The Professionals

[scene-setting voiceover from Season 1 opening titles]

George Cowley:
Anarchy, acts of terror, crimes against the public. To combat it I've got special men - experts from the army, the police, from every service - these are The Professionals.

[Bodie and Doyle have been stopped for speeding]

Policeman:
Good morning, Flash Gordon. I make it 65 but I'm not vindictive, so I'm going to call it 65.

[Cowley is displeased that Bodie and Doyle are late after being stopped for speeding]

Doyle:
What's he been eating? Razor blades?

Bodie:
Yeah - all the better to bite your head off with, my dear!

Gerda Helm:
Bodie and Doyle.

Doyle:
Yeah, that's right.

Gerda Helm:
Which is which?

Bodie:
Bodie's the incredibly handsome one.

Gerda Helm:
That still doesn't tell me which is which.

Stuart:
You work with Bodie most times, right?

Doyle:
Yeah.

Stuart:
I heard he can be a right pain...

Doyle:
Bodie's all right.

Stuart:
I was just testing. Loyalty's a very rare commodity these days. If we get into a situation, I like to be sure of my backup.

Doyle:
I'll be there.

Stuart:
Yeah, you're okay, Doyle. Your mouth flaps a bit too much, but you're okay.

Doyle:
Your clutch is slipping.

Ruth, CI5 Girl:
My clutch or my touch?

Doyle:
All we need is the time and the place

Ruth, CI5 Girl:
You're as bad as Bodie.

Doyle:
Ah, now be fair. Nobody's as bad as Bodie.

William Andrew Philip Bodie:
Ah, seven little dwarfs sitting in a bath all feeling Happy. Happy got out, they all felt Grumpy.

[Kathie Mason's husband Preston has lured Doyle to waste ground to shoot him. Kathie is refusing to tell Bodie and Cowley where he is.]

Bodie:
You set Ray up! She set us up from the start! He didn't even have to follow us, did he? You knew *exactly* where we were gonna be. And you know exactly where he is now.

Bodie:
[menacingly, while tenderly stroking Kathie's hair] You'd better tell me, my lovely. Because if anything happens to Ray, I'm gonna find your sadistic boyfriend...

Kathie Mason:
Husband.

Bodie:
... And kill him. Very slowly. And then to save you the pleasure of spending the rest of your miserable life in jail, I'm going to do the same to you. Great joy.

Kathie Mason:
Did you hear that, Mr. Cowley?

George Cowley:
I never heard a word, Miss Mason. Not a single word.

Bodie:
His eyesight's not very good, either.

George Cowley:
[a soldier is picking his way gingerly across scaffolding, evading a party of men in camouflage fatigues who are beating the bushes in the garden below for him. Cowley sees him, aims through the scope of his AR-10 rifle. He shines a red dot from the large laser pointer mounted beneath the barrel and tracks it up the scaffolding until it is zeroed on the soldier's body. Cowley moves the dot upwards and waves it across the soldier's face, stunning and temporarily blinding him, forcing him to fall into a pool in the garden below. The other soldiers crowd around the pool and drag him out. Cowley looks rather pleased with himself] Droppy.

Bodie:
Poor bastard was nearly a mile away. On a different course.

George Cowley:
His mistake, assuming the only enemy is the one you can see. [Hefts the rifle in his hands] Laser lock sight. [Hands it to Doyle] . Try it. [Doyle takes it from him]

Doyle:
[Doyle readies the rifle and points it down range. A popup silhouette target of an armed man with glasses jumps up. Doyle points the laser sight at it and fires two aimed shots at its head, quickly followed by a burst of fire at its torso. All the shots hit] *Whistles* [Doyle then fires a series of bursts at a string of other popup targets at varying ranges. Finished, Doyle holds the rifle muzzle up and ejects the spent magazine]

George Cowley:
Ah, very impressive. [Turns to walk away]

Doyle:
Couldn't miss.

Bodie:
[Looking at the targets] Nobody could.

Doyle:
Thanks...

Bodie:
[Cuts Doyle off] Not with a thing like that.

Doyle:
...Friend.

Bodie:
[Petulantly] Hey, don't I get a go?

George Cowley:
[Firmly] It's not a toy, Bodie.

Bodie:
[Chastened] No, sir.

Minister:
I can't have you going over my head, George... then you'd *really* think you were God!

Minister:
A city sewn up tight but safely... a city where hooligans are kept in check and suspicious characters are forced to move on. For God's sake, George, to most law-abiding citizens it sounds like Utopia!

George Cowley:
Aye... That's what they thought about Hitler's Germany!

