The Pentagon Wars

Major General Partridge:
I'm not going to sit here and tell you the Paveway never missed.

Madame Chairwoman:
It missed by a mean distance of five miles, and nearly fifty percent of the time.

Major General Partridge:
You know, in baseball, a guy that hits .400 is considered pretty damned great.

Congressman #1:
In baseball, the losing team isn't killed by their opponents.

Major General Partridge:
We have had some spectacular successes.

Congressman #1:
Such as?

Major General Partridge:
That's classified information!

Caspar Weinberger:
Please be seated. This will be brief, as I'm needed at the Oval Office. I'd like to call your attention to this morning's New York Times. If you'll turn to the editorial page? It essentially says that every weapon we produce is an over-priced piece of junk. Now, that's not news, critics have said it for years. What was news to me touched on our supposedly "spectacular" Sergeant York Anti-Aircraft Gun. It says there that when the Sergeant York proved incapable of hitting airplanes, we test-fired it at hovering helicopters. When it failed to hit hovering helicopters, we test-fired it at stationary targets, and it missed those. Now is this possible, General Keane?

Keane:
There was a problem with the proximity fusing.

Caspar Weinberger:
According to this, one missile locked on to a ventilation fan in the latrine, and destroyed the latrine! Were we test-firing at latrines that day?

[after redesigning the Bradley to carry a gun turret]

Col. Robert Laurel Smith:
That's one hell of a cannon.

Jones:
That's the problem.

Col. Robert Laurel Smith:
What is?

Jones:
You go out on the battlefield with this pecker sticking out of your turret, and the enemy's going to unload on you with everything they got. Might as well put a big red bullseye on the side.

Col. Robert Laurel Smith:
But it's a troop carrier, not a tank.

Jones:
Do you want me to put a sign on it in fifty languages, "I am a troop carrier, not a tank, please don't shoot at me"?

Major General Partridge:
I think if would be simpler for me to clarify a few things right off the bat. By simple definition, we are in the business of winning wars. What else do you need an army for? Take the Cold War. We won, without firing a single shot. Why? One, we just flat-out out-spent them. The Russians couldn't shovel money into the fire faster than we could. Two, and this is where my command comes in, technology. No one shapes nature the way we do. We take atoms and molecules, and by the time we're finished with them, they're everything from combat boots to bombs, the kind of bombs no one from the other side will ever see until the damn thing's plowing down their chimney like Santa Claus from hell!

Major General Partridge:
If the army acted on the advice of every Tom, Dick and Harry who had an opinion on these matters, we'd all end up with a bunch of B-52s powered by outboard motors.

Caspar Weinberger:
Frankly, I don't appreciate calls from reporters and congressmen asking me why nothing we are working on works and I can't answer them because the men in charge of developing these systems tell me everything is just peachy.

Major General Partridge:
But even a heat-seeking missile can miss a target.

Madame Chairwoman:
General, it says here that you taped electric hotplates to the surface of the vehicle to help your heat-seeking missile find its target, and that the surface temperature of the vehicle was so high it could have fried an egg at twenty feet!

Major General Partridge:
The Paveway is one hell of a bomb. Laser-guided, state-of-the-art.

Madame Chairwoman:
And it proved what? That we have an effective weapon as long as the enemy allows us to build a two-story crane over their tanks?

[the generals want to add a rapid-fire cannon to the Bradley]

Jones:
Where am I supposed to put the extra ammo?

Col. Robert Laurel Smith:
I don't know.

Jones:
You've already got 30,000 rounds of machine gun ammunition, now he wants to add 30-millimeter shells?

Col. Robert Laurel Smith:
The general wants his ammo.

Jones:
He can't have his ammo, not unless he runs alongside this thing carrying it.

Col. Robert Laurel Smith:
In summation, what you have before you is...

Sgt. Fanning:
A troop transport that can't carry troops, a reconnaissance vehicle that's too conspicuous to do reconnaissance...

Lt. Colonel James Burton:
And a quasi-tank that has less armor than a snow-blower, but carries enough ammo to take out half of D.C. THIS is what we're building?

Major Sayers:
The Brits did a study on aluminum.

Col. J.D. Bock:
That would be the same aluminum sheathing used on the Bradley, sir.

Major Sayers:
When hit by a shell, it has a tendency to burn, and when it burns it gives off a toxic gas.

Major General Partridge:
Goddamnit! We fought a revolution so we wouldn't have to pay any attention to the f***ing British!

Brig. General Robert Laurel Smith:
Are you out of your mind, Colonel? If the Pentagon had their choice of busting us or nailing a Soviet spy, they would choose us in a heartbeat!

