The Producers

Max:
I was a protege of the great Boris Tomashevsky. He taught me everything I know. I'll never forget, he turned to me on his death bed and said: "Maxella, alle menschen muss zu machen, jeden tug a gentzen kachen!"

Nun:
What does that mean?

Max:
Who knows, I don't speak Yiddish. Strangely enough, neither did he. But in my heart, I knew what he was saying. He was saying when you're down and out and everybody thinks you're finished, that's the time to stand up on your two feet and shout: "Who do you have to f*** to get a break in this stinking town?"

Max:
Do you know who I am?

Leo:
You are Max Bialystock, King of BROADWAY!

Max:
No, I am Max Bialystock - that's right!

Max:
Whatta ya say, Bloom?

Leo: [sung] What do I say? Finally a chance to be a Broadway producer! What do I say? Finally a chance to make my dreams come true, sir! What do I say? What do I say? Here's what I say to you, sir... I can't do it!

Leo:
I'm a fountain?

Max:
[yelling] Yes, you're a fountain!

Max:
The two cardinal rules of producing are one: Never put your own money in the show.

Leo:
And two?

Max:
[yelling] Never put your own money in the show!

Leo and Max:
We can do it! We can do it!

Max:
Every show I touch I doom!

Leo and Max:
We were fated, To be mated, We're Bialystock and Bloom!

Carmen Ghia:
He's having a stroke.

Max:
What?!

Carmen Ghia:
Of genius!!

Franz Liebkind:
[Making Max and Leo take the Siegfried Oath] Raise Your right forefingers! I solemnly svear...

Leo and Max:
[holding up their right forefingers] I solemnly svear...

Franz Liebkind:
To obey ze Zacred Siegfried Oas...

Leo and Max:
To obey the Sacred Siegfried Oath...

Franz Liebkind:
Und!

Max:
[Switching to his middle finger] Und!

Leo:
[Switching to his middle finger] Und!

Franz Liebkind:
[Wagging his finger] Never, Never, Never!

Leo and Max:
[Flipping Franz off] Never, Never, Never.

Franz Liebkind:
Dishoner ze spirit und ze memory of Adolf Elizabeth Hitler.

Leo and Max:
Dishonor the spirit and the... Elizabeth?

Franz Liebkind:
Jah. Dat vas his middle name. Not many people know it, but der Führer vas descended from a long line of English qveens.

[long pause]

Max:
Is that right?

Leo and Max:
[shrugging] Adolf ELIZABETH Hitler.

Franz Liebkind:
You know, not many people know zis, but der Führer was a terrific dancer.

Max:
Really? Gee, we didn't know that, did we, Leo?

Leo:
No, we sure didn't.

Franz Liebkind:
THAT'S BECAUSE YOU WERE TAKEN IN BY THE BBC! Filthy British lies! But did they ever say a bad word about Winston Churchill? CHURCHILL! With his cigars, and his brandy, and his ROTTEN paintings! ROTTEN! Hitler, there was a painter! He could paint an entire apartment in one afternoon! Two coats!

Roger De Bris:
[wearing a dress] I am going to the choreographers' ball this evening. There is a prize for best costume.

Carmen Ghia:
We always win.

Roger De Bris:
I am not so sure about this year. I am supposed to be the Grand Dutchess Anastasia, but I think I look more like the Chrysler Building.

Carmen Ghia:
Well, as far as I'm concerned, without your wig on, you're only half dressed.

Roger De Bris:
Well then, why don't you go and get it, o wicked witch of the west?

Carmen Ghia:
If your intention was to shoot an arrow through my heart . . . Bullseye!

Max:
Listen Roger, did you get a chance yet to read "Springtime for Hitler?"

Roger De Bris:
Read it? I devoured it! It's loaded with historical goodies. I for one, for instance, never realized that the Third Reich meant Germany.

Max:
Yeah, how 'bout that? Then you'll do it?

Roger De Bris:
Do it? Of course not.

[Music starts]

Roger De Bris: [sung] The theatre's so obsessed With dramas so depressed It's hard to sell a ticket on Broadway Shows should be more pretty Shows should be more witty Shows should be more...

Roger De Bris:
[spoken] What's the word?

Leo:
Gay?

Roger De Bris:
Exactly!

Donald Dinsmore:
I would like to sing "The little wooden boy. "

[the song intro plays as Donald dances. Just before he is about to open his mouth...]