[the draconian regime instigated by Chief Constable Green has just been toppled]

Chief Constable Green:
It was Chives. He took it upon himself. Overstepped his authority.

George Cowley:
Chives was a runaway truck, careering downhill, running over the guilty *and* the innocent. A runaway truck. But *you* released the handbrake.

Chief Constable Green:
[horrified] George!

George Cowley:
[snarling] The name is Cowley! *Mister* Cowley! I don't know what we'll be able to make stick against you, Green, but I do know that whatever the outcome, you'll never have authority again. Not even to see kids across the road.

Chief Constable Green:
[plaintively] My motives - what I did - I thought was in the public interest.

George Cowley:
Aye. That's the tragedy.

[Sam Armitage brings his snarling Doberman into the Sangster Arms pub and threatens Bodie and the landlady]

Bodie:
Would your little dog like to chew this electric fire? Or maybe you'll just leave, like the lady says.

Sam Armitage:
[threateningly] I'll remember your face.

Bodie:
I'll try to forget yours.

[a black couple are being evicted from their home in broad daylight. A man called Dinny is chucking their belongings and possessions into the street, while a crowd of people watch. A black lawyer called Zadie pulls up in a car, steps out, walks towards Dinny and orders him to stop]

Zadie:
Now put all this back at once!

[Dinny squares up to the lawyer]

Dinny:
You wanna mix it with me, n*gger?

Zadie:
The term "n*gger" does not offend me. A corruption of Negro - and I am certainly that. And I've already mixed it with you. With something more powerful than my fist - the law. Now, take all these back and later we'll itemise the breakages and you can pay for them.

[Dinny raises his hand, ready to hit Zadie]

Zadie:
I'd like you to hit me. I already have you for harassment. I'd like to add assault to that, I really would.

[Zadie turns his attention to the husband of the couple who are being evicted]

Zadie:
You did the right thing calling me, Mr Culver. Don't worry - everything's going to be all right from now on.

[Zadie turns round and walks back to his car. Dinny spits at the spot where Zadie was stood]

[Zadie has had a burning cross put in his garden at his home and has been attacked by men dressed in Ku Klux Klan robes after his intervention at the Culver's place earlier when the black couple were being evicted. CI5 are handling the investigation:
Cowley is briefing Bodie and Doyle on what he wants them to do]

George Cowley:
I don't like it! I hate it! I revile it!

Doyle:
It's still police business, Sir.

George Cowley:
Not any more. I'm making it *our* business, *my* business.

Bodie:
That's over-reacting a bit, isn't it? I mean after all, all they did was plant a cross in a spade's garden.

George Cowley:
Bodie, you're taller than me, you're bigger. But if you ever use that word again in this office, you'll find out that you're not tougher. All right, so I'm over-reacting, but I've seen and fought prejudice of one kind or another all my life, and I intend to keep on fighting it. Yes, I'm over-reacting, all right, but by God, somebody's got to! Me, you, all of us. Any questions, Bodie?

Bodie:
No, Sir.

George Cowley:
They lit a torch last night, a small one. But fire spreads, fast! That's why this is a CI5 job, we're the firefighters. Now get to it and stamp it out!

[a black man called Arty was pushed off the roof of his flat by the same people, wearing Ku Klux Klan robes, who put the burning cross in Zadie's garden and beat him up. Bodie goes looking for Arty's business partner, a kid called Tommy who worked with Arty, and eventually finds him. Tommy is hanging around with some black men doing a spot of gambling in the room below the abandoned water tower. Bodie tries to question Tommy, but the kid elbows Bodie in the stomach and legs it. Before Bodie can go after Tommy, the group of black men who were with Tommy stab Bodie once in the back and then in the stomach. Bodie radios for help. The scene changes to an ambulance, screaming into the grounds of the local hospital. Inside the hospital Doyle is walking alongside a nurse and a hospital porter who's pushing the stretcher that Bodie's on along a corridor. There are tears in Doyle's eyes]

Doyle:
Oh, Bodie, you half-Irish son of a b*tch, what do you want to go and do that for?

Bodie:
Ray.

Doyle:
What?

Bodie:
Tell Cowley a couple of spades did this. Two big black spades.

George Cowley:
[talking about Lawson's campaign to restore Britishness to the country] He wants the National Anthem played on Radio Two... on the hour, every hour... forever!

[Lawson is having a drink with Tug and Len in the pub]

Lt. Col. Peter Lawson:
Shall I show you what's wrong with this country?

[Lawson stands to attention and sings the first two verses of "God Save the Queen" very loudly; all the other pub customers give him puzzled looks]

Lt. Col. Peter Lawson:
[shouts] There you are! You see what's wrong? They don't stand! It's their own National Anthem, and not one of them stood! What we're going to fight for is this country's soul.