Lt. Colonel James Burton:
Who exactly is "us," General?

Brig. General Robert Laurel Smith:
There are some people who work in the Pentagon who are fed up watching billions of dollars thrown away on defective weapons upon which our troops are supposed to stake their lives. People like you, Colonel. We are the enemy!

Lt. Colonel James Burton:
To whom?

Brig. General Robert Laurel Smith:
To majors who want to be colonels, to colonels who want to be generals, to generals who want that fourth star, you bet we are the enemy! Nobody moves up without getting things done! So what you don't want to be is the one who drops the ball, 'cause if you're the one who drops the ball: no promotion! no star! no cushy job with a contract when you retire!

Lt. Colonel James Burton:
You know what's really ironic? General Omar Bradley was a brilliant tactician, and a great leader. No ego, just did the job. And he always looked out for the morale and safety of his men. And then they go and put his name on THIS thing. Talk about a kick in the ass.

Soldier:
Sir, Major Sayers needs to see you in the library.

Major General Partridge:
Tell Major Sayers I'm busy.

Soldier:
But, sir, he told me to tell you that the little prick ordered tests on the Bradley.

Major General Partridge:
What? I'll have his ass in a sling so fast...

Soldier:
Whose ass, sir, Major Sayers or the little prick?

Congressman #1:
Did you, or did you not confront Colonel Burton at the Pentagon pharmacy and say to him, "If I hear one more word about your - expletive deleted - report, you're gonna be sitting on your brains"?

Major General Partridge:
Does that sound like me, sir?

Major General Partridge:
Just because the tests didn't turn out the way Colonel Burton thought they would, was no reason to suspect there was anything devious going on.

Madame Chairwoman:
I ask you General, filling the fuel tanks with WATER before a test to check the combustibility of those tanks, that wasn't devious?

Major General Partridge:
If the tanks had been filled with fuel, there's a good chance the vehicle would have exploded.

Congressman #1:
Isn't that the point?

Major General Partridge:
If the vehicle had exploded, we wouldn't be able to run additional tests!

Major General Partridge:
All right, let's just make the fuselage in Michigan and the landing gear in Mississippi! Yeah, by all means, let's keep Congressman Groves and his blood-sucking buddies happy!

Major General Partridge:
Every other year, Congress decides we're spending too much money, a bunch of eggheads put their pointy little heads together and come up with a plan. This year it's the Joint Live-Fire Test Program. So now we've got the Army, Navy, Air Force, and Marines doing a circle-jerk over weapons testing, and you get to hold the big dick!

Madame Chairwoman:
Am I to understand you were not in favor of the tests Col. Burton proposed?

Major General Partridge:
Absolutely not.

Madame Chairwoman:
Absolutely not yes or absolutely not no?

Major General Partridge:
Absolutely not absolutely.

Lt. Colonel James Burton:
This is not just a report, it's a deadly weapon.

Sgt. Fanning:
Sir, an M-16 is a deadly weapon. A report is just a pile of paper, unless you're planning to inflict a lot of extremely vicious paper cuts.

Madame Chairwoman:
Seventeen years, and fourteen billion dollars of the taxpayers' money, to design and build one armored vehicle.

[the budget of the entire Bradley project]

Major General Partridge:
Fourteen.

Madame Chairwoman:
Million?

Major General Partridge:
[Under his breath] Billion...

Madame Chairwoman:
What?

Major General Partridge:
Billion.

Madame Chairwoman:
Billion? With a "B"?

Major General Partridge:
With a "B".

[Burton just destroryed a door in a test]

Lt. Colonel James Burton:
I'll buy the army a new goddamn door.

Col. J.D. Bock:
You can't afford a door like that; do you see what it stood up to?

Lt. Colonel James Burton:
Exactly! Some SPITBALL from Romania!

Sgt. Fanning:
[as Burton begins typing] What are you doing now, sir?

Lt. Colonel James Burton:
[smiling] Paper cuts, Fanning. Vicious paper cuts.

Major General Partridge:
[reading] "The characterization noted in your draft, at best represents a serious misunderstanding of my concerns, especially in connection with a vehicle as flawed as the Bradley. As noted in my original report..."

[laughs bitterly]

Major General Partridge:
Jesus Christ! Who did this f***ing thing go to?

Col. J.D. Bock:
The distribution page listed 198 names.

Major General Partridge:
COURT-MARTIAL THE SON OF A B*TCH! LOCK HIM UP NOW!

Col. J.D. Bock:
Uh, we can't.

