The Newsroom

Police Officer:
You're a big guy, okay? Don't do anything that's gonna make us nervous.

Lonny Church:
Nothing I can do about being big and black at the same time.

Don Keefer:
[to fellow passengers on the plane] She set the Treasury Secretary of fire.

Sloan Sabbith:
[to Peter] It's true.

Peter:
Why?

Sloan Sabbith:
Just to show the other Cabinet Secretaries that I could.

Nina Howard:
Hey Will... We're journalists.

Will McAvoy:
I wish you hadn't said that.

Nina Howard:
What?

Will McAvoy:
Everything would've been cool if you hadn't said that. You just talk too much.

Nina Howard:
You have a problem with me calling myself a journalist? Only the elite few who cover stories nobody cares about get to call themselves...

Will McAvoy:
[Cutting her off] I've got a guy on my staff who got hit in the head with a glass door Thursday. His forehead wouldn't stop bleeding, but he wouldn't go to a doctor 'cause I got another guy who got beat up covering Cairo. And the first guy wouldn't see a doctor until the second guy saw a doctor. I've got a producer who ran into a locked door 'cause he felt responsible for the second guy. I've got an 18-year-old kid risking his life halfway around the world and the AP who sent him there hasn't slept in three days. I've got 20-somethings who care about teachers in Wisconsin. I've got a grown woman who has to subtract with her fingers staying up all night trying to learn economics from a PhD who could be making 20 times the money three miles downtown. They're journalists.

[Maggie cleaning up Jim's bleeding head]

Jim Harper:
Do you know what you're doing?

Maggie Jordan:
I could've been a doctor!

Jim Harper:
What happened?

Maggie Jordan:
Well, I didn't go to medical school or anything.

Charlie Skinner:
He got knocked down! We didn't get taller.

Will McAvoy:
How many?

MacKenzie McHale:
Bridesmaids?

Will McAvoy:
Yeah.

MacKenzie McHale:
Nine.

Will McAvoy:
Nine bridesmaids.

MacKenzie McHale:
My sisters, your sisters, Sheila, Sloane, Maggie and Diane.

Will McAvoy:
Who's Sheila?

MacKenzie McHale:
Your brother's wife, Sheila. You've met her.

Will McAvoy:
And who's Diane?

MacKenzie McHale:
Sawyer.

Will McAvoy:
[to Mac] I worked very hard at cultivating no friendships outside of work. And to be honest, I was doing fine cultivating no friendships inside of work until you came along.

Don Keefer:
[Trying to get out of jury duty, talking in front of the judge to one of the two lawyers performing voire dire] Look, you don't want leaders on the jury. Right? Anyone who can take charge during deliberations? I run a news broadcast 5 nights a week with a staff of 60, and I bend them to my will. [He turns to the other lawyer] Plus, I'm currently the defendant in two lawsuits being brought by the same person. So even though I bought your client's bagel slicer at 3am, it nearly took my fingers off. There is simply no way in *hell* that I'm finding for the plaintiff.

Judge:
Get out of here.

Don Keefer:
Thank you.

Reese Lansing:
I know everyone on this floor thinks I'm an a**hole. But, I run a good company. And that's all I've ever wanted to do. Run a good company that makes good products. And we may have a political difference on this, but I take a lot of pride in being a job creator.

Sloan Sabbith:
Okay.

Reese Lansing:
You really want to argue the indisputable fact that I cut paychecks to 141,000 people?

Sloan Sabbith:
Our difference of opinion isn't political; it's religious. I'm an economist and in my church it's your customers who are the job creators. And no one here thinks you're an a**hole.

Reese Lansing:
Really?

Don Keefer:
[Just entering the room] I do.

Sloan Sabbith:
[Referring to a woman she had breakfast with] She tried to give me a message in a bottle.

Don Keefer:
What was it?

Sloan Sabbith:
Merrill's media buyer is gonna lose his job because he's been having an affair with his 24 year old assistant who used to be a circus performer.

Don Keefer:
[Faraway look in his eyes] Ahhhh... [Sloane looks at him] That was an involuntary response you'd get from any man who pictures a circus girl...

Sloan Sabbith:
I like puzzles.

Don Keefer:
No. you don't.

Sloan Sabbith:
I *love* puzzles.

Don Keefer:
You literally talk back to the New York Times crossword. You yell at it.

Sloan Sabbith:
[Giving him a knowing look] Can I tell you something about the New York Times crossword? Very often they put the wrong number of boxes in to house the correct word.

Don Keefer:
[Smiling indulgently] Yeah.

Sloan Sabbith:
You know how there are tall women who don't mind dating shorter guys? I don't mind that you're dumb. And, Don, I mean that.

Charlie Skinner:
All in all, I think we're doing well.

Will McAvoy:
I'm still trying to figure out exactly what doing well means.

Charlie Skinner:
[to everyone in the newsroom, clapping because CNN had to retract a prior statement] Hey!

Will McAvoy:
Hey!

Charlie Skinner:
What are you *doing*? *Worst* moment in this guy's life and you're cheering? Why?

Will McAvoy:
Why?

Charlie Skinner:
Because you think if someone gets in line in back of you it means the line moved? We still blew Genoa.

Will McAvoy:
The line didn't move!

Charlie Skinner:
And if there's anyone...

Will McAvoy:
That's right.

Charlie Skinner:
- in the world who should be able to empathize with CNN right now, you would *think*...

Will McAvoy:
Wouldn't you?

Charlie Skinner:
- that it would be the people in this room!

Will McAvoy:
Empathy!

Charlie Skinner:
He got knocked down! We didn't get taller.

Will McAvoy:
[Eating Chinese food with Mac] The MSG is where the flavor comes from. The Chinese are a people who've been around for billions of years.

MacKenzie McHale:
No people have been around for billions of years.

Will McAvoy:
Okay. Well, some of us have read a book called the Bible - which is pretty clear about the Chinese and MSG.

Will McAvoy:
Let's do sports, Charlie. We love sports.

Charlie Skinner:
You mean like try out for a team?

Will McAvoy:
I do not mean try out for a team. No.

Will McAvoy:
Miss Greer, you mentioned creeping Islam, are you concerned about creeping Christianity?

Phylis Greer:
Only that it's not creeping fast enough.

Will McAvoy:
Okay. Here are some things done on American soil in the name of Christianity. The Ku Klux Klan burned down black churches, raped women, murdered civil rights workers, murdered children and terrorized communities for over a century. The Neo Nazis all acted and continue to act in the name of white Christian supremacy. The Army of God fatally attacks abortion clinics and doctors across the country. The Covenant, the Sword and the Arm of the Lord targets local police and federal agents. The federal building in Oklahoma City. The attempted assassination of Ronald Reagan and the successful assassinations of Martin Luther King, John F. Kennedy, John Lennon, and Abraham Lincoln, all perpetrated by Christians. Miss Greer, we weren't attacked by Muslims, we were attacked by sociopaths, and I for one would join you in protesting a community center for the criminally insane, but no one is suggesting building one.

Sloan Sabbith:
Okay...

Don Keefer:
Sup?

Sloan Sabbith:
Okay, I know we were on sketchy ground ethically and linguistically, but...

Don Keefer:
Whatever you're gonna say, save it for ten seconds.

Sloan Sabbith:
What happens in ten seconds?

Don Keefer:
Just hang on for another 5 seconds and know that we've all been there at one point or another.

Sloan Sabbith:
What happens in five seconds?

Charlie Skinner:
[storming into the room, screaming] What in the name of holy f*** were you thinking about?

Charlie Skinner:
I, along with most people who don't live in Japan, am not fluent in Japanese, so I have to ask: did you just *make up* statements for someone we had live on our air?

Sloan Sabbith:
I didn't make them up...

Charlie Skinner:
About a *deadly radiation leak*?

Sloan Sabbith:
I didn't make them up. He told me the reactor was going to a seven.

Charlie Skinner:
When? Tonight? I'm asking, honestly, because there was a portion of the broadcast that turned into a Kurosawa movie.

