The Neighbors

Zabvronian Instructional Video Narrator:
And now Module 8, Earth Invasion. Phase one: kill all the bees.

Marty Weaver:
So, baby, we have to talk to you about something that's a little... grown up.

Debbie Weaver:
We wondered if you had any questions for us now that you're getting older...

Amber Weaver:
Seriously? The sex talk? Awesome, cause I haven't learned everything there is to know from TV, movies, the fifth grade health class, the seventh grade health class, the ninth grade health class. So the real question, parents, is do you have any questions for me? Because I'm pretty sure I have more answers than you do.

Reggie Jackson:
Hello, Amber Weaver. Please forgive me if I don't look you in the eye. I'm in heat and afraid I'll uncontrollably connect with you.

Marty Weaver:
You know how I feel about baths. You're sitting in your own muck, things that are supposed to dangle, float...

Marty Weaver:
Here's what we do. You finish your wine, take a nice bath and relax. I'm gonna watch SportsCenter, I'm gonna take some Gas-X, and then I'm gonna romance the crap outta you.

Larry Bird:
Excuse me, but I'll have you know that I have a mug at my house that says I am the world's greatest father.

Jackie Joyner-Kersee:
He does. He bought it himself.

Larry Bird:
And they wouldn't sell it to me if it wasn't true. That would be illegal.

Jackie Joyner-Kersee:
That's true.

Debbie Weaver:
Well, Larry, I have a mug that says I'm Mrs. Clooney.

Debbie Weaver:
Why would he choose his own human form, but still need to wear glasses?

Dick Butkus:
Thanks for bringing me to see Santa.

Marty Weaver:
Oh, that's no problem. OK, I'm gonna go buy my son a doll. Am I doing the right thing here, Dick?

Dick Butkus:
I'm about to go tell a fat stranger that I've been a good boy and ask him for some insects. I think we're all just feeling our way through this one.

Dick Butkus:
[to mall Santa] Here's twenty dollars. They're having a sale on deodorant downstairs.

Dick Butkus:
Father, train sets are for 6-year-olds and impotent, middle-aged men looking to spend less time with their wives.

Amber Weaver:
Tell me again why living like homeless people is considered a vacation.

Marty Weaver:
Amber, this tent is so luxurious, you're not even going to know you're camping.

Max Weaver:
If we're not going to know we're camping, why do we even have to go camping?

Dominick Weaver:
I bet even your boyfriend, President Osama, is handier than you are, and he went to Harvard. Supposedly.

Marty Weaver:
Dad, you have to stop reading those emails.

Jackie Joyner-Kersee:
You all look so cozy. Dick, are you sure you want to sleep with the Weaver kids?

Dick Butkus:
Oh yes. I'm looking forward to smelling the humans' sleep breath.

Max Weaver:
And I'm out!

Amber Weaver:
Paper texting is not a thing. You're just writing a letter!

Jackie Joyner-Kersee:
Write off Challoweenukah as a noble failure like the American jury system or MySpace.

Amber Weaver:
Reggie, what do I always say?

Reggie Jackson:
Take your finger out of your nose, Reggie. It's disgusting.

Jackie Joyner-Kersee:
What is a miracle?

Larry Bird:
A miracle is an unexpected, completely extraordinary event that occurs when you least expect it.

Jackie Joyner-Kersee:
Oh, like when we found out we were pregnant with Dick.

Larry Bird:
No. That was an accident.

Dick Butkus:
Hey, guys. I'm sitting right here.

Jackie Joyner-Kersee:
[hugs Reggie] You were planned.

Dick Butkus:
[gives evil eye]

[When Jackie, Debbie and Marty burst through the door, Larry turns off the computer]

Jackie Joyner-Kersee:
Husband, what are you doing in here on your computer looking all nervous and sweaty?

Debbie Weaver:
Hey Marty, it seems like aliens and humans have more in common than we thought.

Marty Weaver:
It was one time!

Jackie Joyner-Kersee:
You'd think that just once he'd ask about my life, about how a black woman can change her hairstyle so many times without using a weave. It's just me and Beyonc?, we're the only ones!

Debbie Weaver:
Let's go to bed, all this bowling talk has put me in the mood.

Marty Weaver:
That is the first time that sentence has ever been said.

Max Weaver:
Tag, you're it, Dick!

