The Suite Life on Deck

[repeated line]

London Tipton:
Yay, me!

Woody Fink:
Uh oh, I-I think I maybe should go to the doctor. I don't think the poison sac agrees with me.

Cody Martin:
It doesn't agree with anyone! Ergo, "the poison sac."

Zack Martin:
You know what I love more than funnel cake? Nothing!

Holden:
Hey Bailey, you mind if I join you?

Bailey Pickett:
Um... [nervous laugh] Sure Holden.

London Tipton:
[addressing webcam] What Bailey doesn't know that is we've switched her bland tuna fish sandwich with a horrid jalapeno hoagie! [giggles]

Holden:
So, beautiful day huh?

Bailey Pickett:
[eats Hoagie] Umm... Hot.

Holden:
Hmm well i guess it is a little warm

Bailey Pickett:
Hot... Hot...

Holden:
Thanks. Well I guess the Body Mist is working [Bailey spits out jalapeno on Holden's shirt]

London Tipton:
See that is hot hot [giggles]

Bailey Pickett:
[while running up to waiter] water water [she takes a cup and knocks it back] Empty... Empty [snatches ice-cream out of child's hand and eats it]

London Tipton:
[like an interview with Bailey] BOO YOU! Uou've just been boo you'ed, Its a new segment on Yay Me. [whispers to Bailey] Wave to the world. [to Webcam] Viewers you asked me for more wacky, hasty Bailey and now you've got it. So Bailey how was you hoagie?

Bailey Pickett:
[cannot use her tongue] Horrible. Why I'm wery angwy about that!

London Tipton:
[to bailey] I have no idea what you're saying.

Cody Martin:
Thank you, I'm known for my frosting!

London Tipton:
[Bailey just smashed Woody's camera] Woody, that camera's coming out of your salary.

Woody Fink:
[excited] I'm getting a salary?

Mr. Moseby:
"-Boys,boys,boys... Maybe there is a lesson in all this. Maybe in the future you two become more responsible.I cant even say it with a straight face."

Mr. Moseby:
[laughter]

Zack Martin:
[speaking into sub radio to S.S. Tipton] S.O.S.! S.O.S.!

London Tipton:
[grabbing radio] No! We don't have time for spelling! Besides, we need help, not sauce!

Woody Fink:
Hey! Speak for yourself. This drumstick's getting a little dry.

Sasha Matryoshka:
[as she and Marcus play chess] Ha! You have exposed your bishop!

Marcus Little:
I have? That's so embarrassing.

Emma Tutweiller:
Man, I have to pee!

London Tipton:
[wearing a tie] I'm ready for Thailand!

Bailey Pickett:
So, if we're in Poland, you'd be carrying a ten-foot pole?

London Tipton:
Yup!

Cody Martin:
[shooting a video diary for Bailey] Hi, Bailey. It's me, Cody. This is my "missing you" diary. Day one, hour one: I miss you! A lot.

Zack Martin:
[suddenly hovering over Cody's shoulder] Bailey, you're dating a loser!

Cody Martin:
[turning camera off] Zack! Now I'm going to have to rewind and re-shoot that!

Zack Martin:
Oh, then I did you a favor.

Cody Martin:
I'm not going on your stupid date.

Zack Martin:
Alright. I didn't want to have to play this card, but... you cannot say no to being a wingman. It's in the guy rulebook.

Cody Martin:
There is no "guy rulebook".

Zack Martin:
But there is. Yeah, it's called the "Guy-ble".

Cody Martin:
Nice try.

Zack Martin:
Don't make me call the "guy-thorities".

Cody Martin:
I'm leaving.

Zack Martin:
You should read my favorite chapter: "Duderonomy".

Carey Martin:
You've always been smart. Ever since you were born and you cut your own umbilical cord.

Cody Martin:
I had to. Zack wrapped it around my neck.

Maddie Fitzpatrick:
Zack, win!

Zack Martin:
What am I gonna do? I mean, I'm not just gonna get mad jousting skills.

Maddie Fitzpatrick:
Zack, I believe in you!

[kisses Zack]

Maddie Fitzpatrick:
Now go get him, tiger.

Kurt:
Are you boys... Pardon me! Are you *men* ready for a crazy guys' weekend?

Zack Martin, Cody Martin:
Oh, yeah!

Kurt:
Nothing but late nights, piles of junk food...

Zack Martin:
Mmm!

Kurt:
...hanging out by the pool, scoping out the hot...

Zack Martin, Cody Martin:
[On seeing Carey walk in] Mom?

Kurt:
Hot moms?

Carey Martin:
Surprise!

Carey Martin:
I'm so happy to see my babies.

Zack Martin:
Mom, we're men now. We shave.

Cody Martin:
Yep. First Monday of every month.

