to a poor old man?

Raven in the cuckoo clock:
[squawks] Nevermore! Nevermore!

Grandpa:
The policemen say that... that Lydia was trying to kill me?

Marilyn Munster:
I'm sorry, Grandpa, but she was the notorious Black Widow

Herman Munster:
You see? I told ya, you can't be too careful. When you think of some of the people running around loose in the world today... it's frightening!

Lily Munster:
Eddie, you naughty, naughty boy! you traded your grandfather for a squirrel?

Herman Munster:
You know, there is something strange, Lilly. Before we took off, this plane was filled with people. As soon as we came on and set down, they all got up and left.

Lily Munster:
Well, I guess maybe they just came to see somebody off.

Grandpa:
Herman, I think it's about time you had a little father and son talk with Eddie here. You know, about the bats and the bees...

Marilyn Munster:
[Herman is forcing the family to take a trip to Buffalo Valley instead of the beach] I'm afraid I'm not going to be able to make it, Uncle Herman, I have tests at school. And besides, everyone knows that Buffalo Valley is definitely no place to meet boys.

Lily Munster:
Well, perhaps your dear uncle is hoping you might meet some rich, handsome buffalo.

Grandpa:
The last time I tried to sleep in a place this small, some guy shoveled dirt in my face.

Herman Munster:
[talking to the skull of an ox] All right, don't answer me, you old sorehead! Hmpf! I'll bet you used to give sour milk.

Wonga:
Look, I told you twenty times, Manikoo, I can't do those cornball lines! I feel like a schnook beating that crummy drum.

Manikoo:
Look, Wonga, I don't dig the bit either, but it's what the tourists expect.

Eddie Munster:
Gee, Grandpa, what are we gonna do if pop's disappeared for good, and we never find him at all?

Grandpa:
What are we gonna do? We'll just send his return trip ticket for a cash refund, that's all.

Herman Munster:
Don't you have any brave pills I can take?

Grandpa:
Well... [cackles] I made these in the middle ages for Richard the Lion hearted.

Herman Munster:
Did they work?

Grandpa:
Did they work? I'll have you know that before he took these, he was known as Chicken Dickie.

Herman Munster:
Shall I take some of these?

Grandpa:
No, no, no, no, eh, it says they're good only if you're going on a crusade, and, eh, I don't think you wanna take that much time off from work.

Herman Munster:
Golly, when Eddie first mentioned the idea of bronco busting to me, it sounded kinda like a fun thing.

Lily Munster:
But dear, the last time you were on a merrygoround horse, you had to wear a safety belt. I don't want you to go through with this. You'll just go out and get yourself killed. You're only 152 years old. And I won't have you cut down in the prime of your life.

Herman Munster:
Grandpa, have you found anything yet to make me brave? When I think of riding a bucking bronco, I'm petrified!

Grandpa:
What are you knocking? Some of my best friends of petrified.

Herman Munster:
[having just gotten his thumbs unstuck from his belt] I guess John Wayne and those other fellows must grease their thumbs before they try that.

Marilyn Munster:
It certainly was nice of Uncle Herman to get us this private Box.

Lily Munster:
Well, we Munsters always feel more at home in a box.

Marilyn Munster:
Uncle Herman is certainly showing the spectators what he's made of.

Lily Munster:
Yes, and I hope we can replace the parts!

Eddie Wolfgang Munster:
Hi everybody, this is Googie Miller. Googie, this is my mom

Googie Miller:
Hi.

Lily Munster:
Hello, Googie.

Eddie Wolfgang Munster:
...and this is my cousin Marilyn

Googie Miller:
Like Wow!

Eddie Wolfgang Munster:
And this is my grandfather...

Googie Miller:
Hi.

Grandpa:
Hi. eh, What are you staring at, my little man?

Googie Miller:
I've never seen a penguin smoking a cigar before

Lily Munster:
Dinner's just about ready, Herman. Would you please blow out the candles?

Herman Munster:
Yes dear. [the candles are blown out and curl down under Herman's mighty breath] .

Googie Miller:
Hey Eddie, after lunch your grandpa claims he's gonna change me into a rabbit and back.

Eddie Wolfgang Munster:
Oh, Grandpa has got all kind of neat tricks.

Googie Miller:
Yeah, well I've got an idea how to play a neat trick on him. Come on downtown with me, I gotta get something.

Eddie Wolfgang Munster:
But I don't want to play a trick on grandpa.

Googie Miller:
What are you talking about? He's an adult and we're kids. It's our duty to do everything in our power to ruin 'em.

Grandpa:
[stirring a couldron] Bubble bubble, toil and trouble . Shakespeare, my cornhall!

Herman Munster:
What's the matter?

Grandpa:
I don't know, the brat won't un-monkey

Grandpa:
Stand back, stand back, I'm gonna use number X-L-438. This is the one that took Abraham Lincoln out of that log cabin, and put him in the white house. Ibbedy Dibbedy, Ibbedy Sassy, Expost facto, Raymond Massey!

Eddie Wolfgang Munster:
You're the meanest kid I ever knew! You're a rat... and a ratfink... and a misserable little brat!

Googie Miller:
Gee thanks, Eddie, my analyst said what I needed was recognition.

Herman Munster:
Herman, we can lock ourselves in the dungeon for twenty or thirty years, till this thing blows over.

Herman Munster:
Oh, if we're going to be there that long, I'll need a change of socks.

Grandpa:
Eddie, You're getting off very easy! Why, back in the old country if I had done something like this, my father would have bitten my head off!

Eddie Wolfgang Munster:
Gee, I'm sorry.

Lily Munster:
If you go with bad companions, some of it is bound to rub off on you.

Herman Munster:
Exactly. Which brings to mind a famous old quotation: he who lies down with dog, gets up with fleas.

Eddie Wolfgang Munster:
Who said that, daddy?

Herman Munster:
I'm not sure, I think it was the man who trained Lassie.

Grandpa Munster:
[after reciting the spell that brought Lincoln fro a log cabin to the white house] I did it! I did it! It always takes a lot out of me, but it worked!

Lily Munster:
[Grandpa's setting up a huge mousetrap at the bottem of the stairs, with the intention of trapping Googie] What are you doing?

Grandpa Munster:
Well, Lilly, he as a handbuzzer. Can't I just play a little harmless practical joke on him?

Lily Munster:
Put that away!

Grandpa Munster:
I never get to have any fun anymore.

Lily Munster:
[after Googie puts nitro in Grandpa's caldron] Have you seen Grandpa?

Eddie Wolfgang Munster:
[Explosion in dungeon and Grandpa goes flying out into the rafters] Here he comes now!

Lily Munster:
What happened to you?

Grandpa Munster:
[beaten up and clinging to rafters] Never mind what happened to me. Wait 'till you see what happens to Googie.

Herman Munster:
It's not a funny joke when it's at the expense fo your poor, broken down Grandfather.

Grandpa Munster:
[with slight bow] Thank you Herman.

Grandpa Munster:
[Herman's having a temper tantrum and stoming through living room floor] Excuse me Lilly, while I finish this conversation with Herman in the dungeon.

Herman Munster:
The Munsters, mind you, the entire family, has won a membership to the Mockingbird Hights Country Club [the entire family cheers]

Lily Munster:
Oh Herman, oh, that club is so exclusive! Why, you know, you have to wait for one of the members to pass away before you can even be considered for membership.

Herman Munster:
I know, that's what's so wonderful. Once we're in, we can stay forever.

Grandpa Munster:
As far as I can recall, no member of my family ever passed away for good.

Lily Munster:
Grandpa, this place is depressingly cheerful. But I suppose this modern decor is what they go in for.

Lily Munster:
This ensemble has a cape made of tufted coffin lining in a lovely shade of cemetery grey. This little number was very inexpensive. The fabric is made of black widows webs, and the underslip, pure unborn centipede.

Reginald Stubbs:
Hey, that's not Charlie Hinshaw, who are those... people?

Petrie:
[with extreme disdain] Those are the Munsters.

Reginald Stubbs:
Good heavens!

Petrie:
She's gambling with the bartender, she's gotten herself so stoned, she's joining the fashion show. You still want those contest winners in our club?

Lily Munster:
It's just lucky you didn't run into that fiend this morning when you were playing there.

Herman Munster:
Don't say such a thing, dear If I ever came face to face with a frightening, horrible creature like that, it would scare me out of a hundred years growth!

Clyde Thornton:
[reading aloud from the Mortician Montly] 'Going out to pasture' by Herman Munster When your grazing days are over and you've gone to your reward. Let us put plant you 'neath the clover at a price you can afford.

Herman Munster:
See, I've never written mush to girls before. I usually write my mush to flowers and sunsets and waterfalls, junk like that.

Herman Munster:
You know, Clyde, it makes me feel very good to have been of some help to you. I mean, there have been hundreds of ghost in my family, but never a ghost-writer.

Lily Munster:
He didn't even mention the L.E.T.T.E.R.

Marilyn Munster:
You're absolutely R.I.G.H.T

Lily Munster:
I'd better not find out he's becoming a P.H.I.L.A.N.... A.N....

Eddie Munster:
I don't know what you guys are talking about, but 'philanderer' is spelled P.H.I.L.A.N.D.E.R.E.R.

Lily Munster:
There's an ancient Transylvanian proverb we used to have in the old country: always put the shortest chain on the oldest wolf.

Clara Mason:
Clyde, have you been hiding a book of poetry out in those bushes?

Clyde Thornton:
Oh no!

Clara Mason:
Then where did you get all those words?

Marilyn Munster:
Are you really going over to Clyde's?

Lily Munster:
I certainly am. I think that Herman is meeting his female penpal at Clyde's apartment.

Marilyn Munster:
What if you find out it's true?

Lily Munster:
What will I do? I will take Herman apart so that even Dr. Frankenstein couldn't put him back together again.

Herman Munster:
Alright, explain it to me, Grandpa, Lily's not here, but she circled Clyde's adress in the phonebook.

Grandpa:
Now why would she do that?

Herman Munster:
Don't you get it? Clyde told me he met a girl on a bus. Right?

Grandpa:
Right.

Herman Munster:
Clyde never told me the name of the girl he met on the bus. Right?

Grandpa:
Right.

Herman Munster:
Every day, Lily takes the bus to go shopping. Right?

Grandpa:
Right.

Herman Munster:
And Lily acts very funny every time I mention the name of Clyde!

Grandpa:
Hmmm.

Herman Munster:
So, fears to witt and ergo, the girl on the bus is Lily, and I have been helping sly old Clyde romance her with my letters!

Clara Mason:
Is this Herman Munster's house?

Ann Carter:
This is it, 1313 Mockingbird Lane.

Clara Mason:
Oh, this is just the kind of place I would expect my mysterious romantic writer to live in!

Herman Munster:
Maybe Grandpa's right. My poetry's so rancid I can't ever remember it. [reciting] My life was nothing until your sweet presence...

Lily Munster:
Until your sweet presence breathed the breath of love into my soul...

Herman Munster:
Lily, you remembered it!

Lily Munster:
Of course, Herman. And I don't think your poetry is rancid at all.

Herman Munster:
Dear, that's the sweetest thing you've ever said to me!

Lily Munster:
Hm, thank you, sugarfang.

Lily Munster:
We ought to get to the bottom of this at supper.

Herman Munster:
Well, it may not be that serious, Lilly. It may have just slipped her mind. Things are always popping out of my head...

