The Sonny and Cher Comedy Hour

Sonny:
Honey, I understand why you're a little disappointed, I, I know know how much you wanted to go to Hawaii, but, well, I just couldn't afford a round trip ticket for the two of us.

Cher:
Who said anything about the two of us? [Sonny gives the camera a hurt yet baffled look]

Cher:
Who said anything about round trip?

Sonny:
Christmas was really nice. My mother cooked. My mother cooked for us, and, eh, she really knows how to stuff a turkey, doesn't she?

Cher:
Yeah, straight in her mouth.

Glenn Ford:
This is a warrant for you, it's a 504.

Sonny:
What's a 504?

Glenn Ford:
Well, it's a citation for overacting in front of 22.000 people.

Freeman King, your culture announcer.:
Tonight's opera was first performed in Venice in 1641, and received absolutely no applause. Not a clap. Nothing.

Sonny:
It's not nice to make jokes behind my mother's back.

Cher:
Sonny, all of Cleveland could make jokes behind your mother's back.

Cher:
Merv, you see, Sonny has this terrible problem: every time he opens his mouth, words come out.

Merv Griffin:
That is serious!

Bonnie:
Clyde, you must remember that I have more than just a tremendously sexy body. I also have a tremendously sexy criminal mind.

Theda Bara:
Where is my sheik, that handsome devil that made my emeralds sparkle and my rubies tingle?

Vlada the Horror:
'Tis I, Vlada the Horror. The rich and noble, though slightly repulsive, Kozak.

Sonny:
You know, when you look great, you sing great.

Cher:
You'd better change your clothes, your suit sounds terrible.

Cher:
[Sonny is giving stage directions] What are you doing, Cecil B. DeBono?

Cher:
Gee wiz, Burt, gosh allmighty, you're not only attractive, you're witty. You are witty and you're intelligent, you're exciting, you're masculine...

Burt Reynolds:
Don't search for words, go on!

Eve:
Hi, Snake, how's tricks?

Snake:
Terrific. It's hard to hiss and still be masculine.

Adam:
[Adam has just set eyes on Eve for the first time] Oh! Another man! You're really beautiful, and I must be sick!

Snake:
[Adam and Eve have just been expelled from the Garden of Eden] They're foolin' around out there, and I'm stuck here with a bunch of fruits!

Cowboy:
Look, it's Wild Bill Hickok!

Wild Bill Hickok:
Who were you expecting, Dale Evans?

Wild Bill Hickok:
Just my luck. First time I get to play a white guy in a Western and the Indians beat the daylights outta me!

Steve Martin:
The Academy Award committee today announced that if George C. Scott wins the Oscar did year, they will not give it to him. Scott replied: Good, in that case, I'll accept it.

Sonny:
[referring to Cher and Burt Reynolds] First time I've ever been outnumbered by two indians.

Sonny:
We went out on the road and I got these sensational reviews on the road, I mean, ah, eh, 'Sonny Bono was fantastic in Vegas', 'Super in New York' and, and 'Dynamic in Los Angeles', and, and...

Cher:
Boring at home.

Cher:
I told your mother to expect the patter of little feet around the house.

Sonny:
Oh you're kidding, Cher, You mean? You...

Cher:
That's right, you're sleeping at her house tonight.

Sonny:
Gee, thanks, Governor Reagan.

Governor Ronald Reagan:
Oh, you can call me by my first name.

Sonny:
Governor?

[the Gov. nods]

Sonny:
I know that the whole world is just gonna be thrilled by what I'm about to say.

Cher:
You're retiring from showbusiness.

Sonny:
Governor, as a matter of fact, I like nothing better than watching your movies on The Late Show, nothing.

Governor Ronald Reagan:
Hm, that's funny. So do I.

Governor Ronald Reagan:
[reading a speech originally written for the dedication of the Cucamonga County Fair] My fellow Californians, as I stand here on the... Sonny & Cher Comedy Hour, I am truly blessed by nature's bounty. On my left, I see a beautiful, luscious tomato. And on my right, the world's biggest vegetable.

The fair Princess Pamela Ann:
They say I'm made of stone, but you'll notice, everyone wants a piece of the rock.

Sonny:
Well, I performed, myself, I performed in, at the White House in, eh, in a one man kind concert sorta thing in the Oval Office for the President of the United States. [polite applause from the audience]

Cher:
Yeah, those must be the tapes he won't release.

Olivia:
Oh Laverne, you lie like a rug!

Laverne:
Oh Honey, that's the way the mouth flops, anyway. You know, they say that some marriages are made in heaven, Harry and I got the only one made in Japan.

Cowboy Cosell:
[about Chuck Connors] You know something, I saw this guy play baseball many times. He had one outstanding characteristic: the constancy of failure.

Sonny:
I'm going on an African safari. You're looking at the great white hunter, Bwana Bono. A man who stands his ground in the face of a charging rhino. Do you know what the natives call a man like that, Cher?

Cher:
El Stupido.

Sonny:
Picture this, Cher. Here I am...

Cher:
Ok.

Sonny:
There I am, standing in the steaming jungle.You got it?

Cher:
Yeah.

Sonny:
Suddenly, I face this hideous creature with enormous jaws and a huge hairy body!

Cher:
You have relatives in Africa?

Sonny:
[pretending to be aiming a rifle on safari] Cher I'm talking about Wamba, the giant gorilla of Zambingo. Now picture this:

Cher:
Alright.

Sonny:
Wamba crashes towards me

Cher:
Right.

Sonny:
And I fire and I miss!

Cher:
Right!

Sonny:
He advances again and I fire again and I miss!

Cher:
Right.

Sonny:
And he keeps coming on!

Cher:
Oh, quit firing, if you miss again he'll probably die laughing!

Rosa:
Mister, could you tell me what you had, 'cause I forgot to mark it down.

Sonny's dad:
Yeah, I'll tell you what I had. I had a stale pizza, some rotten tomatos and two day old soup!

Rosa:
Let's see, that's a no 12, that'll be $ 2.85.

Sonny's dad:
Lady, you don't understand, I just ate a plate of garbage!

Rosa:
Oh, you had the Sonny's Deluxe, that'll be 3 dollars even.

Sonny:
Sonny, can you tell me something? How come your father is always in a bad mood?

Rosa:
Oh, it's simple, see, my older brother's a lawyer.

Sonny:
Yeah?

Rosa:
Yeah, and then my younger brother's, well, he's a doctor. I'm in the pizza business.

Sonny:
Oh I see, he's disappointed.

Sonny:
Well of course he's disappointed. What do you expect? All three of us can't be in the pizza business.