Dick Butkus:
We all know how this ends. I tag you, you tag me, I fall over and shatter my femur. Can we just cut to the chase?

Jackie Joyner-Kersee:
We've been married for fourteen-hundred-and-two years.

Barb Hartley:
Sometimes it feels that way, doesn't it?

Jackie Joyner-Kersee:
Well if by sometimes, you mean literally, then yes.

[Dick hosts a show from his clubhouse]

Bill Nye:
Is this a real TV show?

Dick Butkus:
My friend, I've been asking myself that question for two seasons.

Larry Bird:
Debbie Weaver, your husband has just given me great advice! I know, I'm as shocked as you are!

Debbie Weaver:
Well, my husband is a pretty great guy.

Larry Bird:
Alright, keep it in your pants.

[Jackie talks to a therapist]

Jackie Joyner-Kersee:
Oh my goodness, I can't believe all the random emotions that are coming out of me! I feel like a Meryl Streep highlight reel.

Debbie Weaver:
Oh hi, Oscar, Lana. I'm so sorry, should I turn around? I know you're more comfortable talking about me behind my back.

Larry Bird:
I've been involved in some very important work.

Jackie Joyner-Kersee:
I am important, husband! What I want is important. I want to know that this planet is our home. I want to know that we belong here - permanently... or at least for a few more seasons.

Jackie Joyner-Kersee:
Just please just make me feel better. You're a shrink - shrink me!

Barb Hartley:
Oh Jackie, sometimes therapy takes years of hard work and reflection.

Jackie Joyner-Kersee:
But Dr. Phil does it in an hour, just in time for Family Feud. And it's only 15 minutes 'til the Feud, Barb.

Jackie Joyner-Kersee:
I am going home, because my soulmate, and the man I am destined to spend all of eternity with, is a jackass.

Larry Bird:
We usually go in order of prettiness but I'm going to let Jackie go first this time because, as the old saying goes, 'When the wife remains happy, the knife can stay in the drawer.'

Debbie Weaver:
Where are you finding these sayings?

Debbie Weaver:
Heaven forbid someone should touch you. When you were a baby you used to let me touch you all day long.

Amber Weaver:
What other options did I have? I was a baby!

Jane:
I'm Jane. I'm here to claim Reggie Jackson for all of time. And you are?

Amber Weaver:
Going to gouge out your dimples with my thumbs.

Debbie Weaver:
You go for the face, I'll take her out at the knees.

Debbie Weaver:
How'd she even get here, huh? I mean, I assume a spaceship, but that's like the ninth person to visit this year! Is anyone else noticing? How many spaceships have to land in New Jersey before NASA notices?

Reggie Jackson:
The woman's an enigma wrapped in a grouchy, adorable riddle.

Amber Weaver:
Just to be clear, I object to everything that's happening here, but I'm curious as to what sort of weirdness is going down so I'm rolling with it.

Marty Weaver:
Every house is supposed to have the same floor plan. We don't have an underground tunnel.

Reggie Jackson:
It's not next to your nuclear missile silo?

Jane:
I would like to introduce myself to your family but I don't yet have a name for my human form. Would you like to name me?

Reggie Jackson:
Um...

Jane:
Please name me.

Marty Weaver:
Wow, way more intimate a thing to say than you would think.

Larry Bird:
Could we move this along? Shark Tank starts in four minutes.

Amber Weaver:
Reggie and I were best friends for a year and now we're dating, but we don't even hold hands because I don't really think he knows how.

Reggie Jackson:
It just seems like a weird thing to hold!

Amber Weaver:
And also, he keeps talking about me putting a little Mickey Mantle in his belly, which totally freaks me out, and he has a soul mate who isn't me, and that freaks me out even more.

Amber Weaver:
My mom is like 100 years old and totally useless. She's like dial-up Internet. I mean, it takes four hours for her to get to the point and even then it sounds like "Krrrrrrrrrrrrrk."

Larry Bird:
You know the old saying - "Happy wife, happy life..."

Debbie Weaver:
That's right.

Larry Bird:
...No need to use a knife.

Debbie Weaver:
That's wrong.

Jackie Joyner-Kersee:
You could get a job.

Larry Bird:
What's wrong with you? Are you an idiot? I married an idiot.

Reggie Jackson:
Tonight's the night, Dick. It's finally gonna happen!

Dick Butkus:
Someone on 'America's Got Talent' is actually gonna have talent?

