The New Avengers

Purdey:
[running a computer programme] You wouldn't believe how many permitations there are of possible links between 47 people.

Mike Gambit:
Roughly 47 multiplied by known variables to the power of 6.

Purdey:
Gambit, I didn't know you've read mathematics?

Mike Gambit:
I haven't. I do the football pools.

Mike Gambit:
Still with me?

Purdey:
Like paper on a wall.

Purdey:
[reading aloud a list of statistics] 25 of them went to Oxford.

Mike Gambit:
Ah!

Purdey:
23 of them went to Cambridge.

Mike Gambit:
Oh...

Purdey:
One of them went to both.

Mike Gambit:
He must have been schitzoid on boat race day.

Mike Gambit:
Dead?

John Steed:
Dead.

Mike Gambit:
Natural causes?

John Steed:
Natural causes.

Mike Gambit:
Well, there goes my number one suspect for sleeper of the century.

John Steed:
There goes one of the best friends I ever had...

John Steed:
[reading a card] Health farm?

Simon Carter:
[embarrassed smile] Coldstreams idea. Things I'm over doing it. A health farm. I'm going there tonight.

John Steed:
No your not. You're not going.

Simon Carter:
[Carter looks surprised] But you are, but you're not.

Wendy:
We're here to take care of you.

John Steed:
You're quite right. I do need care. Special, personal care.

Cindy:
Just a teeny injection.

Pam:
To help you relax.

John Steed:
I need relaxation.

Wendy:
Exactly. [administers injection]

Mike Gambit:
[Gambit has his hands raised for Jane is aiming a gun at him] Jane, do you mind if I make a suggestion?

Jane:
Go ahead.

Mike Gambit:
Why not have dinner with me tomorrow night? [starts to lower arms but Jane quickly indicates him to keep his arms raised]

Tammy:
[pointing gun at Purdey's head] Now go on, tell me you've got a weight problem.

Purdey:
Well, I suffered agonies at school. Everybody used to call me skinny. I was wondering if you could help me put on a few pounds. In the right places, of course.

Tammy:
How about inches, in hight?

Tammy:
What about Carter?

Wendy:
Processed. Just about to put him in the maze.

Tammy:
Good.

Purdey:
Gambit, switch it off or I'll be playing the Harlem Globetrotters!

Purdey:
Anyway, what's wrong with tall women?

Mike Gambit:
Nothing. Except you never know what you're getting up to. [raises eyebrows]

Wendy:
It's crazy! I mean they're supposed to get lost, not us lose them.

John Steed:
Why look for the way out when I know the way in?

Mike Gambit:
If they are dead, so are you. [aims pistol at close range]

Coldstream:
In cold blood? Oh, come on...

Mike Gambit:
In hot blood, Coldstream. There's Irish on my grannies side.

Mike Gambit:
[having rescued Steed & Purdey from a maze] Amazing...

Mike Gambit:
What was Merton working on?

Purdey:
Ends and odds.

Mike Gambit:
Don't you mean odds and ends?

Purdey:
No. Merton had a different approach.

Turner:
Any indication as to the cause of the crash yet?

Lewington:
Oh I know why it crashed.

Turner:
Why?

Lewington:
It hit the ground.

Purdey:
Any offers? Preferably of an unpredictable nature.

Mike Gambit:
A screeching sound.

John Steed:
Tires on tarmac.

Purdey:
Chalk on a blackboard.

John Steed:
Diamond on glass.

Purdey:
Five thousand robins with a wounded wing.

Mike Gambit:
A bird strike. A flock of birds hit a plane. They shatter the cockpit, jam the engines. It's got to be.

Mike Gambit:
Two feathers.

Purdey:
And one... egg.

Mike Gambit:
We have a problem.

Purdey:
And if it hatches out, a hostage.

Mike Gambit:
What do we do now? Build a nest? You could sit on it, Purdey.

John Steed:
[emerging from swimming pool with Prof. Waterslow] Birds can't swim.

Mike Gambit:
Ducks can.

John Steed:
I didn't claim my plan was perfect.

[surrounded by cats]

Mike Gambit:
P*ssy...

John Steed:
...Galore!

Mike Gambit:
What was all that about?

John Steed:
Well we've got a deal, but this time it's Canada.

Purdey:
Canada, that's marvelous. I've never been there.

Mike Gambit:
Don't worry, I'll fill you in on all the details.

Purdey:
Oh I know what it's like...

Mike Gambit:
You've read books?

Purdey:
Books? I've seen Rosemary. Twice!

Paul Baker:
Purdey, I've heard about you.

Purdey:
Good things I hope?

Paul Baker:
Beautiful things.

Purdey:
Well I'm surprised you can get anything into this building, let alone compliments.

Mike Gambit:
For the last time I'm a British agent!

Sgt. Talbot:
I think I'm beginning to recognize you. You're... no don't tell me... 008.

Sgt. Talbot:
[to Gambit] Oh, by the way, in case you escape before I get back, you know, by using that laser beam you got under your fingernail or that dynamite in that capped tooth, I want you to know it's been a pleasure meeting you. [laughs]

Sgt. Talbot:
You should be more like him, Him I could believe, you know, with the crazy hat and that flashy umbrella, what else could he be but an agent? You should all be like that, makes my job easier.

John Steed:
Are you sure this is just lemonade, Purdey?

Purdey:
Well it looked a bit sad so I added a dash of vodka to cheer it up.

Mike Gambit:
Oh well, in that case. [takes a sip. It makes his voice horse for a few moments] Not bad. You've invented a new drink. Vodka and fizzy lemonade.

Purdey:
And bitters.

John Steed:
To cheer up the vodka.

John Steed:
No, to cheer up the gin.

