The Squid and the Whale

Bernard Berkman:
Hey - Watch it!

Frank Berkman:
Suck my dick, ass man...

Joan Berkman:
You're calling me a b*tch?

Bernard Berkman:
[Waiting to be taken away in an ambulance after having a heart attack] Degolas.

Joan Berkman:
What?

Bernard Berkman:
It means "b*tch." Don't you remember?

Joan Berkman:
You're calling me a b*tch?

Bernard Berkman:
No, don't you remember the last line of Godard's "A Bout De Souffle"? Belmondo calls Seberg a b*tch. "Degolas." We saw it at the Thalia with the Dicksteins. I got you in for the children's price. You were pregnant with Walt.

Joan Berkman:
Like six weeks.

Bernard Berkman:
I still got you in for a children's ticket. You told me you didn't like Godard. You thought the jump-cuts were - [He is loaded into the ambulance] I'd check for the cat behind the ashcans, under the Golodners' stoop!

Joan Berkman:
OK.

Joan Berkman:
You're early.

Bernard Berkman:
Hi, Joan.

Joan Berkman:
Don't feed him the generic stuff.

Bernard Berkman:
What?

Joan Berkman:
Frank says you're feeding the cat generic food. Get Purina, it's what he likes.

Bernard Berkman:
It's the same damn thing, Joan.

Joan Berkman:
OK. It's not, but...

Bernard Berkman:
He's my cat, too. Remember when he got stuck in the wall in New Hampshire and I rescued him? I know how to handle him.

Joan Berkman:
It was a radiator.

Bernard Berkman:
What?

Joan Berkman:
He got stuck in a radiator. You trimmed your beard.

Bernard Berkman:
Yeah, it was starting to get a little feral. You look well.

Joan Berkman:
Yeah? Thanks.

Bernard Berkman:
Things are good here. Teaching is going well. And I'm playing the best tennis of my life. Maybe that's an illusion, but... it feels that way.

Joan Berkman:
I'd appreciate it if you didn't... tell him about things like Richard.

Bernard Berkman:
My father told me you called him.

Joan Berkman:
I did, yeah.

Bernard Berkman:
He said you, uh... he said you were upset.

Joan Berkman:
Yeah. I wanted to... I like him. You know that. I just wanted to say - I don't know. I just wanted to say hello.

Bernard Berkman:
He called me right after. He said, "Bernie, I think you can save your marriage." I told him... I didn't think there was anything else I could do. I did try everything. [Walks away]

Joan Berkman:
Bye, Bernard.

Bernard Berkman:
You married?

Ivan:
Nope.

Bernard Berkman:
The whole thing's very complicated.

Frank Berkman:
Mom's dating Ivan.

Bernard Berkman:
Really? Ivan, back there, Ivan?

Frank Berkman:
Yeah.

Bernard Berkman:
Are you sure? Why didn't you say something? Why is your mother dating all these jocks? Very uninteresting men.

Frank Berkman:
Ivan is very interesting.

Bernard Berkman:
Ivan's not a serious possibility for your mother.

Frank Berkman:
I think he is.

Bernard Berkman:
I don't want to badmouth Ivan. But I don't know what Joan is thinking.

Frank Berkman:
I think Ivan...

Bernard Berkman:
Frank.

Joan Berkman:
You're living with a twenty-year-old.

Bernard Berkman:
It's none of your business, Joan.

Joan Berkman:
It's my business when you have our kids! It's confusing for them. Frank says Walt's in love with her.

Bernard Berkman:
Walt has a girlfriend. F*** off, Joan. I don't ask about you and Ivan. Stay out of my life. I can't believe you'd talk to me like this. You left all those f***ing ticket stubs and letters lying around! You wanted me to know. It was f***ing torture, Joan! F***ING TORTURE!

[first lines]

Frank Berkman:
Mom and me versus you and Dad.

Bernard Berkman:
Joan, let me ask you something. All that work I did at the end of our marriage, making dinners, cleaning up, being more attentive. It never was going to make a difference, was it? You were leaving no matter what...

