The Stöned Age

Hubbs:
I'd kick his ass if it wasn't for his massive upper body stregnth.

Hubbs:
Ever since you got hit by that laser at that Blue Oyster Cult Show you've been acting like a p*ssy!

Tack:
Bring on the b*tches!

Joe:
Technically you're his chicks.

Hubbs:
Every band puts out at least one p*ssy song so they can find out who the faggots are!

Dad:
Where do you get your values? From that stinking heavy metal music you listen to day and night?

Joe:
Yeah, that's it, man. It's all the music! You know everything is just fine until we just listen to a couple of heavy metal albums. Then we get all f***ed up!

Joe:
Who's it gonna be, just you chicks?

Hubbs:
Actually ladies we gotta get going.

Hubbs:
Just cruisin' man.

Tack:
What chick's gonna wanna go out with a krater face?

Joe:
Your face will clear up some day man, and who knows, maybe you can meet a chick with an acne problem too. Then you two will have something in common.

Tack:
I don't want no chicks with zits, I want fine chicks!

Joe:
Nothing happened, man. She didn't even give me head.

Joe:
Sh*t man! I gotta get that chic's phone number. How do you spell Weijikowokawitz anyway?

Hubbs:
What are you gonna f***ing call her man? That's the whole point. Shes from up north! You never have to see her again! You didnt even pork her, thank god!

Joe:
Hubbs, man. You just dont get it, do you? Man, I was digging on that chic!

Hubbs:
What did she have like a great personality? Ahahaha! You're thinking too much p*ssy!

Tack:
You'd rather watch The Dukes of Hazzard instead of getting laid?

Hubbs:
Information without transportation equals dick.

Joe:
You can still catch a buzz off of it.

Hubbs:
You're going to get your ass kicked over some fatass chick man?

Hubbs:
Oh man... Crump's brother is going to kick our ass bad. But it was worth it eh dude? That chick was rad.

Joe:
Uh... yeah man.

Hubbs:
What? You blew it? You didn't go for it?

Hubbs:
I should kick your ass myself.

Hubbs:
If it wasn't for you and this fag me and Joe would be having a tittie-fest right now!

Joe:
It still ain't cool to just worm his chicks man.

Hubbs:
What the f*** Joe! Is that f***in' eyeball lookin' at you again?

Jill Wajakawakawitz:
Who's Tack?

Joe:
Just Some Dude

Mrs. Hankey:
Don't be such a Poopydoodle!

Hubbs:
I'd kick his ass if it wasn't for his massive upper body stregnth.

Hubbs:
Ever since you got hit by that laser at that Blue Oyster Cult Show you've been acting like a p*ssy!

Tack:
Bring on the b*tches!

Joe:
Technically you're his chicks.

Hubbs:
Every band puts out at least one p*ssy song so they can find out who the faggots are!

Dad:
Where do you get your values? From that stinking heavy metal music you listen to day and night?

Joe:
Yeah, that's it, man. It's all the music! You know everything is just fine until we just listen to a couple of heavy metal albums. Then we get all f***ed up!

Buffalo Chick #1:
It's a party.

Joe:
Who's it gonna be, just you chicks?

Buffalo Chick #1:
Yeah. We could play... submarine.

Hubbs:
Actually ladies we gotta get going.

Buffalo Chick #2:
Where you going?

Hubbs:
Just cruisin' man.

Tack:
What chick's gonna wanna go out with a krater face?

Joe:
Your face will clear up some day man, and who knows, maybe you can meet a chick with an acne problem too. Then you two will have something in common.

Tack:
I don't want no chicks with zits, I want fine chicks!

Joe:
Nothing happened, man. She didn't even give me head.

Joe:
Sh*t man! I gotta get that chic's phone number. How do you spell Weijikowokawitz anyway?

Hubbs:
What are you gonna f***ing call her man? That's the whole point. Shes from up north! You never have to see her again! You didnt even pork her, thank god!

Joe:
Hubbs, man. You just dont get it, do you? Man, I was digging on that chic!

Hubbs:
What did she have like a great personality? Ahahaha! You're thinking too much p*ssy!

Tack:
You'd rather watch The Dukes of Hazzard instead of getting laid?

Hubbs:
Information without transportation equals dick.

Lanie:
[takes hit from pipe, coughs] This is f***in' skank weed!

Joe:
You can still catch a buzz off of it.

Hubbs:
You're going to get your ass kicked over some fatass chick man?

[Crump's brother is kicking down the door and Joe and Hubbs run to hide in the kitchen]

Hubbs:
Oh man... Crump's brother is going to kick our ass bad. But it was worth it, eh dude? That chick was rad.

Joe:
Uh... yeah, man.

Hubbs:
What? You blew it? You didn't go for it?

[Joe looks away]

Hubbs:
I should kick your ass myself.

Hubbs:
If it wasn't for you and this fag, me and Joe would be having a tittie-fest right now!

Joe:
It still ain't cool to just worm his chicks, man.

Hubbs:
What the f***, Joe! Is that f***in' eyeball lookin' at you again?

Lanie:
Who's Tack?

Joe:
Just some dude.