Mike Gambit:
Persuade aid?

Purdey:
Sounds a bit medical.

John Steed:
A purdka!

Mike Gambit:
Right, yes. Have a purdka.

John Steed:
Now Purdey, the only thing that can't be replaced is the love and life of an old friend. And if the Chinese didn't say that, they damn well ought to have done.

Mark Crayford:
You're trash... But I've worked with trash before, I've made trash work for me. I've controlled it, directed it, lived with it for so long it sticks in my nostrils.

John Steed:
I have a motto about women: always leave them laughing.

John Steed:
[to Purdey] You check the files, I'll check my memories.

Mike Gambit:
This Victor Ludorum, is there a runner up?

Penny Redfern:
Hm, I don't know, sports isn't my line.

Mike Gambit:
Don't say that, I couldn't take two disappointments in one day.

Purdey:
[Steed has survived an attempt on his life] Remarkably lucky. Then you weren't born, were you, Steed? You were found under a four leaf clover.

Mike Gambit:
[to Penny] I don't think we know each other well enough for you to dress my more eh, serious wound... yet.

Mark Crayford:
[baiting Steed through speaker] I want you to die by inches, Steed. By minutes, seconds. [pause] Like me.

Purdey:
And you never told him you knew?

John Steed:
He desperately needed to win. How could I tell him? He was my friend.

General Stevens:
This is iniquitous! I don't know what's going on here, but I surely do know that that man needs medical attention. It's against all the rules of humanity.

Soldier:
You what? U-manity?

Mike Gambit:
I called you over because, eh, well, I get lonely sometimes.

Purdey:
That solves it.

Mike Gambit:
What?

Purdey:
You're Christmas present's been bothering me. I'll buy you a dog.

Mike Gambit:
Two heads are better than one.

Purdey:
I'm definitely not buying you another head.

Mike Gambit:
Watch the film.

Colonel Foster:
[picks up drink] You've iced it. If I've told you once, I've told you a hundred times: Ice...

Purdey:
Is only fit for peasants and polar bears.

Colonel 'Mad Jack' Miller:
I'm afraid we have no facilities for the imprisonment of young women.

Purdey:
You mean you haven't got a hairdryer?

Purdey:
What you need, Mike Gambit, is a little diversion.

Soldier:
Yeah, little girls go for a uniform, do they?

Purdey:
No, that's dogs.

Soldier:
Eh?

Purdey:
Dogs they go for postmen.

Mike Gambit:
[Purdey has handed Gambit her bra] Oh... a double-barrel slingshot. Why didn't you burn this with all the other girls?

Purdey:
Didn't have to. I knew I was emancipated.

Purdey:
[Gambit has located Purdey by means of bird whistles] Now what should we do? Build a nest?

Mike Gambit:
[to Purdey] Are you in good shape? [pause] Silly question.

John Steed:
Miss Daly?

Miss Daly:
Yes?

Phillips:
It's about your car.

Miss Daly:
Emily? What about it?

Purdey:
Where is it?

Miss Daly:
It's been stolen?

Mike Gambit:
No.

Miss Daly:
You. You crashed into it.

Mike Gambit:
No.

Miss Daly:
There was an accident and...

Purdey:
No accident.

Miss Daly:
You, you crashed into it on purpose?

Mike Gambit:
We haven't seen your car.

John Steed:
But we would like too.

Miss Daly:
Ooh... [giggles] Now I understand. Admirers.

Police Radio Operator:
Can you give me a discription?

Hank the Mechanic:
Yeah, brown and with a bowler hat.

Police Radio Operator:
I see. And can you describe the car?

Hank the Mechanic:
The car? That was the car!

John Steed:
I don't think it was the Fox himself, or one of his followers. The conclusion: they've moved into the area after us.

Mike Gambit:
A pack of Foxes.

Purdey:
Wolves. It's a pack of wolves. Foxes are ehm... Oh Gambit, stop changing the subject.

Mike Gambit:
What was the subject?

Mike Gambit:
[Emily is out of fuel, but Gambit has spotted a home made distillery] I think I've got the answer: alcohol.

Purdey:
Gambit you know alcohol is only a temporary solution. You know you always wake up with a headache and a hangover.

Mike Gambit:
What do you think, Steed?

John Steed:
Well, it depends how much you drink... and whether you can handle it or not.

Mike Gambit:
[Purdey has knocked out the giant chicken farmer] What'd you do that for? I was winning!

Purdey:
Winning? If you'd won any more you'd wouldn't have been able to stand up.

Police Radio Operator:
Control to all units. The wanted car, a brown plymouth, license number HHP999 has been seen. Units are warned that it has changed it's disguise... and is now wearing a cowboy hat?

John Steed:
Well this fuel could certainly take us to the moon, but not to the top of that hill.

Purdey:
Did you ever get the feeling...

Mike Gambit:
That your journey...

John Steed:
Wasn't really necessary?

Sheila Rainor:
I think the stole his mole.

John Steed:
I beg your pardon?

Sheila Rainor:
Nigel's mole. I know it sounds stupid, but I think someone, for some reason removed it. Now isn't that stupid?

John Steed:
If I'm right, and doubles are being infiltrated, how do we know it is Purdey?

Mike Gambit:
No two girls could have a figure like that.

Purdey:
[fake American accent] Alright, Mike Gambit, we know you're in there, come out with your hands high!

Purdey:
[Mike opens the door, Purdey points her fingers at him as if they were a gun, still with the accent] Assume the position.

Purdey:
[Gambit gries to embrace her, Purdey eludes him and enters the apartment, normal voice] Trust you to think of that position.

Mike Gambit:
[posing as Gambit double Walton] Supposin' we bump into each other?

