The Stepford Wives

Mike Wellington:
Only one can survive.

Stepford Wife:
I'm going to use a pinecone as the baby Jesus this year.

Bobbi Markowitz:
And I'm going to attach a pinecone to my vibrator and have a really merry Christmas!

Bobbi Markowitz:
I got you Mace Windu and Amidala.

Max Markowitz:
And Boba Fett?

Bobbi Markowitz:
They were all sold out.

Max Markowitz:
Aw, Mom.

[grumbles]

Bobbi Markowitz:
Here's five hundred dollars.

Claire Wellington:
I asked myself, "Where would people never notice a town full of robots?" [gasps] Connecticut.

Mike Wellington:
My real name isn't Mike, it's just a nickname from where I used to work.

Joanna Eberhard:
Where?

Mike Wellington:
Microsoft.

Ted Van Sant:
NASA.

Vic Stevens:
Disney.

Stan Peters:
AOL.

Joanna Eberhard:
Is that why the women are so slow?

Joanna Eberhart:
Bobbie! Bobbie... this isn't you...

Bobbie Markowitz:
That's right, Joanna! This isn't me, it's a whole new me. I'm happy, and I'm healthy, because I understand what's important in life.

Joanna Eberhart:
Yes, your new book!

Bobbie Markowitz:
[starts advancing on Joanna] That's right! That's what's important, my new cookbook. And my husband, and my family, and making a perfect home. It's a lesson every gal needs to learn, especially you. I'm your friend, Joanna, I'm going to help you. You need me.

Joanna Eberhart:
You stay away from me!

Bobbie Markowitz:
You are driven.

Joanna Eberhart:
Well, sometimes...

Bobbie Markowitz:
And you're selfish! You wanna rule the world! I can fix you. I can change you.

Joanna Eberhart:
[notices Bobbie's hand is resting upon the lit stove, yet she doesn't burn] What... have... they... done... to... you?

Bobbie Markowitz:
Let's get busy!

'Balance of Power' Host:
Who makes more money?

Tara:
[buzzes] I do!

'Balance of Power' Host:
Who enters Iron Man triathalons every year and wins?

Tara:
[buzzes] I do!

'Balance of Power' Host:
Who secretly wishes they were married to a hot sexy lesbian?

Tara, Bob:
[both buzz at once] I do!

Claire Wellington:
Today, we are going to discuss - well, it is probably the most important book any of us will ever read. Yes, it is provocative, but it is also inspiring: The Heritage Hills Special Edition Golden Deluxe Treasury of Christmas Keepsakes and Collectibles!

[wives and Roger squeal and applaud with delight]

Claire Wellington:
This book said to me, 'Let's celebrate the birth of our lord Jesus Christ... with yarn.'

Joanna Eberhart:
We're trespassing!

Bobbie Markowitz:
Only if we get caught.

Walter Kresby:
She's not a robot. She never was. I couldn't do it.

Mike Wellington:
Why not?

Walter Kresby:
Because she's not a science project. Because I didn't marry something from RadioShack.

Mike Wellington:
That's a shame.

Joanna Eberhart:
No. That's a man.

Roger Bannister:
Oh, I feel like Nancy Drew in the mystery of the mid-life crisis.

Dave Markowitz:
Cup cakes anyone?

Dave Markowitz:
Cup cakes! Hey, right on time. Jo these are smokin'. [to Bobbie] Why can't you make stuff like this?

Bobbie Markowitz:
Why don't you?

Dave Markowitz:
Because I have a penis.

Charmaine Van Sant:
Nice khakis, Walter...

Walter Kresby:
Thanks, I was experimenting...

Charmaine Van Sant:
Now I know why they call it *Banana* Republic.

Joanna Eberhart:
How do I look?

Bobbi Markowitz:
Can I be perfectly honest?

Joanna Eberhart:
Mm-hmmm.

Bobbi Markowitz:
You kind of look like Betty Crocker.

Joanna Eberhart:
I know.

Roger Bannister:
At Betty Ford.

[after he's de-Stepfordized]

Roger Bannister:
What am I wearing?

Walter Kresby:
First of all we are in the country now, so no more black.

Joanna Eberhart:
No more black? Are you insane?

Walter Kresby:
You heard me. Only high-powered, neurotic, castrating, Manhattan career b*tches wear black. Is that what you want to be?

Joanna Eberhart:
Ever since I was a little girl.

Claire Wellington:
Well, aren't you a bug's ear.

Kimberly Kresby:
Bugs don't have ears.

Claire Wellington:
Why, aren't you sassy? And a little sad.

[seeing Joanna in the car]

Claire Wellington:
And this must be Joanna.

[whispering to Walter]

Claire Wellington:
Electroshock?

Walter Kresby:
Yes, but she's doing much better.

Claire Wellington:
Hello, little energizer.

Joanna Eberhard:
But, she had sparks coming out of her ears.

Roger Bannister:
That's the first sign.

Joanna Eberhard:
Of what?

Roger Bannister:
Cheap jewelery.

Joanna Eberhart:
Hey, aren't you Bobbi Markowitz? I love your books. What was the name of that book, the one about your mother?

Bobbi Markowitz:
"I Love You, But Please Die."

Bobbi Markowitz:
My psychiatrist says I need creative chaos.

Roger Bannister:
My shrink says I need boundaries.

Joanna Eberhart:
My doctor says I need enough electricity to jumpstart Vegas.

[first lines]

Helen Devlin:
Ladies and gentlemen, I would now like to introduce a legend in our industry. She's the most successful president in the history of our network and for the past five years has kept us at the very top of the ratings.