Jim Harper:
Tell me about the complaint.

Maggie Jordan:
There was a desk producer who saw Will yell at me about something.

Jim Harper:
What?

Maggie Jordan:
Doesn't matter.

Jim Harper:
What?

Maggie Jordan:
Doesn't matter.

Jim Harper:
[looks at Maggie]

Maggie Jordan:
I mixed up Georgia the State with...

Jim Harper:
No!

Maggie Jordan:
yes, Georgia the country.

Jim Harper:
And this was...

Maggie Jordan:
Yup.

Jim Harper:
during the invasion.

Maggie Jordan:
This isn't about me.

Jim Harper:
You thought the Russians invaded Atlanta?

Maggie Jordan:
In retrospect it seems farfetched.

Maggie Jordan:
But that wasn't what he was actually mad about. The wife of a board member died and Will asked me to send flowers. I wrote on the card, "I'm sorry about your loss. LOL".

Jim Harper:
LOL?

Maggie Jordan:
I thought it meant "lots of love".

Jim Harper:
How are you still working here?

Will McAvoy:
Who else's body have you guarded.

Lonny Church:
We don't talk about that.

Will McAvoy:
Okay.

Lonny Church:
Kanye. It was awesome.

Will McAvoy:
Sloan this is Lonny. You'll see him around.

Lonny Church:
Good to meet you.

Sloan Sabbith:
Wow. Can I tap your chest?

Lonny Church:
Sure.

Sloan Sabbith:
[laughs] Holy cow. [looking at Will] Have you felt his pecs?

Will McAvoy:
No, I haven't yet.

Sloan Sabbith:
[sighs, turns to Will] Please I have to fix this now. Help me. I need wisdom.

MacKenzie McHale:
[interrupts] I have wisdom.

Sloan Sabbith:
Kenzie I love you, but a Japanese man's honor is at stake, and sometimes your wisdom leeds to... like... [imitates explosion] .

MacKenzie McHale:
[looks at Sloan for a few seconds] No, I get it.

Sloan Sabbith:
But that's not we he told me earlier when we were speaking... [stops]

Charlie Skinner:
Finish that sentence.

Sloan Sabbith:
...off the record.

Charlie Skinner:
You're suspended with pay until I figure out...

Sloan Sabbith:
[Sloan cut's him off] They we're lying about a public safety issue.

Charlie Skinner:
You're suspended with pay...

Sloan Sabbith:
[Sloan cut's him again screaming] I don't want the goddamn pay!

Charlie Skinner:
Don't front off with me, girl!

Sloan Sabbith:
Don't call me girl, sir!

Don Keefer:
Hey!

Don Keefer:
Everybody calm the f**k down!

Sloan Sabbith:
His logic is inconsistent.

Don Keefer:
How?

Sloan Sabbith:
He doesn't believe his source should have leaked classified documents.

Don Keefer:
Neither do I.

Sloan Sabbith:
But, he's unwilling to help law enforcement capture the source by identifying him.

Don Keefer:
He can't. I'd be unwilling, and so would you.

Sloan Sabbith:
I know. But, following that logic, he should also not be willing to broadcast the story. If he believes no one should ever leak because it poses a credible threat, then why is he broadcasting the story?

Don Keefer:
Well, I can't speak for Will, but I will. Uh, this leak he believes is a good leak. What he's very reasonably worried about is the bad leak, so he'd prefer there are no leaks.

Sloan Sabbith:
You and Will are making the same unilateral decision you don't want a leaker to make.

Don Keefer:
I trust strangers less than I trust me.

Sloan Sabbith:
Your logic is consistent though horrifying.

Jim Harper:
No one's gonna ever guess you guys are a couple.

MacKenzie McHale:
I find your Irish stoicism...

Will McAvoy:
Sexy?

MacKenzie McHale:
Irritating.

MacKenzie McHale:
The source risked everything. Neal's hiding in South America. Will's facing a grand jury. Fahda and his family fled the country. And it was for nothing!

Reese Lansing:
Mac.

MacKenzie McHale:
It was for nothing!

Reese Lansing:
Yeah. Selling the company's the only way you get to live to fight another day.

MacKenzie McHale:
Do we *ever* get to *win* one?

Sloan Sabbith:
Somebody ratted us out?

Wyatt Geary:
Yes.

Sloan Sabbith:
Nobody around would drop a dime. You're blowin' smoke. Who cheesed?

Don Keefer:
Okay, Mugsy.

Wyatt Geary:
Is lying to corporate something you do habitually?

Sloan Sabbith:
Don and I like to make decisions about lying on a case by case basis.

Jim Harper:
I beam a signal into outer space every night, I'm not scared of your Samsung Galaxy.

MacKenzie McHale:
Did you see Charlie?

Will McAvoy:
After the show. He was cleaning his 12 gauge with Maker's Mark and muttering 'Kill the wabbit.'

Jim Harper:
You're working two jobs. You're thoughtful and you're authentic. And I have never seen you sneer at anyone or anything. There is, believe me, no one you're not good enough for, and there's hardly anyone good enough for you. Including, it turned out, me.

Taylor Warren:
Do you call yourself a Republican so you can make a claim to credibility when you attack the GOP?

Will McAvoy:
No, I call myself a Republican 'cause I am one. I believe in market solutions, and I believe in common sense realities and the necessity to defend ourselves against a dangerous world and that's about it. Problem is now I have to be homophobic. I have to count the number of times people go to church. I have to deny facts and think scientific research is a long con. I have to think poor people are getting a sweet ride. And I have to have such a stunning inferiority complex that I fear education and intellect in the 21st century. But most of all, the biggest new requirement, really the only requirement, is that I have to hate Democrats. And I have to hate Chris Christie for not spitting on the President when he got off Air Force One. The two-party system is crucial to the whole operation. There is honor in being the loyal opposition. And I'm a Republican for the same reasons you are. So I hope your voice gets louder in the next four years.

Rebecca Halliday:
Fourteen months ago, you went on the air and called the Tea Party 'the American Taliban'.

Will McAvoy:
I did.

Rebecca Halliday:
And?

Will McAvoy:
The Taliban resented it.

Reese Lansing:
Every second you're not current a thousand people are changing the channel to the guy who is. That's the business you're in. MSNBC, FOX and CNN all say she's dead. Don, tell him.

Don Keefer:
It's a person. A doctor pronounces her dead, not the news.

Will McAvoy:
I only seem liberal because I believe that hurricanes are caused by high barometric pressure and not gay marriage.

Charlie Skinner:
Let's open to page six, which for some reason is on page 10.

Will McAvoy:
Congresswoman Michele Bachmann, founder of the Tea Party Caucus, who herself has a difficult relationship with reality, ignores the statement from the White House.

Will McAvoy:
Mac, get in here with Charlie right now.

Mackenzie MacHale:
Is everything...

Will McAvoy:
Right now! [points to Charlie as he enters the room] You tell Leona that if she wants me out of this chair, she better bring more than just a couple of guys.

Charlie Skinner:
That's exactly what I'll f***ing tell her!

Will McAvoy:
I'm not f***ing around, Charlie!

Charlie Skinner:
Feet of f***ing steel!

Will McAvoy:
Mac

Mackenzie MacHale:
I'm sorry.

Will McAvoy:
It's not your fault

Mackenzie MacHale:
I f***ed everything up.

Will McAvoy:
It's gonna be all right.

Don Keefer:
[Entering the studio] What the f*** is going on?

Will McAvoy:
You're a f***ing newsman, Don! I ever tell you otherwise, you punch me in the face!

Don Keefer:
Okay, but you're back in 30.

[about Obama's visit to India and the absurdly exaggerated figure of the cost]

Will McAvoy:
In spite of there being no source for this information, to say nothing of the absurdity of the figure, Fox News grabs the baton.

Glenn Beck:
So he's travelling with 34 warships, an entourage- [footage stops]

Will McAvoy:
Oh yeah, and he added 34 warships. Or, 14% of the U.S. Navy.

Will McAvoy:
Because now - I can't believe how often this is happening.

