The Phil Silvers Show

MSgt. Ernest G. Bilko:
You said "but". I've put the finger on the whole problem. You're a "but" man. Don't say "but". That little word "but" is the difference between success and failure.

Mrs. Emma Ritzik:
[to Rupert] If Bilko says you were born in Singapore, you were born in Singapore.

MSgt. Rupert Ritzik:
[enters the barracks carrying flowers and candy] Hi'ya, boys.

MSgt. Ernest G. Bilko:
Well, it's mess sergeant Ritzik. Flowers and candy for me? Oh, you shouldn't have.

MSgt. Rupert Ritzik:
No, it's for Emma. Today's our anniversary.

MSgt. Francis Grover:
No kiddin'?

MSgt. Rupert Ritzik:
Yep - fifteenth anniversary.

MSgt. Ernest G. Bilko:
How's it feel to be married fifteen years?

MSgt. Rupert Ritzik:
Well, the truth of the matter is, I consider myself lucky.

MSgt. Ernest G. Bilko:
Lucky?

MSgt. Rupert Ritzik:
Yeah - lucky I'm not married twenty years.

[Bilko is nervous because the military brass keep carrying his fabrics here and there]

MSgt. Ernest G. Bilko:
I see you want to test the actual closet conditions.

[Col. Hall does not believe Bilko's reason why he and four of his men are in sickbay]

Col. John T. Hall:
You mean, you all just happened to get indigestion together?

MSgt. Ernest G. Bilko:
You see, sir, we believe it's Sgt. Ritzik's fault, sir. Last night he served us veal rag?, and I think he put too much rag and not enough goo in it, sir.

[in a back room poker game, using freshly baked cookies fashioned into playing cards]

MSgt. Rupert Ritzik:
What a crummy hand.

Captain Barker:
It's been nerve-wracking, Doctor. Bilko's incessant demands, his constant conniving - I don't think he ever sleeps! I've been getting round-the-clock aggravation!

Captain Masters, MD:
Captain Barker, just take one of these tranquilizers every three hours.

Captain Barker:
Do you think they'll help, Doctor?

Captain Masters, MD:
I think so. Of course, they'd help a great deal more, if you could get Bilko to take them.

Col. John T. Hall:
[furious after uncovering Bilko's latest con] All my life, I've dreamt of becoming General Hall. In two days, you've become General Motors!

MSgt. Ernest G. 'Ernie' Bilko:
Gentlemen, if we were celebrating just another holiday I would say so what. But need I remind you we are celebrating Don Ameche's birthday! Now let's get those tickets moving.

MSgt. Ernest G. 'Ernie' Bilko:
All the money I make on these dances I lose on the horses. I'm a None Profit Organisation!

Eliott:
[reading Bilko's returns] On June 12, Benedict Arnold's birthday he ran a 'Forgive and Forget' dance!

MSgt. Ernest G. 'Ernie' Bilko:
What's your stance on socialized medicine, Captain?

Yogi 'Ashley' Berra:
Arrivederci! Ya'all!

MSgt. Ernest G. Bilko:
Blood is thicker than red tape.

[Harry, the chimp, is being defended by Bilko at his court martial trial]

Col. John T. Hall:
Bilko, this time, I think you've gone too far!

MSgt. Ernest G. Bilko:
Sir, I hate to give this trouble to the court...

Pvt. Harry Speakup:
[abruptly leaves defense table and scampers to another table and picks up a telephone]

MSgt. Ernest G. Bilko:
[ad-libbing] Just a minute, sir. I think he's calling for another lawyer.

Master Sergeant Ernie Bilko:
Now, men, when you play cards with me, you don't lose money - you learn a trade.

Captain Whitney:
[trying to solve Fort Baxter's gambling problem] Colonel, have you a woodworking shop on the post?

Col. John T. Hall:
We had one. The men worked like beavers for one week.

Captain Whitney:
Really? What did they build?

Col. John T. Hall:
A crap table.

[series last lines]

MSgt. Ernest G. Bilko:
That's all, folks!