Lily Munster:
Yes, but with you, we can always put them back in.

Grandpa:
There it is, Marilyn. Now don't try to hide anything. You know in this family, nothing ever stays burried.

Herman Munster:
Dancing has never been of my strong points. I guess you could say I have two left feet.

Grandpa:
That's what happens when they put someone together in the dark.

Marilyn Munster:
Well I'm surpised that he never learned to dance when he was younger.

Lily Munster:
Well, when other young men were going to parties and dances, I'm afraid he was always tied up at the laboratory.

Grandpa:
Oh boy! He's got his head in the harp again!

The Raven:
Agh! What a crack up.

Herman Munster:
Eh, watch the face, I'm gonna be a star!

Miss Valentine:
Mr. Munster! Mr. Munster!

Herman Munster:
What is it?

Miss Valentine:
The music has stopped!

Herman Munster:
Don't bring me back now, I'm too far out!

Miss Valentine:
Oh, Mr. Mun...

Miss Valentine:
Man, it's wig city!

Eddie Wolfgang Munster:
Hey mom, can I take Spot to school today?

Lily Munster:
Not today Eddie, Spot's being punished. He got out last night and ate all the neigbor's trash cans.

Doc Havemeyer:
[about Herman] He looks like a cross between Li'l Abner and Ramses the second!

Lily Munster:
[Taking Marylin's temperature] Oh! She has a fever: Ninety eight point six.

Marilyn Munster:
But, but isn't that normal, Aunt Lilly?

Lily Munster:
Oh heavens, no. We Munsters average in the low fifties.

Grandpa:
You know herman, I didn't realize Lily had that much money in her bank account?

Herman Munster:
I know. As the hipsters say: that's quite a bag full of bread.

Herman Munster:
I know I won't be able sleep 'till that money's back in the bank. The heck with waiting for it to open. I'll take it back tonight!

Herman Munster:
Grandpa listen, somebody's working on the door.

Grandpa:
It sounds like a big drill. we're being rescued! [laughs]

Herman Munster:
A drill? Who wants to be rescued by a dentist?

Grandpa Munster:
I'd rather make a withdrawel from the blood bank.

Herman Munster:
Grandpa, you are the greatest!

Grandpa:
Son in law, that's the first thing you've said in years that I agree with.

Herman Munster:
[Grandpa is reading the paper] Hi, Grandpa, How are you old chum, old pall, old buddy, old friend?

Grandpa:
All right Herman, you don't have to lay it on, you can have the comics.

Herman Munster:
[reading a bedtime story to Boris] Goldylocks and the three bears, oh good. That's my favorite one too. I've been waiting till they make it into a movie with Doris Day.

Herman Munster:
Eddie, what are you doing up in that tree? Come down here this instant.

Eddie Munster:
I won't. I'm gonna stay up here till I croak. 'Cause Nobody loves me. Nobody cares!

Lily Munster:
Oh, Eddie, we all love you. We love you from the bottom of your little hooves to the top of your little pointed ears.

Lily Munster:
[reading aloud a letter] Dear Mrs. Munster, I wanna thank you all for sending me to live with uncle Garret and aunt Mina on their lovely ranch in Death Valley. I'm looking forward to visiting Eddie and all of you on vacations. Signed, your loving robot, Boris. Isn't that a sweet letter?

Grandpa:
Yeah, you know, he writes pretty good for a kid I slapped together in a couple of hours.

Roman broadcaster:
[Grandpa turns on a the radio he made out of old tubes from the dungeon] We interrupt this programme to bring you a news bulletin. The city of Rome, burned last night. Emperor Nero was unavailable for comment. It was rumored he was fiddling at the time. Unidentified sources close to the emperor...

Grandpa:
[Grandpa turns it off] There. Boy, those tubes are old. I'll turn it on later. Find out who won the daily double on the chariot races.

Lily Munster:
Did you ask him why he was so definite about quitting school?

Herman Munster:
Wel, no. [waving his newspaper in the air] With Little Orphan Annie in such a mess, I guess I just didn't come round to it.

Herman Munster:
Uhm, Eddie, I came up here to have a little talk to you. Uhm, man to man.

Eddie Wolfgang Munster:
Mom made you, huh?

Lily Munster:
I want you two to stop fighting. Now. Now you make up and bury the shovel.

Lily Munster:
Eddie, don't get your beard in your soup.

Grandpa Munster:
[about Herman] You know Eddie, I love him. But there are times I'd like to bite him right in the throat.

Grandpa:
Honored? Why, it's an insult to the family name to be called 'average' I happen to be a genuine Count, with the blood of Princes and Dukes flowing in my veins!

Herman Munster:
Grandpa, when those reporters show up, I insist you be here.

Grandpa:
I won't, I won't, I won't! If you make me, I'll turn into a bone and burry myself in the backyard!

Lily Munster:
[Herman is looking for Grandpa] Oh, I can't imagine where he is. He knows the reporters are coming this afternoon.

Herman Munster:
I guess he's gone somewhere, but the question is: when will he come back?

The Raven:
[sqawks] Ne'er more!

Herman Munster:
You stay out of this.

Lily Munster:
Eddie? Are you in bed?

Eddie Munster:
[from inside his room] Yes, but I can't stay awake!

Lily Munster:
You'll be able to, dear, just lie there with your eyes open, dear.

Lennie Bates:
[about the difficulties of taking a picture of the Munsters] Four lenses cracked before I got it. I finally used the strongest one we have. The one for elephant stampedes.

Marilyn Munster:
My aunt and uncle are out right now, and grandfather is up in the attic.

Pops Murdock:
Oh, eh, working?

Marilyn Munster:
Oh no, he just likes to hang around up there.

Marilyn Munster:
In all the years that we've lived here, I can't recall more than 8 or 9 people ever getting past the front door.

Grandpa:
What would the neigbors say if they saw a bunch of strange looking people living in our home?

Eddie Munster:
Mom, if we do rent the place, can I use some of the money to buy Spot a new toy?

Lily Munster:
Oh Eddie, we gave him a foreign sports car for Christmas, he played with it a couple of times, and then he threw over the back fence.

Eddie Munster:
Hey mom, can I go out and walk around the ledge?

Lily Munster:
Oh no, no, Eddie, you might fall off and hurt somebody.

Lily Munster:
[listening to The Standells perform] You know Herman, they do have a certain... style.

Herman Munster:
Yes, they are rather razzmatazz!

The Hermit:
In the vortex of the future of the cool tomorrow land, we'll all wait there, play a gig there. in that great non-union band. Scooba doo and Scooba daba. Live's a gass and live's a grabber. Hip is hip and groove is groovy. Live's a wild Fellini movie. When that hairy fist of silence slugs us, bugs us, puts us down... hm, we'll all wing it, we'll all sing it: Guy Lombardo's back in town!

Lily Munster:
Oh dear, I think he's going to recite!

Herman Munster:
Ibbedy bibbedy, sibbedy sab. Ibbediy bibbedy canal boat. Dictonary down the ferry. Mary, Mary quite contrary. Ehm... Fuzzy Wuzzy was a bear, Fuzzy Wuzzy lost his hair. Scooba doo and scooba dye. That's chicken's not too young to fry. Live is real, live is ernest. If you're cold, turn up the furnace. Eh, I, I thank you. [riotous aplause]

Man with the beard:
Man, that guy is deep!

Grandpa:
And what is this, Tijuana phone book?

Herman Munster:
No, this is my Twenty Easy Lessons. See, here's a chapter on how to follow men, see... here's a chapter on how to follow women... and here's a chapter on how to follow men disguised as women.

Mr. Kempner:
[Lily is describing her husband to a pair of detectives] Ears?

Lily Munster:
Hm. Two. Well, they're not a matched set, but only the family can tell.

Lily Munster:
Herman has a very distinctive latern jaw and piercing eyes. And ah, classic nose... oh, and an overhanging forehead.

Mr. Kempner:
An overhanging forehead?

Lily Munster:
Yes, it keeps the water out of his eyes when he's in the shower.

Lily Munster:
I'd hate to lose Herman... he's one in a million.

Mike:
[after Lily leaves the office] One in a million? From the description I'd say the odds are a lot higher.

Marilyn Munster:
Why all the formality, Aunt Lily? It almost seems like the reading of a will...

Lily Munster:
I'm afraid it's not that happy an occasion.

Lily Munster:
Herman, I'm so sorry. I never should have blamed you for doing anything wrong, pussycat. I'll never mistrust you again, in all my lives.

Herman Munster:
There, there, Lily, I forgive you dear, but I always want you to remember this. I want you to remember one thing: In the great vegetable market of life, I have never been one to pinch the tomatos.

Lily Munster:
With all these problems, I've been neglecting my house to house calls.

Marilyn Munster:
Well, Bundles for Transylvania is a worthy cause. Why back in the old country, they should get down on all fours and thank you for what you've done.

Herman Munster:
Lily, you may not believe this, but I'm secret agent 702.

Lily Munster:
Herman, you may not believe this, but I'm Sonny Liston.

[Knocks him out with one right hook]

Herman Munster:
I saw this add in a magazine at Mrs. Andrews house for something where I can't fail.

Grandpa:
What is?

Herman Munster:
I'm gonna study hairdressing in my own time and make a fortune with my own beauty parlor!

Lily Munster:
[Grandpa and Herman are arguing] Oh stop it you two! You'll wake the dead again!

Grandpa:
That's right Lily, go right ahead, take his side. But I know what's going on, you just can't wait to see me in my grave.

Lily Munster:
Oh Grandpa, we've seen you there lots of times before.

Grandpa:
The next time you see me around this place, I won't be here!

Lily Munster:
[about Grandpa] Last time we had a family spat, he turned himself into a frog and lived under the porch for weeks.

Herman Munster:
Yes, and I've never seen him happier. He could croak every night.

Grandpa:
You see Eddie, in the great poker game of life, it's time Grandpa cashed in his chips.

Herman Munster:
I'm the one who let him go, I'll go get him. And don't worry dear, I'll bring him back, dead or alive.

Lily Munster:
Oh Herman, you're always so optimistic.

Herman Munster:
Lily, I feel terribly conspicuous dressed the way we are for such a shabby place.

Lily Munster:
Well, let's hope it'll be nicer inside and not one of those beatnik joints. If there's anything I can't stand, its weird people.

The Woman:
Excuse me deary, I was just admiring your ring.

Lily Munster:
Oh, thank you.

The Woman:
Oh, it's simply gorgeous. Rhinestone?

Lily Munster:
Oh, no, no, tombstone.

The Night Club Manager:
[watching the Munsters leave] Boy, there's a real showbiz family for ya. They even go home with their make-up on.

Lily Munster:
[watching Grandpa's magic act] His magic's been getting so rusty.

Herman Munster:
I know... The way he's been carrying on lately, he couldn't produce a rabbit on Easter Sunday.

Lily Munster:
Marilyn, are you sure you won't be frightened staying here alone?

Marilyn Munster:
Oh of course not, Aunt Lily, how could I be frightened staying in a friendly old house like this?

Grandpa:
[clutching his heart and wincing] Herman! Herman please! I asked you never to pound stakes when I'm around. You know it gives me heartburn!

Herman Munster:
If there's anything I hate, it's a smart-alec Robin!

Eddie Munster:
Goodnight mom, if there's any thunder or lightning, be sure to wake me up. I wouldn't want to miss it!