Dr. Prator:
No fear of that. Mullins intends bumping into him first. Don't you, Mullins?

Mullins:
Not so much a bump as a 'twang'.

Mike Gambit:
[posing as Walton] Lolita, is it?

Purdey:
[posing as Lolita] I can't help it, my mom liked the film. You see it reminded her of my dad. And if you're thinking of calling me Lo, I smash your face in!

Purdey:
[phoney American accent] It's quiet. Too darn quiet.

John Steed:
He did what?

Mike Gambit:
We knew you wouldn't like it. He dropped it into the lake. No, it was more extrovert than that, he threw it.

John Steed:
What do you mean by extrovert?

Mike Gambit:
The opposite to introvert.

Glover:
This is a mark 5, no doubt about it. Quite useless to us. And, eh, if you don't mind my saying so, your whole operation here seems to be quite useless.

Purdey:
I do mind you saying so.

Captain Malachev:
Never underestimate Steed. The prisons and graveyards are littered with those who made that mistake.

Purdey:
I've got it!

Mike Gambit:
Rhythm? Flu?

Purdey:
What we were talking about the other day. The fickleness of man.

Mike Gambit:
[spots someone walking by] I know that face.

Purdey:
I said that man was infinitely more changeable than women, more restless.

Mike Gambit:
I've seen it on file somewhere.

Purdey:
And you of course disagreed.

Mike Gambit:
He's a hitman, a heavy. [gets out]

Purdey:
You said that no man would ever up and leave a woman. Not if he really...

Purdey:
[turns around, notices Gambit has gone]... cared for her?

Hosking:
Oh, you collect birds eggs."

Purdey:
No, fish.

Hosking:
Fish? Fish are nesting in the trees?

Purdey:
Well, of course.

Captain Malachev:
It is Purdey I believe? I have seen your face in files many times, but I have never had the pleasure.

Purdey:
You and a hundred others.

Hosking:
Fishin'?

John Steed:
Yes.

Hosking:
They're in the trees, ya know.

Purdey:
Ah, you get your furnishing the same place Steed gets his bowlers.

Captain Malachev:
Crash dive!

Mike Gambit:
Well, well, what is steel hearted Purdey doing here?

Purdey:
I am a woman. Women are allowed their idiosyncrasies.

Mike Gambit:
And nobody knows that better than I.

George:
[finds a pair of rubber boots in the sewer] These belong to the maintenance man.

Mike Gambit:
Yes, I know.

George:
I've heard of going barefoot in the park...

Purdey:
[holding up pair of boots] He died with his boots off?

Mike Gambit:
Or he was snatched. Along with George.

Mike Gambit:
[aiming a rocket gun at Chislenko] If I hit your little finger with this thing, friend... it will take your whole arm off.

Mike Gambit:
[fires a warning shot, Chislenko drops his weapon] Assume the position. I assume you know how to assume?

John Steed:
You saw it?

Mike Gambit:
I felt it.

John Steed:
Well, what was it, a killer shark?

Mike Gambit:
A killer shark, no.

John Steed:
What was it?

Mike Gambit:
It was a snake.

Mike Gambit:
[Steed is stirring up something smelly in his best silverwear as Gambit enters] You don't actually intend eating that, eh, whatever it is?

John Steed:
No. But I have every intention as soon as it's properly cooked of, eh... poof... smearing it over the walls.

John Steed:
[Gambit has found a skull] Well, it's not Yorick.

Mike Gambit:
[Steed is wearing a medal] What did you get that for? Ruthlessness in the field?

John Steed:
Dedication to duty.

Mike Gambit:
Hmm. Same thing.

Mike Gambit:
Do you know you and I have never faced each other?

John Steed:
You're too young to die, Gambit. Besides, I never fight fair.

Mike Gambit:
[speaking to Purdey's mother on the phone] And by the way, I hope to have dinner with you sometime.

John Steed:
[Purdey has got an apple propped into her mouth] Last time I saw something like that was at the Savoy grill. Quite delicious.

Purdey:
You mean you were prepared to hand these over for me?

John Steed:
It's only paper. You're Purdey.

John Steed:
I never did tell you about my marriage, my one and only marriage. I married a job, I married a profession. I've been very faithful.

Mike Gambit:
[to Purdey] If you're thinking of throwing yourself away, throw yourself my way.

Purdey:
As thought someone had taken the teddy bear out of your bed.

John Steed:
I don't have a teddy bear in my bed.

Mike Gambit:
He keeps it in a safe deposit, along with his other valuables.

Olga:
And you're always making jokes.

John Steed:
Make jokes, not war.

Olga:
I thought it was 'make love, not war'.

John Steed:
What a delightful idea!

John Steed:
Remember when you're screaming, you're screaming for England.

Purdey:
If the lovely Olga is going to be squeezed, I think I should be there too. Just in case you get...

Purdey, Mike Gambit:
Carried away.

John Steed:
[to Olga] I feel deeply ashamed at hitting a woman. But you were unlucky, you came along when I needed to hit something.

John Steed:
What are we whispering for?

Roland:
There. [indicates two roses tied together with a string] They're mating.

John Steed:
What, right out here in the open? Very permissive of them.

Purdey:
Didn't I tell you? My father's a bishop. He'll track it down in no time. [takes pictures from Steed, moves to exit]

John Steed:
Purdey? [she turns at the door] You said that your father was shot as a spy ten years ago.

Purdey:
That's before he became a bishop. [opens door and leaves]

Purdey:
Purdey? [she sticks her head back into the room] Before?

Purdey:
Before my father became a bishop. My mother remarried.

Purdey:
Well, it's like finding out Buckingham Palace has been leased for Chinese.

