The Odd Couple

[Opening narration]

Narrator:
On November 13, Felix Unger was asked to remove himself from his place of residence; that request came from his wife. Deep down, he knew she was right, but he also knew that some day he would return to her. With nowhere else to go, he appeared at the home of his friend, Oscar Madison. Several years earlier, Madison's wife had thrown HIM out, requesting that HE never return. Can two divorced men share an apartment without driving each other crazy?

Felix Unger:
The man puts his ketchup on his salad.

Oscar Madison:
So? I like ketchup. It's like tomato wine.

Felix Unger:
What are you doing?

Oscar Madison:
Sterilizing the wound.

Felix Unger:
With beer?

Oscar Madison:
It's got alcohol in it.

Felix Unger:
Everyone thinks I'm a hypochondriac. It makes me sick.

Felix Unger:
I'm going to the studio to pick up the gauntlet he threw down.

Murray Greshler:
You're so tidy.

Oscar Madison:
You want brown juice or green juice?

Felix Unger:
What's the difference?

Oscar Madison:
Three weeks.

Oscar Madison:
You ruined my wine.

Felix Unger:
Here's a dollar. Buy another three bottles.

Felix Unger:
Everything you've ever owned is on that bed.

Felix Unger:
What do you dream about?

Oscar Madison:
Living alone.

Oscar Madison:
Don't talk to me about Christmas, will ya? All that sticky, phony goodwill. I'd like to get a giant candy cane and beat the wings off a sugar plum fairy.

[when Oscar opens a suitcase from his closet, clothes fall out]

Felix Unger:
What's that?

Oscar Madison:
Guess I forgot to unpack from the last trip.

[pointing under the bed]

Felix Unger:
There are things growing under there!

[Oscar's girlfriend is trying to get him to lose weight]

Oscar Madison:
Honey, that's fun fat. Everybody has that.

Felix Unger:
I don't.

Oscar Madison:
You don't have any fun either.

Howard Cosell:
[pointing to Oscar] Either he leaves or I leave.

Felix Unger:
[turning to Oscar] Leave!

[Oscar is dating the princess of a tiny European country]

Princess:
My country is so small we only sent one athlete to the Olympics.

Oscar Madison:
Oh? What event did he compete in?

Princess:
All of them!

Oscar Madison:
How did he do?

Princess:
He died in the relays.

Felix Unger:
[while doing a commercial] I am a dramatization of a doctor.

Felix Unger:
[to woman on witness stand] Ah... you *assumed*. My dear, you should never *assume*. You see, when you *assume* [writes the word "assume" on a blackboard] , you make an *ass*... out of *you*... and *me*.

[repeated line]

Felix Unger:
Oh, Oscar, Oscar, Oscar!

[repeated line]

Howard Cosell:
Don't call me Howie!

Felix Unger:
She likes... David Cassidy better than me! [Despondent that his daughter, Edna, isn't speaking to him]

Oscar Madison:
So do I!

[repeated line]

Felix Unger:
[to Oscar] Let this be on your head.

Oscar Madison:
Felix, if you get on that plane alone, I will break every bone in your body.

Howard Cosell:
That nasal twang is the single most identifiable voice in all of broadcasting.

Charley:
Boy, wait 'til I tell all the guys that I met Howard Cosell and Oscar Madison.

Howard Cosell:
Make sure you tell them in that order, Charley.

Howard Cosell:
[to a stage-frightened Oscar] There's nothing wrong with your television sets, Ladies and Gentleman. It's just Oscar Madison telling you all he knows about football.

Howard Cosell:
[after Felix's rambling broadcast] Ladies and Gentlemen, let me recap the three plays you just missed.

Dr. Bates:
[Felix and Oscar are sitting in a psychiatrist's waiting room] Could you make me another cup of coffee? This coffee is too sweet.

Receptionist:
Well, I made it the way I always do.

Dr. Bates:
I know... but it's too sweet. It's ALWAYS too sweet.

Receptionist:
Well, if you don't like the way I make the coffee, why don't you make it yourself?