Lily Munster:
Oh, Herman, isn't it a lovely night?

Herman Munster:
Yes. I hope the moon doesn't come out and spoil it all.

Eddie Munster:
Mom, can I go to the Ranger's station and pet Grandpa?

Willard:
Did you hear what she said? She called it her father.

Mr. Haskell:
I've heard of people treating their pets as one of the family, but this is a new one.

Willard:
What do you think, Mr. Haskell?

Mr. Haskell:
Why couldn't the park department have assigned me to Squirrel Valley, where all the nuts are up in the trees!

Lily Munster:
Oh Herman, we've got to get him out of his cage tonight. Tomorrow they're shipping him off to the New York Zoo!

Eddie Munster:
Yeah, you gotta get Grandpa. Some kids are always bragging about their grandpas in heaven, what are they gonna say when I tell 'em my grandpa's in the zoo?

Herman Munster:
From now on the most dangerous thing Grandpa is gonna turn into is a one-way street!

Grandpa:
[taking a bite from a sword] Now that's how to cook a sword!

Lily Munster:
Now Grandpa, what do you mean, you don't know? Are you sure you don't have a wife in Sioux city?

Grandpa:
Well, I'm pretty sure, you know after all I've been married quite a few times, and, a man 378 years old does have a tendency to outlive a wife or two.

Lily Munster:
[about Grandpa] Just between you and me, you know those fangs he's always talking about? They're just dentures.

Grandpa:
Boy, some women will to any lengths to snare a handsome rascal.

Pamela Thornton:
You come right on in and let me poor you a nice glass of champagne.

Grandpa:
[stuttering] Er, thank you, but you see, we Dracula's don't drink wine.

Herman Munster:
[Herman and Grandpa are browsing an old family album] Oh look, isn't that Uncle Boris?

Grandpa:
[points at a picture of a man standing under a noose] That's Uncle Boris alright. He was a real swinger.

Grandpa:
[Grandpa and Herman are looking at Herman and Lily's wedding picture] The date's right here in the corner. 1865... Herman, doesn't that date mean anything to you?

Herman Munster:
Let me see. Oh yeah, I've got it, that was the beginning of the war of 1812!

Eddie Munster:
I'm gonna give some of my desert to Spot while it's still burning.

Herman Munster:
You know, Grandpa, when the chips are down, it's nice to have a no good sneak like you to turn to.

Marilyn Munster:
[to Aunt Lily] It sure is a shame you had to go through five different interviewers today down at the employment agency. At least they finally gave you a job.

Grandpa:
If they both find out that they're working there, it will spoil it for both of them.

Marilyn Munster:
Well, we'll just make a promise not to tell either of them.

Grandpa:
Okay, good, and we'll swear it in blood [raises her arm to take a bite]

Marilyn Munster:
Oh, uh uh, we'll just shake hands.

Grandpa:
I'm shaking hands, but I'm thinking blood.

Herman Munster:
That lady welder and I are just friends. Just because I'm a welder, you know, doesn't mean I'm carrying a torch for her.

Grandpa:
After you hear what I have to say, your marriage will be peaches and cream again.

Herman Munster:
I hate peaches.

Lily Munster:
I hate cream!

Eddie Munster:
Isn't that neat?

Grandpa:
Isn't that touching?

Marilyn Munster:
Isn't that romantic?

The Raven:
Isn't that sickening?

Eddie Munster:
I guess it's okay for pop to have a hobby.

Lily Munster:
Yes, but I hope he doesn't get into trouble with this one. Remember last time? He tried to make a ship inside a bottle. We had to break the bottle to get him out.

Herman Munster:
Almost three O'clock. Guess I'll go over and take a picture of the bank. I might run into some interesting shooting there.

Lou:
Hey green boy, how come you're not in the living room?

Herman Munster:
Well I just came in here to stall- eh, I, I mean to see if you were comfortable.

Herman Munster:
Say, have you two guys ever heard the joke about the astronaut and the Playboy bunny?

Sgt. Baker:
No.

Herman Munster:
Well I wish you had, it sounds like a great one.

Herman Munster:
[handling the paper] Let's see. To pick a loser...

Grandpa:
Herman. Why don't you let Lily pick one for you? She picked a loser when she married you.

Lily Munster:
You mean to say that Herman couldn't pick a winner on his own?

Grandpa:
Lily, he couldn't pick a jack rabbit out of a herd of turtles.

Big Roy:
[to Herman] Buddy, you got a great combination: Royal Flush or Cement Overcoat.

Grandpa:
[pointing out the headlines] Eddie, you see there: Bookraking Ring smashed. Courageous citizen spills beans on mob.

Herman Munster:
And It just so happens I was the courageous citizen who spilled his beans.

Marilyn Munster:
Oh, Uncle Herman, you're the greatest father image since Lorne Greene.

Herman Munster:
Eddie should go to college, after all, his father was a college man.

Lily Munster:
How long were you in the Heidelberg University, dear?

Herman Munster:
How long? I was in their medical school for six years... in several different jars.

Grandpa:
Yes Lily, your husband was a man of parts!

Lily Munster:
[Herman is on the phone] Well, I hope that's not another salesman on the phone trying to sell us more cemetery plots. We have enought trouble making the payments on this place without thinking of resort property.

Herman Munster:
Grandpa, don't you know curiousity killed the bat?

Grandpa:
But satisfaction brought him back!

Grandpa:
I saw the match on television, I haven't seen such a dive since I was forced down by a vulture over Transylvania!

Grandpa:
This is not just a wrestling match, this is a shining crusade, a contest on the battlefield of life that will lead you a stronger and nobler person.

Herman Munster:
Really?

Grandpa:
Of course, the next bum comes along, get in there and kick him in the teeth!

Grandpa:
Abracadabra and Asee Dosee, Alakazam and Bela Lugosi!

Grandpa:
My father and I were very close. And he used to give me such wonderful advice. I remember one day he said to me: son, as you go through life, always bury your mistakes.

Lily Munster:
Bury your mistakes?

Grandpa:
Yes, you see, my father never believed in divorce.

Leo Durocher:
've never seen a place like this in my life, not even in Brooklyn!

Leo Durocher:
I have a business propostion for Mr. Munster, and I wonder if, eh, I could talk to you alone?

Herman Munster:
Eh, eh, certainly. Would you excuse us?

Lily Munster:
Of course, dear.

Grandpa:
In case you need me, Herman, just give me a howl.

Marilyn Munster:
[Lily, Marilyn and Grandpa move off] I wonder what the business propostion is, Aunt Lily.

Lily Munster:
I don't know, but the last time a man talked to Herman alone, he wound up buying a second hand Edsel!

Charlie Hodges:
Hey Leo, where's this great prospect you were telling me about?

Leo Durocher:
He's in the clubhouse, getting his uniform on. He'll be right out.

Charlie Hodges:
Hey, what's he like?

Leo Durocher:
Well, he's no matinee idol, but oh, you, know, it's a whole family, it's a weird set up. Eh, they all look like a bunch of wedbacks from the petrified forrest.

Charlie Hodges:
I never saw anything like it!

Leo Durocher:
I don't know whether to sign him with the Dodgers or send him to Vietnam!

Lily Munster:
I think this whole thing is ridiculous! Imagine, Herman, a grown man of a 150 years old, playing baseball with young men of 55 and 60.

Lily Munster:
Oh Herman, you must realize how much we all love you and need you, each in our own way. And I most of all.

Herman Munster:
Thank you Lily. [Herman starts sobbing]

Herman Munster:
Now look what you've made me do! I haven't cried like this since they canceled 'Kukla, Fran and Ollie'.

Grandpa:
What good is crying over spilled blood?

Herman Munster:
Eh, may I ask what you have in the pillowcase?

Eddie Munster:
Just the stuff I'll need to last me for the next twenty years.

Herman Munster:
Twenty years? Well, I hope you had enough forethought to include a razor.

Eddie Munster:
No, 'cause I'm gonna grow a beard and let rats build their nests in it.

The Raven:
[squawks] Nine O'clock and where's the kid? [Lily slams the door on the bird]

Grandpa:
Your eyes are alright. Probably as good as the day they were put in.

Lily Munster:
[abou Herman] Oh dear, he just has to pass that driving test. If he doesn't, he'll lose his job. And you know how reluctant companies are to hire people when they're up in their 150s.

Mr. Howell:
Well, I, eh, I see by your application that you're aplying for a commercial license. Eh, you're going to be a cab driver?

Herman Munster:
Eh, you might say that. Eh, sort of a one way cab driver.

Charlie Wiggens:
[Herman has to take an eye-test] Now then. You see this chart?

Herman Munster:
Yes.

Charlie Wiggens:
You passed.

Lily Munster:
[about the raven] When is that silly bird gonna get girls of his mind?

The Raven:
Ne'er more, ne'er more.

Eddie Munster:
[Grandpa, Herman and Eddie are out fishing] Golly, I haven't had a bite since we got here.

Grandpa:
Patience, Eddie, patience.

Eddie Munster:
But gee, wouldn't it be better if we fished in a stream with water?

Herman Munster:
Eddie, anyone can fish in a stream with water in it. This is a challenge. The kind of challenge the youth of today is so badly in need off.

Lily Munster:
It's so hard to find a good vacationing spot since the closed down Devil's Island.

Grandpa:
[sighs] Some daughters marry doctors, some daughters marry dentists, you had to marry Henny Youngman.

Lily Munster:
Don't you just love to watch a fire?

Grandpa:
Lily, I've seen Chicago, San Francisco and the burning of Rome. You've seen one, you've seen them all.

Eddie Munster:
Boy, mom, you sure have a lot of recipies here. Cesar salad, beef Stroganoff, Napoleon brandy, Bloody Mary.

Lily Munster:
Yes Eddie, and at one time or another, they were all friends of the family.

Lily Munster:
Silly bird. When is he going to stop picking that mailmans bag?

The Raven:
Ne'er more, ne'er more.

Lily Munster:
That's a good boy, Eddie. You polish Spotty's scales 'till you can see your face in them.

Grandpa:
Where is the, eh, poor innocent victim?

Marilyn Munster:
Uncle Herman came home a couple of minutes ago. took one look at that telegram, the green completely drained out of his face, he ran up to his room and hid in the closet.

Grandpa:
[sighs] Problems, problems, problems. Sometimes I wish I were back in the old country, where my biggest worry was who to put the bite on for three square meals a day.

Grandpa:
[reading Herman's goodbye note] Goodbye forever. I can never raise 20.000 dollars, so I'm doing the noble thing by running away like a rotten coward.

Lily Munster:
P.S. If someday my miserable bones are washed up on a desert island, do not bother to send for them, as they won't be worth the parcel post charges. Signed Herman Munster, ratfink.

Lily Munster:
[jumping in front of Herman who is facing a firing squad] Shoot if you must this square, green head, but you'll have to kill me first, she said.

The Movie Director:
I haven't had this much trouble since I worked with Liz and Dick.

Lily Munster:
So you see Herman, when that woman hit you with her car, she thought she disfigured you.

Herman Munster:
Well I just don't understand it, it was the same handsome face I've had all my life.

Lily Munster:
It's like I always say: you should never leave the house without shaving.

Herman Munster:
Good evening, all. Did I overhear my sweet little offshoot contemplating homicide?

Grandpa:
A bully was picking on Eddie at school. Eddie just wants to massacre him.