John Steed:
A mixed metaphor, but I get the point.

Mike Gambit:
[about Purdey] Did she use her most potent weapon?

Spence:
Eh?

Mike Gambit:
Her big helpless smile.

Jo:
[looking at three framed pictures displayed in Steeds' home] Who are these?

John Steed:
Oh, Just some fillies I've toyed with.

Jo:
Oh... [picks up picture of Cathy Gale] She's magnificent.

John Steed:
[pouring a drink] Yes, beautiful. We went through some tricky situations together. Faithful. Reliable.

Jo:
[puts down first picture, touches the second, Emma Peel] And this one?

John Steed:
Well, very spirited and very special. Fantastic creature. Had to take a whip to her, though, sometimes.

Jo:
[touches the third picture, Tara King] And the other one?

John Steed:
[walking slowly towards Jo] Excellent. Great action. But liked her oats too much. I sold her to an Arab prince. I think he eventually had to shoot her."

Jo:
Shoot her?

John Steed:
[grinning] Oh, I thought you meant...

Jo:
Oh!

John Steed:
[moves over to another three framed pictures, of horses] I thought you were referring to these...

Lt. Stanislav:
Be careful with him. Be delicate. You know rumour has it he is more than a hundred years old.

Emma Peel:
[on phone] Steed, what are you up to?

John Steed:
[in telephone box] A Russian soldier who died of old age.

Emma Peel:
Well everyone does eventually.

John Steed:
[chuckles] Yes, but this one decimated half of Berkshire before he went

Emma Peel:
Sounds like quite a problem.

John Steed:
Yes. And one we may never solve.

Emma Peel:
[on phone with Steed] I've changed my name. I'm not Mrs. Peel anymore.

John Steed:
[grins] Yes I know. But you're still Mrs. Peel to me.

Purdey:
Gambit, that was magnificent.

Mike Gambit:
That was damn silly. I must have a word with my karate master. I think I've dislocated my knee.

Colonel Martin:
Well, you've more than dislocated his neck, it's broken.

Mike Gambit:
One last question. Will you have dinne...

Jeanine Leparge:
[interrupting] Apartement B, 24 Rue De Fleur. I shall be ready at 8.30.

Mike Gambit:
You'll choose the restaurant?

Jeanine Leparge:
Apartement B, 24 Rue De Fleur. I'm an excellent cook. But you may choose what we do afterwards.

Mike Gambit:
Yes, eh... I'm sure I'll think of something...

Purdey:
I found a way to a man's stomach.

John Steed:
Oh?

Purdey:
It's not through his heart.

General Gaspard:
[holding a broken bust of Napoleon] Napoleon is dead.

John Steed:
Well, had to happen.

General Gaspard:
There was a Sir Everington Steed at Waterloo. A relative?

John Steed:
Well, you can't hold me entirely responsible for Waterloo, General.

Purdey:
Gambit, we wanted him alive.

Mike Gambit:
Conflict of interests. I wanted you alive.

Col. Stanislav:
For one man to bow to the suggests inequality. We are all equal.

Ambassador Toy:
Yes Colonel, I am sorry.

Col. Stanislav:
To say sorry is to admit failure.

Ambassador Toy:
I am eh... I am... pleased to see you.

Col. Stanislav:
At the moment perhaps. But in a few minutes you may not be.

Lt. Stanislav:
So, you are 102 years old, huh? Well now ask yourself this question lama: do you want to reach 103?

Colonel Martin:
Come, they have shot Napoleon, but not his cognac, hm?

Jeanine Leparge:
[reveals one of the Russian soldiers who died of old age] They are all the same.

Colonel Martin:
But... but how, why?

Jeanine Leparge:
Total degeneration.

Purdey:
Gambit's speciality.

Jeanine Leparge:
A speeded up process of senility, that is the how of it, Colonel, the why, I am still working on.

Outdoor Cafe Waiter:
Wife swapping in broad daylight. The world is changing...

Ambassador Toy:
Two K-agents at large.

John Steed:
K-agents?

Ambassador Toy:
K for Kill, in any language.

Purdey:
[Steed has been shot] Straight through the heart.

Mike Gambit:
He taught us everything we know.

Purdey:
[voice breaking] He was good... and honest... and true

Purdey:
[Steed blinks] And he's still alive!

Mike Gambit:
He can't be. How can he be?

John Steed:
Because I'm a gentleman.

Col. Stanislav:
Excess is not pleasure. Pleasure is one degree below Excess. You tell me that when I was just a child. Father, dear father [kisses Turkov's hand]

Purdey:
I am a girl and I will not let that fact go unnoticed.

Mike Gambit:
She is a girl.

John Steed:
Indisputably.

Mike Gambit:
All right, Purdey, we've taken a vote on it, and you're quite definitely, a girl.

Col. Stanislav:
Shoot straight and well.

Turkov - K Agent:
I will. Goodbye, my son.

Colonel Martin:
What I am trying to achieve Minster, is for no hell to be let loose, not the smallest whiff of brimstone.

John Steed:
[Steed almost gets shot in a graveyard] I'd say that was a...

Purdey:
Grave moment?

Kerov:
[Having awarded Steed The Siberian Star and Gambit the The Mongolian Medal, Kerov turns to Purdey] And for you: The Little Mothers of the Earth and Tractor Drivers and Heavy Industry Award. For France, for us, for the world, for services rendered.

Freddie Mason:
Money has a cutting edge, doesn't it?

Richards:
The death of Steed may only bring more hounds snapping at your heels. But do not worry, my friend. I am a superb killing machine and between us, we will find a way.

Victoria Stanton:
[trying to get a feeling from Steed's watch] It tells me nothing.

Purdey:
Not even the time?