Carey Martin:
Oh, my back is killing me. Cheap Charlie's started their own airline. They cut fares by eliminating frivolous amenities like seats and bathrooms.

Kurt:
So why don't the boys and I go have some guy fun while you rest up? Huh?

Cody Martin:
Yes.

Zack Martin:
That'd be great.

Carey Martin:
I get it. I crashed your guys' weekend.

Kurt, Zack Martin, Cody Martin:
No, no.

Cody Martin:
Not at all.

Zack Martin:
Maybe a little.

Kurt:
Totally.

Carey Martin:
Mr Moseby, it's so good to see you.

Mr. Moseby:
And here's your bill.

Carey Martin:
I haven't even checked in yet.

Mr. Moseby:
It's for everything the boys have broken since they've been on board.

Carey Martin:
[Looking at the bill] An anchor? Zack, how do you break an anchor?

Zack Martin:
Why do you always assume it was me?

[Carey looks at Zack suspiciously]

Zack Martin:
Okay, it was me.

Kurt:
[Checking out the bill] How do you break a propeller?

Zack Martin:
Easy. You drop an anchor on it.

London Tipton:
Moseby, it's your birthday? You have a birthday? Since when?

Mr. Moseby:
Pretty much since the day I was born, hence the term 'birthday'.

London Tipton:
Oh, I never put that together.

Zack Martin:
[about Carey] If she stays, she'll be pinching our cheek every day in front of girls all over the world.

Cody Martin:
They'll be mocking us in 45 different languages!

London Tipton:
[to Mr. Moseby] So, how old are you?

Mr. Moseby:
Age is but a number.

London Tipton:
I have a feeling I can't count that high.

Cody Martin:
Here, Bailey, this will cheer you up. I ordered it just for you. It's a seaweed smoothie with a broccoli boost.

Zack Martin:
We want her to cheer up, not throw up

Bailey Pickett:
I knew my pig gram would work! It's how they delivered mail in Kettlecorn until 1995.

London Tipton:
Let me guess, your phone is two cans and a string?

Bailey Pickett:
Look how lush and beautiful this island used to be.

London Tipton:
And now it's a dump, so let's get out of here!

Bailey Pickett:
It's a dump because your father ruined it, and he should fix it.

Cody Martin:
She's right. It's that kind of corporate greed that's destroying the environment.

London Tipton:
Wow, I mean, this place really did used to be beautiful.

Mr. Moseby:
Yes, and we can all be sad about it on the boat! Come on!

London Tipton:
And now that it's not beautiful, Daddy doesn't care anymore... kind of like with his first four wives.

London Tipton:
What part of "rescuring" don't you understand?

Mr. Moseby:
All of it! It's either "rescuer" or "rescuing."

London Tipton:
Well, you're not good at either-er.

Bailey Pickett:
The islanders would be so grateful, they might put your picture on their coins.

London Tipton:
Oh, do you really think so? Then I could flip myself to decide what shoes to wear!

Woody:
I gotta use the coconut!

London Tipton:
I'll be like the big sister you've never had!

Bailey Pickett:
Actually, I have six big sisters and three little ones.

London Tipton:
Wow, your mom needs a hobby!

Emma Tutweiller:
Anyway, this unscheduled stop to look for London on this tropical island presents us with a unique educational opportunity.

Zack Martin:
We're gonna learn how to surf?

Woody:
Yeah! Cowabunga! Hang Eleven!

Cody Martin:
It's "hang ten."

Woody:
Not when you got eleven toes!

Zack Martin:
You have six toes on one foot?

Woody:
Nope, eight and three!

Bailey Pickett:
It's all my fault London left.

Zack Martin:
It's not your fault. There were a lot of things London hated besides you. That came out wrong.

London Tipton:
Improvise, people! I haven't changed my outfit in four hours!

Emma Tutweiller:
London, you'll be a meteorologist.

London Tipton:
You mean I'll have to hurtle towards the Earth at thousands of miles per hour?

Emma Tutweiller:
Well, you don't have to, but I'd appreciate it.

Zack Martin:
[news closing] This is Zack Martin saying...

Bailey Pickett:
And Bailey Pickett.

Zack Martin:
...keep your head above water. Unless you're a tuna fish, then you'll die!

Bailey Pickett:
"Unless you're a tuna fish"?

Zack Martin:
That's my catchphrase, come up with your own.

Bailey Pickett:
You're an idiot.

Zack Martin:
Sorry, that's Cody's catchphrase.

Bailey Pickett:
I can't even believe that that's Miss Tutweiller doing the weather, thirty years ago.

Emma Tutweiller:
Excuse me! *Ten* years ago!

Woody Fink:
Wow. Must've been a rough ten years.

Kirby Morris:
Hey, Zack, give me an extra large berry bonanza. But hold the strawberries, blueberries, boysenberries and yogurt.