Lily Munster:
Eddie, you should always listen to your father, because under that sweet, boyish countenance, he has the wisdom and understanding of an Art Linkletter.

Grandpa:
[rolling his eyes] Oh boy!

Jack McGinty:
Next time I see you, I'm gonna tear your nose off and put it on backwards. When you sneeze, you'll blow your brains out!

Herman Munster:
Eddie, as Sonny Liston said after his last fight: I think it's time to sit down and reevaluate our philosophy.

Eddie Munster:
I thought you didn't like violence, pop?

Herman Munster:
Well, I don't, son, but I think we should be prepaired at all times, and we don't want any more black eyes, do we?

Eddie Munster:
Uhuh, if we don't do something by tomorrow, we'll run out of eyes.

Herman Munster:
[shouting] Nobody calls me 'old droopy drawers' and gets away with it!

Lily Munster:
Eddie, go to your room.

Eddie Munster:
But mom, us guys are having a ball clobbering guys.

Herman Munster:
I can't impose on Mr. Gateman, he's been so kind to me! He send me that get well card when I was hit by that Diesel locomotive. At Christmas time he send me that big basket of rotten fruit from California. It was so thoughtful of him, I ate it all.

Grandpa:
You're a hard luck guy. If you found the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow, there'd be a tax collector sitting on the lid.

Herman Munster:
As we say in business: Let's not start scratching 'till we know where the fleas are biting.

Lily Munster:
What I want to know is, what's Herman been doing this past week after he left the house every morning?

Grandpa:
He's been out looking for work. He's had five jobs in five days. You can't ask for a better record than that, he's a perfect failure!

Mr. Gateman:
But he demanded an increase in salary. I'm afraid down here, were not used to raising people.

Lily Munster:
I tell you, Pussycat looks up to you the way Richard Chamberlain looks up to Raymond Massey.

Mr. Gateman:
Mrs. Munster, that's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me.

Herman Munster:
[to grandpa] You look terrible. All the blood's drained out of your eyeballs.

Mr. Haggerty:
Name?

Lily Munster:
Mrs. Lily Munster.

Mr. Haggerty:
[writing it down] Lily...

Lily Munster:
Oh, if you don't mind, I'd rather use my maiden name.

Mr. Haggerty:
Well, that's entirely up to you, eh, what is your maiden name?

Lily Munster:
Dracula.

Mr. Haggerty:
Dracula? That's, an... unusual name.

Lily Munster:
Oh, not at all. Why, back in the old country the woods are full of them.

Mr. Haggerty:
Age?

Lily Munster:
137.

Mr. Haggerty:
No, no, not your weight, your age.

Lily Munster:
That is my age.

Marilyn Munster:
What is Ramon like?

Lily Munster:
Well, he looks a little bit like Cary Grant. Poor man.

Lily Munster:
Hello dear. [kisses Herman on the cheek]

Grandpa:
[thinking Lily is cheating on Herman] Can you spare it?

Herman Munster:
This may lead to bloodshed.

Grandpa:
Oh, Herman, this is not time to be looking at the bright side!

Marilyn Munster:
Well maybe Grandpa could help us out. He's very well off.

Lily Munster:
He was, he was. You know the expression, "You can't take it with you? Well Grandpa did. [Lily walks to the doorway then turns around] The only trouble was -- he forgot to bring it back.

Herman Munster:
Now, are there any questions?

Grandpa:
Eh, yes, there is one. Eh, why do we need a master plan to go to a drive-in movie?

Lily Munster:
Grandpa, Herman has a very mechanical brain. In fact, I believe it once used to belong to an old mechanic.

Lily Munster:
What movie is playing tonight, Herman?

Herman Munster:
'The Beast that ate Louin New Jersey', a critical succes from coast to coast.

Herman Munster:
The last time you hypnoticed me, I woke up in the morning and my wallet was gone.

Grandpa:
Herman, that was just a coincidence.

Lily Munster:
It's times like this when it's comforting to have a father who's a mad scientist.

Grandpa:
Shucks, why do I always wake up in the middle of a perfect nightmare?

Lily Munster:
[to Grandpa] Well, do something! Don't just sit there enjoying the obituaries!

Herman Munster:
I'm in a soriety house. And in a sorority house they have girls. And a married man in a soriety house full of girls means only one thing: San Quintin.

Lily Munster:
[on the phone] Herman? Oh, oh, you, you great big sweet lump of sweetness, you're safe!

Eddie Munster:
Boy, wait till I tell all the kids at school that my very own grandfather was a jailbird.

Grandpa:
Not a jailbird, a jailbat!

Herman Munster:
What was the charge again, Grandpa? First degree chicken chasing? [laughs heartilly]

Lily Munster:
[Grandpa is sowing a skirt for Marilyn] Oh, these remnants that Herman brings home from the lining room at the parlour make lovely pleated skirts.

Marilyn Munster:
And Grandpa, you're so good at sowing things together.

Lily Munster:
Well, with Herman in the family, you develop a knack for it.

Lily Munster:
There goes a fine husband.

Marilyn Munster:
There goes a fine father.

Grandpa:
There goes a nut if I've ever seen one.

Grandpa:
So far Herman has had him praticing at three events this morning, and he's gotten worse at each one.

Grandpa:
[to Igor the Bat] Quiet, stupid, you're not a bird. You're a mouse, who joined the Transylvania Air Corps.

Lily Munster:
Oh father, you make everything so clear and concise and logical. It's almost like having David Brinkley for a daddy.

Lily Munster:
[not trusting Grandpa's crystal ball] That crystal ball has never been the same since Spot sat on it for three days and tried to hatch it.

Herman Munster:
I'm going scuba diving, dear. Eh, and If I run into any any tasty looking scuba's, I'll spear one, we can clean it and have it for supper.

Commissar:
Oh, to be embarrassed in front of our glorious leader like this! By the way, who is our glorious leader this month?

Eddie Munster:
Come on, Grandpa, let's find a spot where I can burry you in the sand.

Grandpa:
Okay Eddie, but this time, bury me deep. I don't want any crazy dogs digging me up like last time.

Marilyn Munster:
How could a grown man go out for a harmless little swim and wind up being captured by the Russians as a spy?

Grandpa:
I'll admit it's difficult, but in all the world, only my son is law has the talent to do anything that stupid.

Marilyn Munster:
Is the hamper all packed, Aunt Lily?

Lily Munster:
Yes, yes, oh, I've even brought a jar of ants.

Grandpa:
Good idea.

Lily Munster:
Yes, it would be just our luck to get there and have none of the little dears show up and spoil our picnic.

John:
[picks up the phone] Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall, the Cisco Kid is having a ball.

Charlie:
Never mind John, you don't have to use the code, it's me, Charlie.

Blinky:
Hey boss, would you get a load of that customer that just walked in?

Fair Deal Dan:
Must be a circus in town. He's probably on his lunch break from the freak show.

Grandpa:
Herman, what's the matter? Are you afraid of your own shadow?

Herman Munster:
No I'm not! I've seen it lotsa times. It hardly scares me at all. Any more.

Marilyn Munster:
Oh dear, I just feel as though it's all my fault.

Grandpa:
Now Marilyn, don't blame yourself. Your uncle Herman is a born loser.

Lily Munster:
Grandpa, you know that Herman is a kind, trusting soul, with a great faith in his fellow human being.

Grandpa:
You know a better way to be a loser?

Lily Munster:
Grandpa, isn't it wonderful the way Marilyn's handicap brings out the natural sweetness in people?

Herman Munster:
[Eddie is running around the room pretending to be a race car driver and speaking in racetrack lingo] Lily, I wish you'd keep the front door closed, some strange boy just got in here and is speaking some foreign language.

Marilyn Munster:
I don't know why uncle Herman wants to get become mixed up in racing.

Lily Munster:
You know Herman, he always has to be a hero to his son.

Marilyn Munster:
But I didn't know he knew anything about automobiles. He's really full of surprises.

Lily Munster:
Full of surprises? You should have seen his X-rays after his last physical. They're some things in there that the doctor's couldn't figure out at all.

Grandpa:
Well, there he is, my son in law, the 150 year old teenage punk.

Herman Munster:
Well, aren't you gonna wish me luck, Grandpa?

Grandpa:
[Grandpa waves his hand a little] Drop dead!

Sandy Baylor:
That's Eddie and his dad!

'Leadfoot' Baylor:
Oh. Well, from the looks of his dad's face, he's been in some very bad smash ups.

Grandpa:
[reading the paper] Hmm, listen to this! It says, in the next three game series, the Yankees will be out for blood. I tell ya that's a lot more fun than playing baseball!

Lily Munster:
Herman, this is the worst thing you've done since you bought us that mausoleum at the cemetery, and we couldn't move in because there were no kitchen privileges.

Herman Munster:
How did I know it was a restricted community and they wouldn't take live people?

Herman Munster:
[admiring the Drag-u-la] Those organ pipes are a very nice exhaust.

Grandpa:
I'll have you know, Herman, that this is the only dragster in America that can play 'Oh, promise me' in second gear.

Lily Munster:
You know, Eddie, I used to be a great racing fan back in Transylvania. Oh, I had such gay times going to the wolf tracks and betting on our family.

Lily Munster:
[Eddie is chewing on a couple of rusty nails] Eddie, stop biting your nails.

Marilyn Munster:
Oh, Uncle Herman, you're all heart.

Herman Munster:
Oh, no I'm not, er, there's lots of other junk in here.

Grandpa:
Look Herman, take my advice: don't try to be noble, just learn to mind you're own business. That's just what I've been doing ever since I told that Napoleon fellow to take that short cut through Waterloo.

Walt:
You know, sometimes I just don't dig that Eddie.

Roger:
Me too. I wouldn't mess around with 'em except for the neat way he opens up cans. With his ears!

Grandpa:
I got it in here somewhere, let me see, what do we have here? Heh. Oh, a rabbit's foot carried by General Custer. Oh, Mother's day card from Lizzie Borden. Compas off the Titanic. Ah! Here it is! [cackles with glee] My radio direction finder.

Herman Munster:
Direction finder? Grandpa, that's just an old fashioned divining rod!

Grandpa:
True, true, heh, but I had it transistorized last month! [dials show that the direction finder can be set to find Water, Girls, Metal and Flying Objects]

Eddie Munster:
Hey mom, how come Grandpa and dad aren't having dinner with us?

Lily Munster:
Well, Grandpa said they had to go out tonight on important business.

Eddie Munster:
But Grandpa didn't even take his shuffle!

Eddie Munster:
Hey mom, maybe dad's out playing poker with some men , and when he comes home you'll have to yell at him and make him sleep on the sofa.

Lily Munster:
Eddie! Where did you get ideas like that?

Eddie Munster:
From television.

Lily Munster:
You see, Marylin. It's just the way I told you. Those shows on television about horrible families have a definite effect on children.

Herman Munster:
[Grandpa and Herman think they've found a Martian spaceship] Grandpa, we're making history! We're Gallileo, Columbus and David Susskind all roled into one!

Eddie Munster:
Is pop home yet?

Lily Munster:
Not yet, dear. But be patient. He'll be home in two shakes of a wherewolf's tail.

Marilyn Munster:
[about Uncle Herman's amnesia] Maybe he can get another hit on the head? That cures amnesia in the movies.

Grandpa:
Say, that's a good idea. I'll go down and get a sledgehammer.

Lily Munster:
I thought you were coming as Rock Hudson? You look like Rudolph Valentino.