Dr. Bates:
I don't make it myself because it's not my JOB to make it myself. I already have a job. [Pulls diploma off wall] See? I'm a doctor.

Receptionist:
Well, I have a job, too. I have to type.

Dr. Bates:
Let me show you what I think of your typing. [Pulls paper out of typewriter, crumples it]

Receptionist:
Let me show YOU what I think of your diploma. [Takes diploma from doctor, drops it in wastebasket]

Dr. Bates:
[Quietly seething] You... walk funny.

Receptionist:
YOU... are BALD. [Doctor feebly strokes bald spot on head a few times, retreats from office, head down]

Receptionist:
The doctor will see you now. [Felix nods to Oscar, they both bolt from office]

Myrna Turner:
Play nice. Don't fight, don't hit or yell.

Oscar Madison:
Thank you Joe Namath, and thanks for the panty hose.

Officer Murray Greshler:
Where are you going?

Felix Unger:
To pick up the gauntlet he threw down!

Officer Murray Greshler:
He's so tidy.

Felix Unger:
Keep the squid!

Oscar Madison:
Who are you, Jacques Cousteau?

Oscar Madison:
Your name is Homer? [Shocked upon hearing Speed's real name from the guard]

Speed:
[Sarastically] What? You think when I was born my parents named me SPEED?

Felix Unger:
[to woman on witness stand] Ah... you *assumed*. My dear, you should never *assume*. You see, when you *assume*

[writes the word "assume" on a blackboard, then circles each element as he says:
]

Felix Unger:
, you make an *ass*... out of *you*... and *me*.

Oscar Trevor Madison:
Home delivery is for newspapers, not for babies!

Mr. Yamata:
They think it is hip to eat Nip.

Mr. Yamata:
I was a kamikaze pilot; I get nervous and make safe landing.

Mr. Yamata:
Finally got even for Pearl Harbor.

Oscar Madison:
Aristophanes...........

Felix Unger:
Ridiculous!

Felix Unger:
It's our all-purpose clue, Aristophanes

Felix Unger:
Everyone knows Aristophenes wrote a play called the Birds.

Oscar Madison:
Everyone but me.

Messenger Boy:
Mr. Oscar Madison?

Oscar Madison:
Yeah.

Messenger Boy:
You have a singing telegram.

Oscar Madison:
Lay it on me, kid.

Messenger Boy:
[singing] Seasons' greetings, Oscar, boy - my alimony's due. If you don't pay up right away, I'll get the cops on you, And you'll spend Christmas in the clink, with other bums like you. [speaking] Signed, your former wife, Blanche Madison [he holds out his hand]

Oscar Madison:
You expect a tip from me for that?

Messenger Boy:
What tip? She sent it collect.

Oscar Madison:
For thirty years I wanted to take a swinging cruise and you book me on a boat where everyone calls me "sonny".

Felix Unger:
Oscar, Oscar, Oscar.

Oscar Madison:
What, what, what?

Felix Unger:
Oscar, Oscar, Oscar.

Oscar Madison:
Never mind with the "Oscar".

Officer Murray Greshler:
What's this all about? and it better be good... my wife thinks I'm fooling around with the meter maid.

Pop Belkon:
This is Pop Belkon. Since it just you boys here now, let me show you some of the tricks that made me famous in my barnstormin' days......

David Steinberg:
I noticed that Felix takes his used flashbulbs and he puts them back in their boxes. And he keeps them all so neatly stacked.

Oscar Madison:
He's the same way at home. It's like living with a chipmunk.

Felix Unger:
Skyscrapers aren't built on sympathy, buster!

Felix Unger:
I told you to wear a mourning coat!

Oscar Madison:
I wear this coat every morning.

Oscar Madison:
Was your country in the Olympics?

Princess:
Yes, but we only had one athlete.

Oscar Madison:
Really? What event did he compete in?

Princess:
All of them!

Oscar Madison:
How did he do?

Princess:
...He died in the relays.