The Parole Officer

Simon Garden:
I saw a man strangle a human being - well, an accountant anyway.

Simon Garden:
I've got to go back.

George:
Never go back.

Simon Garden:
I left the tape.

George:
In that case, go back.

[after seeing Emma in the mirror naked]

Simon Garden:
You've got a lovely little pu... cat

[mis-reading the message painted on the back of the getaway van]

Jeff:
It's get Kirsty in?

Tribunal Chairman:
We talked to your clients, Mr Garden.

Simon Garden:
Yeah, they're good people. I used to say to them: "You're half-way up a mountain. Crime is the easy path to the bottom. Responsibility is the hard path to the top. But when you get there it's a great view. Because in every sinner, there's a..."

Stern Woman:
[interrupting, impatiently] Thank you Mr Garden.

[in the police interview room]

Simon Garden:
[smugly] You can't intimidate me.

Inspector Burton:
Let me give it a shot. If you open your mouth, I won't lay a finger on you. But you'll go to prison. And when those nonces and those perverts get hold of a clever boy like you - and I'll make sure they do - they'll be queueing up round the block. You're going to end up with an arsehole like a clown's pocket.

Simon Garden:
[gulps] That was pretty good.

[at Victor's grave]

Sarah, Victor's Wife:
After he worked with you he tried to give up his life of crime. He channelled his interests into amateur dramatics. One night he sneaked off to do the safe at Jackson's - you know, the food-processing plant? Two days later, one of the machines was playing up. They reckon he must have fallen into the mincer.

All:
Ugh!

Sarah, Victor's Wife:
By that stage the order's already gone out. They tried to recall them, but all they got back was half-a-dozen pies and a couple of pasties.

Simon Garden:
And is that what's... [points at the grave]

Sarah, Victor's Wife:
Yes.

Simon Garden:
What a waste.

[demonstrating a remote-controlled toy fire-engine with a camera on the ladder]

Kirsty:
What is it?

George:
It's a GOTLER.

Kirsty:
A what?

Colin:
A George-operated time-lock equalising robot.

Colin:
What we don't need is a curly headed wanker trying to be Captain Kirk.

Simon Garden:
At least he got things done. Imagine you looking for Spock in Star Trek 4: "Oh, sorry, we couldn't find him".

Colin:
[laughs] That was Star Trek 3. It was called "The Search for Spock"!

[last lines]

Emma:
Is that a gun in your pocket?

Simon Garden:
Uh... no, it's my penis.

Simon Garden:
[Trying to bribe the gunmen on the roof] 'OK, look. Er, in my wallet I've got forty pounds, that's twenty each!' [Sounding to be a great deal and holds the money up enticingly] 'I've also got a cashcard here; the daily limit is two hundred, of which I've withdrawn forty, you've got that.' [Like a gameshow host: 'you're prizes are safe'] 'Now, the pin number; it's the Battle of Hastings... '