Zack Martin:
That would just be a cup of whipped cream.

Kirby Morris:
Yep, bring it on.

Cody Martin:
Miss Tutweiller, do you got a second?

Emma Tutweiller:
Of course, Cody. Why would I need time to relax after teaching six classes, sitting in gum, and being stood up for a date via video chat?

London Tipton:
Oh, good, so you're free!

Bailey Pickett:
We want to know who gets what job for the news show.

Zack Martin:
Now, of course, I'll be the anchorman... [gestures toward the rest of the students]... but what about all these clowns?

Bailey Pickett:
How do you know it'll be an anchorman and not an anchorwoman?

London Tipton:
Or just an anchor? Hello, people! We are on a ship!

Bailey Pickett:
That is a ding dong riot!

London Tipton:
[southern accent] That *is* a ding dong riot!

Emma Tutweiller:
The next report is on...

Bailey Pickett:
Please say Kettlepot, please say Kettlepot! [dons a cowboy hat]

Emma Tutweiller:
Tokyo.

Bailey Pickett:
Goose darn it!

Cody Martin:
[talking about Miss Tutweiller] Looks like she's busy with Moseby.

Bailey Pickett:
Yeah, look at those two. Do you think they're courtin'?

Zack Martin:
First of all, no one's been "courtin'" since 1922, which, by the way, was the last time Moseby had a date.

Emma Tutweiller:
[to the students] You people should be ashamed of yourselves. Do you think this class is a joke? [Zack is discreetly listening to a Red Sox game on a radio]

Zack Martin:
[jumping up; shouting] Yes! [sees Miss Tutweiller staring at him]... Unless the right answer is no!

Cody Martin:
The only woman Moseby has kissed in the past thirty years was his mother, and even she's not too thrilled about it.

London Tipton:
Wow.

Bailey Pickett:
What?

London Tipton:
I look good in glitter!

Bailey Pickett:
Stinky make you thinky.

Woody:
I'm filthy.

London Tipton:
I'm filthy rich!

London Tipton:
So if this is New Orleans, what happened to old Orleans? Did it retire?

Bailey Pickett:
Yes, it retired and moved to Florida.

Woody Fink:
[dressed for Mardi Gras, including a mask] So? We're in New Orleans! Who's ready to celebrate Mardi Gras?

Cody Martin:
Nobody. Mardi Gras isn't for three months.

Woody Fink:
Dang it! Can I still wear the mask?

Zack Martin:
I'm sure the people of New Orleans would appreciate it.

London Tipton:
[hearing Mr. Moseby play a piano in his cabin] That's weird. Usually when I walk by Moseby's cabin, I hear, "Mother, for the hundredth time, I'm married to my job!"

Mr. Moseby:
[to London] If you had a five-o-clock shadow and a fishing pole in your hand, you could be my father.

Zack Martin:
There's some seriously strange stuff happening here. Mr. Moseby was talking about some ghost captain, and I think he's haunting the ship. He is turning off lights and turning on blenders and typing on my computer...

Cody Martin:
Wow, he's got more skills than you do.

Cody Martin:
So are we all heading to the French Quarter? I can't wait to have some gumbo. It's delicious to eat *and* fun to say. Gumbo!

Woody Fink:
And jambalaya.

Cody Martin, Woody Fink:
Jambalaya!

Zack Martin:
I'm sorry I can't join you jamba-losers, but I got an F on my history paper, and Miss Tutweiller won't let me go ashore until I rewrite it.

Cody Martin:
Well, I told you not to write your history paper about a video game.

Zack Martin:
Hey! "Knights of Horror" was based in the Middle Ages, and I did a lot of research. I made it all the way to level 8.

Cody Martin:
I can't believe you made it to *grade* 8.

Bailey Pickett:
[after Bailey's pig finds the rope] You're the best and I'm not faking, I won't turn you into bacon! Give me a "P"! [pig snorts] No! Not on the deck!

[Zack seems to be drowning, a la Jack Dawson]

Zack Martin:
Never let go. Never let go.

Mr. Moseby:
It's a hot tub! Just stand up!

Cody Martin:
Ahhh! Wow, that was the most invigorating climb of my life!

Zack Martin:
[wheezing and coughing] I need to go back I think I dropped a lung.

Cody Martin:
My Bu! What did you do to my Bu? Now it's just goo!

Zack Martin:
Oh, well, boo hoo for you!

Cody Martin:
Dude, you're a girl!

Bailey Pickett:
I am? That explains so much.

Carey Martin:
[on sending the twins to Seven Seas High] It was a great opportunity and I could afford it with my employee discount. How could I say no?

Mr. Moseby:
Like this: No! [Mr. Moseby runs to the edge of the ship and jumps off into the ocean]

Carey Martin:
He took that better than I thought.