Gary Cooper:
[singing as he exits the elevator and walks down the halls to the news room, shocked to see it filled with FBI agents] In olden days, a glimpse of stocking was looked on as something shocking, but now God knows, anything goes. Good authors too who once knew better words now only use four letter words, writing- What the f*** is going on?

Jim Harper:
[Entering the control room] Do you have the first idea how any of this equipment works?

Don Keefer:
I don't know how electricity works. Just start pressing buttons.

Charlie Skinner:
[to FBI agent] We're gonna need your first name for the banner. Is it Kip?

Rodger Hutchinson:
Your lack of cooperation will be noted for our report.

Molly Levy:
Hope that doesn't leak to the press.

MacKenzie McHale:
I'm gonna make sure it does.

Will McAvoy:
I'm being cooperative. Can it be noted that some of us are being down right docile?

Charlie Skinner:
So, it's Kip?

Rodger Hutchinson:
Rodger. With a D.

Charlie Skinner:
We're gonna misspell it.

Don Keefer:
[Cocky, still wearing a headset] Freedom won, and not a bullet was fired.

Jim Harper:
[Just as smug as Don] Let this day be recorded in the all...

Maggie Jordan:
Your fly's unzipped. [She leaves the control room]

Jim Harper:
I'm not sure how I feel about new confident Maggie.

Don Keefer:
She's lookin' good.

Sloan Sabbith:
[From the studio set] I can still hear you.

Don Keefer:
[pause] Do you think there's any chance she's, uh...

Sloan Sabbith:
I'm not pretending.

Maggie Jordan:
I have here an EPA report that's been embargoed.

Jim Harper:
How'd you get it?

Maggie Jordan:
It doesn't matter. The Scripps Institution of Oceanography in San Diego measured the levels of carbon dioxide atop Mauna Loa, a volcano in Hawaii, and found that it's passed a long feared milestone: 400 parts per million, which is a concentration not seen on Earth in millions of years.

Jim Harper:
[pause] Here's what happened. You started talking about CO2 levels, and I started thinking about other things in my head.

Charlie Skinner:
So, here's what I need you to do.

Will McAvoy:
What *you* need us to do, or what the Lansings need us to do?

Charlie Skinner:
At this moment, what the Lansings want is what I want. They spent the last year doing nothing but standing by us when it made a lot more sense to not- not to- not to stand by- to not stand by- I'm saying, it would have made more sense...

MacKenzie McHale:
Find your way home.

Charlie Skinner:
To dump us.

Will McAvoy:
[after being served a subpoena to appear for questioning] You think it's possible I'm not as big a TV star as I thought?

Alex Thacker:
The copy should have been assigned to me, but Gary assigned it to Stacey.

Don Keefer:
[to the HR rep] Once I give it to Gary, Gary gets to make that call.

Alex Thacker:
Based on merit, not based on who he prefers to sleep with at any particular moment.

Gary Cooper:
I'm not sleeping and I've never slept with Stacey.

Alex Thacker:
That may or may not be, but probably is a lie. [beat] What we know for sure is Gary flirted with me, hit on me, took me out five times, slept with me twice, and then dumped me in a pile with the rest of the staffers he's used for his pleasure.

Don Keefer:
I can't emphasize this enough. This is the new HR rep.

Alex Thacker:
And I'm fine with all of that.

Don Keefer:
So we're cool.

Wyatt Geary:
No.

Alex Thacker:
What I am not fine with is being passed over for an assignment at work because I exercised poor judgment in my personal life.

Gary Cooper:
I gave it to her because she's better at this kind of thing.

Alex Thacker:
What kind of thing?

Gary Cooper:
The intersection of pop culture and the Holocaust. That might sound crazy.

Don Keefer:
It did.

Gary Cooper:
Look, I've gone out with several of the women in this building.

Don Keefer:
Maybe you don't understand what HR does.

Alex Thacker:
You're saying Stacey is a better writer than I am?

Gary Cooper:
She's a different writer than you.

Alex Thacker:
Different? Like I'm tired of this one, so I'll try a different one?

Don Keefer:
I told Gary to give it to Stacey, all right? He is covering for me. I told him to give it to her because she is a better writer than you are.

Alex Thacker:
Well, what am I supposed to do?

Don Keefer:
Write better. That's it. Thank you both.

Maggie Jordan:
How come no one's yelling at me?

Jim Harper:
You know how bad you screwed up, right?

Maggie Jordan:
Yes.

Jim Harper:
Is there anyone who feels worse than you do?

Maggie Jordan:
No.

Jim Harper:
Then I doubt it'll ever happen again.

Jim Harper:
First, you go into iNews and you look over the questions the segment producer put in the rundown. Identify yourself and your news agency, summarize the segment - the length, whether it's live or not, and who we're having on from the other side.

Maggie Jordan:
I'm sorry, but don't I first open my eyes and notice it's a new day?

Jim Harper:
What are we talking about here?

Maggie Jordan:
I've done this before.

Jim Harper:
Okay.

Maggie Jordan:
What is this magic box in front of me?

Jim Harper:
Have I done something to you?

Maggie Jordan:
I swear I was just thinking the exact same thing. I have no idea why I'm being mean to you.

Jim Harper:
Now that you know that, do you think you'll stop?

Maggie Jordan:
That's the thing - it doesn't feel like it. I'm just being honest.

Jim Harper:
I can't ask for more than that, except rational thought.

[asking about people who used to work for ACN]

Will McAvoy:
Mohammed al Mohammed el Mohammed bin Bazir?

Don Keefer:
Went to Fox.

Will McAvoy:
Fox hired someone with three Mohammeds in their name?

Charlie Skinner:
I'm too old to be governed by fear of dumb people.

MacKenzie McHale:
What is the difference [between corporations and people] ?

Sloan Sabbith:
Have you ever held the door open for someone?

MacKenzie McHale:
Yes.

Sloan Sabbith:
Did you ask them for money first?

MacKenzie McHale:
No.

Sloan Sabbith:
That's the difference.

MacKenzie McHale:
That's the right answer.

Cellmate:
I've got an idea tell me the name. I didn't take an oath or anything, I'll say I'll give them the name on the condition they let us both out.

Will McAvoy:
That's a hell of an idea.

Cellmate:
Or I could just shake the name out of you.

Will McAvoy:
Stand up. [Both men stand up] I want you to see that I've got four inches on you, and you're giving up thirty pounds. I'm not your wife, raise your hands above your hips and I will knock you the f*** into next week.

Cellmate:
[will sits down] Your father was a drunk wasn't he?

Jim Harper:
Do we even have Sarin gas?

Jerry Dantana:
We're not supposed to. They were supposed to be destroyed by 2007 according to the Chemical Weapons convention but it wasn't. We still have it. The DOD confirms that.

Jim Harper:
We may have it, but we've never used it. We didn't use it in World War II, Korea, Vietnam, the First Gulf War and we were fighting people that did have...

Jerry Dantana:
Those all happened before 9/11. We torture people now. We kidnap them, wire tap them...

Jim Harper:
Drop deadly gas on civilians?

Jerry Dantana:
It happened, Jim. This is the one we know about.

MacKenzie McHale:
Any Questions?

Jim Harper:
Sarin gas?

MacKenzie McHale:
I don't believe it either. And I also don't believe in Santa Claus but if I saw eight reindeer take flight...

Jim Harper:
You haven't seen eight reindeer. You've talked to someone who's seen eight reindeer.

Jerry Dantana:
And we have someone who's tweeted about the reindeer and a third witness who's interviewed victims of the reindeer and a highly placed confidential source who's confirmed that in this place, at that time, reindeer flew.

Sloan Sabbith:
It could matter less, but Santa Claus has nine reindeer.

Don Keefer:
Rudolph!

Sloan Sabbith:
Dasher Dancer Prancer...

Neal Sampat:
Blitzen...

Sloan Sabbith:
How many is is that?

Jerry Dantana:
It really doesn't matter.

Jim Harper:
You really believe we used Sarin.

Jerry Dantana:
Yes.