Purdey:
Steed doesn't like the ballet.

John Steed:
Only ballerina's

Purdey:
You're going to regret this, McBain. Steed will deal with your ridiculous suggestions one by one. Calmly, coldly, and clinically.

John Steed:
As a matter of fact, I abhore guns. I don't even have a gun except for an old Colt 45 and that's just for sentimental reasons.

John Steed:
[to Gambit] Hello, what brings you here? Premonition?

John Steed:
How are you feeling?

Purdey:
Like jelly. Like someone with three bullets and a fractured thigh.

Purdey:
Reliving the past? An old friend? 'Cept that you and he didn't look that eh, friendly. [snaps fingers] Childhood sweetheart. Used to go for that type, eh?

Purdey:
Look, Gambit, as you're so curious, I will tell you. [pause] It's none of your business.

Larry Doomer:
If you were to come back to me I think I'd... stop this right now. Forget all the old wounds.

Purdey:
I'm sorry Larry.

Larry Doomer:
Besides, I don't want any unnecessary killing.

Kilner:
No unnecessary killing. An hour from now we're going to wipe out the Houses of Parliament.

Kilner:
Doomer, maybe we should work together again. A good team.

Purdey:
[a waiter has brought Steed a telephone in a restaurant] That'll ruin your indigestion, Steed.

John Steed:
I'm not going to eat it, I'm just going to make a call.

Purdey:
[Steed is having no luck on the telephone] Is he not answering?

Mike Gambit:
You can borrow my little black book.

Purdey:
Steed doesn't need a little black book. What little black book?

Mike Gambit:
A slim volume of hints for growing boys.

Mike Gambit:
I'm not into pajamas myself... [opens a closet full of unopened pajamas]

Mike Gambit:
But I have an aunt who thinks I should be. [hands one over to Steed]

Mike Gambit:
Every birthday I, eh, get a new pair.

John Steed:
They are red. It's George the hotel porter. He must have got me a hundred cabs in his time. I never knew he wore red socks.

Policeman:
Siren?

Policeman:
Why not? If it's good enough for Kojak, it's good enough for us.

George Myers:
You're a very wonderful human being, Purdey.

Purdey:
But a terrible kangaroo.

George Myers:
You do like me a little then?

Purdey:
I like you a lot, but then I like Beethoven a lot.

George Myers:
The difference is he's dead and I'm very much alive.

Purdey:
But you're playing in the wrong key.

John Steed:
Thank goodness.

Mike Gambit:
Are we pleased to see you.

John Steed:
It's imperative.

Mike Gambit:
Urgent.

Mike Gambit:
Desperate.

Purdey:
What on earth?

John Steed:
Where's George?

Mike Gambit:
George Myers.

Purdey:
George?

John Steed:
You were supposed to be with him today.

Purdey:
Well, as a matter of fact...

Mike Gambit:
It's essential we find him, Purdey.

John Steed:
Find him right away.

Purdey:
Well if you'd let me get a word in edgeways, I'll tell you were he is.

John Steed:
Where?

Purdey:
Outside in my car.

Titherbridge:
[to Gambit] If you want to keep looking at files, then you should get a set of your own. And mine can remain neat and catalogued and undisturbed.

Mike Gambit:
I'd like to think there was a rule book, cricket and all that. But there isn't a book, just one rule: stay alive.

Prof. Lopez:
I'm sorry about the heat, the humidity. I have to keep the place at tropical temperature; else every damned plant will die on me. I suggest you take of your tie and jacket.

John Steed:
If the plants can take it I can. I just think cool.

Prof. Lopez:
And try this, it's a distillation of my own brew. Whiskey, weed bark and a little touch of snakehead. You like it?

John Steed:
A little strong on the snakehead.

John Steed:
But why only those who are going on leave?

Mike Gambit:
A plot to disrupt the tourist board?

Dr. Kendrick:
[thinking about the little red dots] That's funny.

Mike Gambit:
Not the way I said it.

John Steed:
I want Purdey.

Mike Gambit:
Who doesn't?

John Steed:
[Purdey has just knocked out 4 Nazis with high kicks] Where did you learn that, the Royal Marines?

Purdey:
[two Nazi's get up, Purdey knocks them down with another couple of kicks] The Royal Ballet, they threw me out.

John Steed:
[one Nazi casts a fishing line at Steed, who grabs it and pulls the man against a pillar] What did you do, maim the leading man in his pas de deux?

Purdey:
Too tall.

John Steed:
[pointing a gun at four Nazi's, two of whom are armed with poisoned fishing rods] I abhor violence. And loud gunshots make me blink.

Purdey:
[Purdey & Steed are locked up in seperate cells] Steed, I want to confess...

John Steed:
[dresses as a monk] The habit was just a disguise.

Purdey:
I don't really think you're like St. Paul's Cathedral.

John Steed:
What?

Purdey:
Gambit used to think you were old fashioned. But I said, suppose you are? So is St. Pauls, and you've both survived a very long time.

Father Trasker:
This island is ours now, Herr Doctor. Over the years we have populated and controlled it. It is ours now.

Von Claus:
The last bastion of Nazi Germany?

Father Trasker:
No, the first. From here we will spread and grow and conquer again!

John Steed:
[having been discovered amongst a group of Nazi's chanting Sieg Heil] Rule Britannia?

Purdey:
Mike Gambit, one of these days...

Mike Gambit:
I know. I'm looking forward to it.

Mike Gambit:
Any lead on who clobbered you?

John Steed:
A black Mercedes.

Mike Gambit:
Brown hyphen Fitch. Is the Fitch spelled with a small 'f' or a big one?

Brown-Fitch:
A big 'f'!