Grandpa:
Musta have gotten a hold of some old pills. Well, at least I'm still in the 20th century.

Herman Munster:
[Herman has amnesia and has been legally adopted by Lily] Oh mommy?

Lily Munster:
Yes?

Herman Munster:
I just remembered

Lily Munster:
[hopeful] You did?

Herman Munster:
I remember I keep forgetting to ask you what happened to your husband?

Lily Munster:
Well, he... he...

Grandpa:
Well, he, he's no longer with us.

Lily Munster:
Oh, that's too bad. I sure would like a poppa. Even Captain Midnight has a poppa.

Lily Munster:
We hope he may come back someday

Lily Munster:
I certainly hope so. But if he doesn't, I'm sure a keen looking chick like you will have no trouble finding a new one.

Herman Munster:
[shouting] Grandpa, chow time!

Grandpa:
[shouts back over the noise of his machinery] Just start without me. I'm inventing a machine that's going to achieve on world peace!

Lily Munster:
We're having broiled shark and tossed centipede salad.

Grandpa:
[to himself] Well, the world waited this long, it can wait a bit longer.

Herman Munster:
[talking to himself] As head of the household, it is my duty to see what my sneaky old father-in-law is up to.

Dr. Dudley:
Mr. Munster?

Herman Munster:
[very small voice] Yes doctor?

Dr. Dudley:
It is my considered, expert medical oppinon, that that bolt of lightning was your good fairy.

Grandpa:
Look what I found, tucked a way in my files:

Herman Munster:
What is it, plans for a condominium in Transylvania?

Grandpa:
No, It's your original blueprint!

Lily Munster:
The original?

Grandpa:
Correct!

Lily Munster:
The one they followed when they, when they put him together?

Herman Munster:
How did you get it?

Grandpa:
[reading the inscription] To our favorite Count Dracula, a souvenir from Dr. Frankenstein and all the guys and galls.

Lily Munster:
Isn't that sweet.

Herman Munster:
['Aunt' Herman is off to work as a cocktail waitress] Good night, dear [blows Lily a kiss]

Lily Munster:
Goodnight, dear. [blows a kiss in return] Oh, eh, don't let the customers get fresh.

Grandpa:
Hmm, what smells so good?

Herman Munster:
[quite grumpy] I cut myself shaving.

Herman Munster:
Charlie Munster is a scoundrel and a con-artist from way back. Why, the doctor who put him together didn't have an honest bone in his whole laboratory.

Grandpa:
Oh, Herman, you're just jealous. Why, having Charlie here in the house is like a breath of fresh earth.

Herman Munster:
Lily, he's heard about those five thousand dollars your grandmother left you the last time she died. He's hear to cheat you out of it with that uranium machine.

Lily Munster:
[Grandpa has just disappeared in a puff of smoke] I wish he wouldn't do that, it gets ashes all over the floor!

Charlie Munster:
[on the phone] I'm on my way now, with the loot. I gotta blow town quick before my brother finds out.

Leo 'Knuckles' Kraus:
[on the other end] And Charlie, don't do anything cute, or your frame will float.

Herman Munster:
[to Lily] If you don't learn to be more careful, the next time Grandma dies, she'll leave the money to someone else.

Herman Munster:
And after I'm finished with this, I'm gonna kick Charlie out of here, every lock, stock and monocle of him.

Charlie Munster:
For the first time in my life, I've been forced to look myself in the face, and it's a pretty frightening picture.

Herman Munster:
I get the feeling I've just been insulted!

Lily Munster:
Grandpa, how about you? Would you like to take me to the movies?

Grandpa:
Movies? What's playing?

Lily Munster:
'The Killer Werewolf' and 'Vampires of Blood Alley'.

Grandpa:
Lily, I go to the movies for escapism. I don't wanna see every day people doing every day things.

Grandpa:
Boy, I ain't kidding, there must be a lot of hanky panky goes on in that business! [Grandpa and Herman laugh heartily]

Herman Munster:
I just remembered. The hanky they'll be playing panky with is my wife!

Marilyn Munster:
Eddie, have seen your father and grandpa?

Eddie Munster:
Oh, they're down in the dungeon, working on something. It must be real neat, because when I knocked on the dungeon door, they told me to get lost! Do you suppose they're trying to figure out some way to keep mom from working?

Marilyn Munster:
[scornfully] Eddie, where did you hear about that? Some people have awfully large ears!

Eddie Munster:
Neat, isn't it?

Herman Munster:
[Grandpa hands Herman a 'Texas Playboy' pill] Why are the Texas pills so big?

Grandpa:
Well, only one eight is chemical, the rest is balloney.

Irving:
Mr. Brastoff, I have such news for you that I think I shall just to to pieces.

Laszlo Brastoff:
Irving, you're stealing my thunder!

Marilyn Munster:
If there's anything I can do for you, please call me.

Chester Skinner:
Thank you very much. Oh, is there a phone in there?

Marilyn Munster:
Oh yes, we put one in when we decided to rent the room. That will save you from running down to the coffin in the hall.

Herman Munster:
I am not jealous. Why should I care if some smooth mannered, well talking tenant moves right in and tries to take over my image as ruler of the roost?

Herman Munster:
[about Chester] If he's gonna run off with my wife, I wanna make sure he's a man of principles.

Lily Munster:
[having just walked in on Herman and Grandpa spying through binoculars] Herman Munster, are you looking at Mrs. Kelly doing her deep knee bends again?

Herman Munster:
Lily dear, there's going to be a showdown between the forces of virtue and the forces of sin. Just like in Dick Tracy.

Lily Munster:
Herman , haha, you're so cute. You give me vulture bumps all over.

Herman Munster:
I do have a certain build in charm...

Herman Munster:
What are you doing sitting here, here in the kitchen? Don't tell me Spot ate the living room furniture again?

Herman Munster:
Listen you two, I am against promoting romance, It will lead to no good.

Grandpa:
We don't want it to lead to any good, we want it to lead to marriage.

Marilyn Munster:
What's the matter?

Alan Benson:
There's something coming up out of the floor and it's got fangs!

Marilyn Munster:
Oh, that's just my little cousin Eddie.

Grandpa:
Shades of Tristan and Isolde, shoot me a lovebeam, straight from the shoulder!

Grandpa:
I haven't been to a wedding since I married my 140th wife.

Lily Munster:
I hope Marylin has as wonderful a wedding as we had, Herman. Oh, it was so touching when that mad scientist gave you away and they presented me with a copy of your blueprints.

Herman Munster:
Yes, dear. I just hope whereever Marylin is tonight. she's looking into a pair of eyes as romantic as mine.

Grandpa:
Don't let time or space detain ya, here you go, to Transylvania.

Herman Munster:
Every time there's a crisis, some boob has to telephone!

Herman Munster:
We were a little curious, where did you get all that gold?

Eddie Munster:
Yeah, uncle Gilbert, where did you get all those neat Spanish Dubloons and rare gold pieces?

Uncle Gilbert:
Oh, those! Why, Eddie my boy, that's, eh, loose change I picked up in ships and treasure chests lying around in my neighborhood.

Eddie Munster:
No foolin'?

Uncle Gilbert:
Sure, that's one reason I wouldn't live any place else in the world. Oh, there's a lot of advantages, my boy, to being the creature from the Black Lagoon.

Lily Munster:
Be careful, eh, those office parties can get a little wild...

Herman Munster:
Dear, eh, you don't have to worry about me, dear. I'm no Water Cooler Casanova. As a matter of fact, I'm so square, that I understand that some of the secretary's are starting to refer to me as Herman the Cube.

Lily Munster:
Now don't you think you should run along to bed?

Eddie Wolfgang Munster:
Okay.

Lily Munster:
Have you done everything? Have you put away your toys and brushed your fangs?

Herman Munster:
Grandpa, what am I going to do? I can't spend the rest of my married life sleeping on the couch and eating poon pits

Grandpa:
Herman, if you give in now, she'll have the upper hand forever. Aheh, But, If you hold out, she'll come around. That's the way to handle women!

Grandpa:
[Herman eats a prune pit] What are you doing?

Herman Munster:
Well, just in case she doesn't come around, I'm gonna get used to eating prune pits.

Grandpa:
Herman I hate to say it, but I think we're licked. Hm! I'm afraid you just don't have the personality and warmth you used to have. In other words, my boy, in that great furnace known as romance, your pilot light has gone out.

Dr. Harvey Baxter:
Now, tell me something about your background. For instance, where were you born?

Lily Munster:
Transylvania. My father is a Count.

Dr. Harvey Baxter:
And your husband?

Lily Munster:
No Count.

Dr. Harvey Baxter:
Bitterness is not the answer. I meant where was he born.

Lily Munster:
Oh, my husband was made, doctor, not born

Dr. Harvey Baxter:
Oh yes, of course, that's fine. Every woman should think her husband is a self made man.

Lily Munster:
Oh, he had help...

Dr. Harvey Baxter:
No look, tell me, is there another woman?

Lily Munster:
No, the doctor quit after Herman.

Grandpa Munster:
[after Herman wolfs down his food] Just like the old country. It does my heart good to see a man wolf his food.

Grandpa Munster:
[after a drunk Herman goes upstairs to a mad Lilly] In the mood she's in, she's liable to tear him to pieces. Good thing I'm good at jigsaw puzzles. I'd better hit the slab before the trouble starts.

Herman Munster:
Eh Doctor, I think your secretary is taking a sunbath. She jumped out the window and ran up the fire escape to the roof.

Grandpa:
When Herman and Lilly think their little boy is sick, they'll be so worried, it will bring them back together.

Marilyn Munster:
Grandpa, you're a psychologist!

Grandpa:
No I'm not, it's a trick I learned from watching old Shirley Temple movies.

Herman Munster:
Marilyn, I ask you, am I too fat?

Marilyn Munster:
Well...

Herman Munster:
Never mind!

Grandpa:
What are you yelling at Marilyn for, I mean don't you know that fat men are supposed to be jolly?

Dr. Dudley:
[unable to see without his glasses, doctor thinks Herman's hand is a dog] Now look, I told you once, you gotta get the dog outta here.

Herman Munster:
Doc, that's my hand.

Dr. Dudley:
You mean you were born with this?

Herman Munster:
No, someone else was. And I'll always be grateful. Not everyone will give you a hand when you need one.

Dr. Dudley:
[after exanining an unconsious Herman] I hate to say this, but, eh, you called me a little too late. There's nothing more I can do.

Lily Munster:
What do you mean? This is just a fainting spell, he's had these before.

Grandpa:
Well, about eight or nine times in the last one hundred years!

Grandpa:
That doctor is ill. He shouldn't be allowed around sick people!

Lily Munster:
Well, it was very nice of Mrs. Farber not to send for the police after the way Herman acted.

Marilyn Munster:
Mrs. Farber was very understanding. As a matter of fact, she said whenever her husband goes on a diet, he acts hardly human. Becomes a regular fiend.

Lily Munster:
Eddie, I am very upset with you this morning. I told to keep Spot's water dish filled out in the yard. Last night he got thirsty, he went down the street, and drained Mr. and Mrs. Haslett's pool.

Eddie Munster:
Oh, I'm sorry, I forgot.

Lily Munster:
Well Mrs. Haslett just phoned. She was very embarrassed when her husband went out for his morning dip, and dove into an empty pool.

Marilyn Munster:
What kind of a neigborhood is this, where people begrudge a poor dumb animal a drink of water?