[Bodie and Doyle are acting as bodyguards for Annie Irving; she has hinted that she and Cowley used to be very close.]

Bodie:
[chuckling] I was just thinking: Cowley and a woman!

Doyle:
Yeah - he'd kick the door down... throw her on the bed...

Bodie:
...and frisk her!!

[they both laugh]

William Andrew Philip Bodie:
Then it's up to the pearly gates. And then, Paradise... Or maybe not.

Raymond Doyle:
Eh?

William Andrew Philip Bodie:
You never thought of that, did you?

Raymond Doyle:
Thought of what?

William Andrew Philip Bodie:
You know Cowley punches the Bible. Reads the lesson.

Raymond Doyle:
Yeah. So?

William Andrew Philip Bodie:
Well, he's not even on standby, mate. He's got a fully paid-up reserved ticket. And he'll be up there with you. [laughs] Where's your Paradise now, eh? Luckily, I'm going the other way.

William Andrew Philip Bodie:
I believe in *me*. Because I was born tall, dark and beautiful... and engagingly modest, of course!

[Doyle picks up a rabbit from under the picnic table]

Raymond Doyle:
Look at that.

William Andrew Philip Bodie:
What, you got a top hat down there or something?

Raymond Doyle:
He's a nice little chap, isn't he?

William Andrew Philip Bodie:
Yeah. Looks a bit like you.

Raymond Doyle:
Hair's the right colour.

William Andrew Philip Bodie:
And the eyes.

William Andrew Philip Bodie:
They fed 'em on tarantula legs for three weeks. Right? That failed. So then they tried a diet of twenty-four-hour, non-stop, pop music.

Raymond Doyle:
To a cageful of rats?

William Andrew Philip Bodie:
Yeah. There was rock, disco, punk. You know, the whole hit parade.

Raymond Doyle:
Then what happened?

William Andrew Philip Bodie:
They all went gay.

Raymond Doyle:
[laughs] A cageful of gay rats?

William Andrew Philip Bodie:
It's straight, honest. You don't believe me, do you?

Raymond Doyle:
No, are you kidding?

William Andrew Philip Bodie:
That's a fact. Honest. Queer as a three-pound note.

[Doyle breaks the news that Cookie has been killed]

June Cook:
No, no I don't believe it...

Raymond Doyle:
Listen...

June Cook:
[getting hysterical] I don't want to listen, don't tell me, go away, it isn't true, I don't want to know! *Get off!* It was you - you talked him into it: 'More money, more chances'. It's all right for you - you haven't got anyone: no kids, no wife. You can go on playing cowboys for the rest of your bloody miserable, selfish life!

[Doyle looks embarrassed because he has no answer to this]

[Cowley has accused the Minister of corruption and withholding details of a murder. The Minister believes that he immune from the law]

Minister:
[unconcerned] What do you suggest I do?

George Cowley:
Resign. But we live in a world without much honour, where politicians hang onto office like dirty glue, so I don't suppose you will - blame is for others.

William Andrew Philip Bodie:
Well it's a simple thing, isn't it? Just call up the radio room.

Raymond Doyle:
And what would you say with a rifle pressed against your head?

William Andrew Philip Bodie:
...

Raymond Doyle:
Yeah, apart from that.

CID Sergeant:
You CI5 boys think you're the cat's whiskers, don't you?

William Andrew Philip Bodie:
Well at least we're at the right end of the cat.

Billy Turner:
I want a lawyer.

William Andrew Philip Bodie:
Why - you want to make a will?

Ted Miller:
[before jumping out of the window] The sky's very big.

[Barry Martin is training Bodie and Doyle in unarmed combat; he has just thrown them several feet in the air and sent them sprawling]

Bodie:
[out of breath] We take him this time.

Doyle:
We take him.

[they both attack him but he easily throws them to the floor]

Barry Martin:
You know what what's the matter with you two, don't you?

Bodie:
Yeah, we're outnumbered.

Doyle:
You know your trouble? You eat too much.

Bodie:
I always leave the table wanting.

Doyle:
Yeah and you go back and 'ave it!

[to Bodie]

Doyle:
Never use ingenuity when brute force and ignorance will suffice. It only saps the brain cells... and you need to save all of yours!

Ferris:
Where are you taking me?

Doyle:
Don't worry... it's soundproof.

Ferris:
[to Cowley] What does he mean 'soundproof'?

George Cowley:
[straight-faced] He means... nobody will hear your screams.

George Cowley:
[to Doyle] OK, get on with it.