Mike Gambit:
It suits you.

John Steed:
[about Purdey's lipstick] What a pretty shade of pink.

Purdey:
[a bit miffed] Pink! It's called 'sins of youth'.

John Steed:
That's not a colour, it's an accusation.

Gerda:
You're quite sure you have no German blood?

Mike Gambit:
Oh, I have that.

Gerda:
I knew it.

Mike Gambit:
I took three bullets while scrambling over the wall last year. Your people gave me a transfusion. Dinner tonight... is out of the question. But Saturday perhaps?

Nazi Corporal:
You are to be executed immediately.

John Steed:
Well, thank goodness you broke it to me gently.

Barnoff:
Ten seconds to go. That's precision, Cresta. Take note and learn.

Purdey:
Well, as the posters say: it's a big country.

Mike Gambit:
Yes. Needle in a haystack.

Purdey:
Negative thinking, Gambit.

Mike Gambit:
Give me something positive to hold on to.

Purdey:
Well... well what if Columbus had said that?

Mike Gambit:
But he didn't.

Purdey:
Exactly.

Boris Tarnokoff:
[about Steed] Oh, he should have been Russian. It is one of the crimes of nature he wasn't born Russian.

John Steed:
I think all our wires are dangerously crossed. Now Chuck has lost two security men.

Chuck Peters:
Right.

John Steed:
And you have lost Colonel Sminsky and two men.

Boris Tarnokoff:
Two, against our three? I win! Don't I?

John Steed:
For the moment I think we're all losing.

Mike Gambit:
Trouble somewhere. Worth a look, do you think?

Purdey:
Well, trouble is our business.

John Steed:
[to Canadian police officer] Why don't you come, too? After all, it is your country.

Purdey:
This all has to do with Karl Sminsky, doesn't it?

John Steed:
It's just a theory.

Purdey:
Well, so was Newton's law of gravity.

John Steed:
There are certain places in the Eastern hemisphere where men are trained in serversion.

Purdey:
I know those places. Some of them masquerade as Universities.

John Steed:
They are really courses in sophisticated killing.

Purdey:
Honors in anarchy.

Mike Gambit:
Sorry, wrong side of the road. Force of habit.

Mike Gambit:
Steed, his hands are lethal!

John Steed:
Only if they touch you.

Purdey:
Nice fighting.

Mike Gambit:
Nice shooting.

John Steed:
Nice holiday.

Purdey:
[Purdy finds Gambit kneeling outside her door] Why are you lurking out there?

Mike Gambit:
Lurking? [stands up] I'm not.

Purdey:
Well, you're not now, but you were, you're whole attitude is one of pure and positive lurk.

Tom Fitzroy:
[to Steed] What a pity you're not wearing your hat. Why, I could have told you to hold on to it.

Purdey:
I want you to accompany me.

Mike Gambit:
On the piano?

Mike Gambit:
[Gabit has just rolled off his sleeping couch] I suppose you think that's funny?

Purdey:
No, I don't really go in for slapstick and bananaskins. Coward now, or Moliere...

Felix Kane:
Malov!

Malov:
Sir.

Felix Kane:
I am wearing my beaming face?

Malov:
Indeed, sir.

Felix Kane:
Good.

John Steed:
[Steed has just regained consciousness] What happened?

Purdey:
I am very disappointed. 'What happened', that's a terribly coy thing to say, Steed. You could have said 'Where is the party?'. That at least would have been different and fairly amusing. Or you could have muttered something unintelligible in Latin.

Mike Gambit:
On the other hand, he might want to know what happened. You were hit. And I'll give you even money you know by whom or what.

John Steed:
No bet.

Felix Kane:
[showing Mason his disfigured features] Now you know why I'm doing this. I am only half a man. And they did this to me.

Purdey:
Steed's worried.

Mike Gambit:
Furrows under the bowler.

Purdey:
And Steed never worries.

Mike Gambit:
It's a feature of the man.

Purdey:
He never never worries, not unless he's worried.

Mike Gambit:
Which means it's serious.

Purdey:
Very, very serious. And that is very very serious, if you get my meaning.

Purdey:
[speaking about Cybermen] Did I leave anything out?

Mike Gambit:
Only that you love me very much.

Purdey:
Besides that.

Mike Gambit:
No. That's the full story.

Purdey:
I didn't mention Mrs. Emma Peel.

Mike Gambit:
You never do.

John Steed:
[Steeds's place is a shambles following his birthday party] Oh Mrs. Weir?

Mrs. Weir:
Yea?

John Steed:
Are you a woman of high moral standards?

Mrs. Weir:
Well of course!

John Steed:
Then I should leave the guest bedroom till tomorrow.

Minister:
The Unicorn. He has a triple D rating.

Purdey:
Which means he's in the top five of the Good Spy guide. A ruthless killer.

John Steed:
A ruthless, brilliant killer.

Unicorn:
I can't tell you what a relieve it is to know that I have been taken by the very best professionals. I despise the second rate.

Commander LeParge:
They have asked for the Unicorn, the Unicorn they must have.

John Steed:
Well indeed they can

Commander LeParge:
[relieved] Aaah.

John Steed:
There's only one problem...

Commander LeParge:
There can be no problems, monsieur.

John Steed:
Well it's the Unicorn. He's just a teeny bit dead.

Commander LeParge:
This is catastrophic.

John Steed:
[sipping his brandy] Well it's certainly not a five-star Napoleon, but I'd hardly call it catastrophic.

John Steed:
The situation is catastrophic. Steed, this is no time for jokes. On the contrary, if you've faced as many problems as I have, You'd realize that the only saving grace was a sence of humour.

Marco:
[speaking into a makeshift walkie talkie] Most ingenious, Steed. If you try a double cross, I press my button.