Jim Harper:
On civilians

Jerry Dantana:
Yes.

Don Keefer:
Dasher, Dancer, Prancer...

Jim Harper:
What are you doing?

Don Keefer:
Well, I'm just digesting what I just heard. I'm doing a fact check on the number of reindeer...

Sloan Sabbith:
Dasher, Dancer, Prancer, Comet, Blitzen, Cupid, Donner, Vixen and somebody else.

Neal Sampat:
Rudolph.

Sloan Sabbith:
Thank you.

Don Keefer:
How many was that?

Sloan Sabbith:
Start again. Dasher...

Jim Harper:
No.

Taylor Warren:
I have a number of questions.

Jim Harper:
I'll try to answer them with the same detail and honesty you've always answered mine.

Aubrey Lyons:
What were you doing on a Sex and the City tour bus to begin with?

Jim Harper:
My girlfriend at the time liked the show and I was showing an interest in her interests.

Taylor Warren:
And Maggie didn't know you were on the bus when she shouted that she loved you?

Jim Harper:
That's not what she shouted.

Taylor Warren:
And she didn't know someone was filming it?

Jim Harper:
No.

Taylor Warren:
So it was kind of a gaffe?... Life and death and you guys can't get past "corporations are people".

Jim Harper:
How fast are we supposed to get past "Hispanics should self-deport" or "I'm not concerned with the very poor"?

Taylor Warren:
"There's a safety net there" was the end of that sentence, and plainly his concern is with the middle class.

Jim Harper:
The middle class are the very poor.

Aubrey Lyons:
The better point is we don't need clean air and water regulations. We don't need FEMA. We don't need antitrust laws. We don't need the IRS or the Department of Education or the Federal Reserve. We need freedom.

Neal Sampat:
What the f*** did you just say?

Aubrey Lyons:
If you listen to Ron Paul

Neal Sampat:
I have. He's a batty old crank who wrote instruction manuals on how to get away with shooting the black kid who's stealing your car. He's not Betty White.

Aubrey Lyons:
He didn't write those letters.

Neal Sampat:
Yes, he did. And then he signed them and then he charged money for them. So I don't give a sh*t if he wants to legalize weed. I can already dial the phone and have an ounce delivered to this table before the check comes.

Hallie Shea:
Then for God's sake do it.

Jim Harper:
The check will never come.

Taylor Warren:
They won't let Romney get his message out, either.

Jim Harper:
Someone should tell him if he wants to get his message out, he should consider appearing on a network where the entire audience isn't already voting for him and that if he's gonna be the businessman president, he should run on his business record instead of pretending he's never heard of it and that if faith is important to his good works and personal narrative, he shouldn't be afraid it'll creep us out.

Taylor Warren:
It's been suggested.

Jim Harper:
And?

Taylor Warren:
I was fired. I was fired tonight.

Will McAvoy:
We're a team here. We're a family. But, just to be clear, he's the one that did it.

Charlie Skinner:
Reese, where did our stock close yesterday?

Reese Lansing:
66.

Charlie Skinner:
And what's Savannah Capital offering you per share?

Blair Lansing:
81.

Charlie Skinner:
[Writing on a pad of paper] 45% of the controlling shares times 66 equals...

Reese Lansing:
[Pointing over Charlie's shoulder] Carry the three.

Charlie Skinner:
...times 81.

Will McAvoy:
If you think being an ass is gonna make me less inclined to protect you, think again, mofo. I can out-ass anyone in the tri state area.

Rebecca Halliday:
He's telling the truth, Neal.

Will McAvoy:
You know, it feels like you're on my side, but just barely. [shouts over his shoulder] Jenna!

Rebecca Halliday:
You make that poor girl work on a Saturday?

Will McAvoy:
She's a recent journalism school graduate. I'm just completing her education. What she's learning from me can't be found in books.

Jenna Johnson:
[Pokes her head in the door] Yes?

Will McAvoy:
I'd like a Dr. Pepper, please.

Maggie Jordan:
[to an ethics professor she met on a train] You can save your students a lot of time. On the first day of class tell them they know the difference between right and wrong. Do what's right. They don't need a lawyer to tell them their moral absolutes, and whenever you hear someone give a monologue defending the ethics of their position, you can be pretty sure they know they were wrong.

Rebecca Halliday:
[to Neal who is about to leave the room] You're hot headed right now. Leave the flash drive on the table.

Neal Sampat:
[He removes a key from a key ring and tosses it to Will] It's locked in a filing cabinet under my desk.

Will McAvoy:
[to Mack] Are you getting my point?

MacKenzie McHale:
Yeah, you don't want Neal to go to jail for ten days. Neither do I. But, these are the rules of cribbage.

Will McAvoy:
I could swallow this key, you know.

Rebecca Halliday:
Yeah, cuz what criminal master mind could open an Office Depot filing cabinet without a key? [Will glares at her] You're thinking of different ways to murder me right now.

Sloan Sabbith:
You gave me a little test.

Don Keefer:
You didn't do well.

Sloan Sabbith:
Is this something you read in Cosmo while you were at the dentist?

Don Keefer:
Yes.

Sloan Sabbith:
I said I'd go to the party which doesn't exist because you're a lying liar who lies a lot.

Don Keefer:
Yes.

Sloan Sabbith:
Yes, what?

Don Keefer:
Yes, I'd love having a gal pal with no commitment and tons of sex.

Sloan Sabbith:
Great.

Don Keefer:
Just not you.

Sloan Sabbith:
What's wrong with me?

Don Keefer:
Plenty, but I really like you anyway.

Sloan Sabbith:
I'm not good at not being alone. It's what I'm used to.

Don Keefer:
Let me know if you want to get good at it. [He walks down the hall]

Sloan Sabbith:
[to his back] The sex is good.

Don Keefer:
Thank you.

Leona Lansing:
Charlie, did I ever tell you about the time my parents saw 'You Can't Take it With You' on Broadway?

Charlie Skinner:
That was $42,000.

Leona Lansing:
No. $42,350. And it was the last $350 that were the hardest. Sold my clothes. Dealt a little weed.

Reese Lansing:
Mom.

Leona Lansing:
Oh, I'm- I'm just kidding. I didn't sell my clothes.

Jim Harper:
[Referring to Edward Snowden] I want to ask him at what point he decided to declare war on the United States.

Maggie Jordan:
So, I think you should let me get the ball rolling.

Jim Harper:
You and your whole generation's contempt for institutions...

Maggie Jordan:
I'm two years younger than you.

Jim Harper:
With your hair, and your clothes and your music.

Don Keefer:
Go ahead!

Sloan Sabbith:
Here's what we are.

Don Keefer:
Bring it!

Sloan Sabbith:
I love spending time with you.

Don Keefer:
Oh! Oh Man!

Sloan Sabbith:
Wait!

Don Keefer:
I can't believe I'm getting Don Keefered!

Sloan Sabbith:
You're not! I would never Don Keefer you.

Sloan Sabbith:
Don't you like having a gal pal that you can hang out with where there are extra benefits like stock tips?

Don Keefer:
I can't use the stock tips!

Sloan Sabbith:
[Much louder] Then how about the sex?

Don Keefer:
[Both turn suddenly to see Jim Harper standing in the elevator looking at them. Sloan and Don enter the elevator] Hey.

Jim Harper:
Hey

Sloan Sabbith:
Hey

Jim Harper:
Hi

Don Keefer:
[after an uncomfortable pause] It would take a long time to explain

Don Keefer:
[Cutting Don off] Yeah, yeah

Mackenzie MacHale:
You're going on a date with a cheerleader?

Will McAvoy:
Not a high school cheerleader, a professional cheerleader.

Mackenzie MacHale:
That doesn't make it better!

Will McAvoy:
Can I help you?

Mackenzie MacHale:
She's a student!

Will McAvoy:
A graduate student.

Mackenzie MacHale:
In philosophy?

Will McAvoy:
Physical therapy.

Mackenzie MacHale:
There are better ways to get back at me.

Will McAvoy:
I'll put up a suggestion box.