Ferris:
What's he doing?

George Cowley:
Filling a bath... or, at least, half-filling it: we don't want to make a mess.

[Doyle picks up the telephone]

Doyle:
Send Sparks down with his box of tricks.

Ferris:
[terrified] What are you going to do?

[Doyle puts on industrial rubber gloves]

Doyle:
Give you a bit of a shock. Might jog your memory.

Bodie:
Hey, why don't we just, uh, run everybody in?

Doyle:
And give Cowley a late night questioning them all?

Bodie:
Yeah, that's right. We could go home.

Doyle:
He'd be full of praise, too.

Bodie:
Praise?

Doyle:
Well, I wouldn't want to take the credit for an idea as good as that, would I?

Bodie:
Yeah, you'd admit it was me.

Doyle:
Yeah. Well, grudgingly. And with just the right touch of... admiration.

Bodie:
Know what you are, don't you?

Doyle:
I know what you *think* I am.

[Bodie and Doyle have been sent to stake out a bowling alley but they have no idea who or what they are supposed to be looking for]

Bodie:
Can you see anyone acting suspiciously?

Doyle:
Yeah - us!

Doyle:
[looking at his bowling score card] How do you score?

Bodie:
[looking at an attractive blonde] I just get lucky, I guess.

Meredith:
When I got out of Phnom Penh, I really thought I was going back to freedom.

William Andrew Philip Bodie:
In the circumstances, I wouldn't complain.

Meredith:
What the hell would you know about it?

William Andrew Philip Bodie:
I know everything about it, Meredith. We all do. Only some of us don't keep talking about it, right?

Sir Peter Pelham:
What's it going to be for you, Cowley? A marble monument or an unmarked grave?

George Cowley:
[to Meredith, who is clutching a gas canister and a lighter] Good to see you alive, Colin - the report said captured, assumed dead.

Meredith:
[on being handed a coffee] I could do with something stronger.

William Andrew Philip Bodie:
The only spirit we've got is medicinal!

[while moving Merideth to the car, a sniper opens fire]

Doyle:
Whose turn is it?

William Andrew Philip Bodie:
Yours.

George Cowley:
The doctor said you're to have a complete rest.

Meredith:
I haven't worn civilized clothes for two years!

Meredith:
[on Radouk's possible defection] You interested? This is the biggest thing since Philby!

George Cowley:
God forbid!

[Meredith has complained about Bodie and Doyle, describing them as 'goons']

George Cowley:
If it hadn't been for my 'goons' as you call them, you'd be laid out on a slab by now!

William Andrew Philip Bodie:
[watching Meredith getting into a taxi] Hey, Meredith, does your mother know you're out?

William Andrew Philip Bodie:
[to Malenski] Not very nice, is it, Malenski? Being run down by a car - I didn't like it either!

George Cowley:
[passing a picture from Malenski's file to Doyle] He takes after his mother, don't you think?

William Andrew Philip Bodie:
[watching Kodai and Radouk drive off at high speed] I hate flashy drivers, don't you?

[Doyle points out to Bodie they have to leave the pub to get to the changeover point at the airfield]

William Andrew Philip Bodie:
What about my lager?

Doyle:
Maybe she'll give you credit!

William Andrew Philip Bodie:
[on Kodai] He's not such a bad sort - a bit careless with firearms, I concede.

[a helicopter is hovering over the field]

Doyle:
He's having a good long look

William Andrew Philip Bodie:
Bloody advertising I call it.

[Cowley orders Bodie and Doyle to join him in chasing after Kodai's helicopter, after Cowley survived being shot by Kodai by wearing a Bullet proof vest under his coat]

Doyle:
Why aren't we taking the lads?

George Cowley:
Because I don't want a bloody procession!

[Doyle, Bodie and Cowley are following Kodai's helicopter in Cowley's car]

Doyle:
How did you know to wear the fancy waistcoat? Clairvoyance?

George Cowley:
Clairvoyance!

[Bodie has asked the barmaid for a Harvey Wallbanger]

Doyle:
How can you drink that?

William Andrew Philip Bodie:
Full of vitamins, this!

Doyle:
Maybe, but how do you drink it?

[Bodie is squatting in a filthy, run-down house, in order to infiltrate a group of drug smugglers]

George Cowley:
What's the smell? Washing or cooking?

Bodie:
Cooking. It's sock soup tonight! Yummy!

[Bodie is unshaven, unkempt and smelly because he is infiltrating a group of drug smugglers]

George Cowley:
There's a query about your expenses. Red Room at the Carlton Tower? Excessive, isn't it?

Bodie:
It's the only place open, right.

George Cowley:
They served you, looking like that?

