The Proposal

Grandma Annie:
[upon being introduced to Margaret] Do you prefer Margaret or "Satan's Mistress"?

Grandma Annie:
[to the MedEvac pilot when he refuses to take her to the airport] Don't make me call your mother!

Andrew Paxton:
Don't take this the wrong way.

Margaret Tate:
OK.

Andrew Paxton:
You are a very, *very* beautiful woman.

Margaret Tate:
Why didn't you tell me you were some kind of Alaskan Kennedy?

Andrew Paxton:
How could I ? We were in the middle of talking about you... for the last 3 years.

Margaret Tate:
OK, know what ? Timeout, OK ? This bickering Bickerson thing has got to stop. People need to think that we are in love. So let's just...

Andrew Paxton:
That, hey, that's no problem. I can do that. I can pretend to be the doting fiance. That's easy. But for you, that's going to require that you stop snacking on children while they dream.

Margaret Tate:
What am I allergic to?

Andrew Paxton:
Pine nuts, and the full spectrum of human emotion.

Margaret Tate:
[on sleeping in the same bedroom with Andrew] We love to snuggle. Don't we honey?

Andrew Paxton:
[sarcastically] Huge snugglers.

Grandma Annie:
[taking a knitted blanket out of the cabinet] If you get chilly tonight use this. It has special powers.

Margaret Tate:
[takes blanket] Oh. What kind of special powers?

Grandma Annie:
[smiling] I call it the baby maker.

Margaret Tate:
Okay. [to Andrew] Better be super careful with this.

Margaret Tate:
[surprised to see Andrew at her office] Why are you panting?

Andrew Paxton:
Cause I've been running.

Margaret Tate:
From Alaska.

Andrew Paxton:
[on the phone with his mom on why he can't come home for the weekend] I know. I know. Tell Gammie I'm sorry. What do you want me to tell you, she's making me work late again. I've worked to hard for this and I'm sure that dad is pissed. [seeing Margaret come towards him] But we take all our submissions very seriously and we'll get back to you as soon as we can.

Margaret Tate:
Was that your family?

Andrew Paxton:
Yes.

Margaret Tate:
Tell you to quit.

Andrew Paxton:
Every single day.

Andrew Paxton:
Margaret, will you marry me? Because I'd like to date you.

Andrew Paxton:
[upon seeing the puppy run out of the bathroom] Wow. Barely made it out with my life. I mean, did you see those teeths?

Andrew Paxton:
[referring to the story about how he proposed to Margaret] You know what? Actually, Margaret loves telling this story, so I'm just gonna let her go ahead and do that. We should just sit and rapture.

Margaret Tate:
Wow, okay... wow, where to begin... the story... Well, um, wow... Okay, well, um, Andrew and I... Andrew and I were about to celebrate our first anniversary together and I knew that he'd been itching to ask me to marry him and he was scared, like a little tiny bird. So, I started leaving him little hints here and there because I knew he wouldn't have the guts to ask...

Andrew Paxton:
That's not exactly how it happened.

Margaret Tate:
No?

Andrew Paxton:
No, no, I mean I picked up on all of her little hints... this woman is about as subtle as a gun. Yeah, no what I was worried about was that she might find this little box...

Margaret Tate:
Oh, the decoupage box that he made, where he'd taken the time to cut out twenty little pictures of himself, just pasted all over the box. So beautiful! I opened that beautiful little decoupage and out fluttered these tiny little hand cut heart confettis and once they cleared, I looked down and I saw the most beautiful, big...

Andrew Paxton:
...fat nothing! No ring.

Grandma Annie:
No ring?

Grace Paxton:
What?

Andrew Paxton:
No, but inside that box, underneath all that crap, a handwritten note with the address to a hotel, date and time. Real Humphrey Bogart type stuff. Masculine. Naturally, Margaret, she thought...

Margaret Tate:
I thought he was seeing someone else... so it was a terrible time for me, but I went to that hotel anyway, I went there and I pounded on the door. But the door was already unlocked. As I swung open that door, there he was...

Andrew Paxton:
Standing.

Margaret Tate:
Kneeling.

Andrew Paxton:
Like a man.

Margaret Tate:
On a bed of rosebuds, in a tuxedo. Your son. Your son... and he was choking back soft, soft sobs. And when he held back the tears and finally caught his breath, he said to me...

Andrew Paxton:
'Margaret, will you marry me?' and she said 'yep', the end!

Margaret Tate:
I am not getting in that boat!

Andrew Paxton:
Fine, see you in three days.

Margaret Tate:
You know I can't swim!

Andrew Paxton:
Hence... the boat.

Ramone:
You can tell she's a good dancer by the way she drinks her soda pop.

Andrew Paxton:
[as Margaret slowly descends the ladder to the dock] Congratulations. I'm a hundred.

Margaret Tate:
If you touch my ass one more time I will cut your balls off in your sleep, okay?

Grandma Annie:
[Introducing the new family dog to Margaret] Don't let him out. The eagles will snatch him.

Margaret Tate:
If you ever grab my ass again. I will kill you!

Andrew Paxton:
Three days ago, I loathed you. I used to dream about you getting hit by a cab. Then we had our little adventure up in Alaska and things started to changed. Things changed when we kissed. And when you told me about your tattoo. Even when you checked me out when we were naked. But I didn't realize any of this, until I was standing alone... in a barn... wifeless. Now, you could imagine my disappointment when it suddenly dawned on me that the woman I love is about to be kicked out of the country. So Margaret, marry me, because I'd like to date you.

Margaret Tate:
Andrew! Andrew! Andrew! [throws a pillow at him, waking him up]

Margaret Tate:
[whispering] Your mother's at the door, get up here! Get up here!