Mackenzie MacHale:
Can I warn you about something? You're a rich and famous person, and for that reason only, she may want to sleep with you.

Will McAvoy:
That didn't sound like something that should come with a warning, that sounded like something that should come with balloons.

Mackenzie MacHale:
I loathe you right now.

Will McAvoy:
You have ink on your face.

Mackenzie MacHale:
I WORK WITH PENS!

Will McAvoy:
Get a grip.

Mackenzie MacHale:
Yeah! I know!

Charlie Skinner:
Reese, the newsroom became a courtroom because I felt the American public needed a f***ing lawyer.

Leona Lansing:
Well, last night the voters ousted 21% of congress including seven members of the House Sub-committee on Communications and Technology. Three of those seven are AWM's most reliable friends on the Hill. The congressman who will be replacing them are the same people that Will has been making look like f***ing morons for the last six months.

Charlie Skinner:
They've done a pretty good job making themselves look like morons.

Leona Lansing:
Moses and Jesus are playing golf. Moses steps up to the tee and hits a beautiful shot 250 yards straight down the middle of the fairway. Jesus steps up to the tee and hooks the ball into the trees. Jesus looks up into the heavens, raises his arms, and suddenly the sky darkens. A thunder clap rings out, rain pours down, and a stream rises among the trees. The golf ball floating on top finds its way into the mouth of a fish. Then a bird flies down and takes the fish and the ball out over the green, drops it in the cup for a hole-in-one. Jesus turns to Moses with a satisfied grin, and Moses says, 'Look. You wanna play golf or you wanna f*** around?'

Will McAvoy:
This is News Night and that was a clip of Richard Clarke, former counterterrorism chief to President George W. Bush, testifying before Congress on March 24, 2004. Americans liked that moment. I liked that moment. Adults should hold themselves accountable for failure. And so tonight I'm beginning this newscast by joining Mr. Clarke in apologizing to the American people for our failure. The failure of this program during the time I've been in charge of it to successfully inform and educate the American electorate. Let me be clear that I don't apologize on behalf of all broadcast journalists, nor do all broadcast journalists owe an apology. I speak for myself. I was an accomplice to a slow and repeated and unacknowledged and unamended train wreck of failures that have brought us to now. I'm a leader in an industry that miscalled election results, hyped up terror scares, ginned up controversy, and failed to report on tectonic shifts in our country. From the collapse of the financial system to the truths about how strong we are to the dangers we actually face. I'm a leader in an industry that misdirected your attention with the dexterity of Harry Houdini while sending hundreds of thousands of our bravest young men and women off to war without due diligence. The reason we failed isn't a mystery. We took a dive for the ratings. In the infancy of mass communications, the Columbus and Magellan of broadcast journalism, William Paley and David Sarnoff, went down to Washington to cut a deal with Congress. Congress would allow the fledgling networks free use of taxpayer-owned airwaves in exchange for one public service. That public service would be one hour of air time set aside every night for informational broadcasting, or what we now call the evening news. Congress, unable to anticipate the enormous capacity television would have to deliver consumers to advertisers, failed to include in its deal the one requirement that would have changed our national discourse immeasurably for the better. Congress forgot to add that under no circumstances could there be paid advertising during informational broadcasting. They forgot to say that taxpayers will give you the airwaves for free and for 23 hours a day you should make a profit, but for one hour a night you work for us. And now those network newscasts, anchored through history by honest-to-God newsmen with names like Murrow and Reasoner and Huntley and Brinkley and Buckley and Cronkite and Rather and Russert - Now they have to compete with the likes of me. A cable anchor who's in the exact same business as the producers of Jersey Shore. And that business was good to us, News Night is quitting that business right now. It might come as a surprise to you that some of history's greatest American journalists are working right now, exceptional minds with years of experience and an unshakeable devotion to reporting the news. But these voices are a small minority now and they don't stand a chance against the circus when the circus comes to town. They're overmatched. I'm quitting the circus and switching teams. I'm going with the guys who are getting creamed. I'm moved that they still think they can win and I hope they can teach me a thing or two. From this moment on, we'll be deciding what goes on our air and how it's presented to you based on the simple truth that nothing is more important to a democracy than a well-informed electorate. We'll endeavor to put information in a broader context because we know that very little news is born at the moment it comes across our wire. We'll be the champion of facts and the mortal enemy of innuendo, speculation, hyperbole, and nonsense. We're not waiters in a restaurant serving you the stories you asked for just the way you like them prepared. Nor are we computers dispensing only the facts because news is only useful in the context of humanity. I'll make no effort to subdue my personal opinions. I will make every effort to expose you to informed opinions that are different from my own. You may ask who are we to make these decisions. We are Mackenzie McHale and myself. Miss McHale is our executive producer. She marshals the resources of over 100 reporters, producers, analysts, technicians, and her credentials are readily available. I'm News Night's managing editor and make the final decision on everything seen and heard on this program. Who are we to make these decisions? We're the media elite.

Bryce Delancy:
[about him, a Republican, co-sponsoring a bill with a Democrat] Once you're elected, you have a duty to work with other people who have been elected. My friends across the aisle have been elected.

Will McAvoy:
Back in 1968, when Rennie Davis and Hayden and their guys organized the SDS, it was specifically to end the Vietnam War, but that movement got eaten by Abbie Hoffman and Jerry Rubin and he Yippies.

Charlie Skinner:
Hoffman and Rubin were a lot more charismatic.

Will McAvoy:
Yeah, but it was impossible to define what the Yippies were protesting! They were about giving the finger to anyone over 30, generically hating the American establishment, dropping out and getting high.

Charlie Skinner:
And?

Will McAvoy:
That's how the Progressive Movement would be painted for the next 40 years. People passing out daisies to soldiers and trying to levitate The Pentagon.

Charlie Skinner:
I was there, that damn near worked!

Will McAvoy:
No it didn't. The Pentagon is a really big building, you can't levitate it.

Charlie Skinner:
Reese, why don't you give us a minute.

Leona Lansing:
He can stay.

Charlie Skinner:
Reese get the f*** out.

Will McAvoy:
Sharron Angle's angry because the press is reporting what she says to the press. The statement goes on; "We needed to have the press to be our friend. We wanted them to ask the questions we want to answer". Do not laugh, I felt the exact same way about the bar exam.

Control Room:
Rounds of laughter from people inside the control room.

MacKenzie McHale:
Whoa! Will just made a joke.

Leona Lansing:
You know Charlie, a lot of people might argue that Will is on a witch hunt.

Charlie Skinner:
And a lot of people might argue there are witches out there.

Will McAvoy:
Are we ready for the pre-tape?

MacKenzie McHale:
Yeah.

Will McAvoy:
Just count me down.

MacKenzie McHale:
Will...

Will McAvoy:
Yes, I'm sure I want to do this.

MacKenzie McHale:
Oh God, please give me a sign that I'm not doing a big thing badly.

Engineers:
[Lights go out] We just lost power. The building just lost power.

MacKenzie McHale:
I didn't know he had that kind of comic timing.

Brian Brenner:
Are you prepared to talk about your Republicanism?

Will McAvoy:
You say that like I've got polio.

Brian Brenner:
Are you prepared to talk about having polio?

Will McAvoy:
I grew up in a town outside a town outside Lincoln, Nebraska. My home town was a road. I was a college freshman before I *met* a Democrat.

[Solomon takes the battery out of Charlie's phone and gives it back]

Charlie Skinner:
I'm never gonna be able to put that back together.

Solomon Hancock:
They're coming out with a better model in 6 months.

Charlie Skinner:
That's very unusual for the tech-industry.

Sloan Sabbith:
Unless there's a rally...

MacKenzie McHale:
I'm sorry I've got to...

Sloan Sabbith:
Listen.

MacKenzie McHale:
Sloan...

Sloan Sabbith:
Unless there's a rally in the next 90 minutes,The Dow's gonna close down about 2.5%,S&P and NASDAQ will close down 2.3%,Let me tell you why.

MacKenzie McHale:
I don't own a lot of stock.

