The Opposite of Sex

[Trying to calm Randy down]

Dedee:
Randy, be Christlike!

Lucia:
You're probably a blessing in disguise. F***ing good disguise.

Dedee:
I'd like a Long Island iced tea, please.

Bill Truitt:
Is that a good idea, for the baby?

Dedee:
Oh, please. This baby owes its life to Long Island iced teas, if you know what I mean.

Jason Bock:
If I save one kid from getting butt-f***ed, from having his ass totally reamed until it looks like the Lincoln Tunnel and he can't stand up for three weeks, then maybe all of this is worth... something. Teachers everywhere have to learn that no means no... at least until we've dropped out.

[about marrying Matt]

Dedee:
I just don't think it's something we should rush into.

Lucia:
Oh, no, no. But bring another human life onto the planet - that's whim time.

Randy:
I'm just askin' that you stand by your man, like I'm standin' next to you! You know, a lot of guys, man, they woulda said that, "Shucks, man, she took up with them homosexuals. You know, she turned her back on righteousness."

Dedee:
Oh, yeah, but blowing you in the backseat of your car every day after band, that was a stairway to heaven, right?

Girl Student:
This is America, and we're Christians here - aside from a few Jewish people who were just born that way - and I can tell you one thing: Jesus Christ and his apostles were certainly not into "man-on-man action," which is how they describe it on their porno videos, which, I am proud to say, Blockbuster does not carry. Um, I work there and it's very family... [pause] Plus, that religion John Travolta belongs to.

Bill Truitt:
He made his bed, he can lie in it.

Lucia:
If there's room.

Lucia:
Why did he grow that beard? And his posture! He looks like Early Man.

Lucia:
Matt, this is not your baby, OK? It's some other idiot's baby, probably with an eighth grade education and a trunk full of Waco pamphlets.

Lucia:
Vagina, vagina, vagina. Does that word do anything for you?

Bill Truitt:
I don't think it does much for anyone, gay or straight.

Dedee:
If you think I'm just plucky and scrappy and all I need is love, you're in over your heads. I don't have a heart of gold and I *don't* grow one later, OK? But relax. There's other people a lot nicer coming up - we call them "losers."

Dedee:
God. How does a woman get so bitter?

Lucia:
Observation.

[Dedee in labor]

Lucia:
Are you having contractions?

Dedee:
No, this is my sleepy face! WHAT THE F*** DO YOU THINK?

Dedee Truitt:
Lucia and Carl had their baby. You can imagine the pick of that litter. It was the kind of kid that if you played with it too much after a feeding, you threw up.

Dedee:
My mother was the kind of mother who always said she was her daughter's best friend. Whenever she did, I thought, "Great! Not only do I have a shitty mother, but my best friend's a loser b*tch!"

Lucia:
See, you think you're being nice, but it's really just self-destructive.

Bill Truitt:
When is it too hot to analyze me? 110, 115 degrees?

Lucia:
You've got a death wish. So selfish. [pause] I have one too, but I direct it toward others.

[Refusing heterosexual sex with Dedee]

Matt Mateo:
I've never tried communism, but I know I wouldn't like that. It's the same thing. Or grits.

[Why sex is the opposite of what she wants]

Dedee:
Sex always ends in kids or disease or like, you know, relationships.

Lucia:
This is how we do things on the Planet Maturia. We have much to teach you.

Sheriff Carl Tippett:
What's the point of sleeping with you if it doesn't get your attention?

Sheriff Carl Tippett:
Say the point of sex isn't recreation or procreation or any of that stuff. Say it's concentration. Say it's supposed to focus your attention on the person you're sleeping with, like biological highlighter. Otherwise, there's just too many people in the world.

Dedee:
This part where I take the gun is like, duh, important.

Matt Mateo:
I'm bisexual.

Lucia:
Puh-lease! I went to a bar mitzvah once. That doesn't make me Jewish.

Lucia:
Bill, I don't think he's as stupid we think.