Larry Bird:
It seems like we're scared of everything now.

Jackie Joyner-Kersee:
Except for global warming. That sounds made up.

Debbie Weaver:
Guys! You're over-reacting.

Larry Bird:
Well, of course we are. It's kind of our thing.

Larry Bird:
Amber, would you describe us as two unlikely best friends?

Amber Weaver:
No. We're more like two neighbors who can't drive.

Larry Bird:
I'm sorry, Marty. I will pay for the damage, as money is no object to me.

Marty Weaver:
Well, thank you. For the first part. The second part was an unnecessary and infuriating detail.

Reggie Jackson:
It's not a crutch to have people who want to help you, Amber. It's a gift.

Larry Bird:
Oh Marty, get off of it. We all know how this script ends. You tell us you're gonna do something, we say we're going with you, you say no, we go anyway, hijinks ensue, you learn from us, we learn from you, and it all gets wrapped up in a nice, tidy package, usually around 9 p.m.

Debbie Weaver:
I wanted you to get to know us better so that it would be harder for you to... eat us. Sorry.

Jackie Joyner-Kersee:
Us eat you? You're the ones who enjoy finger-foods and order kids meals! What are kids meals? Are they made from kids?

Debbie Weaver:
Wow, I guess I never thought how weird this must be for you guys.

Jackie Joyner-Kersee:
Oh God. You're not answering the kids meals question.

Max Weaver:
But if you guys die, I'll be all alone.

Marty Weaver:
Hey, what if I promised you that we all die at exactly the same time? Would that make you feel better, sport?

Max Weaver:
Are you nuts? How would that make me feel better?

Debbie Weaver:
Did you just promise our son a murder-suicide pact?

Marty Weaver:
I'm regretting the choice.

Debbie Weaver:
Mommy has to go outside and trick your brother into spelling stuff 'cause Daddy won't let her be a good Mommy. [walks out]

Abby Weaver:
...She says to the 6-year old who she just left alone in the house.

Reggie Jackson:
If only there was a kind of film that didn't require a script, or fancy sets or real actors.

Larry Bird:
Like those Tyler Perry things?

Abby Weaver:
Wanna sit together, Miss Joyner-Kersee?

Jackie Joyner-Kersee:
That depends. Are you ready to start acting like an impoverished 300-pound black man?

Max Weaver:
Guys, enough. I'm tired.

Debbie Weaver:
Well, you know what they say: Nothing wakes you up more than spelling.

Max Weaver:
Show me one person who says that. Show me that person and I'll spell all night!

Larry Bird:
Dick, I have some rather unfortunate news. You're no longer the star of my documentary. Son, I'm going to shoot you straight because I know that's how you like to receive information.

Dick Butkus:
No it isn't. I don't know why you decided that!

Larry Bird:
You aren't relatable, you're not all-American and you keep looking directly into my camera lens.

Jackie Joyner-Kersee:
Well, it doesn't have to be perfect.

Larry Bird:
Did Michelangelo say that when he painted The Sistine Chapel or became a mutant ninja turtle?

Abby Weaver:
Santa knows when you've been naughty. And he knows when you've been nice.

Larry Bird:
Does he know where the gym is? Because he's going to lose a foot to diabetes.

Debbie Weaver:
Not only did you screw my pooch, but you didn't call her the next day either.

Debbie Weaver:
I hated them just now Marty. In that moment, I hated all three of our children.

Debbie Weaver:
Wow, Marty, you really gotta start paying more attention around here.

Marty Weaver:
Deb, there's way too much to keep track of. Okay, there's you, Amber, Max, Abby, aliens next door. Everybody's got all these little things...

Amber Weaver:
It's totally over, everyone knows it, he just won't go away. He's like American Idol.

Debbie Weaver:
There are plenty of successful women in business. Oprah.

Jackie Joyner-Kersee:
Her network is a failure.

Debbie Weaver:
Martha Stewart.

Jackie Joyner-Kersee:
Jailbird!

Marty Weaver:
[On Telephone] I'm all the way downtown at the puzzle store buying glue.

Debbie Weaver:
Okay, Marty, that is so sad that I hope that is a lie and you are at a strip club.

Jackie Joyner-Kersee:
Dick's been watching reruns of your old late-night talk shows. He's decided he wants to be a sidekick someday.

Dick Butkus:
Hey-oh!