Sloan Sabbith:
Let me tell you why.

MacKenzie McHale:
I really can't.

Sloan Sabbith:
[shouting] Stop avoiding this!

Sloan Sabbith:
I just got off the phone with these guys. Listen to these quotes. These aren't from liberals. these are hardcore Wall-Street guys,Who whatever the world may think of them,Knows what they're talking about and so do I. Jamie Dimon atChase says, "Voting against raising the debt ceiling would be a moral disaster." The Barclays guys say "This debate is detached from reality." My Goldman source says "If the house Republicans continue this debate, I hope they're willing to mark the end of the dollar as a global reserve currency." Please notice he didn't say if the house republicans don't raise the debt ceiling. he said if the house republicans continue this debate. That's all it takes. Just the uncertainty. That's why the Dow's gonna close down 230 points today. Because just the debate,just the doubt,just the possibility that the House Majority might commit the most self-inflicted damage to the country since the secession of the south has caused billions in value to disappear.

MacKenzie McHale:
Sloan,I understand,I swear to God I do. But you can't say the same thing the C block?

Sloan Sabbith:
Don't pretend you don't know that most people watch 10 minutes of news. The first 10 minutes.

MacKenzie McHale:
The vote isn't until tomorrow night.and it's only the first vote.You said yourself it was cosmetic. Why do we have to feature it tonight?

Sloan Sabbith:
We should have been featuring it weeks ago. We should have been leading with it every night.

MacKenzie McHale:
Why do we have to feature it tonight?

Sloan Sabbith:
To give time for the people to call their congressmen and say "If you f*** with the full faith and credit of the US Treasury,You're fired." to give time for the people to jam the phone lines of the district offices. To give the people time to say, "I'm a fiscal conservative and you've got to put the pin back in the grenade right now." That's why.

MacKenzie McHale:
[pause] I'm gonna do everything I can.

Sloan Sabbith:
Please do.

Neal Sampat:
A popular discussion at the moment there's recent article projecting U.S. credit rating fallout as a result of the debt ceiling standoff.

Sloan Sabbith:
Yes, I heard that on the news. No wait... I didn't. I heard about Casey Anthony instead.

Neal Sampat:
Well that's where I jumped in. I said, "If I can balance my checkbook, why can't the government balance its budget?"

Sloan Sabbith:
Mary mother of God am I sick of that insane analogy. Balancing your checkbook is to balancing the budget as driving to the supermarket is to landing on the moon.

Sloan Sabbith:
Balancing your checkbook is to balancing the budget as driving to the supermarket is to landing on the moon.

Tate Brady:
Don Keefer!

Don Keefer:
Yeah?

Tate Brady:
How would you and Elliot Hirsch like to have one of the debates?

Don Keefer:
Eat me.

Tate Brady:
Mr. Skinner, I'm trying to be as dip...

Charlie Skinner:
When Don says "eat me," that's usually the end of the conversation.

Tate Brady:
Sloan Sabbith! You want to be a star?

Sloan Sabbith:
Me?

Tate Brady:
Yeah.

Sloan Sabbith:
F*** you.

Brian Brenner:
And he's going to cave on the debate too.

MacKenzie McHale:
Are you sure about that?

Brian Brenner:
I'm absolutely sure about that.

MacKenzie McHale:
You know what I like about Will? He's not absolutely sure about anything. He struggles with things. He's never certain he's right, and sometimes he's not, but he tries hard to be. He struggles with things.

Will McAvoy:
[Will hops past in the background, trying to put on his trousers. He falls] God d...

Crew member:
Will, are you all right?

MacKenzie McHale:
Could somebody help Will put his pants on?

Don Keefer:
How would you want to be asked?

Sloan Sabbith:
To move in with a guy?

Don Keefer:
Yeah.

Sloan Sabbith:
By having the guy say, "Will you marry me?"

Will McAvoy:
Ideological purity. Compromise as weakness. A fundamentalist belief in scriptural literalism. Denying science. Unmoved by facts. Undeterred by new information. A hostile fear of progress. A demonization of education. A need to control women's bodies. Severe xenophobia. Tribal mentality. Intolerance of dissent. Pathological hatred of the U.S. government. They can call themselves the Tea Party. They can call themselves conservatives. And they can even call themselves Republicans, though Republicans certainly shouldn't. But we should call them what they are - The American Taliban.

"Sex And The City" Tour Guide:
To your left is the famous brownstone where Carrie Bradshaw lived, loved and lost. Thanks to Carrie we all got to live the typical life of a single woman in New York City!

Maggie Jordan:
[who was just splashed by the tour bus as it pulled up] Hey! No you didn't! I'm a typical single woman in New York City! I don't wear heels to work because the typical woman's job doesn't exclusively involve gallery openings! And I know Carrie must've made boatloads writing her eight-hundred-word column for a newspaper no one's ever heard of, but I just spent my last seven dollars having a bite with my best friend, who, by the way, is not available at 3 PM on a Wednesday to console me about some guy because she, too, has a job! And mostly when you fall for a guy and he's going out with your best friend, it doesn't work out! Things get really bad!

[Maggie brings pages to Bill as "Baba O'Riley" plays over the scenes]

Roger Daltrey:
Teenage wasteland / It's only teenage wasteland

Maggie Jordan:
John Adams.

Roger Daltrey:
Teenage wasteland, oh, yeah

Maggie Jordan:
Thomas Jefferson.

Roger Daltrey:
Teenage wasteland

Maggie Jordan:
James Madison.

Roger Daltrey:
They're all wasted!

Maggie Jordan:
George Washington.

Sloan Sabbith:
Since I'm never going to see you again after Friday, I feel I can tell you something...

Don Keefer:
We'll see each other again!

Sloan Sabbith:
Maybe not, after I say what I'm going to say.

Don Keefer:
...and you're not leaving.

Sloan Sabbith:
I don't know who told you you're a bad guy, but somebody did. Somebody along the way. Somebody or something convinced you of it, because you think you're a bad guy... and you're just not. I'm socially inept, but even I know that. So because you're a bad guy you try to do things you think a good guy would do. Like committing to somebody you like, but maybe don't love. A sweet, smart, wholesome midwestern girl.

Don Keefer:
[Stares at her, amazed]

Sloan Sabbith:
I could be wrong. I almost always am.

Don Keefer:
Why are you single?

Sloan Sabbith:
A lot of men are intimidated by my intelligence.

Don Keefer:
No, seriously.

Sloan Sabbith:
Because you never asked me out.

Will McAvoy:
Sorority girl!

MacKenzie McHale:
[to Jennifer] Don't be scared.

Will McAvoy:
You're the girl, right?

Jennifer Johnson:
I'm Jennifer Johnson.

Will McAvoy:
Just graduated North Western?

Jennifer Johnson:
A year early.

Will McAvoy:
You asked me that moronic question... and then my world came apart, and she came here and I landed in the tabloids and then I got death threats and my job is constantly in jeopardy and you ruined my life!

MacKenzie McHale:
[to Jennifer] Again just stay calm.

Jennifer Johnson:
Yes, that was me.

Will McAvoy:
What the hell are you doing here?

Jennifer Johnson:
I'm applying for an internship.

Will McAvoy:
Why?

Jennifer Johnson:
I watch the show. And I read the New York magazine article, and I know what a "greater fool" is. And I want to be one.

Will McAvoy:
[to MacKenzie, smiling] Camelot. She's the kid at the end of Camelot! [Turns to Jennifer] Ask me again.

Jennifer Johnson:
I'm sorry?

Will McAvoy:
Ask me your idiot question again.

Jennifer Johnson:
What makes America the greatest country in the world?

Will McAvoy:
You do. [to MacKenzie] Hire her.

Jim Harper:
Does anyone know anything about "Sex in the City?"

Tess Westin:
The show or...? [pauses, embarrassed] The show.

MacKenzie McHale:
[while Will lies in a hospital bed, Jim reveals to them that Don is about to ask Maggie to move in with him. She scolds Jim for continuing to date Lisa rather than pursue a relationship with Maggie] You've got to do something before he asks her.

