The Muppets' Wizard of Oz

Kermit the Frog as "Scarecrow":
[Angry; referring to the crow pecking at him] That's the last straw!

Crow:
No, I see one right here!

Dorothy:
[to the Muppet Munchkins] I know a rat when I see one.

[as the Wicked Witch of the West]

Miss Piggy:
Hahahaha! I'm not melting! Ah nuts! [begins to melt]

Miss Piggy (as Tattypoo):
[looking at the silver slippers] And look how sparkly they are!

Dorothy:
[in sing-song tone] Uh-uh!

[Piggy and the Munchkinlanders feign laughter]

Miss Piggy (as Tattypoo):
Listen, high pockets, here's how things work in enchanted lands. Shoes have magical powers. If you have the shoes, you get the powers. But if you're going to question every little detail, the whole thing's gonna fall apart and we might as well call it a day, okay?

[Piggy turns away from her]

Miss Piggy (as Tattypoo):
They're Manolos...!

The Munchkinlanders:
[taunting her] Manolos!

Dorothy:
Manolos! Why didn't you say so?

[grabs shoes from Tattypoo]

Kermit the Frog as "Scarecrow":
[to Wizard of Oz] Hello there, Mr. Oz. By any chance are you related to Frank Oz?

Waldorf:
There's only two things I don't like about lion's jokes.

Statler:
What's that?

Waldorf:
My ears.

Pepe the Prawn:
I'm so darn sexy it hurts!

Miss Piggy:
[as the Wicked Witch of the West] There's only room for one diva in Oz, and that is moi!

Floyd Pepper:
[referring to the Electric Mayhem bus] Hey, man. We've been riding in this same lousy bus since 1978!

Dr. Teeth:
[plays a great keyboard solo] Nap time!

Animal:
[drumming away] NAP TIME!

Quentin Tarantino:
And then... just as Dorothy and the wicked witch charge at each other, BAM, blowout fight scene! The gals whip out these huge samurai swords, and they just TEAR IT UP! I'm talking kung-fu! I'm talking walking on walls! I'm talking explosions everywhere! [imitating explosions] Psshh. Psshh. Psshh! I'm talking Oz in flames! Burn baby burn! You digging it?

Kermit the Frog:
Sounds, um, a bit violent for a family film.

Quentin Tarantino:
Okay fine. We pull back on the violence. Pull back on the explosions. Pull back on the burn baby burn. Alright... ya' know. Less kung-fu. But instead, are you ready? Ya ready?

Kermit the Frog:
Yeah, yeah!

Quentin Tarantino:
Morphing.

Kermit the Frog:
Morphing?

Quentin Tarantino:
Morphing. Crazy morphing! We're talking Piggy turning into Gonzo, mutating into Scooter. Scooter turning in to a big, busty vampire vixen who explodes in a sea of crimson blood! Hahahahaha. All done in the classic Japanese anime style. You know, for the kids.

Kermit the Frog:
Um, yeah. Sounds... expensive.

Quentin Tarantino:
Think, think, think, think, think. I can work with this. Think, think, think [snaps fingers] I got it! [climbing on the table] Dorothy... big bad Dorothy goes to kick the witch, are ya ready for this... are ya ready?

Kermit the Frog:
Yeah.

Quentin Tarantino:
...In the face!

Kermit the Frog:
Hmmm... oh. Now that we can afford

Quentin Tarantino:
[hits the table with joy] YES!

Toto:
The witch is no longer in the house, okay? She is down the drain- we melted her!

Flying Monkeys:
HOORAY!

Dorothy:
I thought you were supposed to be her vile henchmen.

Angel Marie:
Vile? No... We were just a gentle band of motorcycle enthusiasts. Until the witch put us under an evel spell with her enchanted biker cap!

Flying Monkeys:
[entranced] Enchanted biker cap...

Sal Manilla:
Since you wasted her, this hat rightfully belongs to you, Dorothy! Now we must obey any command you give us!

Angel Marie:
Yeah! Like, you can have everybody spank me and call me names!

[Silence]

Angel Marie:
Or not.

Pepe the Prawn:
Those of you who have Dark Side of the Moon, press play now.

Dorothy:
Trash? That's big talk coming from a hog on a hog.

The Great Gonzo:
Oh, where's my cell phone?

[then putting on his funny nose]

Pepe the Prawn:
Wait a second. That's your cell phone?

The Great Gonzo:
Yeah.

Pepe the Prawn:
Interesting. What do these do?

[pushing the small buttons on the Great Gonzo's chest]

The Great Gonzo:
Nothing. They're my nipples.

Pepe the Prawn:
[Pepe runs out of the T.I.N. shack screaming, looks at his hands] I feel dirty.

Dorothy:
Mr. Kermit! Miss Piggy!

Miss Piggy:
[hushed voice go Kermit] Oh great, a groupie. [normal voice] Sorry dear, no autographs.

Dorothy:
Actually, I wanted to sing for you, but if it's too late do you think maybe you can listen to my demo?

Miss Piggy:
No time. We'll have to get your song off Napster.

Uncle Henry:
[to Dorothy] You just gonna pass up an opportunity to audition for the Muppets, the most powerful puppets in Hollywood?

Dorothy:
You're all big! And you're talking...

Toto:
Si... but more importantly, I'm naked, okay!

Dorothy:
[referring to the Tin Thing] You think he's stuck?

Scarecrow:
Do you think he needs our help?

Toto:
You think he can check my e-mails?

Tin Thing:
Welcome to the Total Intelligence Network, T.I.N. for short.

Toto:
What in the name of all that is holy are you, okay?

Tin Thing:
Oh, I'm a T.I.N. thing, a fully robotic information gathering device for the Wicked Witch of the West. And I can answer any question in the universe. Anything.

Toto:
I got one. Why are the women so confusing, okay?

Tin Thing:
Let me process that. [holds his breath as an antenna sprouts from the top of his tin head]

Tin Thing:
[releases deep breath] It only seems that way because men are so simple.

Scarecrow:
You know, I'd give my stuffed flipper for only half of your brain.

Tin Thing:
Take it from me, brains don't make you happy.

Dorothy:
We're on our way to see the Wizard of Oz, and he's gonna make me a famous singer.

Scarecrow:
Yeah, and he's gonna give me a brain.

Toto:
Si, and he'll probably going to give me lots of moneys, okay.

Toto:
[entering 'Poppyfields'] Come on, Dorothy, let's get inside before this place is no longer cool.

Toto:
Dorothy, before I die, just once I want to hear a woman say she love me, okay?

Dorothy:
Oh Toto, that's so sweet. Of course I love you.

Toto:
Eh, look, Dorothy, I'm flattered, okay, but I can't commit myself to just one womens, okay.

Toto:
Si, si, what freaky land we got to visit now, okay? Tomorrowland, Adventureland, Canada...

Uncle Henry:
[Dorothy, Aunt Em and Uncle Henry are hugging] Come on get some, Kermit, we're family now.

Aunt Em:
[to Dorothy] OK, now do you want to be a star, or a singer? Because they're not the same thing.