The Smell of Success

[first lines]

Agent Chestnut:
[switches on recorder] Agent Chestnut, Federal Trade Commission interview. Please state your full name.

Patrick:
Patrick Fitzpatrick.

Agent Chestnut:
Mr. Fitzpatrick, were you aware of the financial difficulties at Rose's manure?

Patrick:
No.

Agent Chestnut:
Really? Because by all accounts and sales records, Mr. Rose considered *you* his Number 2. And you want me to believe Mr. Rose never mentioned it?

Patrick:
Never.

Agent Chestnut:
Well, you will not be allowed to operate or sell anything until I have competed my investigation.

Patrick:
[narrating] Sure I'd been hit before. I was a bullshitter. I just didn't know how deep I'd stepped in it. Some men find themself in manure, and some men find themself in manure. I, unfortunately, got caught up in somebody else's crap. And how did I end up here? I followed the smell of success.

Patrick:
You are more full of sh*t than my sample case.

Rosemary Rose:
A bachelors in chemistry, a masters in degree in physics?

Thaddeus Young:
Yes, ma'am.

Rosemary Rose:
My I ask, why you are working at Rose's manure?

Thaddeus Young:
My professors repeatedly told me I had excrement for brains.

Rosemary Rose:
Your deployment was Baker Island. What is Baker Island?

Patrick:
It's an isolated piece on land, completely surrounded by water.

Rosemary Rose:
You know what, it takes a special lady to stand a man who smells like manure most of the time.

Patrick:
Just because you sell it, doesn't mean you need to look and smell like it.

Rosemary Rose:
Mr. Rose Hired a bunch of misfits, and I am going to clean this business up.

Patrick:
Don't bury this company in your personal bullshit. It manufactures plenty of its own.

Early Dunchamp:
H-h-h-how l-l-l-long do you th-th-th-think she'll last?

Chet Pigford:
Not as long as that sentence lasted.

Patrick:
Heard about a chicken one time that lasted 42 days after his head was cut off. Put it that way.

Thaddeus Young:
[after a long beat] I don't get it.

Chet Pigford:
Out of 100,00 sperm, you were the fastest? [all laugh]

Jimmy St. James:
[to farmer] May I tug on your carrot?

Rosemary Rose:
You all act like you've seen the second coming of crap.

Rosemary Rose:
What exactly do you think the benefits of a circular bed are?

Patrick:
I'm not quite sure. It hasn't taken off like the wheel.

Patrick:
What a mess I've made out of things. I'm sorry. You might have been the king of number 2, but you'll always be number 1 to me.