Jim Harper:
No!

MacKenzie McHale:
Why not?

Will McAvoy:
It doesn't seem like a very nice thing to do to Don or Maggie or Lisa.

MacKenzie McHale:
So you're willing to end up like the two of us? A strong, beautiful, vital woman and a hallowed-out shell of a man.

Will McAvoy:
[to MacKenzie] You know I'm awake now?

MacKenzie McHale:
[to Jim] That's a dead person speaking, basically. And now I'm gonna have to spend the next God knows how many hours in mourning.

Will McAvoy:
Please go back to work.

MacKenzie McHale:
He will.

Will McAvoy:
[to MacKenzie] I'm talking to you.

Don Keefer:
I too believe Will and Sloan can be a little smug, and I think you guys are showing a lot of wisdom by having me be the one to come and fix it.

Will McAvoy:
I'm not smug; I'm having a crisis of confidence.

Will McAvoy:
It's not the greatest country in the world, professor, that's my answer.

Moderator:
You're saying...

Will McAvoy:
Yes.

Moderator:
Let's talk about...

Will McAvoy:
Fine. Sharon, the NEA is a loser. Yeah, it accounts for a penny out of our paychecks, but he gets to hit you with it anytime he wants. It doesn't cost money, it costs votes. It costs airtime and column inches. You know why people don't like liberals? Because they lose. If liberals are so f***in' smart, how come they lose so GODDAM ALWAYS!

Sharon:
Hey...

Will McAvoy:
[turns to Lewis] And with a straight face, you're going to tell students that America is so starspangled awesome that we're the only ones in the world who have freedom? Canada has freedom, Japan has freedom, the UK, France, Italy, Germany, Spain, Australia, BELGIUM has freedom! Two hundred and seven sovereign states in the world, like 180 of them have freedom.

Moderator:
All right...

Will McAvoy:
And yeah, you... sorority girl. Just in case you accidentally wander into a voting booth one day, there are some things you should know, and one of them is: There is absolutely no evidence to support the statement that we're the greatest country in the world. We're seventh in literacy, twenty-seventh in math, twenty-second in science, forty-ninth in life expectancy, 178th in infant mortality, third in median household income, number four in labor force, and number four in exports. We lead the world in only three categories: number of incarcerated citizens per capita, number of adults who believe angels are real, and defense spending, where we spend more than the next twenty-six countries combined, twenty-five of whom are allies. None of this is the fault of a 20-year-old college student, but you, nonetheless, are without a doubt a member of the WORST-period-GENERATION-period-EVER-period, so when you ask what makes us the greatest country in the world, I don't know what the f*** you're talking about! Yosemite?

Will McAvoy:
[pause] We sure used to be. We stood up for what was right. We fought for moral reasons, we passed laws, struck down laws for moral reasons. We waged wars on poverty, not poor people. We sacrificed, we cared about our neighbors, we put our money where our mouths were, and we never beat our chest. We built great big things, made ungodly technological advances, explored the universe, cured diseases, and we cultivated the world's greatest artists and the world's greatest economy. We reached for the stars, acted like men. We aspired to intelligence; we didn't belittle it; it didn't make us feel inferior. We didn't identify ourselves by who we voted for in the last election, and we didn't scare so easy. We were able to be all these things and do all these things because we were informed. By great men, men who were revered. The first step in solving any problem is recognizing there is one. America is not the greatest country in the world anymore.

Will McAvoy:
[to moderator] Enough?

Moderator:
There was a short piece on Vanity Fair's website by Marshall Westbrook, you probably saw it, where he calls you the Jay Leno of news anchors. You're popular because you don't bother anyone.

Will McAvoy:
Yeah.

Moderator:
How do you feel about that?

Charlie Skinner:
I'm a marine, Don! I will beat the sh*t out of you! I don't care how many protein bars you eat!

Will McAvoy:
You're the spokesperson for Halliburton.

Nick Warren:
And I came on this program voluntarily.

Will McAvoy:
I don't have subpoena power, everyone comes on this program voluntarily.

[Mac has changed the title display from "News Night with Will McAvoy" to "Vertigo Medicine with Will McAvoy"]

Will McAvoy:
I'm at least glad nobody's invented a way to digitally store images and upload them to a free website where anyone can see them.

Mackenzie MacHale:
*Has* someone invented a way to digitally store images...

Will McAvoy:
[shouts] YouTube! YouTube! Take it down!

Mackenzie MacHale:
Well, now you're just a crazy guy shouting "YouTube"!

Will McAvoy:
What does winning look like to you?

Mackenzie MacHale:
Reclaiming the fourth estate. Reclaiming journalism as an honorable profession. A nightly newscast that informs a debate worthy of a great nation. Civility, respect and a return to what's important; the death of bitchiness; the death of gossip and voyeurism; speaking truth to stupid. No demographic sweet spot; a place where we can all come together.

Jennifer Johnson:
Can you say why America is the greatest country in the world?

Sharon:
Diversity and opportunity.

Moderator:
Lewis?

Lewis:
Freedom and freedom... so let's keep it that way.

Moderator:
Will?

Will McAvoy:
The New York Jets.

Moderator:
No, I'm going to hold you to an answer on that. What makes America the greatest country in the world?

Will McAvoy:
Well, Lewis and Sharon said it. Diversity and opportunity and freedom and freedom.

Moderator:
I'm not letting you go back to the airport without answering the question.

Will McAvoy:
Well, our Constitution is a masterpiece. James Madison was a genius. The Declaration of Independence is, for me, the single greatest piece of American writing... [Professor keeps staring] You don't look satisfied.

Moderator:
One's a set of laws and the other's a declaration of war. I want a human moment from you... what about the people? Why is America...

Will McAvoy:
It's not the greatest country in the world, professor. That's my answer.

Moderator:
You're saying...

Will McAvoy:
Yes.

Moderator:
Let's talk about...

Will McAvoy:
Fine. [Turns to Sharon] Sharon, the NEA is a loser. Yeah, it accounts for a penny out of our paycheck, but he [gestures to Lewis] gets to hit you with it anytime he wants. It doesn't cost money, it costs votes. It costs airtime and column inches. You know why people don't like liberals? Cause they lose. If liberals are so f***ing smart, how come they lose so god damn always?

Sharon:
Hey!

Will McAvoy:
[Turns to Louis] And with a straight face, you're gonna tell students that America is so star-spangled awesome that we're the only ones in the world who have freedom? Canada has freedom. Japan has freedom. The UK. France. Italy. Germany. Spain. Australia... Belgium! has freedom... 207 sovereign states in the world, like 180 of 'em have freedom.

Moderator:
Alright...

Will McAvoy:
[Looks at Jenny] And, yeah, you... sorority girl. Just in case you accidentally wander into a voting booth one day, there are some things you should know. One of them is: There is absolutely no evidence to support the statement that we're the greatest country in the world. We're 7th in literacy, 27th in math, 22nd in science, 49th in life expectancy, 178th in infant mortality, 3rd in median household income, number 4 in labor force and number 4 in exports. We lead the world in only three categories: number of incarcerated citizens per capita, number of adults who believe angels are real and defense spending - where we spend more than the next 26 countries combined, 25 of whom are allies. Now, none of this is the fault of a 20-year-old college student, but you, nonetheless, are without a doubt a member of the worst period generation period ever period, so when you ask what makes us the greatest country in the world, I don't know what the F*** you're talking about!... Yosemite? [Stunned silence]... It sure used to be. We stood up for what was right. We fought for moral reasons. We passed laws, struck down laws - for moral reasons. We waged wars on poverty, not on poor people. We sacrificed, we cared about our neighbors, we put our money where our mouths were and we never beat our chest. We built great, big things, made ungodly technological advanced, explored the universe, cured diseases and we cultivated the world's greatest artists AND the world's greatest economy. We reached for the stars, acted like men. We aspired to intelligence, we didn't belittle it. It didn't make us feel inferior. We didn't identify ourselves by who we voted for in the last election and we didn't scare so easy. We were able to be all these things and do all these things because we were informed... by great men, men who were revered. First step in solving any problem is recognizing there is one. America is not the greatest country in the world anymore.