Bill Truitt:
As you think, Lucia.

[She gets mad and walks to the door]

Lucia:
Fine! Goddammit! God... F***! Sh*t! I hope Tom Cruise is as straight as they come... I never thought he wasn't!

Dedee Truitt:
[narrating] Rule one of sex: a person can do anything for ten minutes if they don't breath in.

Lucia:
I don't know how you do it. You're always so nice and so calm. Tom was like that too. It's depressing.

Bill Truitt:
You're nice.

Lucia:
That's how I always felt around you too, like the Baroness in The Sound of Music. While everybody's just singing and climbing an Alp. And I just wanna STUFF THAT GUITAR UP THAT NUN'S ASS! And... ugh!

[Pulling on Jason's nipple ring to get information about where Dedee and Matt are]

Jason Bock:
Ow, that's pierced! Ow!

Bill Truitt:
Listen to me, you little grunge f*ggot. I survived my family, my schoolyard, every Republican, every other Democrat, Anita Bryant, the Pope, the f***ing Christian Coalition, not to mention a real son of a b*tch of a virus, in case you haven't noticed. In all that time since Paul Lynde and Truman Capote were the only fairies in America, I've been busting my ass so that you'd be able to do what you wanted with yours! So I don't just want your obedience right now - which I do want and plenty of it - but I want your f***ing gratitude, right f***ing now, or you're going to be looking down a long road at your nipple in the dirt! Do you hear what I'm saying?

Jason Bock:
Yes!

Bill Truitt:
Take me to them!

Jason Bock:
OK, fine, just let me go! Let me go!

[Bill lets go]

Jason Bock:
Ow, ow, ow, f***! Jesus. You're supposed to be my brother, man!

Bill Truitt:
Hey, I *was* brotherly, man. Think where else you're pierced. Let's go.

Lucia:
Oh, good, it's my delivery from 1-800-PITY.

Dedee Truitt:
Bill's kind of cute. I mean, even though he's old.

Lucia:
He's 35!

Dedee Truitt:
Yeah but he's still kind of cute. Too bad he's a fairy, right?

Lucia:
[huffily] That is not how I would put it.

Dedee Truitt:
Well, then too bad he's however *you'd* put it.

[Narrating at the beginning of the movie]

Dedee Truitt:
My name is Dedee Truitt. I'm sixteen, and this is Creve Coeur, Louisiana... which is French, I think, for like, 'f***ed heart'.

Dedee Truitt:
What'd you think, *I'd* be the dead one? I'm the f***ing narrator, guys! Keep up!

Dedee Truitt:
I know in movies you kind of feel sorry for girls like this, but in real life, you wouldn't be sitting next to her either.

Dedee Truitt:
Les was a real a**hole. To get cancer of the ass was, like, poetic. Almost as good as cancer of the dick, if they have that.

[about Matt's disappearance]

Jason Bock:
For all I know, you killed him.

Bill Truitt:
For all you know, I'm just getting started.

Lucia:
This is about trimesters.

Matt Mateo:
Yeah, I know. I want her to go back to school too.

Dedee:
He was like a blind person you know, they can't see but they hear real well. Matt couldn't think at all, but he looked great.

Bill Truitt:
You're gonna have a baby.

Dedee:
Yeah, lucky me!

Sheriff Carl Tippett:
What's the point of sleeping with you if it doesn't get your attention? If I always come second to Bill?

Lucia:
Excuse me?

Sheriff Carl Tippett:
Say the point of sex isn't recreation or procreation or any of that stuff. Say it's concentration. Say it's supposed to focus your attention on the person you're sleeping with, like biological highlighter. [significant pause] Otherwise, there's just too many people in the world.

Lucia:
So while I'm sleeping with you, I'm not supposed to care about anybody else?

Sheriff Carl Tippett:
Look for me first in any crowded room. And I'll do likewise. [poignant pause] Otherwise, a person ends up sleeping with somebody else. [Looks at her intensely and then sits back and waits]

Lucia:
It's just a habit, thinking about Bill. Because of Tom.