Roger De Bris:
NEXT!

Leo:
Actors aren't animals! They're human beings!

Max:
Have you ever eaten with one?

Leo:
What's your name?

Ulla:
Ulla Inga Hansen Bensen Yansen Tallen Hallen Svadon Swanson.

Max:
What's your first name?

Ulla:
That was my first name. Would you like to know my last name?

Max:
We don't have the time.

Ulla:
Would you like Ulla make audition?

Leo:
That won't be nece-

Max:
Yes, it is nessa! Extremely nessa!

Leo:
[to Ulla] We might have a position for you.

Max:
Actually, we might have several positions for you.

Leo:
So what time can you get here?

Ulla:
Well, Ulla wake up every morning at five AM. From five to seven, Ulla exercise. From seven to eight Ulla like to take long shower. From eight to nine Ulla eat big Swedish breakfast. Many different herrings. From nine to eleven, Ulla practice her singing und her dancing. And at eleven, Ulla like to have sex. So, what time should Ulla get here?

Leo and Max:
Eleven.

Ulla:
Good! Ulla will come at eleven!

Max:
[holding his head in his hands] Ulla will come at eleven...

Ulla:
Gut dog me venen!

Leo and Max:
God dag minen venena... ninna...

Ulla:
God bless America!

[Ulla leaves]

Max:
God bless Sweden!

Leo:
Max, I think we're getting in too deep.

Max:
Too deep? This is nothing. I'll tell you when we're getting in too deep.

Carmen Ghia:
Hello, the living room of renowned theatrical director Roger De Bris' elegant Upper East Side townhouse on a sunny Tuesday afternoon in June. Whom may I say is calling? Listen, you broken down old queen. He was drunk, he was hot, you got lucky! Don't ever call here again!

Roger De Bris:
Who was that?

Carmen Ghia:
Wrong number!

Leo, Max, Carmen Ghia, Roger De Bris:
Break a leg!

[CRASH!]

Max:
Franz, what happened?

Franz Liebkind:
I broke my leg!

Leo:
[Screams hysterically]

[Max runs over and splashes Leo with a glass of water]

Leo:
I'M WET! I'M WET! I'M HYSTERICAL AND I'M WET!

[Max slaps Leo]

Leo:
[Pauses] I'M IN PAIN! I'M WET AND IN PAIN! AND I'M STILL HYSTERICAL [Babbles]

Max:
What can I do? You're making me hysterical

Leo:
Get away, you're too close, you frighten me!

Max:
I frighten you?!

Leo:
Get down over there, sit over there!

Max:
I'm sitting! I'm sitting!

Leo:
[Flinches] You still look angry!

Max:
I'm sorry, is this better? [Grins goofily] [In a childish, patronizing voice] Who's my little accountant? Who's my little accountant? Are you my little accountant? Yes you are!

Leo:
[Now calm] Thank you for smiling, that helped a great deal!

Carmen:
I'll take your coats, and hats...and your swastikas.

Max:
Sorry. Just came from a big rally, everyone was wearing one.

Max (to Leo):
You didn't tell me we were still wearing them!

Leo:
I didn't notice.

Franz Liebkind:
[furiously barges in waving a gun around] You have broken ze Siegfried Oas! YOU MUST DIE! YOU ALL MUST DIE!!!

[Everyone panics and hides as Franz attempts to shoot them]

Roger De Bris:
What are you doing, you neo-Nazi nitwit? Your show's a hit!

Franz Liebkind:
Who cares?!? You made a fool out of Hitler!

Carmen Ghia, Roger De Bris:
He didn't need our help.

Roger De Bris:
This crazy Kraut is crackers! He crashed in here and crassly tried to kill us!

Carmen Ghia:
Oh, Roger, what alliteration.

Roger De Bris:
Thank you, darling.

[With one leg already broken Franz Liebkind falls down the stairs]

Officer O'Rourke:
[Calling down the stairs] What happened?

Franz Liebkind:
I broke my other leg!

Max Bialystock:
[To Leo] Well, you know what they say: "smile and the world smiles with you." [to bust] This man should be in a straightjacket!

Max Bialystock:
There's a lot more to you than there is to you! [mouthed] What the f***?

Max Bialystock:
Dear Lord... I want that money!

Max Bialystock:
Please make audition - make audition allll over the office.