Don Keefer:
Oh, blow me.

Will McAvoy:
I want you to not use that language in front of women and forever not suggest that image to me.

Charlie Skinner:
I was in a bar in Da Nang...

Will McAvoy:
Just now?

Charlie Skinner:
1969. I was embedded with the 144th Artillery for UPI, and I was sitting there with a warm Coke watching a beautiful Vietnamese woman doing an exotic dance right in the middle of everybody. A beautiful, beautiful woman, and I thought to myself "I will never know what it is to be with a woman like that." And at that exact moment, the woman spun twice, teetered over, and fell right into my lap. That was a story about how sometimes some things just fall into your lap.

Will McAvoy:
Sharon, the NEA is a loser. Yeah, it accounts for a penny out of our paychecks, but he [gesturing to the conservative panelist] gets to hit you with it anytime he wants. It doesn't cost money, it costs votes. It costs airtime and column inches. You know why people don't like liberals? Because they lose. If liberals are so f***in' smart, how come they lose so GODDAMN ALWAYS! And [to the conservative panelist] with a straight face, you're going to tell students that America's so star-spangled awesome that we're the only ones in the world who have freedom? Canada has freedom, Japan has freedom, the UK, France, Italy, Germany, Spain, Australia, Belgium has freedom. Two hundred seven sovereign states in the world, like 180 of them have freedom. And you-sorority girl-yeah-just in case you accidentally wander into a voting booth one day, there are some things you should know, and one of them is that there is absolutely no evidence to support the statement that we're the greatest country in the world. We're seventh in literacy, twenty-seventh in math, twenty-second in science, forty-ninth in life expectancy, 178th in infant mortality, third in median household income, number four in labor force, and number four in exports. We lead the world in only three categories: number of incarcerated citizens per capita, number of adults who believe angels are real, and defense spending, where we spend more than the next twenty-six countries combined, twenty-five of whom are allies. None of this is the fault of a 20-year-old college student, but you, nonetheless, are without a doubt, a member of the WORST-period-GENERATION-period-EVER-period, so when you ask what makes us the greatest country in the world, I don't know what the f*** you're talking about? Yosemite? [long pause] We sure used to be. We stood up for what was right! We fought for moral reasons, we passed and struck down laws for moral reasons. We waged wars on poverty, not poor people. We sacrificed, we cared about our neighbors, we put our money where our mouths were, and we never beat our chest. We built great big things, made ungodly technological advances, explored the universe, cured diseases, and cultivated the world's greatest artists and the world's greatest economy. We reached for the stars, and we acted like men. We aspired to intelligence; we didn't belittle it; it didn't make us feel inferior. We didn't identify ourselves by who we voted for in the last election, and we didn't scare so easy. And we were able to be all these things and do all these things because we were informed. By great men, men who were revered. The first step in solving any problem is recognizing there is one-America is not the greatest country in the world anymore. [to the moderator] Enough?

Mackenzie MacHale:
Will, can you move your Blackberry off the desk?

Jim Harper:
[Will throws his Blackberry on a camera] Oh!

Mackenzie MacHale:
That wouldn't have happened if he'd had one of those rubber protectors.

Will McAvoy:
There's a hole in the side of your boat, he says. That hole is never going to be fixed, it's never going away, and you can't get a new boat. What you have to do is bail water out faster than it's coming in.

Charlie Skinner:
[In a flashback, in reference to his grandson playing "How I got to Memphis"] I asked him, "What's a New Jersey boy doing singing about Memphis?" He told me, "'Memphis' represents finding yourself, finding the right place, being where you're supposed to be, even if you realize you should have tried to get there sooner."

Will McAvoy:
Charlie Skinner was crazy. He identified with Don Quixote - an old man with dementia who thought he could save the world from an epidemic of incivility simply by acting like a knight. His religion was decency. He spent a lifetime fighting it's enemies. I wish he could be here to learn the name of his successor like I just did - our new boss, the new president of ACN is MacKenzie McKay. So this fight is just getting started because he taught the rest of us to be crazy too... You were a man, Charlie... A great big man.

Charlie Skinner:
[after Will correctly stated the name of a song that was playing] You *do* play a little guitar on the side.

Will McAvoy:
I do a little news anchoring on the side.

Charlie Skinner:
Have you ever thought about having kids?

Will McAvoy:
You mean adopting?

Charlie Skinner:
Adopting. Abducting. Meeting somebody. Getting married. Whatever it takes.

Will McAvoy:
Okay, please help me. I need to fully understand what's happening here.

MacKenzie McHale:
I'm seven weeks pregnant, and there's like a 5 in 9 chance that it's yours.

Will McAvoy:
Are you feeling alright? Should you be standing up? Is it alright for you to be outdoors?

Will McAvoy:
Do we know if it's a boy or a girl?

MacKenzie McHale:
Yeah, there's a good chance it's going to be one of those two.

Will McAvoy:
I think maybe we should just put you in a hospital bed right now and hook you up to an epidural. Would that be premature?

MacKenzie McHale:
Yes.

Will McAvoy:
Okay.

Don Keefer:
Sloan, you came down here, insulted my anchor and demanded to know why we didn't prepare a better interview. Let me add this to the conversation. For two years I've been listening to people like you say they can't believe no one's been prosecuted for these Wall Street crimes and after two years I'm still fuzzy on what crime was committed and who should be prosecuted for it. You're a financial news reporter who gets to spend an hour on one subject. And I'm at least an average consumer of news, and you have failed to get me to understand what you've called the most important story of the last ten years. So, after you get done telling me how badly we did *our* job last night, you may want to do an internal investigation of your own work. [pause] Visit us any time you want.

Will McAvoy:
[to a bartender] I thought I saw someone I knew in the audience. And she was prompting me. I was asked a question from the audience, and she wrote an answer down on a pad and pointed to it the way a producer would. But, it was a hallucination. Which I didn't think those really happened, but they do. Never doubt them again. [the bartender simply nods as if in understanding, but is otherwise silent] You're not as helpful as your movie counterparts.

Leona Lansing:
You've made a career out of being likable.

Will McAvoy:
I'd like to make a career out of doing the news.

Neal Sampat:
[In disbelief about what was being posted on his website for ACN] The nine most overrated movies of all time.

Bree Dorrit:
We thought it would be fun.

Neal Sampat:
For who?

Bree Dorrit:
For... movie fans? Look, I know this is...

Neal Sampat:
And I understand that you went all the way back to The Matrix.

Bree Dorrit:
Yeah.

Neal Sampat:
1999.

Bree Dorrit:
Yeah.

Neal Sampat:
All time and 14 years are two different units of measurement.

Neal Sampat:
You embarrass me. It took me a long time to build ACN Digital. I was laughed at by the people in this newsroom. People I respect and respect what I did around here, but I built this into a tool that gathered, expanded on and disseminated information that's useful. I kept telling my colleagues and my bosses that the internet is user sensitive just like most things and I watched from a thousand miles away while you proved that. You embarrass me.

Will McAvoy:
[Motioning to a guitar] You mind?

Bo:
No. That's right. You play guitar on the side.

Will McAvoy:
I'm a news anchor on the side.

MacKenzie McHale:
Will. By any chance, did you tell anyone about the pregnancy?

Will McAvoy:
No. Absolutely not. You're not supposed to do that until after the first semester.

MacKenzie McHale:
Trimester.

Will McAvoy:
Tess, Kendra, Tamara and Martin tricked me into telling them.

Gary Cooper:
Congratulations to you guys. That's going to be one good looking kid.

Will McAvoy:
And then they might have told some people.

Charlie Skinner:
[In a flashback while Will is remembering] You know what, kiddo? In the old days... of about ten minutes ago... we did the news well. You know how? [Emphatically] We just decided to. [He gives Will a big smile]

Prisoner:
You like to look down on people, don't you.

McAvoy:
Down is where some people are.