The Musketeer

Febre:
Bless me, Father, for I have sinned... It's been a lifetime since my last confession.

Aramis:
We're drunks, not fools.

[to the Cardinal]

D'Artagnan:
Bless me Father, for I will sin. One night I will come for you.

Francesca:
I'm not dead. Now will you please go kill him?

Febre the Man in Black:
What if I absolutely must kill someone?

Cardinal Richelieu:
Well, if you must, you must.

D'Artagnan:
Don't look at me like that.

Francesca bon Ansau:
Like what?

D'Artagnan:
Those eyes.

Francesca bon Ansau:
They are the only eyes I have.

D'Artagnan:
It's unfair.

D'Artagnan:
I don't know what to say.

Francesca bon Ansau:
Sometimes it's much better to say nothing.

[D'Artagnan kisses her]

Francesca bon Ansau:
Would you care to say that again?

D'Artagnan:
Do not harm her!

Febre the Man in Black:
But, I feel the need to harm someone.

The Queen:
I will die before I help you.

Febre the Man in Black:
Well, you wouldn't be the first.

Rochefort, Richelieu Henchman:
You're mad!

Febre the Man in Black:
That's the second time this evening I've been called mad, and I'm beginning to resent it.

Cardinal Richelieu:
So you plot the course of history, now. You're indeed mad!

Febre the Man in Black:
That's three times. It must be so.

Aramis:
Do not turn your back on me, D'Artagnan, for I will fight you!

D'Artagnan:
Do not fight me, Aramis, for I will kill you.

Porthos:
This wine is rejuvenating.

D'Artagnan:
Don't get too rejuvenated.

D'Artagnan:
This is not what you think.

Francesca bon Ansau:
You have no idea what I think.

D'Artagnan:
I-I wish to explain.

Francesca bon Ansau:
You behave as though you've never seen a naked woman.

D'Artagnan:
Never one quite so... naked. [sighs] Or so, uh, beautiful.

Francesca bon Ansau:
You've seen many ugly naked women?

D'Artagnan:
That's not what I meant!

Buxom Woman at Banquet:
Nice sword.

D'Artagnan:
Thank you, Mademoiselle.

Buxom Woman at Banquet:
Is it a long sword or a short sword?

D'Artagnan:
Well, long enough.

Buxom Woman at Banquet:
Do you keep your sword polished?

D'Artagnan:
Eh, when there's time.

Buxom Woman at Banquet:
And do you do it yourself, or do you have help?

D'Artagnan:
Myself, I, uh, won't trust my sword to anyone else.

The Queen:
Is there no mercy in your heart?

Febre:
No mercy. No heart.

Rochefort, Richelieu Henchman:
You have an interesting fighting style. Where did you acquire it?

D'Artagnan:
Here and there.

Rochefort, Richelieu Henchman:
Perhaps there. Certainly not here.

Cardinal Richelieu:
You've gone too far. I wish to scare the Spaniards, embarrass the King. I want political tension, not war.

Febre the Man in Black:
The Spaniards *were* scared. You could see it in their faces just before died. And I'm certain King Louis feels embarrassed.

Aramis:
Young Louis was given a baby crocodile from Egypt. The queen dropped it in a sewer, and it's been living off whatever it can find ever since.

Porthos:
Is that true, Bonacieux?

Bonacieux:
Something kept dragging the poor workers away. All we ever found were bones.

Porthos:
I'm very glad you and D'Artagnan lead this little group.

D'Artagnan:
Me too. Crocodiles attack from behind.

Cook:
We need more bread. Can you get some, please?

Aramis:
Does he mean you or me?

Athos:
Me.

Aramis:
I thought I was the baker.

Athos:
There's blood on your apron. You think that came from a croissant?

Febre the Man in Black:
And what will you do, Your Eminence? Damn me to hell? Well, I'm certain that's where I'm going. And I'm just as certain, we can finish this debate there.

Cardinal Richelieu:
He has gone mad.

D'Artagnan:
He was always mad. But, when he was your madman it was overlooked.

[the family is sitting around the meal]

Young D'Artagnan:
And we're waiting for Planchet?

D'Artagnan's Father:
Oh, I would... but my hunger won't.

[D'Artagnan to the horse he "borrowed" for a desperate action:
]

D'Artagnan:
I'm afraid you're going to regret we ever met.

[the four musketeers are observing the stronghold where Cardinal Richelieu's army is entrenched]

Athos:
We'll take them by surprise!

D'Artagnan:
Yes... they're expecting an army...

Aramis:
Oh! Perhaps we shall not disappoint them!