Sheriff Carl Tippett:
I know.

Dedee:
[as Dedee is walking away from Bill's, looking for a ride and stopping under a tree, she narrates:] Seems like everybody's having sex but me. Good for them. It's not that I'm against sex. I mean, it was clever of God or evolution or whatever to hook the survival of the species to it because we're gonna screw around no what. It was a smarter thing to pick than say... the instinct to share your toys or return phone calls. We'd have died out like eons ago. But on the minus side, god... all the *attachment* that goes with it. It's like this net. Sex always ends in kids or disease, or like, you know, relationships. That's exactly what I don't want. I want the opposite of all that. Because it's not worth it, not really, is it? When you think about it?

Dedee:
[cut to montage of memories of heart-warming relationship scenes with Tom, Bill, and Lucia together, then with other cast characters, and ending with one of Dedee and Randy together back in Louisiana. Back to Dedee smoking with narration continuing:] OK, so maybe I'm wrong. Maybe it's not all sh*t. Maybe...

Dedee:
God damn it.

Dedee:
[Frustrated, she sits down on street curb, smoking and thinking. She continues narrating:] I thought the whole idea was I know what happens next. I'll tell you one thing... I'm not gonna go back to Bill's house and be this big changed person for you. I told you right off I don't grow a heart of gold. And if I do, which is, like, *so unlikely*... give me a break and don't make me do it in front of you. Come on, guys, go, okay?

Dedee:
[looking at the camera angrily and violently shooing us away with her left hand] GO!

Dedee:
[fade to black and narration continues:] I'll give you this much, though... I never was the same again after that summer. [credits roll]

Dedee:
If there have to be gay people, at least it's nice there's enough of them to go around.

Dedee:
[discussing Tom's death from AIDS] Did he give it to Bill?

Lucia:
That is none of your business.

Dedee:
Actually it is. I could drink from the wrong cup or something by mistake.

Lucia:
God, what do they teach you in Louisiana?

Lucia:
I don't know. I just don't - I don't get sex.

Bill Truitt:
You should get out more.

Lucia:
I mean, "I don't understand sex." I don't get it. Get it? It seems like a lot of trouble for not much. Am I the only one that thinks this?

Bill Truitt:
I don't think you're the tip of an iceberg, frankly.

Lucia:
I would rather have a backrub, you know. It lasts longer and there's no fluids. You know, what's so great about that? It's like, "Hi! I'd like to blow my nose on your face." I mean, you wouldn't like that, would you?

Bill Truitt:
And after they do it, they never phone you.

Lucia:
Yeah, or a shampoo. You know, just a really great shampoo. That would make sense. If you were chasing this a**hole all around the country because he gave really great shampoos...

Bill Truitt:
It's not just sex, Lucia. I CARE for Matt, alright?

Lucia:
It IS sex, Bill. You just won't admit it. Cuz you wanna be above that. You wanna think that nothing that happened happened because you like sex.

Bill Truitt:
I'm really beat.

Lucia:
You know, sex kills, Bill. You just - you won't accept that. But why do you think there's no more real Hawaiians, huh? And why would they bother coming up with the phrase "died in childbirth" if it only happened one time? It's f***ing dangerous, sex!

Bill Truitt:
Tom didn't die because of sex.

Lucia:
Didn't he? I mean, PC crap aside, didn't sex kill Tom? Huh? I mean, if he just couldn't get enough shampoos or backrubs, wouldn't he still be here today?

Bill Truitt:
You might as well say I killed him.

Lucia:
You didn't give it to him.

Bill Truitt:
No, but some OTHER f*ggot did! Isn't that what you think?

Lucia:
No. What I think is: Fine. Chase this bimbo from Indiana to Chippewa Falls, for all I care. Go ahead. Throw away your reputation, your job, and your students, and whatever because you want Matt. That's - it your RIGHT! Just don't say that it's about love, okay? You're an English teacher. Call things by their right name.