John Steed:
[answering through intercom] And if you try anything, the Unicorn will be looking for a new horn.

John Steed:
Pity I have to go look for a fat man. I had something altogether thinner in mind. [glances out the window to his latest girlfriend and horse]

Mike Gambit:
Purdey, we wanted him alive...

Purdey:
Difficult decision. Him or you.

Hong Kong Harry:
That's all I know, Steed, I promise. I, I swear to you on my mother's grave.

John Steed:
Harry, you couldn't even find your mother's grave. You sold it for development years ago.

Mike Gambit:
The man that shot our fat - [corrects himself] thin friend, I found that on him. [hands Steeds a party invitation]

John Steed:
What happened to him?

Purdey:
He sort of fell for me.

Mike Gambit:
From a great hight.

John Steed:
Hm.

Mike Gambit:
Just hm?

John Steed:
Or if you prefer, hm hm.

Mike Gambit:
Two hm's?

Purdey:
Must be better than one hm. [hands Gambit a drink]

John Steed:
Now is the time for all good men... [hands the invitation back to Gambit]

Mike Gambit:
[Purdey takes Gambits drink so his hand is free to receive back the card] To come to the aid of the party. [Hong Kong Harry sighs loudly]

Doctor:
Our tests are only preliminary, you understand, but so far it appears these people died of typhus, typhoid, malaria, pneumonia, smallpox, blackwater fever and beriberi. Yes Mr. Gambit, they died of everything.

Sing:
Thank you again, Mr. Steed. May you have the blessing of many sons.

John Steed:
Well due to the fact that I'm not married, many sons might prove rather an embarrassment. Of course you were prepared to become personally involved in the event?

Lieutenant:
This is no place for you... Miss, Mrs?

Purdey:
Just Purdey.

Turner:
You are very beautiful, yet in my eyes quite worthless in comparisson to her. [touches a golden statue]

Purdey:
I bet she can't cook an omelette, French style. With vinerbe.

John Steed:
You should take up motor racing.

Mike Gambit:
I did. Lamont, Spa, Montzen, Daytona... I crashed at them all.

John Steed:
If you're thinking of bestowing a reward, your highness, eh... could you possibly make it three?

Poole:
[Roach & Poole have completely taken apart Brandon's car] [laughs] Nothing! Nothing at all!.

Poole:
[another chortle] What'll we do now? Put it all together again? [Roach slaps Poole across the face]

Mike Gambit:
Purdey! Are you ok?

Purdey:
Bit bruised, that's all.

Mike Gambit:
I'm renowned for my healing hands.

Purdey:
[referring to Brandon's dead body] It's a bit late for that, Gambit.

Purdey:
[Gambit is lying on the floor reading 'The Tale of the Big Y'] He's read that chapter twice already.

John Steed:
'Bessie's mating habits'.

Purdey:
Very badly written.

John Steed:
And anatomically impossible.

Mike Gambit:
Oh, I don't know. Certainly works you up - to a good appetite. [Steed grins]

Mike Gambit:
[gets up] Time for dinner, isn't, it, Purdey? Steed? [puts book down on table]

John Steed:
[picks up the book] The answer's in the book. And my taste buds won't be rejuvenated until I've found it.

Purdey:
[about Steed] He needs a phrenologist like he needs a hole in the head.

John Steed:
[Steed & Gambit have been forced to travel the countryside on foot] What fantastic luck.

Mike Gambit:
You've seen a car.

John Steed:
Better than that...

Mike Gambit:
A mixed sauna, with a licensed bar.

John Steed:
The blue Perrywinkle. [stoops down to pick a flower]

Mike Gambit:
Blue what?

John Steed:
I never knew it grew in that kind of soil... Think of your soul, Gambit, think of your soul.

Mike Gambit:
[looks at the soul on one of his shoes] Yes...

Mike Gambit:
Purdey, we are supposed to be under cover...

Purdey:
Well, he waved first.

Mike Gambit:
He is a first class fool.

Purdey:
First class? Hmm, you gave him top marks. Could be worse.

Juventor:
Colonel, with this device I can obtain for you the unobtainable. And the unobtainable is cheap at any p-p-price.

Purdey:
The way to a man's knees, is through his stomach.

Mike Gambit:
I heard it's the way to a man's heart.

Purdey:
Oh, and what have you got against knees?

Mike Gambit:
Mine or yours?

Purdey:
[Gambit kicks in a door which falls off it's hinges and enters, aiming his revolver] You do that awfully well.

Mike Gambit:
I get a lot of practice.

General:
And so it was Steed who came up with the answer.

Purdey:
He usually does.

Roger Masgard:
I think you are very attractive.

Purdey:
Just as well, my orders are to stick close to you.

Roger Masgard:
With orders like that, I'm delighted I'm in danger.

Helen McKay:
And I'm supposed to feel safe with you around?

Mike Gambit:
You don't?

Helen McKay:
[shaking her head] You are a very attractive man, Mike.

Mike Gambit:
I never argue with a beautiful woman.

Helen McKay:
Mike...

Mike Gambit:
Helen.

Helen McKay:
Take your clothes off.

Ranson:
[on phone] I hope you have the money prepared, I am now the three handed game.

Purdey:
I could tap before I could walk.

John Steed:
[having received a message from 'the Flyer'] The Flyer?

Mike Gambit:
Sounds like the fifties and sixties. The flyer, the butcher, the baker.

Purdey:
The candlestick maker.

Mike Gambit:
You used a lot of funny names in those days, didn't you?

John Steed:
They weren't funny. I was the New Doberman.

Mike Gambit:
Woof woof.

Purdey:
That's an awful lot of morse.