Margaret Tate:
[to Andrew's mother] Just a second! [Andrew throws his pillow and blanket at her]

Margaret Tate:
[whispering as she takes Andrew's blankets off the bed] Baby blanket, get it off, get it off...

Margaret Tate:
[Andrew gets close to her, as if they were sleeping together, as she feels something] Oh my God, what is that?

Andrew Paxton:
I'm sorry... it's morning!

Margaret Tate:
What do you mean it's morning?

[Andrew rolls his eyes, as the meaning is obvious]

Margaret Tate:
Who is Jillian? And why does she want me to call her? [shows Andrew the phone in the coffee cup]

Andrew Paxton:
Well, that was originally my cup.

Margaret Tate:
And I'm drinking your coffee why?

Andrew Paxton:
Because your coffee spilled.

Margaret Tate:
[tastes coffee] So you drink unsweetened cinammom light soy lattes.

Andrew Paxton:
I do. It's like Christmas in a cup.

Margaret Tate:
Is that a coincidence?

Andrew Paxton:
Incredibly, it is. I mean, I wouldn't possibly drink the same coffee that you drink just in case yours spilled, that would be pathetic. [phone rings] Morning! Miss Tate's office.

Margaret Tate:
[after giving Andrew instructions on the Alaska weekend] Why aren't you taking notes?

Andrew Paxton:
I'm sorry, were you not in that room?

Margaret Tate:
What? Oh, oh, the thing you said about being promoted? Genius, genius. He completely fell for it.

Andrew Paxton:
I was serious. I'm looking at a 250,000 dollar fine and 5 years in jail, that changes things.

Margaret Tate:
Promote you to editor? No way.

Andrew Paxton:
Then I quit and you're screwed. Bye bye, Margaret.

Margaret Tate:
Andrew! Andrew! Fine! Fine. I'll make you editor, fine. If you do the Alaska weekend and the immigration interview, I'll make you... I'll make you editor. Happy?

Andrew Paxton:
Not in two years, right away.

Margaret Tate:
Fine.

Andrew Paxton:
And you'll publish my manuscript.

Margaret Tate:
10,000 copies first run.

Andrew Paxton:
20,000 copies first run.

Andrew Paxton:
We'll tell my family about our engagement when I want and how I want. Now, ask me nicely.

Margaret Tate:
Ask you nicely what?

Andrew Paxton:
Ask me nicely to marry you... Margaret.

Margaret Tate:
What does that mean?

Andrew Paxton:
You heard me. On your knee.

Margaret Tate:
[she kneels] Fine. Does this work for you?

Andrew Paxton:
Oh, I like this. Yeah.

Margaret Tate:
Here you go. Will you marry me?

Andrew Paxton:
No. Say it like you mean it.

Margaret Tate:
Andrew.

Andrew Paxton:
Yes, Margaret.

Margaret Tate:
Sweet Andrew.

Andrew Paxton:
I'm listening.

Margaret Tate:
Would you please, with cherries on top, marry me?

Andrew Paxton:
Ok. I don't appreciate the sarcasm, but I'll do it. See you at the airport tomorrow.

Margaret Tate:
Listen carefully Bob. I didn't fire you because I felt threatened. No. I fired you because you're lazy, entitled, incompetent and you spend more time cheating on your wife than you do in your office. And if you say another word Andrew here is going to have you thrown out on your ass - O.K.? [Bob Spaulding motions] Another word and you're out of here with an armed escort. Andrew will film it on his little cameraphone and put it on that Internet site. [to Andrew] What's that?

Andrew Paxton:
YouTube.

Margaret Tate:
Exactly. Is that what you want? [Bob Spaulding shakes head no] Didn't think so. I have work to do.

Mr. Gilbertson:
[to Margaret] See, I'm like Eliot Ness. I always get my man. I'm that good.

Margaret Tate:
I have never farted in front of him. Nor will I ever fart in front of him.

Andrew Paxton:
She farts in her sleep.

Medivac Pilot:
Gammy,We're not authorize to take you to the airport.

Grandma Annie:
[leans up] Larry Faris, don't make me call your mother!

Andrew Paxton:
Fun fact about Andrew number 11: I like Pringles.

Margaret Tate:
Okay.

Andrew Paxton:
They're delicious. All Hostess products. Coke, never Pepsi, and beef jerky.

Margaret Tate:
What, are you, like, 13?

Andrew Paxton:
I'm not rich. My parents are rich.

Margaret Tate:
Which is the kind of thing that only a rich person would say.

Grandma Annie:
I want you to have it.

Margaret Tate:
I can't. Can't take this.

Grandma Annie:
I don't want to hear it. Grandmothers love to give their stuff to their grandchildren. It makes us feel like we'll still be part of your lives even after we're gone. Take it.

Margaret Tate:
Hand off ass.

Grandma Annie:
[to Margaret, when adjusting the wedding dress] Where are your breasts, dear?

Joe Paxton:
[after Margaret's plane takes off] What's wrong?

Grace Paxton:
Margaret's on that plane.

Grandma Annie:
And he didn't get to tell her!

Joe Paxton:
Tell her what?

Grace Paxton:
That he loves her.

Grandma Annie:
So she could tell him that she loves him too.

Joe Paxton:
Yeah but how does he...

Grace Paxton:
If she didn't love him, she wouldn't have left.

Grandma Annie:
Of course not.

Joe Paxton:
Am I the only one not getting this?

Grace Paxton:
Oh, Joe!

Margaret Tate:
I'm sorry for feeding you to the eagle!

Andrew Paxton:
Why are you WET?

Margaret Tate:
Why are you NAKED?

Mr. Gilbertson:
[at the Green Card interview] Are you soul mates?

Ramone:
Uhm, would we kill each other? No!

[first lines]

Andrew Paxton:
Sh*t!