The Nutty Professor

Sherman Klump / Buddy Love:
I heard of dreadlocks, but shitlocks?

Sherman Klump / Buddy Love:
Ok, fat jokes! You wanna do fat jokes? Alright! Your mother's so fat, the b*tch needs Thomas Guide to find her a**hole! Alright! Wait, wait, wait, your mother's so fat, after sex I roll over twice, and I'm still on the b*tch! Your mother is so fat, she fell in the Grand Canyon and got stuck! Reggie's mother's so fat, that the b*tch gets her toenails painted at Earl Scheib! Earl Scheib! At Earl Scheib! Reggie's mama is so fat, her blood type is Rocky Road! His mother is so fat, her belt size is Equator. Get it, equator.

Sherman Klump / Buddy Love:
If you give me a moment, I can explain. My research is, um... Well, when I started out, I wanted to help people. But then I became desperate and selfish. And what I did was wrong. Buddy's who I thought the whole world wanted me to be. He's who I thought I wanted to be. And sometimes when you want something so so bad, you'll do just about anything to get it. But I learned one thing from Buddy. Life isn't about being happy with how much you weigh, but just being happy with yourself. I'm terribly sorry about all of this, I hope I haven't ruined everybody's evening. Please excuse me.

Sherman Klump / Buddy Love:
The truth is, Carla, I'm a big man. Now I will lose weight, but I'm always gonna be big no matter what I do. So anyone I end up with is just going to have to accept me for who I am. More importantly, I'm going to have to accept myself for who I am.

Sherman Klump / Buddy Love:
I'm thin!

Sherman Klump / Buddy Love:
Why, thank you very much, I'm fatter-I'm flattered!

Grandma Klump:
I hope your ass turn into a frog

Mother Klump:
Don't break gas and destroy our meal.

Papa Klump:
You want your colon cleansed? Fine, I'm gonna clean mine! (breaks wind)

Reggie Warrington:
Whoo-whoo! It's a full moon tonight! I think I found what had hit Jimmy Hoffer! Boy, you got more crack than Harlem!

Sherman Klump:
(pretending to laugh) Okay! Okay, now! Alright!

Reggie Warrington:
Boy's so fat, that everytime I turn around, it's his birthday! Boy, you gotta put a belt on with a boomerang!

Sherman Klump:
Okay, alright! Alright, now, you got me!

Reggie Warrington:
Oh, I aint got you yet! Should I get him? (crowd cheers)

Reggie Warrington:
SHOULD I GET HIM?! (crowd cheers again)

Reggie Warrington:
Oh, look at this, he' with a woman too! Oh, no! Who's sucking who's titties over here?! Last time he got a breast, it was in a bucket of KFC! Extra Krispy! Every time he goes to sea world, they tame him! He must be on that new diet, Slim Slow! He go outside with a red shirt on, all the kids in the neighborhood shout "Hey! Kool Aid!" Yeah, man! I bet I cut his fat ass open, he'll bleed chocolate milk! What would you do for a Klondike bar?! Now we know what's been eating Gilbert Grape, don't we?!

Buddy Love:
Ok, fat jokes! You wanna do fat jokes? Alright! Your mother's so fat, the b*tch needs Thomas Guide to find her a**hole! Alright! Wait, wait, wait, your mother's so fat, after sex I roll over twice, and I'm still on the b*tch! Your mother is so fat, she fell in the Grand Canyon and got stuck! Reggie's mother's so fat, that the b*tch gets her toenails painted at Earl Scheib! Earl Scheib! At Earl Scheib! HAHAHAHAHAHA!

Reggie Warrington:
Hey, hey, get off the stage, man! You ain't in show business.

Buddy Love:
Reggie's mama is so fat, her blood type is Rocky Road! His mother is so fat, her belt size is Equator. Get it, equator. Let's give a big round of applause for Reggie's mama's ass. That's a big ass!

Reggie Warrington:
ENOUGH! SILENCE! I can't take this sh*t no more! Now you done talked about me enough, boy! I tried to be peaceful, but now it's time for Reggie to "Karatasize" your ass!

Buddy Love:
Whooooo!

Buddy Love:
Oh, Reggie! I've heard of "Dreadlocks", but "Shitlocks?!" That's not your hair! Take that pile of sh*t off your head, man! You've going too far with the comedy!

Reggie Warrington:
(Karate yells) Come on! Come on! This is called "kick your ass style!" Reggie studied it on the street!