London Tipton:
Moseby, enough of your problems. I'm on vacation. Yay, me!

Mr. Moseby:
Well, actually, "Yay, you" is on the ship to attend Seven Seas High School. While it may be on a cruise ship, London, this is not a vacation. Your daddy put you on this boat so that you can't jet off to Paris for lunch and miss your afternoon classes.

London Tipton:
I had afternoon classes? What's next: classes in the morning?

Cody Martin:
[entering his cabin] Hi, I'm Co... Holy Toledo!

Woody Fink:
Nice to meet you, Co-Holy.

Cody Martin:
Uh, what happened in here?

Woody Fink:
Oh, I was looking for my underwear. Oh, there it is. [holds up a single pair of underwear]

Cody Martin:
You only brought one pair?

Woody Fink:
Plus the pair I'm wearing.

London Tipton:
But why do they call him a purser?

Emma Tutweiller:
I don't know, but I do know that it is not his job to hold your purse.

London Tipton:
Fine, then you hold it.

[gives Ms. Tutweiller her purse, which suddenly pulls her down, as if heavy]

Emma Tutweiller:
Oh! Good grief, what is in this?

London Tipton:
My allowance.

Bailey Pickett:
[noticing Zack's room] What a mess!

Zack Martin:
Oh, no! You're not one of those neat freaks, are you? Because I've dealt with one of those before.

Bailey Pickett:
No, man, I'm just one of the guys. [Zack looks inside Bailey's suitcase and finds a bra in it] Uh, that's my girlfriend's.

Zack Martin:
Well, I didn't think it was yours. So, uh, what's your girl like?

Bailey Pickett:
She's very intelligent and she's got a great personality.

Zack Martin:
Arf, arf.

Cody Martin:
I have tomato in places tomato should never be!

Zack Martin:
This pizza-in-a-cone is a-maaa-zing! It's all the fun of ice cream, with the nutritional goodness of pizza!

Cody Martin:
I will not put that garbage in my body. Now, let's look for Gigi's dumpster; I want leftovers!

Gigi:
[Escorting two cooks out of her restaurant] Get out! You're fired! You don't even know the difference between a tortellini and a tortelloni!

Cody Martin:
I do! Tortellini are ring-shaped pastas stuffed with a meat and cheese, while tortelloni are round or rectangular, stuffed with a mixture of cheese and vegetables.

Zack Martin:
And Cowboyghetti has spaghetti-shaped lassos and horse-shaped meatballs!

Gigi:
[to Cody] I'm desperate. You're hired! [to Zack, unenthusiastically] You can help.

Zack Martin:
I think the Cowboyghetti thing really put it over the top!

London Tipton:
I am not 'nouveau riche!' I am *filthy* riche!

Cody Martin:
[reading out Debby's dating questionnaire answers] Now, let's see. Favourite flower, iris. Favourite tree, pine. And ooh, that's interesting. She likes corncob art. Folky.

Zack Martin:
Stupidy.

London Tipton:
I just wanna show you this compatibility questionaire.

Emma Tutweiller:
From the singles' cruise? Thank you, but I am not looking for anyone right now.

London Tipton:
It's Friday night and you're standing in a classroom drawing squiggly lines on the blackboard.

Emma Tutweiller:
Good point. What's the first question?

London Tipton:
Goody. [sits down] Do you care if a man has money? [types in answer] Must be rich. Do you like the outdoorsy type? [types in answer] If he's outside a jewelry store.

Emma Tutweiller:
Excuse me, these are supposed to be my answers and I am not that shallow.

London Tipton:
You want me to change it to 'wants poor guy who lives outside jewelry store'?

Emma Tutweiller:
Let's go with rich. You already typed it in.

Zack Martin:
Hey Marion. Speaking of Marion, don't you ever want to get married and have kids?

Mr. Moseby:
Agh. Why on earth would I want to do that? Besides, I'm married to the ship.

Zack Martin:
Lemme guess. She was a cute little sailboat when you met. But as soon as you got married, she blew up big. [makes ship sounds] I'm sure you two will be very happy together.

Mr. Moseby:
Are you naturally annoying or do you have to work at it?

Zack Martin:
Hey, why don't you fill out this singles' cruise questionairre?

Mr. Moseby:
Hey, why don't I not?

Zack Martin:
I'm just trying to help you find a little happiness.

Mr. Moseby:
Then leave.

Zack Martin:
Here's an easy question. What's your favourite food?

Mr. Moseby:
Oo in the summer it's a lovely fruit salad with a delicate pomegranate dressing. However in the winter I prefer something hot do you know, like a steaming casserole.

Zack Martin:
A-actually, that doesn't fit in the box. And frankly, I just can't spell it.

[first lines]

London Tipton:
Yay! Race driver me! I win! I win! And more importantly, you lose! You lose!

Cody:
I require, that ah wire