The Oscars2013

Ted:
[Performing the voice of "Ted", who is digitally-inserted into the broadcast] Boy, this is pretty cool, huh? You and me at the Academy Awards!

Himself - Presenter:
This is insane, dude.

Ted:
Heh, look at all this talent. All this talent in one spot! There's, uh, there's Daniel Day-Lewis... There's Alan Arkin... There's Joaquin Phoenix. And you know what's interesting? All those actors I just named are part-Jewish.

Himself - Presenter:
Oh, okay...

Ted:
What about you? You got a "berg" on the end of your name, are you Jewish?

Himself - Presenter:
Am I Jewish? No, actually I'm Catholic.

Ted:
[Whispering] Uh, wrong answer. Try again!

Himself - Presenter:
What?

Ted:
Look, you wanna work in this town or don't ya?

[speaking aloud to the audience]

Ted:
Uh, that's interesting, uh, Mark, because I am Jewish.

Himself - Presenter:
No you're not!

Ted:
I am! I am! I was born "Theodore Shapiro", and I would like to donate money to Israel and continue to work in Hollywood forever. Thank you, I am Jewish.

Himself - Presenter:
You're an idiot.

Ted:
Oh, well, we'll see who the idiot is when they give me my private plane at the next secret synagogue meeting.

Himself - Presenter:
Look, I'm not doing a sequel with you, okay? And the nominees for Best Sound Editing are:

[Ted reads the nominees]

Himself - Presenter:
And the Oscar goes to...

[opens envelope and looks back up at audience]

Himself - Presenter:
We have a tie... No BS, we have a tie.

[announces the winners]