J. R. Finlater:
This is a big city, Alfred. Somewhere there must be a big stupid guy with a face that looks like it's been in an accident before it happens.

Lily Munster:
What's new in the paper, Grandpa?

Grandpa:
Oh, nothing much. Hey, the New York Museum is sending some archeologists to Transylvania.

Lily Munster:
Hm, well I hope they don't dig up anyone we know.

J. R. Finlater:
[talking about Herman] Did you ever see such a face?

Alfred Swanson:
That's a face?

J. R. Finlater:
It must be, he's talking out of it.

Alfred Swanson:
That's the first time I ever saw a ready made victim.

Herman Munster:
They asked me down their office and I signed the contract and they start shooting me tomorrow.

Lily Munster:
Shooting you?

Herman Munster:
Lily, that's a showbusiness expression, like, eh, roll 'em, lights, action, anchors away, that kind of stuff.

Lily Munster:
Oh Herman, I just can't wait to see your face on a wide screen. Forty feet wide and twenty feet tall. The audience's eyes will just pop out!

Marilyn Munster:
[noticing the title of the book Herman is carrying] The Method Actor?

Herman Munster:
One must dig deep to come up with the perfect character.

Grandpa:
You're telling me! That's how I found my first ten wives!

Lily Munster:
Herman, you had us so worried, one of these days you'll put us all in an early grave.

Grandpa:
Isn't that just like Lily, always looking at the bright side of things.

Alfred Swanson:
Yeah, J.R., I think the big goon finally got wise to us. I think our next move is to get out of town.

J. R. Finlater:
Yeah, but first we're gonna make a little call on our friend Herman Munster, and put him on permanent suspension in that big movie studio in the sky!

Alfred Swanson:
[arriving at the Munster's house] Gee, what a creepy place. Looks like rigor mortis set in.

J. R. Finlater:
Yeah, It's about to set in on Mr. Herman Munster!

Spot:
[Lets out a burst of flame]

Lily Munster:
Don't panic Spot! Turn down your burner, give us a chance to think!

J. R. Finlater:
[Falls out of the 4th story door to the street below]

Herman Munster:
[while towering over the other con-man in a menacing manner] I think you guys are trying to hurt me. I might get very angry! I might just call the Better Business Bureau on you... so there!

Herman Munster:
[after J. R. gets buried in bricks from a stunt that backfired on him] I never knew making pictures was so hard on writers and directors.

Lily Munster:
Who were you calling?

Herman Munster:
Oh, I was just trying to make an appointment at that new barbershop.

Lily Munster:
What's wrong with your old barber?

Herman Munster:
Oh Lily, he always made me very nervous, dear, the way he'd always blindfold himself before he'd give me a shave.

Lily Munster:
Are you sure that silly sleeping pill of yours will wake him up at ten tonight?

Grandpa:
Hm. Sure I'm sure! I'll bet one of my lives on it.

Thatcher:
Miss, this is our curator, Dr. Wilkerson...

Lily Munster:
How do you do? I was just admiring your museum. You have such lovely dead things on exhibit.

Dr. Wilkerson:
What do you think, Thatcher?

Thatcher:
Well sir, when the visitors start looking weirder than the exhibits, I think it's time to get out of the museum business.

Eddie Munster:
It's real neat having you back, pop. While you were gone I had to mess up my homework by myself!

Policeman:
Boy, I was on the drunk detail for four years, I never saw anybody as stiff as this!

Lily Munster:
Oh Grandpa! Why can't you experiment on white mice like any other normal mad scientist?

Herman Munster:
If there's anything that's disturbs me, Lily, it's the idea of grown people, like us, dressing up in costume and looking ridiculous.

Albert Daly:
Oh dad, thanks very much for putting in a word with mom. If we invite Marilyn's folks, well, it will really help me out with her. You know how it is.

Tom Daly:
Son, I haven't known how it is for years. [walks off]

Grandpa:
They didn't invite me? Well, I've never been so insulted since they day I died.

Eddie Munster:
[gazing out the window on a stormy night] Boy, look at the neat lightning. I sure hope it hits our house!

Herman Munster:
[Lily is dressed as Little Bo Peep] Lily! You've scared me out of a century's growth!

The Raven:
[squawks] At the sound of the tone, the time is eight o' nine. Ne'ermore, ne'er more.

Eddie Munster:
Why don't you pipe down?

Lily Munster:
[to the babysitter] Well, goodnight Mrs. Morton, make yourself at home. Oh, and if Eddie's pet Spotty comes scratching at the backdoor, don't let him in. Last time he ate the sofa.

Grandpa:
Ah, Mrs. Daly, you make a lovely Juliette. [she laughs] You remind me of one of my wifes.

Mrs. Agnes Daly:
Really?

Grandpa:
I had a hundred and sixty seven of them.

Mrs. Agnes Daly:
Oh! [more polite laughter]

Grandpa:
But of course they're all dead now.

Mrs. Agnes Daly:
How you must miss them.

Grandpa:
Oh no, I visit them very often.

Mrs. Agnes Daly:
[stops laughing] Excuse me. [makes an exit]

Herman Munster:
[Mr. Daly is dressed as Frankenstein's monster] Uhm, I can't quite place you, Mr. Daly, but you remind me of someone I know.

Tom Daly:
Really?

Herman Munster:
It's a shame, Mr. Daly, you couldn't get a costume for your own masquerade party.

Herman Munster:
[Albert has just run off with his hair standing up in fright] I must say there was something strange about that boy. He had the weirdest hairdo I've ever seen.

Grandpa:
You are going to sing?

Herman Munster:
That's right. And why not? After all, as they used to say: Herman Munster has the finest set of pipes in Transylvania.

Grandpa:
Herman, they were talking about your circulatory system, not your singing!

Herman Munster:
Very funny.

Herman Munster:
And as that great philosopher, Steve Allen, has said on many occasions: jealousy is the stink weed in the garden of life.

Grandpa:
I'm gonna break a long standing American tradition. I'm gonna be nice to my son in law.

Lily Munster:
How kind and noble you've become since you started reading Mary Worth.

Herman Munster:
Golly, I don't wanna do the ballet at Eddie's school. People might get the wrong impression. That I was a communist or something.

Herman Munster:
When it comes to talent, Herman Munster is complete washout. I'm just gonna have tell my little boy that his daddy is a great big stupid lox.

Lily Munster:
No, dear, you're a great big lovable lox.

The Raven:
[squaks] What's up, doc?

Herman Munster:
Eh, I seem to run out of eggs. Eh, do you think you could oblige?

The Raven:
Don't look at me, buster, my name's Charlie. [retreats back inside his clock]

Herman Munster:
At least he could have made an effort.

Lily Munster:
Grandpa! How can you act like that? After all Herman has done for you. Why, if it wasn't for him, you'd still be back in the old country, hanging around in some damp old cave, scratching fleas out of your wings and wondering who your next square meal was coming from!

The 1st Father:
Look at the size of that guy!

The 2nd Father:
Wow. Looks like there could be two fathers inside that costume!

Herman Munster:
I'd like to introduce myself. I'm Herman Munster, and my family's in the Iron and Steel business. My mother irons and my father steals.

Grandpa:
[unimpressed with Herman's performance] The last time I saw a ham that big, it was in a butcher's window.

Grandpa Munster:
[huge thump] Herman's home. [pans fall] Lilly, either hang those pans up or have them tuned!

Grandpa Munster:
[huge thump, pans fall down and make a musical sound, he smiles] You had them tuned!

Grandpa Munster:
I haven't had so much fun since I started the French Revolution!

Grandpa Munster:
What'll we do? We'll do what men have done for centuries: we'll stand firm and defend out homes. We'll man the battlements, flood the moat and pull in the drawbridge.

Marilyn Munster:
But Grandpa, we don't have any battlements, or any moat.

Grandpa Munster:
Marilyn, will ya please. Don't be so technical! I haven't had so much fun since I started the French revolution.

Lily Munster:
Oh, wait till grandpa's relatives in the old country hear about this, they'll really sit up on their hind legs and take notice.

Herman Munster:
Did you hear something, Lilly?

Lily Munster:
Oh that's just Spot, dear. He's had indigestion all morning.

Herman Munster:
Oh. Yeah, I guess he got out again and got a hold of some bad telephone poles.

Lily Munster:
Grandpa, I wonder how Herman's making out with Eddie. He's upstairs now, trying to calm him down.

Marilyn Munster:
Well I had no idea he'd be so upset about moving and leaving his friends.

Grandpa Munster:
I know how it is. In the old country I was always getting attached to my friends and neighbors. Especially at night.

Eddie Wolfgang Munster:
Boy, this is the neatest thing that's happened since Grandpa dug up Spot for me.

Herman Munster:
I'm gonna go down to the parlor and tell Mr. Gateman that I just can't take the new job. Hm.

Lily Munster:
Oh Herman, Herman, he'll be dissapointed so let him down gently.

Herman Munster:
Lilly, have no fear. In my business, we always let people down gently.

The Raven:
At the sound of the tone it will be eight o' nine, ne'er more.

Eddie Wolfgang Munster:
Gee, I don't wanna go to bed yet, It's still dark out.

Lily Munster:
Now you get on up to bed, and don't forget to close the lid.

Grandpa:
I wish she'd get married. We could use some fresh blood in this family.

Herman Munster:
Well, If you don't do something about her soon, we'll have her on our hands forever.

Lily Munster:
I have to do something about it? Why always me?

Herman Munster:
It's enough I have to go out and scare up the rent every day.

Lily Munster:
You think you're the only one who works hard? How would you like to have to clean nine rooms and a dungeon every day?

Grandpa:
Will you stop the arguing? There's enough noise in here to wake the living.

Grandpa:
Now if this stuff turns out half as good as the batch I made for Elizabeth Taylor... Marilyn will be irresistible!

Herman Munster:
Lilly, it just came over me. You've never looked more lovely.

Lily Munster:
Strange, I was just thinking how particularly handsome you look this morning.

Eddie Wolfgang Munster:
Isn't anybody going to say how lovely I look?

Marilyn Munster:
Grandpa, there's more than one kind of magic.

Marilyn Munster:
Morning, Aunt Lily.

Lily Munster:
Good morning, dear.

Marilyn Munster:
I'm late. I gotta run. I'll grab a cup of coffee at the school cafeteria.

Lily Munster:
Very well, dear. Try not to get home before dark.

Yolanda Cribbins:
[Mrs. Cribbins is cradling Herman in her arms, as he lies on the floor] Darling, darling. I love you, my darling. I love you with every fiber in my being. [Speaks French passionately, then when the love potion wears off, recoils and lets Herman drop to the floor, then creeps away] Eahhhhh, ewwwww, waaaaa, eaaaaa, eeeeee, AHHHHH!

Herman Munster:
[the mailman is kissing Lily until the love potion wears off. He whistles as he walks away casually, then leaps headfirst out a window] Well, dear. Think we let them down easy enough?

Edward "Eddie" Wolfgang Munster:
You never let me have any fun! I'm gonna hold my breath and turn myself back into a toad!

Herman Munster:
Say, listen, why don't you send her to that man who does your hair?

Phoebe Munster:
Well, I don't think that would do any good, he's just a beautician, he's not a miracle man.

Herman Munster:
If you don't do something about her soon, we'll have her on our hands forever.

Phoebe Munster:
Me? If I don't do something about it soon? Well, I always have to do something about it. It's me, always me.