Buddy Love:
Ladies and gentlemen, me and Reggie wanna sing one out to a very special lady in the house tonight! (to Carla Purdy) Loving you, is easy come, you're beautiful! Do-do-do-do-do! Reggie?

Buddy Love:
That was pretty! Ladies and gentlemen, Reggie has left the building! Thank you, and good night!

Inside Sherman Klump, a party animal is about to break out.

Sherman:
[sadly] Thank you for the dinner, Mama.

Mama Klump:
[concerned] Sherman, what's wrong with you? Baby, you still worried about what your father said in there? [understanding] Ohhh...Son, listen to me you arespecial. And when the Good Lord made you, he made you beautiful inside and out. You can do anything Sherman...all you have to do is believe in yourself and you can do anything.

Mama Klump:
You know, Sherman, I think I do remember hearing something on TV about colon cleansing. They say everyone should have one. I'm thinking about getting me an appointment to go down and get my colon cleansed thoroughly.

Cletus Klump:
You want your colon cleansed? Fine, I'm gonna clean mine!

[Farts loudly. Ernie Jr. starts laughing hysterically]

Cletus Klump:
See that? Now my colon is clean. I'm talking, squeaky clean.

Mama Klump:
Cletus, every time we're having a meal, you always gotta go off breaking gas. Don't break gas and destroy our meal!

Cletus Klump:
Don't tell me to stop! You're the one who brought up colon cleansin' and all that mess!

Mama Klump:
I did not say anything about breaking gas! I was talking about getting my colon clean!

Cletus Klump:
Don't you talk about stickin' a tube up somebody's ass, but I can't break wind.

Mama Klump:
I didn't say nothin' about stickin' no hose up nobody's ass, Cletus-

Cletus Klump:
What do you think a colonic is? You think yo gonna run yo a**hole by the car wash?

Reggie Warrington:
Whoo-whoo! It's a full moon tonight! I think I found where they hid Jimmy Hoffa!

Sherman Klump:
[pretending to laugh] Yeah! Yeah, that's a good one there.

Reggie Warrington:
Oh boy, you got more crack than Harlem! Boy's so fat, every time I turn around, it's his birthday! Boy, you gotta put a belt on with a boomerang!

Sherman Klump:
Okay, now, alright! That's it, got me!

Reggie Warrington:
Oh no. No, I ain't got you yet! Should I get him? [crowd cheers] SHOULD I GET HIM?! [crowd cheers again]

Reggie Warrington:
Oh, look at this, he' with a woman too! Oh, no! Who's sucking who's titties over here?! Last time he got a breast, it was in a bucket of KFC! Extra Krispy! Every time he goes to sea world, they tame him! He must be on that new diet, Slim Slow! He go outside with a red shirt on, all the kids in the neighborhood shout "Hey! Kool Aid!" Yeah, man! I bet I cut his fat ass open, he'll bleed chocolate milk! What would you do for a Klondike bar?! Now we know what's been eating Gilbert Grape, don't we?!

Buddy Love:
[arriving to "The Scream" for his date] You are too fine to be giving me curbside service!

Carla Purdy:
[angrily] I'm not, I'm leaving.

Buddy Love:
What are you talking about leaving? We just got here!

Carla Purdy:
No, you just got here, I've been waiting for you for almost an hour!

Buddy Love:
Hey, now they say anticipation helps make the appetite grow stronger, if you know what I mean.

Carla Purdy:
Anticipate the night alone.

Buddy Love:
Hey, hey, let's just have a meal together! Why you leaving? Hey-what, do you want me to beg you?! I get down on my knees! I'm begging in front of all these people! You think I care that all these people are watching? I'm sorry! I'M SORRY!!! I WANT THE WORLD TO KNOW THAT I WAS LATE, AND I'M SORRY!!! My car ran out of gas! I needed fresh drawers! My mother's sick! The car broke down on the street! I'm so sorry!

Carla Purdy:
[embarrassed] Buddy, get up.

Buddy Love:
No, listen, you gotta hear me out! Now, I am sorry! I don't know why this happened tonight! Of all nights, this has to happen to me tonight! WHYYYY?!

Carla Purdy:
Okay.

Buddy Love:
WHYYYYYY?!

Carla Purdy:
Okay!

Buddy Love:
WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY?!

Carla Purdy:
Okay, okay, okay!!!

