The Ritz

Googie Gomez:
No rain, he tells me. No rain, he says. No rain! F***ing weather man!

Googie Gomez:
[screams and curses in Spanish] My hairs! Not my hairs!

Googie Gomez:
[after kissing Proclo] Oh, my boyfriend Hectar see me do that, he kill you with a knife this big! [touches her elbow]

Googie Gomez:
Some day, you're going to see the name of Googie Gomez in lights and you're going to say to yourself [gasps] was that her? And you're gonna answer to yourself, [gasps] that was her! But you know something, mister? I was always her, just that nobody knows it!

Googie Gomez:
Plastic Puerto Ricans!

Gaetano Proclo:
Who the hell was that?!

Gaetano Proclo:
[amazed] Ronald Reagan?!

Gaetano Proclo:
Do I look like someone who would try to pass a bad check? Yeah? Yeah, of course I do!

Gaetano Proclo:
Chubby chaser. Hey, that's pretty funny. Unless you happen to be the chubby they're chasing.

Claude Perkins:
Jelly roll, baby! You're my jelly roll man!

Claude Perkins:
If you're not down in my room in five minutes, then I'm gonna come up here and break your knees!

Chris:
I'm going straight.

Chris:
It's like some strange heterosexual gypsy curse was put on this place!

Man on Stairs:
There will be an orgy beginning in room 340 in exactly 4 minutes! Orgy in 340, 4 minutes!

Customer:
Did they ever put you on 4? It's Siberia up there!

Tiger:
Alright, fat man, leave the little guy alone! What do you think this is, a YMCA?

Brick:
One of those transvestites is standing right next to me. I can't talk now, I think he's surrounding me for unnatural things!

Man in Elevator:
There's a reason some of us don't ride the subway. I'm looking right at it.

Abe:
We've got a nightclub, movies, swimming pool, steam room, massage table, discotheque, bridge, amateur night, and free blood tests every Wednesday.

Papa:
Get Proclo.

Vivian:
Get Proclo, Papa? Yes Papa, he's just outside! I'll bring him in for your blessing. Oh, Papa, he'll be so pleased! He thought you hated him all these years! Oh, Papa!

Papa:
Get Proclo.

Vivian:
Get Proclo, Papa?

Papa:
[curses in Italian] Kill him! Kill the son of a b*tch!

Vivian:
But Papa, he's my husband!

Papa:
Get Proclo! [dies]

Abe:
I thought you sworn off this place.

Claude:
I thought I had too.

Abe:
You got homesick for us, right?

Claude:
Well I didn't have much choice, I've been barred from the Appenium.

Abe:
Come on, nobody gets barred from the Appenium. How'd you manage that?

Claude:
Well, there was this man there.

Abe:
A fat man, right?

Claude:
Fat? He was the magic mountain! He drove me into one of my frenzies. I went berserk and kicked his door open, so they threw me out and told me never to come back again. I was willing to pay for it, I just wanted to talk to him, you know how I am.

Proclo:
How pissed off is he?

Chris:
On a ten-scale? Ten.

Proclo:
You're a good man, uh...?

Abe:
Abe.

Proclo:
Abe. Abe. I'm gonna have a novena said for you when I get back to Cleveland. What's your last name? Abe what?

Abe:
Leftkowitz.

Proclo:
I'll still have a novena said for you when I get back.

Chris:
You know, I had a novena said for me once. I asked to wake up gorgeous.

Abe:
So what happened?

Chris:
Well look at me!

Chris:
Abe, how is that gorgeous son of yours?

Abe:
You're too late, he's getting married.

Chris:
That's terrific! You give him my love, will you?

Abe:
Sure thing.

Chris:
Does he need someone to pratice with?

Abe:
He's been practicing already, that's why he has to get married.

Chris:
Well compared to me, Abe, she would have to be an amateur.

Abe:
People like you think the whole world is queer.

Chris:
It's lucky for people like you it is!

Abe:
How long?

Brick:
Is what?

Abe:
How long do you want the room for?

Brick:
Three or four hours should be sufficient for my purposes.

Claude:
You'll never guess what I made for dinner tonight so I'm just going to have to tell you.

Proclo:
I beg your pardon?

Proclo:
My, what unusual pants. They look like cowboy chaps.

Man:
[in a gruff voice] They are cowboy chaps.

Proclo:
Yeah, I was just thinking they look like cowboy chaps.

Proclo:
You could catch athlete's foot in a place like this!

Tiger:
You're lucky if that's all you catch.

Proclo:
I know what you are now! You're a chubby chaser!

Claude:
I know!

Proclo:
Stop it!

Claude:
How?

Customer:
Crisco.

Proclo:
What?

Customer:
Crisco oil party. Room 419. Pass it on.

Proclo:
Pass what on?

Customer:
Bring Joey.

Proclo:
Who's Joey?

Customer:
You know Joey. Don't bring chuck, you got that?

Proclo:
Crisco oil party. Room 419. I can bring Joey but not Chuck.

Customer:
Check.

Proclo:
What's the matter with Chuck?

Customer:
[whispers something]

Proclo:
Chuck is definitely out!

Brick:
Excuse me.

Claude:
I'm resting.

Brick:
May I come in?

Claude:
No no, I said I'm resting.

Brick:
I'm looking for something

Claude:
I told you, I'm resting.

Brick:
That's okay, I just...

Claude:
Hey hey, what do you need? A brick wall to fall on your head?! Resting! It's a euphemism for not interested, skinny!

Proclo:
There's something I want to tell you. I'm afraid uh... I'm afraid I'm not uh...

Chris:
You're not gay?

Proclo:
No!

Chris:
Well what are you, a social worker or something?

Chris:
Strange as it may seem, no one is going to attack you.

Proclo:
Someone already has!

Chris:
Eh... beginner's luck.

Googie:
I am suddenly a woman!

Proclo:
No you're not, you're someone with a lot of problems!

Googie:
Make me feel like a real woman!

Proclo:
That's not my department, that's out of my hands!

Claude:
You could use a good psychiatrist, mister!

Googie:
What did you call me?!

Claude:
I haven't seen such tacky drag since the Princeton Varsity show!

Googie:
Tacky drag?!

Claude:
30 years ago, sonny boy!

The funny season begins when you check in for a night at The Ritz.

Hiding out from the Mafia can be an awful drag!

...your key to hilarity.