Jackie Joyner-Kersee:
Help me, Debbie Weaver. I'm one "ba-zing" away from blowing my brains out.

Debbie Weaver:
They're flirting, Larry. They're letting her know that they find her attractive.

Larry Bird:
She is?

Jackie Joyner-Kersee:
I am?

Debbie Weaver:
Are you kidding? Larry, your wife is a 10!

Larry Bird:
Out of how many? Because if she's a 10, I'm at least a 38.

Larry Bird:
I have to figure out a way to be more physically appealing.

Max Weaver:
You could get a makeover like they do on TV.

Larry Bird:
[sighs] This is real life, kids. It's not TV. We are a family of aliens living amongst humans. And every week we tackle a new problem together, and learn that while we may be from different backgrounds, even planets, family dynamics are, in fact, universal. It's real life, kids, it's not TV! [sighs]

Dick Butkus:
Mom and Debbie Weaver got dressed up and went to Hell. As far as I'm concerned, you can all go there too.

Debbie Weaver:
I'm a mom. I'm a limo driver without a limo.

Debbie Weaver:
Oh my God, I'm dressed like Adam Sandler.

Debbie Weaver:
If I were to get all styled up, do you think I could get into a club?

Amber Weaver:
A book club?

Larry Bird:
You feed this to your children? Is it to punish them?

Debbie Weaver:
No, Larry, it's not a punishment. It's called cereal.

Larry Bird:
It's 98% processed sugar spray painted pink. You're better off eating the box.

Michael Bay:
You'd look so good walking away from an explosion in slow-motion.

Marty Weaver:
Michael friggin' Bay hit on my sexy wife.

Debbie Weaver:
I don't know if it's sexy or weird that it's turning you on.

Marty Weaver:
I don't know either, but it's happening.

Dick Butkus:
Videogames are for fat girls and virgins.

Max Weaver:
Why do I have to wear a bowtie and a vest? I look like Magic Mike!

Max Weaver:
[Max reluctantly wears a suit] Tell me that if I ripped open my shirt right now, the song 'It's Raining Men' wouldn't start playing out of nowhere!

Abby Weaver:
Ow, mom! If you pull out any more of my hair, I'm gonna start looking like Grandma!

Dick Butkus:
Humans. TNLBTFTW. They Never Learn But They're Fun To Watch. I hope it'll catch on.

Amber Weaver:
You know, most girls would be freaked out if their boyfriend's intergalactic soulmate stalked their house for a week.

Reggie Jackson:
Well that's what make you so special.

Amber Weaver:
Dude, no, I'm saying it totally freaks me out that your intergalactic soulmate has been stalking your house for a week.

Reggie Jackson:
I want to handle this like an adult so I don't want you to advise me or judge me or question me.

Jackie Joyner-Kersee:
But those are my three favorite things to do.

Dick Butkus:
Listen, will you still love your kids when they're older?

Debbie Weaver:
Dick, I love my kids unconditionally. I will love them when they choose the wrong husbands and wives to marry. I will love them when they give birth to grandchildren that they never let me see. I will even love them when their father gets sick, and they never come to visit, and the only company I have is a Jamaican hospice nurse who comes once a week to help me clean his face and wipe his...

Marty Weaver:
Where are you right now?

Larry Bird:
Marty, smell my boutonni?re. I promise it won't squirt water in your face.

Dick Butkus:
I put the Weaver children in an aging machine.

Larry Bird:
Dick Butkus, how many times have I told you that machine is for ripening fruit and distressing denim only?

Marty Weaver:
You ripened and distressed our kids?

Larry Bird:
Hang in there guys, your children will be fine. Probably. Hopefully.

Jane:
Now that you've met me you won't be able to forget me. I'll be in your thoughts and dreams, you'll see my face everywhere you look. Sometimes you'll catch yourself talking to yourself and you'll realize you were talking to me. Soon I'll begin to feel like a phantom limb, part of your body that you know should be there but isn't. Until you accept our destiny, every good thing in your life will feel empty, every sadness like an abyss.

Reggie Jackson:
Soulmate or not, it's super-creepy that you stand outside my house.

Marty Weaver:
Larry, we're here! Where's the fire?

Larry Bird:
What? There's no fire. What are you talking about?

Debbie Weaver:
You called and said there was an emergency and to bring a fire extinguisher.

Larry Bird:
Yes, there is an emergency AND bring a fire extinguisher. They're two separate thoughts.