Major General Partridge:
WE SURE AS HELL CAN!

Major Sayers:
Burton's playing by the rules. His report was classified. He submitted it to you, you revised it, and sent it back to him. He wrote a memo on your revision which, in accordance with regulations, can be given to anyone involved with the Bradley, sir. In this case, 198 people!

Major General Partridge:
[after a shocked pause] I will f***ing kill him... I will filet him... I will draw and quarter him, I'll stick his head in a vice...!

Col. J.D. Bock:
We can't touch him, sir. It's by the book.

Major General Partridge:
Then you go back and find something in the goddamn book that will help me fry the little son of a b*tch!

[Partridge's aide enters]

Major General Partridge:
What?

Partridge's Aide:
Sir, the Washington Post is on the phone.

Col. J.D. Bock:
Wow, that was fast. Leaks usually don't get to them 'til after lunch.

[Dalton opens a shell casing that was in the Bradley during testing]

Lt. Colonel James Burton:
Sand.

Sgt. Benjamn Dalton:
That's correct, sir.

Lt. Colonel James Burton:
Tell me, Sergeant. Has anyone around here ever mentioned the term "court martial" recently?

Sgt. Benjamn Dalton:
No, sir.

Lt. Colonel James Burton:
Really? That's truly amazing, Sergeant. Because here we are, watching water leak out of the gas tanks, and sand spill out of the ammunition, right before test to find out whether the damn thing is safe! And no one mentioned the word "court martial"? Why is that, Sergeant?

Sgt. Benjamn Dalton:
We were under orders, sir.

Lt. Colonel James Burton:
And do you believe that following those orders is conscionable, Sergeant?

Sgt. Benjamn Dalton:
It doesn't matter what I think or do, sir. One way or another, one of you weekend warriors from Washington will always make sure the tests come out the way you want them to.

Lt. Colonel James Burton:
I'm not here to manipulate test results, Sergeant. I'm here to learn the truth.

Sgt. Benjamn Dalton:
The truth? We get a new white knight here every six months, sir, and they all start out like you - big speeches that turn to sh*t until your next promotion comes due, and then it's business as usual.

Lt. Colonel James Burton:
Really? And where did you develop this lousy attitude, Sergeant?

Sgt. Benjamn Dalton:
Right here, sir. Watching guys like you.

Major General Partridge:
[explaining why he was against Burton's tests] I can't order up an unlimited number of Bradleys, just to blow them up! Unless, of course, you're telling me to spend more money, which I can't imagine you are.

Madame Chairwoman:
General, I believe there were attempts to make the Bradley amphibious?

Major General Partridge:
[after a pause] Yes... although how that's relevant in any way, I fail to comprehend...

Madame Chairwoman:
How many Bradleys were lost during that phase, General?

Major General Partridge:
Lost?

Madame Chairwoman:
According to reports, four Bradleys sank during testing.

Major General Partridge:
Well, that's a matter of opinion.

Madame Chairwoman:
It's not "opinion," General. Four-of-them-sank.

Major General Partridge:
...Technically, yes.

Caspar Weinberger:
Why am I learning about these things in the newspaper? It makes me look foolish, and I am not a foolish man!

Caspar Weinberger:
I take it you've read today's Washington Post, referring to, quote, a "high-ranking Pentagon source"?

Major General Partridge:
Yes, indeed. And, like you, I am shocked that any officer within the Pentagon would...

Caspar Weinberger:
Leaks within the Pentagon, General, are how I get most of my information.

Major General Partridge:
Mr. Secretary, are you suggesting that the Pentagon has been less than forthcoming?

Caspar Weinberger:
"Less than forthcoming"? Then perhaps you can explain to me why I have to learn from the press, that the man in charge of testing the Bradley Fighting Vehicle has been fired!

Major General Partridge:
That's one way of looking at it.

Caspar Weinberger:
[Weinberger's phone buzzes] Yes?

Weinberger's Aide:
Congressman Stratton is on the phone.

Caspar Weinberger:
[picks up] Sam, what can I do for you? What article? Oh, that article! Yes... no, completely untrue, of course. File it under "creative journalism." I'm looking into it now, you'll be the first to know. Right... right. My best to Ellen. [hangs up] General, I want a full update on the Bradley, and I want it in writing.

Major General Partridge:
Right away, sir.

Caspar Weinberger:
[points angrily at the phone] *That* is the *last* call I expect to receive on this matter! From Congressman Stratton, or from anyone else on the Hill. Do I make myself clear, General?

Major General Partridge:
[smiling nervously] Perfectly.