Max Bialystock:
[to Ulla] Even though we're sitting down, we're giving you a standing ovation.

Max Bialystock:
Hold me touch me, where is hold me touch me...Hold me touch me, Hold me touch me... Kiss me feel me, Lick me bite me, Yank me spank me, Suck me fu... ah! Hold me touch me!

Max Bialystock:
[reading a play] As Gregor Samsa woke one morning from uneasy dreams he found himself transformed in his bed into a giant cock-a-roach. [speaking] Nah, too good.

Max Bialystock:
[holding play] Smell it. Touch it. Kiss it. Kiss it! It's the mother lode...

Max Bialystock:
I'll send you to the moon Thursday. I may even join you.

Max Bialystock:
Shut up! I'm having a rhetorical conversation!

Max Bialystock:
For once, I would love to see someone on that couch who's under eighty-five!

Max Bialystock:
[After Ulla has painted the entire room white, he goes to the safe with the tax books] ...She painted over the numbers...

Max Bialystock:
[after seeing Franz perform at the auditions] THAT'S OUR HITLER!

Max Bialystock:
Let's get out of here before they kill us.

Max Bialystock:
We got the wrong play, the wrong director, the wrong cast. Where did we go right?

Max Bialystock:
Leo, you are nervous, over-stimulated. GIVE ME THOSE FRIGGIN' BOOKS!

Max Bialystock:
What are you shooting at us for, you teutonic TWIT?!

Max Bialystock:
[with a very high Irish accent] And now I'll be on me way, before me voice gets any higher! As we say in the old country... [normal voice] TAXI!

Max Bialystock:
[reading a postcard] Dear Max, Rio is everything you said it was and more. Ulla and i think of you every chance we get. In the morning, when we have Breakfast on our Terrace, many different Herrings. In the afternoon, we rub each other's sun-drenched bodies with Banana Cream Coconut Oil, Number 15. And then, in the evening, when we samba together in the moonlight.... Sorry, must run, Ulla's waiting. It's almost 11, wish you were here. Your pal, Leo!

Max Bialystock:
I'm drowning here! I'm going down for the last time! I... I... I see my whole life flashing before my eyes! I see a weathered old farmhouse... With a white picket fence... I'm running through fields of alfalfa with my collie, Rex. No Rex, not on the alfalfa! And I see my mother... I see Mama, standing on the back porch, in a worn but clean gingham gown... And I hear my mama calling out to me..."Alvin, don't forget your chores! The wood needs a-cordin' and the cows need a-milkin'! Alvin! Alvin!"... Wait a minute. My name's not Alvin. That's not my life. Someone else's life is flashing before my eyes... WHAT THE HELL IS THAT ABOUT?! I'm not a hillbilly, I grew up in the Bronx! Leo's taken everything... even my past!

Max Bialystock:
[to a prisoner in Sing Sing] What are you in for, lack of rhythm?

Leo Bloom:
And what a day! In the same day I have taken the Siegfried oath, I've danced with a cop, a sailor and an extremely friendly Cherokee Indian.

Leo Bloom:
When's it gonna be Bloomsday?

Leo Bloom:
I want everything I've ever seen in the movies!

Leo Bloom:
[Going hysterical, and pointing at Bialystock] FAT! FAT! FAT-FAT-FATTY-FAT!!!

Leo Bloom:
Mr. Bialystock, I'm afraid you've made a terrible error in judgement. You've mistaken me for someone with a spine.

Leo Bloom:
Stop the world! I wanna get on!

Leo Bloom:
I'm not going into the toilet! I'm going into show business!

Leo Bloom:
You were right about one thing. You are a CPA - a certified public a**hole!

Leo Bloom:
MY BLUE BLANKET! GIVE ME BACK MY BLUE BLANKET!! AAAAARGH!

Leo Bloom:
[Hysterical, as Bialystock is standing over him] You're gonna jump on me! You're gonna jump on me! I know you're gonna jump on me and squash me like a bug! PLEASE DON'T JUMP ON ME! [Max jumps in place, screaming "I'm not gonna jump on you - get a hold of yourself!]

Franz Liebkind:
Broadway! I haven't been zis happy since we crushed Poland!

Franz Liebkind:
Stop moving! How can I shoot you if you keep moving?!

Franz Liebkind:
Zis is no good! I'm not killing anyone!