Larry Bird:
Let's call the police.

Jackie Joyner-Kersee:
Oh honey, they split up in the '80s. Now Sting's off doing his own thing.

Larry Bird:
We were doing a musical number and Dick fell in the well.

Debbie Weaver:
You have no documentation, very silly names, all of you are dressed alike, you have that spaceship in your garage...

Marty Weaver:
Larry, you want this to end up like E.T.? Huh? Bubble over your house, you lying naked and chapped in some drainage ditch?

Larry Bird:
Is that how it ended?

Jackie Joyner-Kersee:
No.

Larry Bird:
I never saw the end!

Marty Weaver:
We stopped going to musicals after our $600 family nap at Phantom of the Opera.

Reporter:
If you could tell the greater New Jersey area one thing about your son, what would it be?

Jackie Joyner-Kersee:
He does not have a tail.

Dick Butkus:
It appears all is lost. Why are you smiling, father?

Larry Bird:
Because this is the low point. And if I've learned anything from musicals, it's right after the lowest point that everything turns around. The main song is reprised, but with a new, potentially opposite message to the first song!

Reporter:
My boss looked at it and he hated it. So I guess it's back to doing traffic. And my boss.

Reggie Jackson:
[singing] Giselle, you're so swell. You're a sixteenth the size of Adele.

Abby Weaver:
Hey Debbie, where's your copy of Magic Mike?

Debbie Weaver:
You're not watching Magic Mike.

Abby Weaver:
Fine, I'll illegally download it from the internet.

Debbie Weaver:
Dick are you Ok?

Dick Butkus:
I'm Well.

Jackie Joyner-Kersee:
Stop that Dick!

Larry Bird:
It's Not Punny!

Marty Weaver:
Winter is coming.

Max Weaver:
Game of Thrones?

Marty Weaver:
Game of Thrones.

Larry Bird:
I've done the research, human males are simple. They mask their emotion through drink, farts and physical violence. The drink didn't take, we're all out of farts, I moved your fence to provoke you. Fight me, Marty! Give me respite to my feelings! Don't make me spit in your orange juice.

Marty Weaver:
Spit in my orange juice? How would I even know you did that?

Larry Bird:
You didn't.

Larry Bird:
I've tried every form of male escapism. Booze didn't work, pornography just confused me...

Dick Butkus:
Confused YOU?

Larry Bird:
Please, Marty, be a friend! Let's slap each other around a little!

Debbie Weaver:
It is not my fault that everyone I talk to today is out of their minds!

Larry Bird:
I know I'm supposed to act like a man and have no emotion, but I feel like I want to cry all the time.

Amber Weaver:
You don't have to fight to be a man. Just be a man, man.

Larry Bird:
A man-man?

Amber Weaver:
I need some birth control because I'm going to start having a lot of sex. Are you cool with that?

Debbie Weaver:
This isn't real, right?

Debbie Weaver:
So when Amber texts Jeremy...

Abby Weaver:
I've seen a smiley face, a tongue-out face and a couple of times LMAO.

Debbie Weaver:
Oh my God, "Let my ass out!" She's texting "Let my ass out!"

Debbie Weaver:
How are you going to explain the Bird-Kersees to your folks?

Marty Weaver:
Well, you know, they're better at blending in now. And when my parents see a white guy with a black lady, an Asian kid and a redhead, they're not gonna be much into conversation, so...

Debbie Weaver:
At last, an upside to racism.

Marty Weaver:
Okay, Gammy and Pop-Pop just pulled in.

Debbie Weaver:
Kids, Mommy apologizes now for everything she says.

Theresa:
Who's ready for a sweater? I got the patterns from Rosie O'Donnell's craft book. For a lesbian crackpot, she does have some darling ideas!

Theresa:
Fried turkey? That's not a meal. It's a prank on God!

Debbie Weaver:
[Theresa scrubs the table] Theresa, enough, it's clean, we're not operating on it!

Theresa:
Let me help, Debbie! Just because your children's hands are dirty doesn't mean the table has to be.

Dominick:
[Marty hands his father a beer] What the hell is this?

Marty Weaver:
It's a microbrew, best money can buy.

Dominick:
Microbrew? So I guess you're a raging liberal now too, huh?

Marty Weaver:
Yeah, I don't even know how to connect the dots on that one, Dad.

