The Nude Bomb

Sauvage:
Calm down, dear Nino. I don't understand this outburst. You've become highly irrational since that explosion in your laboratory. You lost your eye, your arm, your leg, your larynx. What's wrong with you?

Maxwell Smart:
And if there's one thing I've learned, in many many years of experience, it's that you cannot be too careful with your gun.

[puts his gun away in his pants, accidentally pulls the trigger]

Maxwell Smart:
Excuse me. [turns around examines himself, turns back]

Chief:
Are you al right?

Maxwell Smart:
Missed it by that much.

Maxwell Smart:
[Max and agent 34 crash into a roadblock with a sign showing skull and crossbones and a German warning] Just our luck, we gotta run into a poisonous Achtung.

Agent 34:
That means attention. There has been an avalanche.

Maxwell Smart:
Why, I once knew an agent who went into the Pentagon building in Washington, and was lost for three days!

Agent 22:
Three days? I can't believe anyone could get that confused.

Maxwell Smart:
Well, let me see. I went in on a Tuesday...

Maxwell Smart:
[looking at a large door that works like a zipper] That's the second biggest zipper I've ever seen!

Maxwell Smart:
[introducing Agent 22 to Agent 36] 36 - 22 - 36

Sauvage:
Your bogus ingenuousness is straining my equanimity.

Maxwell Smart:
Could you put that another way?

Sauvage:
You're pissing me off.

Chief:
We're really up against it, this time, 86. The fate of the entire world is in your hands.

Maxwell Smart:
Oh no, not again. Well, ok this time, but next week I'm on vacation, Chief. If you get in trouble then, it's your ass.

Maxwell Smart:
You know, Chief, this nude bomb might solve a lot of problems.

Chief:
Such as?

Maxwell Smart:
Well for one thing, flashers.

Chief:
Only you would think of a that, Max.

Maxwell Smart:
That's why they pay me the big bucks. And there'd be no more trouble with concealed weapons. I mean if everyone was nude, there'd be no place to hide a gun or a knife. Well, there is a place, but it could be painful.

Agent 36:
You're a legend, 86. When I was studying well the Spy Academy I reviewed every one of your cases.

Maxwell Smart:
Oh, well, wouldn't you like to hear my side of the story?

Agent 36:
I think you're wonderful.

Maxwell Smart:
Oh, you have heard my side of the story.

Maxwell Smart:
Of course, the old bullet in the barrel trick.

President:
[on hotline in limo] Now you realize, Mr. Smart, that once KAOS learns your mission, they'll stop at nothing. You'll be in imminent danger, constant jeopardy, facing death at every turn.

Maxwell Smart:
[on other line in Control Cab] And... loving it.

Maxwell Smart:
A stapler telephone? That's fantastic, Carruthers. Can it also be used as a stapler?

Carruthers:
No.

Maxwell Smart:
Oh, well, you'd better work on that.

Maxwell Smart:
That girl worries me a lot, Chief. Whatever happened to the regulations regarding female agents? They're supposed to be unmarried, without dependence and willing to fool around a lot.

Maxwell Smart:
Of course, the old big black truck trick.

Agent 22:
I've never seen that maneuver before: falling over backwards and coming up shooting. When did you first think of that?

Maxwell Smart:
The second my foot hit this banana peel.

Sauvage:
Maxwell Smart is a fool and a bumbler.

Nino Salvatori Sebastiani:
So how do you explain how this bumbler has been able to thwart KAOS constanly in the past?

Sauvage:
He's a lucky bumbler.

Larrabee:
Max, I've been thinking about it. And if they decide to drop the nude bomb, I know the answer.

Larrabee:
[Max does not reply] Well?

Maxwell Smart:
Well what?

Larrabee:
Don't you wanna know the answer?

Maxwell Smart:
No.

Larrabee:
Food.

Maxwell Smart:
Food?

Larrabee:
Sure, the whole world will start wearing food.

Carruthers:
[on stapler phone] Carruthers here. I am leaving the stapler location. I'll be at my piano number in half an hour. If you need me earlier, call me on my jock strap. But please, just ring once...

Maxwell Smart:
Of course! The old dashboard in the draw trick.

Maxwell Smart:
Look, 22, when I'm on a case, I don't fool around. I mean, before a case? Maybe. After a case? Definitely. During a case? Never.

Maxwell Smart:
[holding 36's bra in his lef hand] 22, I can explain this bra in 5 seconds.

Maxwell Smart:
[accidentally revealing 36's panties in his other hand] Eh, these panties are gonna take a little longer.

Agent 22:
[referring to Jonathan Levinson Seigle] We have to ask him some questions.

Doctor:
He can't talk.

Maxwell Smart:
Can he type?

Landlady:
[Max is holding up his identification] That doesn't look anything like you.

Maxwell Smart:
It's my thumb print.

Maxwell Smart:
22 was married to the late, great 78? Wasn't he a little old for her?

Agent 13:
[hiding in Popular Spy magazine] Well, let's see. 22 was 21 when she married 78 in '72. 78 was 46, that means 78 was 22, 32, 42, 25 years older than 22. 22 joined P.I.T.S when 78 died in 75.

Maxwell Smart:
Tell me, 13, how was 78 killed?

Agent 13:
Investigating the numbers racket.

Edith Von Secondberg:
[to Max] You're quite witty.

Maxwell Smart:
And charming.

Edith Von Secondberg:
There's something I think you should know, Maxwell.

Maxwell Smart:
And what is that?

Edith Von Secondberg:
Your ski's are on fire.

Maxwell Smart:
[referring to Jonathan Levinson Seigle] He's too weak to talk, he's humming the information to us!

Maxwell Smart:
I'm a secret agent. And I am here on a very important mission, Edith. May I call you Edith?

Edith Von Secondberg:
I'd like that. Particularly since that's my name. You'll find I answer a lot faster to it than I would if you called me Marion.

Maxwell Smart:
I'm going to level with you, Marion... May I call you Marion?

Maxwell Smart:
I advise you to drop your guns an put up your hands.

KAOS #1:
Why?

Maxwell Smart:
Because at this very minute, my friend, this chalet is being completely surrounded by 500 alpine crack troops.

KAOS #1:
I find that hard to believe.

Maxwell Smart:
Would you believe 150 Tirolian ski-troops?

KAOS #2:
No we wouldn't.

Maxwell Smart:
How about 2 Saint Bernards in heat?

Maxwell Smart:
[having dropped the Chief off a bridge] Sorry about that, Chief.

Carruthers:
We've landed totally undetected, thanks to the my genius in creating the noiseless shush-copter.

Maxwell Smart:
Carruthers, radio our position to P.I.T.S. central. Tell them to send in the task force and to have them get here faster than possible. [Carruthers leaves]

Maxwell Smart:
Al right, 22, we got to invade that zipper before the mountain's fly closes.

Agent 22:
Instant cloning?

Sauvage:
Yes. When I need them, there'll be a room full of Roses.

Sauvage:
Well Mr Smart, evidently I underestimated you. You're not a complete fool after all. Almost, very close, but not complete.

Maxwell Smart:
Sorry about that... Normie.

Chief:
Where's Sauvage?

Maxwell Smart:
He got hung up.