Herman Munster:
It's enough I have to go out and scare up the rent every day.

Phoebe Munster:
You think you're the only one who works hard? Hah! Well, how would you like to have to clean nine rooms and a dungeon every day?

Grandpa:
Now what do we have here? Poisoned apples, poisoned banana's, poisoned pineapples, poisoned fruit salad. Poisons? Poisons? For what are you showing me poisons? Potions I said, potions! I mean don't you understand English?

Grandpa:
Aha, here it is: The Loveable Potion. If thou wouldst inspire devotion, slake thy thirst with this rare potion. To have the lover of thy choosing, shake the bottle well, 'ere using. Shake the bottle well? Oh, I shudder to think what would happen if this fell into unscupulous hands.

The Raven:
[squawks] Three O'clock and all's rotten as usual.

Herman Munster:
Hey, maybe our little Eddie's found out about the birds and the bees. I know I didn't sleep for two weeks when hen I found out that their making honey was just a sideline.

Herman Munster:
You know, for a rotten old father in law, you're really a fun guy!

Dr. Elliott:
[Eddie won't open his mouth for the doctor] Will you get him to open his mouth, Mr. Munster?

Herman Munster:
If I do, will you give me a lollypop?

Dr. Elliott:
I'll give you a hit in the head if he doesn't open up soon, I'll tell you that.

Herman Munster:
You heard him, Eddie, now open up your mouth for the nice, ratfink doctor.

Grandpa:
What are they talking about? Why shouldn't we go down there and see him? I mean do they think that a man of my background is going to faint at the sight of blood?

Grandpa:
Eddie, my boy, I want you to be a witness to my degradation here. Now someday, you'll have creatures of your own, you'll know what to expect.

Herman Munster:
[Eddie has just gotten his nose caught in a giantic mouse trap] I told him to keep his big trap shut.

Lily Munster:
Herman, you certainly have a good heart.

Herman Munster:
The best money can buy!

Lily Munster:
[to Herman] That's right, dear, don't be afraid, you just show him who you're made of!

Mayor:
[to Pike] I suggest you resign and give up drinking. In that order.

Herman Munster:
[Eddie keeps startling Herman while he's shaving] Eddie, if I cut my head off with this razor, I'm sending you straight to your room.

Lily Munster:
This lump of clay is Marylin's new project for art class. She has to sculpt something out of it.

Marilyn Munster:
Oh, maybe I could do a bust of a classical greek. Like Apollo, or Achilles, or...

Grandpa:
Seymour.

Lily Munster:
Who's Seymour?

Grandpa:
Who's Seymour? Seymour Akkalacsis, he was a famous greek taxidermist back in Transylvania. He used to stuff all the guys mother in laws for free room and board.

Grandpa:
Herman, I've never been so seasick before on dry land.

Prof. Gearhart von Fagenspahen:
[a block of granite shatters into tiny piece after the first strike of a hammer] Alrighty, I'll call it 'Confetti'.

Prof. Theodore J. Hansen:
Well, if we could prove that our missing link here is actually, alive, then we could become famous in scientific circles.

Prof. Gearhart von Fagenspahen:
Oh, knock it off with the scientific circles, that's for the birds. If we can prove that our missing link is alive, we'll be filthy rich! In the ocean we'll tell everybody to jump! The dean, the board of reason, the whole shmeer!

Prof. Theodore J. Hansen:
Professor Von Fagenspahen, you're a genius.

Prof. Gearhart von Fagenspahen:
Naturally! I'm German.

Lily Munster:
Oh, my, that mailman certainly keeps his distance, since that time Spot burried him in the backyard.

Herman Munster:
Some people get so annoyed with pets.

Eddie Munster:
I mailed his picture into the contest after the deadline.

Lily Munster:
I don't understand, he's supposed to be meeting with the commity now. I wonder who he is talking with? The last time he met with strangers, they sold him the Vic Tanny franchise for Greenland.

Grandpa:
Don't worry about it, Herman has a good head on his shoulders. Nothing in it, but he's got a good head on his shoulders.

Young Doctor:
I want you to notice his head. Barring an absurd skull thickness, his brain capasity measures 2500 centimeters.

Prof. Gearhart von Fagenspahen:
Mr. Munster, you have enough brains to fill a lard bucket!

Herman Munster:
What do you think, Grandpa? Will it be a boy or a girl?

Grandpa:
Probably.

Lily Munster:
I think I'll break the news to your uncle Herman gently. His birthday's coming up week and, eh, you know how he feels about strange people in the house.

Marilyn Munster:
Yes, you'd better tell him while he's in a good mood. We wouldn't want him to go all to pieces.

Lily Munster:
No, I know. It's such a nuisance putting him back together again.

Herman Munster:
[Herman and Lilly are resting on the balcony in the rain] We had weather just like this on our honeymoon, remember? What a beautiful spot that was, Devil's Island.

Lily Munster:
Too bad they closed it down. Seems like all the really nice resorts are gone.

Grandpa:
[Herman is talking to Dr. Dudley who has misplaced his glaces and is unaware of Grandpa's presence] Eh, doctor, could you answer a question?

Dr. Edward Dudley:
Well how do you like that, when I don't have my glasses on I hear double.

Herman Munster:
Eh, no, no, this is Grandpa.

Dr. Edward Dudley:
[slowly turns his head and tries to size up grandpa with his poor eyesight] Oh. Looks rather like a tall penguin, doesn't he?

Mrs. Dudley:
Marilyn is so sweet, what is her uncle like?

Dr. Edward Dudley:
I couldn't get him in focus too well without my specs. All I'm sure of is, he was nine feet tall and had a penguin with him that turned out to be his grandfather.

Marilyn Munster:
Uncle Herman's not around, is he?

Lily Munster:
No, he took Spotty down to the carwash for his weekly bath.

Lily Munster:
Are you Diamond Jim?

Diamond Jim:
Yes, ma'm.How do you do?

Lily Munster:
I'm Mrs Munster.

Diamond Jim:
Oh.

Lily Munster:
I called here about an hour ago. Are you the one I talked to?

Diamond Jim:
Eh no, it, eh, must have been my brother, Diamond Irving.

Diamond Jim:
Excuse me, lady, but were, were you ever in the movies?

Lily Munster:
Oh yes, just last Saturday night, we saw a lovely picture: The Body Snatchers.

Eddie Munster:
Was daddy playing poker all night with the men from the office?

Lily Munster:
No, dear. [Herman serves Lily breakfast]

Eddie Munster:
He must have done something pretty bad to be acting this mushy!

Herman Munster:
What I'm dying to know is: when. When the child is due. I mean approximately.

Lily Munster:
Approximately? I can tell you exactly. It's a boy, he'll arrive at nine o'clock tomorrow morning and his name is Elmer. [Herman is stunned]

Grandpa Munster:
Eddie, my boy, I want you to be a witness to my degradation. Cause someday you'll got creatures of your own; you'll know what to expect.

Lily Munster:
Herman, you certainly have a good heart.

Herman Munster:
Best money can buy.

Lily Munster:
Herman, I don't want you going out. You already had a sinus attack today and you're not looking well. Uuu, you even got colors in your cheeks.

Herman Munster:
Really?

Lily Munster:
Why don't you go to your room?

Grandpa Munster:
Why should I? Any place I hang myself is home.

Marilyn Munster:
[opening a birthday present] What an unusual wallet!

Grandpa:
That's imported tarantula skin!

Grandpa:
Who, well, where's Marilyn?

Lily Munster:
She went out with Roger Davis. It's the fourth straight date!

Herman Munster:
Oh, sounds serious. Last time she was out four nights in a row, she had a job walking the neighbor's dog.

Eddie Munster:
Grandpa?

Grandpa:
Yes pal?

Eddie Munster:
In 1623, after Duke Ferdinand Fregosi put a curse on it, what did he do with the ring?

Grandpa:
Threw it out the window.

Eddie Munster:
And you found it?

Grandpa:
It changed hands until 1888 and then I won it from Jack the Ripper in a poker game.

Marilyn Munster:
Well, did you know it had a curse on it?

Grandpa:
No, not until I tried to sell it in Transylvania. Nobody would even give me a grubnitz for it!

Telephone Operator:
Werewolf Junction, Transylvania information, may I help you?

Grandpa:
My name is Count Dracula, I wish to lo...

Telephone Operator:
Count Dracula? The original Count Dracula?

Grandpa:
You've heard of me?

Telephone Operator:
Oh! I've heard your praises sung ever since my childhood, you once bit my grandmother!

Grandpa:
Have you ever put a curse on the whole automobile?

Henry J. Fregosi:
Only once. I assume you've heard of the Edsel?

Grandpa:
Don't worry Lily, why, when I was younger in the old country, I was always disappearing in the middle of the night. 'Course that was before I got rheumatism in my wings.

Lily Munster:
Grandpa, how old is Herman, I keep forgetting?

Grandpa:
Well, they started working on 'em right after the war of 1812. They ran into a... shortage of parts at the medical school... I'd say they sewed up the job around 1850.

Police Sergeant:
[on the phone] Eyes?

Lily Munster:
[on the other end] Two. There wasn't room for any more.

Police Sergeant:
I mean what color.

Police Sergeant:
Oh, oh, well, one's brown, and one's chartruese. They thought it would match his complexion.

Marilyn Munster:
Oh Eddie, we should have left you at home in bed.

Eddie Munster:
What for? You know I can't go to sleep till it's light out.

Grandpa:
Now, Lily, don't get upset until you've seen him. After all, you know that the police have been mistaken about Herman before.

Lily Munster:
I suppose you're right, Grandpa. Last time he fell asleep in the park, we had to pick him up at the mortuary.

Grandpa:
[about the mysterious ticking package] It's probably from Uncle Boris. You know, he and Rasputin always used to exchange bombs at Christmas time.

Lily Munster:
[to Marilyn] Hm. A little more toadstool base for Mrs. Harkness.

Herman Munster:
I haven't been this excited since the Moon-maid had a baby on Dick Tracey!

Herman Munster:
[pointing at Grandpa] He's the man who did it. There's your man, right there. I was just a poor, dumb tool in the hands of this Svengali.

Grandpa:
I say!

Herman Munster:
[solemnly holds up his hand] I have never seen this man before in my life!

Grandpa:
When I turn it on now, You'll have more hair on your head than the barbershop floor.

Herman Munster:
Yeah?

Grandpa:
Yeah!

Herman Munster:
[to Eddie] You do not mumble about me behind my back. Unless you do it to my face.

Herman Munster:
Eh, what's on tonight's menu?

Lily Munster:
Aha! Iguana soup, salamander salad with centipede dressing...

Herman Munster:
Ah!

Lily Munster:
...and rolled hyena foot roast.

Herman Munster:
Oh goody, that's just what Mr. Gateman likes. Nothing fancy, just plain old cooking.

Grandpa:
[flipping through a book of potions] Here, potions for the fine arts, such as painting, sculpture, music and bowling.

Herman Munster:
Mr. Gateman, I think we can conservatively say, sir, that you have the best sense of humor in the United States.

Lily Munster:
Eh, Mr. Gateman, would you care for some more pie?

Mr. Gateman:
Mrs. M, seeing as I'm in a gay, party mood, I would love some.

Herman Munster:
Would you like me to slip off your shoesies?