Larry Bird:
Wife, I'm sighing for effect. Please pay attention.

Debbie Weaver:
Guys, you can't go through our mail. A person's mail is a private thing.

Larry Bird:
Yes, that's why it's placed by a stranger in a box at the end of your driveway unattended. Silly fools.

Debbie Weaver:
Well, you know how every society has different social classes?

Jackie Joyner-Kersee:
Oh, no! Not on Zabvron. We are all equal. Some of us are very equal, some are middle equal and some are... barely equal at all. They hardly deserve our scraps.

Reggie Jackson:
They are beneath me.

Dick Butkus:
Peasants!

Marty Weaver:
I feel like I just beat a kitten to death with a bag of puppies.

Marty Weaver:
It's actually a great club and you're great people. They're lucky to have you.

Larry Bird:
Thank you, Marty. To my complete surprise, that means a lot.

Larry Bird:
This is boring. Humans are boring.

Debbie Weaver:
You say this is similar to your Zabvronian Council? You should have no trouble keeping up.

Larry Bird:
Where's your Butcher of Hope?

Debbie Weaver:
Hmmm?

Larry Bird:
Tall chap, wears a dark hood to mask his eternal sorrow, puts an end to debates. How can you have a meeting without a Butcher of Hope?

Linda:
All in favor?

Debbie Weaver:
Oh, excuse me, I'm Debbie Weaver, Max and Abby's mom.

Linda:
Hello, Debbie. I don't know your children but I'm sure you've taught them how rude it is to interrupt someone.

Debbie Weaver:
Do I have lipstick on my teeth?

Larry Bird:
Yes, but I thought that was on purpose.

Larry Bird:
Elizabeth, Debbie Weaver has spent all morning putting lipstick on her teeth to come talk to you; I insist you hear her out!

Max Weaver:
Look at her in those shorts. I just got puberty.

Larry Bird:
Where I'm from, we wage war through psychological destruction. Our goal is to mentally crush our enemies until they can no longer function in society.

Debbie Weaver:
I just wanted gingerbread cookies.

Larry Bird:
And gingerbread cookies you shall have!

Marty Weaver:
I've been told that I'm a fantastic coach.

Debbie Weaver:
I've been told I'm a really good human woman.

Larry Bird:
This hat is much hotter than I anticipated. It's real polar bear, don't tell anyone - tell everyone!

Larry Bird:
I'm not going to put on a performance for this British snob.

Jackie Joyner-Kersee:
Good. You're not invited.

Larry Bird:
What? Oooh, now I desperately want to go! How did you do that, you devil?

Larry Bird:
Promise me he'll get the best care, not that Obamacare that Fox News says kills old people and lets illegal Mexicans get gay married.

Debbie Weaver:
Dick, how long have you been standing there watching us sleep?

Dick Butkus:
Tonight? Just a few minutes.

Debbie Weaver:
Tonight?

Debbie Weaver:
Do you know he watches us sleep?

Jackie Joyner-Kersee:
Tuesdays and Fridays are his shift.

Debbie Weaver:
And that is going to be a discussion for another day...

Marty Weaver:
Can we just stop game night and watch some good old network TV, please?

Larry Bird:
On a Friday night? [scoffs] No, gracias.

Amber Weaver:
Hey, what's up?

Debbie & Marty:
Are you pregnant?

Amber Weaver:
Oh my God, yes, so pregnant.

Debbie Weaver:
Amber, answer your father.

Amber Weaver:
Father, I'm not pregnant. I know this because the furthest I've ever gone with a guy...

Debbie Weaver:
Stop answering your father, stop now!

Marty Weaver:
Alright, go to your room.

Amber Weaver:
Alright, I'll see you at dinner. Don't forget, make it hearty, I'm eating for two now.

Marty Weaver:
Go away, please!

Amber Weaver:
Oooh, your grandson kicked.

Debbie Weaver:
She's a terrible person.

Debbie Weaver:
Jackie, we found this in our bathroom.

Jackie Joyner-Kersee:
Oh, it's beautiful! What is it, can I hold it?

Marty Weaver:
No, no, Jackie, it's a pregnancy test. You pee on it and it tells you if you're pregnant.

Jackie Joyner-Kersee:
What does it tell you if you poop on it, the weather?

Reggie Jackson:
They can't dance at all.

Jane:
Right. They looks like they're actually worried the rhythm is gonna to get them.