Mrs. Hankey:
Don't be such a Poopydoodle!

Jill Wajakawakawitz:
Guy kinda reminds me of Mondo Man.

Lanie:
Yeah kind of.

Joe:
Who the f*** is Mondo Man?

Jill Wajakawakawitz:
Oh, he's just some dude.

Hubbs:
Well, you can spend the night at home spanking the monkey with your granpappy but I'm getting laid.

Hubbs:
Hey Tack, we'll trade you this half-joint of burlsense bud for the chicks.

Tack:
F***ing skank weed, man.

Hubbs:
Ok. How about we give you this entire bottle of the Schnappster, you tell us where the chicks are?

Tack:
That sh*t makes me hork.

Hubbs:
Come on, this will get six fat chicks all William Holden-style f***ed up.

Tack:
[contemplates it for a second] F*** that!

Hubbs:
We got chicks! We're gonna f***'em doggy style and sh*t on their parents' bed.

Joe:
What about the bikini you bought her so you could watch her out by the pool and sport wood?

Joe:
So you got a plan tonight, or what?

Hubbs:
F*** yeah, I got a plan, man. I got a radically hellacious plan! First, we get a shitload of tall cans, right? Them, an eight-ball... no... quarter O-Z. Fifth of Jack, just to take the edge off, then we spark up the thick, burlacious ganja-bud, get those chicks all horn-dogged out.

Joe:
Hubbs, man, we're just gonna do what we always do. We'll drive around like dumb-f***s, then we're gonna wind up at that Stop 'n Go place, man, eatin' those Renaldo's burritos.

Hubbs:
Shut up, Joe, fag! You go an attitude problem, man!

Joe:
Sh*t! My Tape! This f***in' machine just scarfed my tape!

Hubbs:
Big sh*t, man, put in another. [Don't fear the Reaper by Blue Oyster Cult begins playing] What the f*** is that?

Joe:
It's "Don't fear the Reaper", man.

Hubbs:
Hey, you're not playin' that p*ssy sh*t in the Blue Torpedo, man. I told you!

Joe:
It's Blue Oyster Cult.

Hubbs:
I don't give a f*** if it's Blue Oyster Cult, man. It's a p*ssy song!

Joe:
If it's B.O.C., how can it be p*ssy?

Hubbs:
Lemme' tell you something, every band puts out at least one p*ssy song so they can find out who the faggots are. Now, take it out!

Joe:
F*** you, man!

Hubbs:
F*** me? [slaps Joe in the chest and puts him in a head lock]

Joe:
OW!

Hubbs:
It's a p*ssy song! Say it! It's a p*ssy song, huh, f*ggot? Say it! Say it, it's a p*ssy song!

Joe:
Okay, it's a p*ssy song! [Joe takes the tape out]

Hubbs:
I told you it's a p*ssy song!

Joe:
Check it out, man. It's Tack.

Hubbs:
[laughs] The Tackmeister? That f***in' pud! Hang a loogie on him!

Joe:
All right. [Joe rolls down the window and spits at Tack, hitting Tack square in the jaw]

Tack:
AW!

Hubbs:
Tack, you cack!

Tack:
Hey, man, I got some chicks!

Hubbs:
[brings car to screeching halt] Tack's got some chicks?

Tack:
Man, why'd you guys spit at me?

Hubbs:
[slaps Joe on the shoulder] Joe, fag! You spit on my buddy Tack, man!

Joe:
You f***in' told me to! [Hubbs slaps Joe again]

Officer Dean:
You guys probably think I'm a real butthead. You think I didn't want to taste a beer when I was your age? Hell, they used to call me "Dixie Cup" Dean.

Joe:
Wow... that's... cool.

Norm Hankey:
Tack, what are you doing here, man?

Tack:
Oh, f*** you, Snot Rag, let's book!

Norm Hankey:
Don't call me that, all right? My last name's Hankey.

Tack:
[sarcastically] All right, Hankey. Don't have a spazz. Come on, bro, let's get us some poontang!

Officer Dean:
You guys probably think I'm a real butthead. Listen, you think I didn't want to drink a bunch of beer and piss in somebody's pool when I was your age? Hell, they used to call me "Quick Dick" Dean.

Teen:
More like "Limp Dick."

Jill Wajakawakawitz:
Who's Crump's brother?

Hubbs:
He's just some dude.

Officer Dean:
You kids probably think I'm a real butthead. You think I didn't want to sneak into some girl's house when I was your age? Hell... they used to call me "Doggy Door" Dean. I was a good 2nd floor man too.

[repeated line]

Hubbs:
F*** me?

Lanie:
C'mon, it's our last day in LA, let's at least have some fun.

Jill Wajakawakawitz:
What's gonna be so fun, about watching those two burnouts get totally wasted and thrash my Dad's place?

Lanie:
They're not gonna do that. I'll get 'em to take us somewhere or something.

Jill Wajakawakawitz:
[Scoffs] Yeah, tell me about it. They're probably out there right now pissing in the ice tray.

Lanie:
Don't be so paranoid. They're not that lame. [Scene cuts to a floor-up view of Joe and Hubbs quietly laughing with the sound of ice tray filling with piss]