Joan Berkman:
You never made a dinner.

Bernard Berkman:
I made burgers that time you had pneumonia.

Walt Berkman:
It's Welles' masterpiece, really. Many people think it's Citizen Kane, but Magnificent Ambersons, if it hadn't been ruined by the studio, would've been his crowning achievement. As it is, it's still brilliant. It's the old story, genius not being recognized by the industry.

Lance:
It sounds great. Who's in it?

Walt Berkman:
Orson Welles? I don't know, I haven't seen it yet. I've seen stills.

Bernard Berkman:
She's a very risky writer, Lili. Very racy. I mean, exhibiting her c*nt in that fashion is very racy. I mean Lili has her influences in post modern literature, it's a bit derivative of Kafka, but for a student, very racy. Did you get that it was her c*nt?

Sophie:
Yeah. I mean, it's gross when he turns into the bug, but I love how matter of fact everything is.

Walt Berkman:
Yeah, it's very Kafkaesque.

Sophie:
[She looks at him oddly. She laughs] Cause it's written by Franz Kafka.

Walt Berkman:
Right. I mean, clearly.

Walt Berkman:
It's like... we were pals then... we'd do things together... we'd look at the knight armor at the Met. The scary fish at the Natural History Museum. I was always afraid of the squid and whale fighting. I can only look at it with my hands in front of my face.

Bernard Berkman:
How do you know they were both Frank's?

Ms. Lemon:
Well, I suppose it's possible other kids are masturbating and spreading their semen around the school as well... It's possible, but, uh, somewhat unlikely.

Bernard Berkman:
Oh, it happens, I'm sure, much more than we know.

Joan Berkman:
Bernard, have you ever done anything like this?

Bernard Berkman:
I'm not going to answer that.

Joan Berkman:
You're being a sh*t, Walt!

Jeffrey:
She could probably move her p*ssy muscles just the right way so you blow your load in like seconds.

Frank Berkman:
Across the park? Is that still Brooklyn?

Bernard Berkman:
Put me in your mouth.

Bernard Berkman:
Don't be difficult

Bernard Berkman:
You'll have to share the bathroom with the boys. They get the upstairs and I have my own.

Lili:
That's all right, as long as Walt remembers to pull the seat down.

Walt Berkman:
[kisses her knee]

Lili:
[lowers her head] Do you think...

Walt Berkman:
[brings his up and smacks her in the nose]

Lili:
Oh sh*t! F***!

Walt Berkman:
I'm sorry! I'm sorry!

Lili:
No, it's ok. It's just a bloody nose.

Lili:
[they kiss] Why did you stop?

Bernard Berkman:
I'm your teacher.

Lili:
You know, I've always wondered what it'd be like to f*** you.

Bernard Berkman:
Your mum and I, we're going to separate. I've got you tuesday, wednesday and every other thursday.

Walt Berkman:
And what about the cat?

Joan Berkman:
The cat!

Bernard Berkman:
We didn't discuss the cat.

Bernard Berkman:
Ivan is fine but he's not a serious guy, he's a philistine.

Frank Berkman:
What's a philistine?

Bernard Berkman:
It's a guy who doesn't care about books and interesting films and things.

Bernard Berkman:
Your mother's brother Ned is also a philistine.

Frank Berkman:
Then I'm a philistine.

Bernard Berkman:
No, you're interested in books and things.

Walt Berkman:
I shouldn't have broken up with Sophie.

Joan Berkman:
Why did you?

Walt Berkman:
I thought I could do better.

Joan Berkman:
Better how?

Walt Berkman:
I don't know.

Sophie:
My Father said you had a weak handshake, which is a sign of indecision.

Walt Berkman:
His hands are so huge. I couldn't get a good grip.

Bernard Berkman:
What is it about high school, you read all the worst books by good writers.

Walt Berkman:
ls Mom letting you drink soda?

Frank Berkman:
Beer.

Walt Berkman:
Since when do you drink beer?

Frank Berkman:
Since recently.

Frank Berkman:
F*** that cock sh*t!