The New Adventures of Old Christine

Christine Campbell:
My brains say no, but my pants say off

Christine Campbell, Richard Campbell:
[talking about Stan] He has certain attributes that make him appealing.

Richard Campbell:
Ugh. Are you talking about the size of his...

Christine Campbell:
No, no. You know that size doesn't matter to me.

Richard Campbell:
[long pause] How would I know that?

Matthew Kimble:
We woke up; I thought she'd leave. Then she made eggs; I thought she'd eat her eggs and leave. Then she took a bath; I thought she'd take a bath and leave. Then she took a nap; I thought she'd take a nap and leave. Then she decided to sunbathe.

Richard Campbell:
God, it's like a sexy Dr. Seuss book.

Matthew Kimble:
I don't want her here all day. I don't like her anyway.

Christine Campbell:
There's something about lying on the floor, hiding from our lovers, that's telling me we're not in control of our lives as we should be.

Christine Campbell:
[Christine is stuck near the top of a climbing wall; shouts down] Matthew! Is that you? Where were you? I need you to help get me off!

Matthew:
I need you to use different words!

Christine Campbell:
It's just too incestuous.

Jeff 'Papa Jeff' Hunter:
You dated your second cousin!

Christine Campbell:
Actually, he was my first cousin. And I asked him out.

Jeff 'Papa Jeff' Hunter:
I think your making a mistake.

Christine Campbell:
Yeah, that's what my aunt said.

Jeff 'Papa Jeff' Hunter:
No, about us!

Jeff 'Papa Jeff' Hunter:
[leaves Christine's house]

Christine Campbell:
Man, that is one hot grandpa.

Christine Campbell:
You have got to be freaking kidding me!

Christine Campbell:
You have a gotta be freakin' kidding me!

Barb:
Um, Christine, you've got to get out there. There's a group of ladies in the bathroom who are about to riot. Everyone who works out on Wednesday is on the same cycle, and you're out of Maxi Pads. It's like a CSI crime scene in there.

Christine Campbell:
We agreed that Richie would get his spiritual education at home.

Richard Campbell:
Watching Touched by an Angel is not a spiritual education.

Christine Campbell:
It is if you light incense.

Matthew:
When do you meditate.

Christine Campbell:
In the tub.

Matthew:
That's not meditation, that's mas...

Christine Campbell:
Stop!

Christine Campbell:
You want to play dirty? I can play dirty. I'm filthy. Ask my brother.

Audrey:
Do the world a favor, limit your voting to American Idol.

Richard Campbell:
With men, the sex window is always open. Even if it's not open, it's still unlatched. And even if it's not unlatched, there's always the doggie sex door.

Matthew:
I got my cadaver today, and something weird happened.

Christine Campbell:
It moved. You see, they take them out before they're dead. That's why I don't sign the back of those forms.

Christine Campbell:
You smell like chocolate. Is that racist?

Matthew:
I thought she'd just spend the night and leave. Then she made eggs. I thought she would eat the eggs, then leave. Then she took a bath. I thought she would take a bath, then leave. Then she took a nap. I thought she would take a nap, then leave. Then she went sunbathing, and there she is.

Richard Campbell:
It's like a sexy Dr. Seuss book.

Matthew:
I don't want her to stay. I don't like her anyway.

Christine Campbell:
My brain says no, but my pants say off.

Richard Campbell:
Christine, you've sunk to a new low. You haven't just hit the bottom of the barrel, you've gone under the barrel and dug a hole to Japan. Then you went to the nearest dirty futon and traded underwear with the Iron Chef.

Christine Campbell:
It's so depressing. It's like I've lost my mojo.

Matthew:
I think they have mojo replacement therapy for women your age.