Franz Liebkind:
[Finding Max and Leo under a desk] You sniveling cowards! Cringing under a desk. Clinging on for life like baby butterflies! I am going to show you how to die like a man! [points gun at self, attempts to shoot three times but is unsuccessful] Boy, when things go wrong. [throws gun on couch, shot fires]

Franz Liebkind:
Hilda, where are you going? Argentina's that way!

Franz Liebkind:
I was never a member of the Nazi Party! I only followed orders! I had nothing to do with the war! I didn't even know there was a war on! We lived at the back, near Switzerland. All we heard was yodeling... yodel le he hoo! Hoo hoo hoo hoo hoo, Yodelay, Yodelay, Yodelay - WHO ARE YOU!?!

Franz Liebkind:
I must tell my birds!

Franz Liebkind:
Zis man could never play Adolf Hitler! Ze Führer wasn't a mousy little mama's boy! Ze Führer was BUTCH! And zat is not how you sing 'Haben Sie gehört das Deutsche band'! Zis is how you sing 'Haben Sie gehört das Deutsche band'!

Franz Liebkind:
AQAP! [pause] As kvick as possible!

Franz Liebkind:
Not many people know zis, but ze Führer was descended from a long line of English kveens.

Franz Liebkind:
Not many people know zis, but ze Führer was a terrific dancer.

Franz Liebkind:
Gott in Himmel!

Franz Liebkind:
[Whispered at the end of the credits] Don't forget to buy... Mein Kampf... in paperback... available near you... at Border's Books... or Barnes & Noble... und Amazon.com... guten tag.

Roger de Bris:
I shall have to think about it - I'll do it.

Roger de Bris:
[signing his name] Roger Elizabeth DeBris!

Roger de Bris:
Quick darling, back in the closet!

Roger de Bris:
You mean that smell is you? Oh GOD. If I could bottle you, I'd shove you under my armpits every day.

Roger de Bris:
Of course that whole second act has to be rewritten. They're losing the war? Excuse me? It's too downbeat!

Roger de Bris:
[singing] Keep it happy, keep it snappy, keep it gay!

Roger de Bris: [sung as Hitler] I was just a paper hanger no one more obscurer. Got a phone call from the Reichstag told me I was Führer. Germany was blue What, oh, what to do? Hitched up my pants and conquered France. Now Deutschland's smiling through! It ain't no mystery if it's politics or history. The thing you've got to know is everything is showbiz!

Roger de Bris:
[singing] I see a line of beautiful girls dressed as stormtroopers each one a gem. With leather boots and whips on their hips. It's risque, dare I say, S&M! I see German soldiers dancing through France played by chorus boys in very tight pants. And wait there's more! THEY WIN THE WAR! And the dances they do will be daring and new. Turn turn kick turn, turn turn kick turn, one two three kick turn! Keep it sassy, keep it classy, keep it gay.

Roger de Bris:
[sung] I'm the German Ethel Merman don't cha know?!

Roger de Bris:
Carmen,call in a singing Hitler,please.

Carmen Ghia:
And so the rule is, when mounting a... play. Keep it sunny, keep it funny, keep it gay.

Carmen Ghia:
Roger, We're not alone...

Carmen Ghia:
May I take your hats, your coats, and your Swastikas?

Carmen Ghia: [When he answers the door] Yessssssssssssssssssssssssssssss...ssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss? Max: I- Carmen Ghia: Ssssssss?

Carmen Ghia:
If your intention was to shoot an arrow through my heart...Bullseye!

Carmen Ghia:
Yes darling... Roger.

Ulla:
[sung] Violinists love to play an E-string, but audiences really love a G-string!

Ulla:
Secretary-slash-receptionist? Okie-slash-dokie!

Ulla:
Why Bloom go so far camera right?

Brazilian Samba Performer:
[Sung] You'll find your happiness in Rio! The beaches there are strewn with pearls! The latin breezes always blow there! And so, we hear, do the girls!

Sing Sing Prison Guard:
Gentlemen, you are hereby granted a full pardon for having - through song and dance - brought joy and laughter into the hearts of every murderer, rapist, and sex maniac in Sing Sing! You're free!

Stormtrooper "Mel":
Don't be stupid, be a smartie. Come and join the Nazi Party.

Mr. Marks:
Do I smell the revolting stench of self-esteem?

Stormtrooper "Rolf":
I was born in Düsseldorf, and that is why they call me Rolf.