Bodie:
Yeah - they think I'm an American actor.

George Cowley:
By the way, did you two pick up my desk?

Bodie:
Ah, well, yes sir, we did.

Doyle:
And we didn't.

George Cowley:
You did and you didn't?

Doyle:
Yeah...

Bodie:
Yeah, well, we did the first time...

Doyle:
But not the, uh, second time...

Bodie:
Don't look back!

Doyle:
Why not?

Bodie:
Cowley - he'll turn you into a pillar of salt!

[Bodie and Doyle collected Cowley's valuable antique desk but it fell off the roof-rack of their car as they were chasing Coleman and Angadi]

George Cowley:
I suppose you heard what these two did to my desk, McCabe?

McCabe:
It's the talk of the department, sir.

George Cowley:
Battered beyond recognition... minus its drawers.

McCabe:
Nasty. On that evidence I'm surprised you don't charge them with rape!

[Bodie and Doyle have been questioning a schoolgirl who knows Sandy Copeland]

Doyle:
Thank you very much - you've been very helpful.

Bodie:
Yeah, very. You know, when you leave here you ought to join the police force.

Nancy:
No thanks. I used to watch Police Woman. Too fraught. There are easier ways of making a living.

Doyle:
[eagerly] Oh - tell us.

Nancy:
[facetiously] Marry a millionaire.

George Cowley:
Right. Now, listen to me. John Avery at the Home Office has got more interests in African finance than you've got in air hostesses, Bodie, and he's acting very jumpy.

William Andrew Philip Bodie:
3.7. All quiet on the Western front. You?

Raymond Doyle:
Yeah, Colonel's in bed, gathering information.

William Andrew Philip Bodie:
So should I be. Had Louise lined up for tonight, you know.

Raymond Doyle:
He's in bed reading, you... priapismic monster. Changeover in 30 minutes, all right?

William Andrew Philip Bodie:
Yeah, ok, out. [after a couple of seconds] Priapismic?

Raymond Doyle:
Yeah, look it up, it suits you.

William Andrew Philip Bodie:
Thanks.

Avery:
The notion of calling in CI5 for a school visit seemed akin to asking the SAS to rescue a cat out of a tree.

George Cowley:
An error of judgement on your part, then?

Avery:
It's easy to be wise after the event, Cowley. I won't be held responsible.

George Cowley:
[ironically] Oh, yes, I can see that!

Doyle:
I'm gonna ask Cowley for a rise.

Bodie:
That's *one* way of getting yourself killed. You know what you'll get, don't you?

Doyle:
No I don't. What will I get?

Bodie:
[bad German accent] Doyle, do you realise how difficult it is running zis organisation on a restricted budget?

Doyle:
That's fantastic! Can you do a German accent?

Bodie:
Anyway, failing that, he'll hang you - not by the neck, either. Of course, he might not even be in yet - it's only half-past seven.

Doyle:
No, he'll be here. Work mad, our F?hrer.

Bodie:
[opening the door of the caravan he's just checked] Fancy a cup of tea?

Bodie:
[passing a scanning device around the inside of a caravan] Any bright ideas?

Doyle:
Yeah, check everything, mate.

Bodie:
Everything?

Doyle:
Yeah, everything! [Bodie uses the scanning device on Doyle's hair] You know, I wonder about you sometimes!

[a colleague has visited the lads and asked how they are feeling after the explosion in the caravan]

Bodie:
[rubbing the bridge of his nose] There's a little bloke inside my head whistling a tune, and I think he's forgotten it!

Doyle:
Well, personally speaking, I'm worrying how being officially listed as dead is going to cock up my next pay rise! [cut to colleague] I hope they don't cancel my pension!

[Doyle has just given evidence at a Court of Inquiry into the death of a man that he is alleged to have killed]

Bodie:
How did you get on?

Doyle:
Lousy! She made a monkey out of me.

Bodie:
Well you *did* give her a head-start.

Doyle:
She's a dragon!

Bodie:
She's a woman.

[a Court of Inquiry into the death of a suspect in CI5's custody has become a witch-hunt into the future of CI5 itself]

George Cowley:
A man died and you want to close down the whole hospital!

[Bodie, Doyle and Cowley have broken into Hollis's house to arrest Rahad]

Hollis:
I want to see my lawyer.

Doyle:
One more word out of you and what you'll want is a dentist.

Rahad:
Mr Cowley! I have heard of you. You are... much smaller than I imagined

George Cowley:
So was Henry VIII

George Cowley:
I back my men to the hilt.

Minister:
Even if they're wrong.

George Cowley:
Until they're *proved* wrong.