John Steed:
They abbreviated it. Cut it short after the D. The New D.

Purdey:
The nudie?

Mike Gambit:
[looking through old files] Steed? You tell me about this incident in Istanbul. Devilish clever use of the garlic sausage.

John Steed:
You're supposed to be spying on them, not me!

Purdey:
What about you seventeen years ago?

Mike Gambit:
Me, I was discovering sex.

Purdey:
What a waste of time. You might have been learning to drive.

Purdey:
Anyway, from what I hear, you've already been around quite a bit.

Mike Gambit:
Been at keyholes again, Purdey?

Purdey:
It's common knowledge in the department.

Mike Gambit:
Just hearsay.

Purdey:
The typing pool affair?

Mike Gambit:
Rumour.

Purdey:
The undersecretary's undersecretary?

Mike Gambit:
Jealousy?

Purdey:
The Russian Countess, so-called?

Mike Gambit:
Ah yes, well, eh, that was was an under cover job and I, eh, took them literally.

Purdey:
[shouting] Take your hands off me, you brute! You can't make me do it! I'll never marry you, never! I hate you!

Purdey:
[having just embarrassed Gambit in a church] Quick thinking, eh? I got us about a tricky situation without any embarrassment.

Mike Gambit:
No embarrassment, no embarrassment at all!

John Steed:
They went to catch a flyer, they caught a catcher.

Irwin Gunner:
[on radio] White Rat, this message is for you. Now I know what I'm up against. I'd forgotten how quickly rats breed. How many of you now? A whole department?

Cromwell:
[to operator] Try and get a fix.

Irwin Gunner:
Rats can hide. But not from me, we both know that, don't we? I've put my mark on you. I'm going to cut off your tail. Destroy you.

Grant:
[surprised by Gunner in his bathtub] Gunner!

Irwin Gunner:
It's been a long time.

Grant:
For pitty's sake I do have a front door.

Irwin Gunner:
Oh, I didn't know if you'd open it to my knocking or not.

Grant:
[sat in his bath] Can I offer you a drink?... Cigar?... A bit of soap?

Purdey:
You play rough, Mr. Cromwell.

Cromwell:
[pouring a drink] You play rougher, Purdey.

Purdey:
I wasn't playing.

Cromwell:
Nor I, skoll. [they clink]

Purdey:
Cheers.

Cromwell:
[slight pause] Well, know what?

Purdey:
[looks him up and down] I think you'd better take your trousers off.

John Steed:
You were sipping brandy? Like this? [pours himself a drink]

Grant:
Yes. I say, Steed, what is it?

John Steed:
Excelent. Fine Napoleon, I facet.

Finder:
[throws a loud of old files on the table] There you are. 1960 through to '65

Mike Gambit:
Thanks. [picks up the first file] No dust.

Finder:
Hm?

Mike Gambit:
Dust is almost mandatory in this place. [blows on it] Where's the dust?

Finder:
I can get you some, the 1930 files.

Mike Gambit:
Somebody else has been through these files, recently. Who?

John Steed:
You see my position, minister, I have to suspect everyone. My recurring nightmare is that one day I might even have to arrest myself.

Minister Quaintance:
I sincerely hope not.

Irwin Gunner:
Who's that?

John Steed:
I know I'm seventeen years late, but welcome back, Gunner.

Marty Brine:
Windsor Castle is also mentioned in the Doomsday book of 1084. This is just some of the useless information that I carry around with me. [smiles broadly] It's funny how people who live in a place don't know as much about it as people who visit.

Purdey:
Well I knew that, I just didn't want to get into a long, boring explanation.

Purdey:
[to Gambit] Well you can be telepathic. About five drinks and ten minutes after midnight in a discoteque I can sometimes tell what your thinking. But this time...

Marty Brine:
She's not bionic, is she? Purdey. I mean she's just so perfect I thought maybe someone had made her.

John Steed:
Some have tried. Many have floundered.

Purdey:
[Marty has been shot] We have a dinner date, remember?

Purdey:
? [he nods] I hate a man who stands me up.

Purdey:
[he dies] Marty!

Mike Gambit:
[looks out plane window] We should be heading due west, shouldn't we?

John Steed:
Should be.

Mike Gambit:
Well unless someone's moved the North star, we're traveling due East.

Soo Choy:
No, I've acted quickly, efficiently. You will stand in admiration of my swift audacity.

John Steed:
That was without a doubt the worst landing I've ever seen.

Mike Gambit:
Well, we're all down in one piece, aren't we?

John Steed:
Not quite. [winces in pain] My arm's broken.

Purdey:
Are you sure?

John Steed:
[a beat] It is my arm

John Steed:
Ever been on the wrong end of charging rhino?

Purdey:
Well not this week, no.

John Steed:
I had that misfortune once, a flag shot won't do. The only chance is to go straight for the brain.

Purdey:
Me Tarzan. No, that's not right. Me Jane. No. Me Purdey.

John Steed:
Don't worry about me.

Mike Gambit:
Don't you ever worry about me

John Steed:
Sometimes, yeah.

Mike Gambit:
Well what's wrong with me worrying about you? There's nothing in the rulebook about me worrying about you.

John Steed:
There's nothing about not worrying either.

Mike Gambit:
Look, I...

Purdey:
Look this is very touching, but can't we keep the semantics 'till later, they're forming to march up here.

Soo Choy:
But you're not laughing now, Mr. Gambit.

Purdey:
Well I've heard it before.

Mike Gambit:
You helped kill Brine. Marty Brine. That's gonna make it easier.

Soo Choy:
Easier?

Mike Gambit:
Yes. When I get a chance to take a swing at you, I'm gonna know why I'm enjoying it.