Buddy Love:
[instantly changes mood] Okay good, let's eat! I am SO hungry. Hey, don't let the tears fool you, I'm a tooth chipper.

Carla Purty:
[looking at Buddy's plates] Six T-Bones, five baked potatoes, and two servings of Creamed Spinach. I have NEVER seen anyone eat so much. You are so lucky to stay so thin.

Buddy Love:
Oh, "lucky" has nothing to do with it. It's a matter of recombinant ribonucleic acids unzipped by a radioactive guanine peptide.

Carla Purty:
...And what does that mean?

Buddy Love:
I dunno, I was just trying to sound extra intelligent. Gotcha! You gonna eat that?

Buddy Love:
Ok, fat jokes! You wanna do fat jokes? Alright! Your mother's so fat, the b*tch needs Thomas Guide to find her a**hole! Alright! Wait, wait, wait, your mother's so fat, after sex I roll over twice, and I'm still on the b*tch! Your mother is so fat, she fell in the Grand Canyon and got stuck! Reggie's mother's so fat, that the b*tch gets her toenails painted at Earl Scheib! Earl Scheib! At Earl Scheib! HAHAHAHAHAHA! [walks onto the stage, still laughing hysterically]

Reggie Warrington:
Hey, hey, get off the stage, man! You ain't in show business.

Buddy Love:
Reggie's mama is so fat, her blood type is Rocky Road! His mother is so fat, her belt size is Equator. Get it, equator. Let's give a big round of applause for Reggie's mama's ass, that brought us so much joy tonight. That's a big ass!

Reggie Warrington:
ENOUGH! SILENCE! I can't take this sh*t no more! Now you done talked about me enough, boy! I tried to be peaceful, but now it's time for Reggie to "Karatacize" your ass!

Buddy Love:
Whooooo!

Reggie Warrington:
Aw yeah.

[Reggie takes off hat, revealing his ridiculous-looking hair, and Buddy and the audience start laughing.]

Buddy Love:
Oh, Reggie! I've heard of "Dreadlocks", but "Shitlocks?!" That's not your hair! Take that pile of sh*t off your head, man! You’re craz- you just go too far with the comedy!

Reggie Warrington:
[karate yells] Come on! Come on!

Buddy Love:
What’s that?

Reggie Warrington:
Aw yeah, that’s my style boy, you didn’t know Reggie studied.

Buddy Love:
What style is that?

Reggie Warrington:
It’s called "kick your ass style", boy!

Buddy Love:
Oh sh*t.

Reggie Warrington:
Reggie done studied on the streets!

[Reggie tries to kick Buddy, but Buddy grabs his foot, and flips him over. Buddy laughs hysterically, Reggie glowers, and turns back around]

Reggie Warrington:
Aw, you quick, but I’m quicker. Watch my feet.

Buddy Love:
Well come on with it.

Reggie Warrington:
Imma come on with it, Imma come on with it, Imma co-[karate yells again]

[Reggie tries to punch him, but Buddy grabs his arm, twists it, and bangs his head on the edge of the piano. He and Buddy sit at the piano.]

Buddy Love:
Ladies and gentlemen, me and Reggie wanna send one out to a very special lady in the house tonight! [to Carla Purdy] Loving you, is easy ‘cause you're beautiful! Do-do-do-do-do! Reggie?

[Buddy cracks Reggie's hand]

Reggie Warrington:
AAAAAUUUUUUUGGGHHHHHH... leggo.

Buddy Love:
That was pretty! Ladies and gentlemen, Reggie has left the building! Thank you, and good night!

[Buddy throws Reggie into the piano.]

Dean Richmond:
Oh, with you, it's always business. Let's get to know each other, man-to-man. Now, if our files are correct, you and your fabulous wife have a terrific daughter.

Harlan Hartley:
I'm divorced and my daughter is in rehab

Dean Richmond:
So you're saying our files are NOT correct.

Harlan Hartley:
Listen, you pompous butt-kisser. I have a check in my pocket for $10 million. Your Buddy Love has until midnight to prove that formula works.

Buddy Love:
Carla, are you ready to go upstairs?

[Carla slaps him]

Buddy Love:
I guess not. Hey, wait, Carla! Where are you going? What's your problem?

Carla Purty:
[points to three women] THEY'RE my problem! You can handle all three of them, huh?!

Buddy Love:
Oh, well, I was thinking after dinner, you'd want a little group activity. After all, Buddy does have a lot of love to give.[winks at her]

Carla Purty:
Ooh, you are one sick, twisted freak!

