Ted:
[Performing the voice of "Ted", who is digitally-inserted into the broadcast] Boy, this is pretty cool, huh? You and me at the Academy Awards!
Himself - Presenter:
This is insane, dude.
Ted:
Heh, look at all this talent. All this talent in one spot! There's, uh, there's Daniel Day-Lewis... There's Alan Arkin... There's Joaquin Phoenix. And you know what's interesting? All those actors I just named are part-Jewish.
Himself - Presenter:
Oh, okay...
Ted:
What about you? You got a "berg" on the end of your name, are you Jewish?
Himself - Presenter:
Am I Jewish? No, actually I'm Catholic.
Ted:
[Whispering] Uh, wrong answer. Try again!
Himself - Presenter:
What?
Ted:
Look, you wanna work in this town or don't ya?
[speaking aloud to the audience]
Ted:
Uh, that's interesting, uh, Mark, because I am Jewish.
Himself - Presenter:
No you're not!
Ted:
I am! I am! I was born "Theodore Shapiro", and I would like to donate money to Israel and continue to work in Hollywood forever. Thank you, I am Jewish.
Himself - Presenter:
You're an idiot.
Ted:
Oh, well, we'll see who the idiot is when they give me my private plane at the next secret synagogue meeting.
Himself - Presenter:
Look, I'm not doing a sequel with you, okay? And the nominees for Best Sound Editing are:
[Ted reads the nominees]
Himself - Presenter:
And the Oscar goes to...
[opens envelope and looks back up at audience]
Himself - Presenter:
We have a tie... No BS, we have a tie.
[announces the winners]
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