[last lines]

Dave Markowitz:
Hey, you guys. Which aisle is quilted paper towels? If I don't get the right kind, my wife's gonna kill me.

Supermarket Announcer:
No talking, keep shopping.

Bobbi Markowitz:
[Discussing how to include Jewish Bobbie in Stepford's Christmas] Or maybe I could just use hundreds of Pine Cones to spell out the words 'Big Jew' in letters 15 feet tall, on the snow in my front yard?

Claire Wellington:
...That's a wonderful idea!

Claire Wellington:
[at the Stepford Bookclub, Claire is discussing a book on Christmas] Now Bobbi. We all realize you're probably feeling a bit uncomfortable with this weeks book because...

[Frowns]

Claire Wellington:
what's the word I'm looking for

Additional Stepford Wife:
New?

Sarah Sunderson:
Scared?

Roger Bannister:
Cranky?

Claire Wellington:
[remembering] Jewish.

Bobbi Markowitz:
[smiling] Same thing.

Claire Wellington:
[to all] But the Heritage Hills series is very inclusive. In fact there is a whole chapter,

[to Bobbi]

Claire Wellington:
about Chanukah

Dave Markowitz:
Hey, Kresby-man.

Walter Kresby:
Hey Dave.

Joanna Eberhard:
How do you know each other?

Dave Markowitz:
Men's Association.

Walter Kresby:
We should get moving.

Dave Markowitz:
Yeah, we got a meeting at the Men's Association.

Joanna Eberhart:
When will you be home, honey?

Walter Kresby:
[Dave makes a face at Walter] When I'm home.

Bobbie Markowitz:
Add it up. All the women around here are perfect sex-kitten bimbos. All the men are drooling nerds. Doesn't that seem strange?

Joanna Eberhart:
Not to me.

Bobbie Markowitz:
Why not?

Joanna Eberhart:
I work in television.

Claire Wellington:
I'm the only decent person left

Joanna Eberhart:
In Stepford?

Claire Wellington:
In the world!

Roger Bannister:
[gasps] She's fabulous!

[the Stepford Wives have been "de-Stepfordized"]

Joanna Eberhard:
Mike, Mike, what happened? I was in the garden and I was dreaming about your... your smile and your aftershave and then I realized... [In a sinister voice] I could do *better*!

Roger Bannister:
[Excited] Jerry... Jerry, its a bakesale! An actual bakesale! It's like some heavenly diorama at the Smithsonian in the Hall of Homemakers.

Roger Bannister:
Oh, no. No, stop it. Stop it. Stop it. Stop it. That is not cobbler!

Jerry Harmon:
Roger... could we - could we reel it in a couple hundred yards?

Roger Bannister:
[to the Stepford Wives at bakesale] How do you ladies keep your figures? Is there just a huge vat of cobbler vomit somewhere?... But worth it?

Joanna Eberhard:
If you're in Manhattan, what do you do if you find out you're neighbour is sick?

Roger Bannister:
Call her...

Bobbi Markowitz:
-To see if she is going to die...

Roger Bannister:
-So we could rent the apartment.

Roger Bannister:
She's drunk

Bobbie Markowitz:
She's blonde.

Refrigerator:
We need juice. We need juice. We need juice.

Claire Wellington:
[manically] Does anyone have a screwdriver?

Walter Kresby:
So that's why we have to leave Stepford? I'm not following.

Joanna Eberhart:
Ok. Before, Roger was witty and stylish and ironic.

Walter Kresby:
And I'm sure he still is.

Joanna Eberhart:
No. Now he's making speeches in a Brooks Brothers suit.

Walter Kresby:
Hey, there's lots of ways to be gay. Don't try to make him into a stereotype.

Joanna Eberhart:
Bobbie is right, and she's leaving too. This place does something to people. All of the women are always busy and perfect and smiling, and all of the men are always happy.

Walter Kresby:
And that's a problem because?

Joanna Eberhart:
Because it's not normal, Walter. It's... It's not our world. It's not us. And I'm picking up our kids from camp right now, and we're getting out of here. With or without you. [she goes to the front door but it is locked, she is extremely frusrated]

Walter Kresby:
You'll never change will you? Not really.

Joanna Eberhart:
[deadpan] Open the door.

Walter Kresby:
[he disables the security system, Joanna is leaving when... ] And you're right.

Joanna Eberhart:
[she turns to him] About what?

Walter Kresby:
If you're that unhappy, then we should move. Maybe head back to the city. We could leave tomorrow.

Joanna Eberhart:
[she sighs and hugs Walter] Thank you. Thank you.

Bobbi Markowitz:
[as Claire is ranting and raving during the reception] She's nuts!

Claire Wellington:
I was the world's foremost brain surgeon and genetic engineer. I had top-secret contracts with the Pentagon, Apple and Mattel. I was driven. Exhausted. Until late one night, I came home to find... [stunned] Mike... with Patricia. My brilliant... blond... 21-year-old research assistant. It was all so... [in a deep manly voice]... ugly. [Continues in a disconnectedly happy voice] Then early the next morning, as I gazed across the breakfast table at their lifeless bodies, I thought... "What have I done?" But more importantly... what could I do to make the world more beautiful?

Walter Kresby:
You're even better at sex, don't deny it.

Joanna Eberhard:
I wasn't going to.

Joanna Eberhard:
You're insane!

Claire Wellington:
I'm in love. With the waltz, and a town

[pauses, picks up Mikes head]

Claire Wellington:
and a man.

[Kisses Mikes head]