Buddy Love:
Hey Carla, where you going? Wha-? Go on, leave! There's more titties over here anyway! Yeah. More titties!

Buddy Love:
Ladies and gentlemen, for my final demonstration - look out, David Copperfield - I'm about to make a 400-pound fat man... disappear FOREVER! [produces a vial of serum]

Jason:
[off-screen] NOOO!!! [enters the auditorium; angrily advances towards the stage] Wait! I can not... let you do this... any more! This... has got... to stop! [runs onto the stage; stands next to Buddy and points at him] This man is trying to kill Professor Sherman Klump!

Papa Klump:
Oh, that's it! I'm glad I brought my knife! [reaches into his pocket]

Mama Klump:
Mm-hmm. And I got my razor. [opens her purse]

Jason:
[to Buddy] Hand over the vial now!

Buddy Love:
Oh, sure thing, hamster boy! But first, a short musical interlude! [punches Jason, sending him flying into some trombones; the audience gasps]

Carla Purty:
[angry] BUDDY! What has gotten into you, and where's Sherman?!

Buddy Love:
Sherman is GONE! Disappeared! [more gasps; Mama and Papa Klump look at each other in confusion] And that's a pretty good trick for a man with an ass as big as his! [his watch beeps] Ooh, I'm late for an appointment. Ladies and gentlemen, say goodbye to Sherman Klump! [prepares to drink the vial, but Jason pops back up]

Jason:
I hate being called "hamster boy". [punches Buddy, causing him to drop the vial; the audience gasps again. He then clutches his fist in pain]

Buddy Love:
[amused] You just don't know when to quit, do you? [goes to punch Jason again, but Sherman's fist appears instead of his; the audience gasps once more]

[During this 'fight', the alternating control of Klump/Love's joint body is represented by Love's normal face 'bulging out' to resemble Sherman's]

Buddy Love:
Sherman, don't do this! YOU NEED ME!!!!!

Sherman Klump:
NO, I DON'T!

Buddy Love:
[slaps Sherman] You fat ass!

Sherman Klump:
[slaps Buddy] Tinkerbell!

Buddy Love:
[slaps Sherman] Blubber butt!

Sherman Klump:
[slaps Buddy] Featherweight!

Papa Klump:
Somebody better call an exorcist!

Buddy Love:
Sherman! Sherman! YOU CAN'T BEAT ME!!!!!

Papa Klump:
This is some scary sh*t!

Sherman Klump:
[punches Buddy several times] YES... I... CAN!!!!!

[Buddy's watch beeps; he starts to feel dizzy]

Mama Klump:
Sherman, come back here! [claps her hands] Sherman!

Buddy Love:
[clutches his head] What's happenin' to me? Everything's gettin' real dark! Oh, I feel real jiggly! I'm blubbifyin'! Sherman, you needed me! I taught you to be confident! You needed me, Sherman! Sherman, no matter what, no matter what... you got to strut...

Carla Purty:
You know something I couldn't stand about Buddy?

Sherman Klump:
What's that?

Carla Purty:
He was too damn scrawny.

Your Mama's so fat when she went to go Rob a bank they turned the cameras off

Buddy Love:
I lost 300 pounds in 30 seconds! [he took a megashake] Thanks, Megashake!

Jason:
[angrily; about Sherman] YOU TRICKED HIM!

Buddy Love:
Oh, you damn right, hamster boy. I knew Sherman was gonna go soft on me. That can wreak havoc on a man's sex life. [laughs] See, I've done some calculations of my own. If I drink 500 milliters of formula, I'll have enough cellular stability to be rid of Sherman's ass forever!

Jason:
No. You drink that much formula at one time and it will kill you!

Buddy Love:
If I drink it all at once, yes. If I drink half now and half later, that's completely safe. And at midnight, I don't have to worry about turning into no Klumpkin. Now if you don't mind, I have a date at the alumni ball, and you have a date with linoleum!

Jason:
Who?

[Buddy punches Jason, who falls to the floor in a heap]

Sherman Klump / Buddy Love:
NO TITTIES! NO TITTIES! NO TITTIES! [to an attractive woman next to him] Not you, me. I’m talking about me. My titties are gone. Your titties are lovely. What’s your name?

Give it up fat boy It over!

It ain't over till the fat professor sings

Let go of my hand you fat mother..

It's too late fat boy it's over!