Mr. Gateman:
No. But I would like you're insurance that the music will be confined to either to semi classical or classical. I detest these new sounds like the Black Bottle or the Lambert Walk.

Eddie Wolfgang Munster:
My motto is: don't be a high school drop out, drop out in grammar school.

Herman Munster:
Grandpa... eh, you're not writing crank letters to 'Dear Abby' again?

Lily Munster:
Oh Marilyn! Oh my! Those circles under you're eyes! How lovely you look today.

Marilyn Munster:
Well, I wish I felt as well as a look. I just haven't been able to sleep for the last two nights.

Grandpa:
Have you tried hanging from the rafters with your head down, like I do?

Marilyn Munster:
I'd like to, Grandpa, but I just don't seem to have the toes for it.

Grandpa:
[to Herman] Boy, if Louis Pasteur had had you looking over his shoulders, I'm sure he never would have invented rabies.

Marilyn Munster:
I'm just dead on my feet.

Lily Munster:
Isn't everyone?

Grandpa:
[startled by Marilyn] Oh Marilyn, don't ever do that! You'll scare me right out of my skin. And you know how hard it is to get back into it.

Herman Munster:
Grandpa, you are the worlds' oldest goofball!

Paul Newmar:
Man, this is certainly a fascinating theater you got here.

Lily Munster:
Oh, this isn't a theater, this is our home.

Lily Munster:
Mr. Prince, I have to be frank with you. Poor Marilyn is, well, to put it bluntly, less attractive than the rest of the family.

Herman Munster:
You might say she's the 'ugly duckling'.

Dick Prince:
And you want me to kiss her?

Grandpa:
Well, you can close your eyes.

Herman Munster:
Say kids, eh, eh, you can have the car. [throws Richard the keys]

Herman Munster:
But eh, eh, remember: have it back before twelve or it will turn into a pumpkin!

Lily Munster:
Oh Herman, you're so sweet and thoughtful. When they made you, they broke the mold.

Herman Munster:
The doctor always was a butterfingers.

Grandpa:
I once heard that this house was built on top of an old fort. And this must have been the dungeon for prisoners. Hm!

Herman Munster:
There's somerhing written on the wall. Eh, you'd better look first, it might be a rude word.

Lily Munster:
Your Uncle Herman just isn't the lucky type. Like that time a few years ago, we won those cruise tickets on the Titanic, at the last minute he couldn't get time off from work.

Grandpa:
Are you calling me a freeloader?

Herman Munster:
No. I'm calling you a bum.

Grandpa:
If you call me a bum I'll throw you down and walk all over you!

Herman Munster:
You do, and I'll get you for trespassing!

Lily Munster:
Stop it! Grandpa, now blow out your fingers and behave.

Herman Munster:
I haven't been so shocked since the last time I sat in Grandpa's chair.

Herman Munster:
Young man, I think we're just gonna have to suspend some of your privileges. No more standing in the closet, no more sleeping in Spot's cage and from now on every night, you're going to have to go to bed while it's still dark.

Grandpa:
Isn't that a little severe, Herman? Why, you're positively inhuman.

Lily Munster:
[slightly annoyed] What is so funny?

Herman Munster:
It's this joke book. Listen to this one, Lily, It'll kill ya.

Lily Munster:
Well, it's a little late for that, but go ahead.

Marilyn Munster:
[on the phone] Aunt Lily's not here. She's gone to the dentist to have her teeth filed.

The Raven:
[schrieks] Chow time!

Grandpa:
Excuse me, but I have to go feed the clock.

Mr. Taggert:
What is that?

Grandpa:
That's Eddie's robot. He made it all by himself.

Grandpa:
Nothing but a pile of tin cans. Succatash, Baked Beans, Harvard Beats.

Grandpa:
It's amazing what you can do with leftovers.

Mr. Balding:
Good grief, Taggert. Don't tell me you've become a beatnik at your age?

Mr. Taggert:
I have just come from the Munster's house and I was lucky to escape with my life. Any boy who comes from that background has got to be a delinquent. You should see the boy's grandfather. He looks like a fat Jack the Ripper!

Herman Munster:
[about Eddie's robot] That's amazing. If the top of his head was a little flatter, he'd look possitively human.

Lily Munster:
Herman, if you hadn't spend so much time reading that joke book, we could have been here an hour ago.

Herman Munster:
Sorry dear, but you know how hard it is to put a book down in the middle of a joke.

Grandpa:
What's the matter with him?

Lily Munster:
You know how squeamish Herman is. He always faints at the sight of oil.

The Second Man:
Alice, why can't our Sidney built something like that? He's sixteen years old, he can barely wave bye bye.

Grandpa:
Well, that's as much as I can do. Now it's all up to that Big Mechanic in the sky.

Grandpa:
[Eddie's robot has exploded] I'm sorry Eddie, I've let you down. It's all my fault.

Eddie Munster:
What am I gonna do?

Herman Munster:
There's nothing to do. I'll just go out and explain.

Eddie Munster:
[Eddie tugs his fathers coat] No dad, that's my job.

Lily Munster:
[tearfully] I think our Eddie has just become a man.

Grandpa:
And the hard way, not like you, Herman!

Herman Munster:
[recounting the dynamite incident] And then there was this terrible explosion, and the next thing I knew I was lying in the gutter three blocks away, and Spot was licking my face.

Eddie Munster:
Then what did you do?

Herman Munster:
We took a taxi home. Eh, of course, when we got here, I made Spot give it back to the driver.

Lily Munster:
Oh Herman, you're such a monster sometimes.

Grandpa:
[reading his lost-and-found ad] Lost: family pet. Green with yellow scales. Friendly. Affectionate. answers to the name 'Spotty'. Breathes Fire when hungry. Has battleaxe scar on left shoulder.

Herman Munster:
Gee, I don't know, grandpa. I haven't been down in the sewer in a hundred years.

Grandpa:
Believe me, they haven't changed.

Mayor Handley:
[reading a statement] I have always been a man of action and I plan to instruct our department of public works to plant dynamite at strategic places in our sewer systems and blast these so-called creatures out into the open.

Lily Munster:
[hangs up the phone] Oh, deary me.

Grandpa:
What's the matter, Lily?

Lily Munster:
The mayor's planning to blow up Herman in about ten minutes!

Grandpa:
[shouting] I'm a mad genius! A mad genius! Today, Mockingbird Heights... [throws his switch three times]... tomorrow the world! [his index finger ignites]

Dick Willet:
He could be the biggest thing since Burl Ives put a blue tailed fly in every ear in America.

Judge:
Now, eh, Mr. Munster, would you mind telling the court just why you're divorcing your wife Lily after a hundred years of marriage?

Herman Munster:
Not at all. My psychiatrist advises me, that as an award winning box office giant, my monumental ego requires that I change wives as often as I change my socks.

Lily Munster:
That dream I had last night was the straw that broke the dragon's back.

Herman Munster:
[Making animalistic noises, into tape recorder] Boy, am I scary? Or, am I scary?

Galen Stewart:
Golly that was real neat. You must be the strongest guy in the whole world!

Herman Munster:
Well, with the, eh, possible exception of Lil' Abner. [laughs]

Lily Munster:
[at the diner table] Eddie, Eddie, don't just sit there. Wolf down your food.

Lily Munster:
Herman, you and your stories. Sometimes you act so childish, it's hard to believe you're a 150 years old.

Eddie Munster:
How long have you been taking home movies, Grandpa?

Grandpa:
All my life. As a matter of fact, I was taking movies 300 years before the camera was invented.

Eddie Munster:
That must have been hard!

Grandpa:
Of course it was. And I'll tell you something else: there wasn't even a drugstore to develop the film.

John Stewart:
You get up to your room and don't you leave it until you are told!

Galen Stewart:
But what if I get hungry?

John Stewart:
Well maybe your green uncle Herman will come on over with a nice big fat juicy Dracula burger, charcoal broiled by that pet that lives under the stairs!

Lily Munster:
Oh Herman, You can't expect to be a big hero and save a boy's life every day. Normal people like us just don't have exciting adventures all the time.

Herman Munster:
Well, my life is duller than most. The most exciting thing that happened to me before this was 20 years ago. When a man stopped me on the street and asked me if I was voting for Al Flanden.

Dr. Leinbach:
So, this, eh, playmate of yours, this Uncle Herman, is nine foot tall, he's all green in the face, und on top of his head his bolted on, ja?

Galen Stewart:
Yes, and he lives in a neat old haunted house with a dungeon and they have a real neat pet who lives under the stairs and breathes fire.

Dr. Leinbach:
You see, Mr. and Mrs Stewart, you have here a very intelligent boy. He remembers all the details! [laughs] Now, young man if you would be so nice to go upstairs to your room and wait, ja? Good Boy. [shouting as the boy runs off] Stay away from the windows!

Eddie Munster:
While Grandpa is taking is nap, would you come down to the dungeon and run some more of his home movies for me?

Herman Munster:
Sure, which ones would you like to see, Eddie?

Eddie Munster:
Oh, how 'bout the track meet in Transylvania you were in, when you were a young guy?

Herman Munster:
Oh, you mean that cross country run?

Eddie Munster:
Yeah!

Herman Munster:
You know, Eddie, I was so far ahead of the pack, the crowd had to run after me with torches to show me the finish line.

Dr. Leinbach:
[trying to convince himself he did not see Spot breathing fire under the stairs] Leinbach, you didn't see an animal. In reality you saw a gaspipe with a leak. Understand? Wait a minute, wait a minute, whoever saw a gaspipe with eyes and teeth?

Herman Munster:
Oh, you're German?

Dr. Leinbach:
Ja.

Herman Munster:
Oh, by any chance did you know my family doctor in Germany? Dr. Frankenstein. He made me what I am today. [laughs]

Galen Stewart:
[referring to Dr. Leinbach] I think I'd better take him home. He looks like he might get carsick in the house.

Herman Munster:
I don't know what kind of a doctor he is, but you know, he ought to see a psychiatrist.

Grandpa:
So eh, Eddie, I said to Queen Isabella, why not give this Columbus cat the jewels? I mean, after all, they're not doing anybody any good lying around in the top drawer, and besides, he might pick a cruise and find something good!

Zombo's Announcer:
[zoom in on an old deserted house] There it is, my friends, the old deserted house. Heheh, they say at night, strange sounds come from this house. Come, lets go closer. Are you afraid? [laughs and evil laugh as Eddie, watching all this on TV nods] You don't believe in ghosts, do you? Well, there's no turning back. You've entered the house of...

Zombo:
Zombo!

Zombo:
[on TV screen] To all of you who wrote, eh, 'I like Zombo' letters, I would just like to say: you have good taste.

Eddie Munster:
Wowie, Zombo's the neatest guy. When I grow up, I wanna be just like Zombo.

Herman Munster:
But son, I thought you wanted to be just like me, That's what you always used to say, wasn't it? .

Eddie Munster:
Sure pop, but that was just when I was a dumb kid.

Grandpa:
[to Herman] If Tony Curtis looked like you, there'd be no stopping him.

Dave Svensen:
[to Lily] Your poor boy just ruined Zombo.

Zombo:
I'm glad it happened! You hear me, Im glad! I've been trying to get out of my con, oh! [rips out his false teeth] I've been trying to get out of this contract for a month now. I am made for much better things. Macbeth, Hamlet, My Mother the Car. Thanks to you Eddie, you've made me a free man.

Y’all come down and visit us down there at the ranch

Lily:
I am just dead on my feet