The Thief and the Cobbler

Zigzag:
[as he is being eaten by crocodiles] Ow, my bottom! Ow, my top! Greedys, don't you ever stop?

Zigzag:
O Great King Nod, have no fear. Zigzag, your grand vizier is here!

King Nod:
[wakes up] What, what? [bored] Oh, it's *you*... Zigzag!

Nurse:
Your bath's ready! The water's getting cold! Princess, he's a cobbler! Keep your eyes on your work, Cobbler!

Tack the Cobbler:
Y-yes, ma'am.

Tack the Cobbler:
[after Princess Yum-Yum and Nanny leave] Nothing wrong with being a Cobbler. Why can't I ever talk when it matters?

Mighty One-Eye:
[Zigzag presnts himself before the One-Eye] Sorceror!

Zigzag:
I conjure demons, and charm beasts! And birds of prey, too! Phido! [makes Phido go through hoops] But as you see, that's not all I can do! Haha! Hee-hee! I have power over people, too, though they may appear complex. For me... they fall like playing cards... and I control the decks! [brandishes deck of cards with tricks but they slip up] Ah! Eh-heh! Ho ho! Ah! Hee-hee! But all this is nothing for now in my hand is the very key to the Golden land, for no man can take it, no matter how great, unless he possesses these three balls [presents balls] OF FATE!

Mighty One-Eye:
You say you can charm beasts? [laughs to himself] THROW HIM TO THE ALLIGATORS!

Princess Yum Yum:
[singing] But she is more than this / There's a mind in the body of this pretty miss!

Princess Yum Yum:
This life I live in regal splendor seems a waste. If I could help Father, instead of just sitting as his side. If I could help just one person, maybe then he'd understand there's more to me, I'd be doing something useful.

Princess Yum Yum:
Do cobblers have names?

[Tack nods]

Princess Yum Yum:
What *is* your name?

Tack the Cobbler:
[holds up a tack] Tack.

Princess Yum Yum:
Tack? Is that your name?

Chief Roofless:
May I remind you gentlemen that when in doubt, consult the brigand's... book!

Princess Yum Yum:
[referring to Tack] *Who* is this?

Zigzag:
O Greatest King of all the Earth, this lowball [uses cane to stop Tack from walking off] cobbler of no worth, attacked me in the square today! Shall we take his head away?

King Nod:
[waking up] What? No, no, if you really think so, Zigzag.

Princess Yum Yum:
But what has he done?

Zigzag:
[takes tack from Tack's mouth] A*ttacked* me!

Princess Yum Yum:
*Really*?

Zigzag:
[hisses] Yes!

Zigzag:
The camp of the One-Eyes... how very nice! Perhaps *they'll* be willing to pay my price! I'll have those barbarians kissing my feet! [to Phido] And maybe, we'll find you something to eat... eh, Phido?

Mighty One-Eye:
ONE-EYES... WIN AGAIN!

Zigzag:
[Tack has tripped him] Ooh-ow! You great fool!

King Nod:
[wakes up] AAAH! WHAT IF THE BALLS ARE TAKEN AWAY?

Zigzag:
A *way* has never been found to take them away! What freak of nature could ever ever get up to the top of that minaret?

[Thief is shown actually going *over* minaret]

[last lines]

[original version]

Princess Yum-Yum:
I love you.

[Tack takes the tacks from his mouth at last]

Tack the Cobbler:
And I love you.

[they hug]

The Thief:
Ooh! What's that? Oh, a naked lady. But wait! A golden backscratcher!

The Thief:
Drank my coffee, read the paper, now it's time to get to work.

The Thief:
[falls into slingshot with one golden ball] No, guys. Come on. I'm not tall enough to ride this ride. Aaaand I suffer from dizzy-spells, honest. Aaaaaand I'm pregnant!

The Thief:
What a dump! Nobody lives like this except college kids...

The Thief:
Finally, a benefit from my parents being circus people!

The Thief:
Rule number one: Keep your eye on the wire and have feet like a monkey. Rule number two: It's always good to wear underwear when you're up this high, otherwise you could attract a sizable crowd. That brings us to rule number three. Rule number three... what's rule number three? I always forget rule number three. Rule number one: eyes and feet, rule number two: underwear.

The Thief:
[lifts smallest ball off mineret] You're gonna buy me a castle by the sea. [lifts second ball off] And you're gonna buy me everything I need to turn the basement into a rec room. And with you, [lifts third ball off, struggles] I tell ya, sweetheart, I'm going to Disneyland!

Phido the Vulture:
[flying into the pit] Heeeeere's Phido!

Zigzag:
[saddened that Phido wants to eat him] You too, Phido?... Man's best friend.

Zigzag:
[dying] For Zig Zag then... This is... THE END

Zigzag:
To please King Nod, beloved by all, commence the game; in short: PLAY BALL!

The Thief:
Everything hurts. Why do I *do* this? What's the point? [catches sight of the Golden Balls] Oh, *yeah*; pain's gone.

The Thief:
[makes to the top of the minaret] OK, OK. Who's got the camera?

Tack the Cobbler:
[freeing himself] Who needs a genie, when a tack will do the trick?

Phido the Vulture:
I'm so hungry I could eat a vegetarian.

Phido the Vulture:
Ya miss me? [Zig Zag swats him so he's forced away by several feet] AHH! Call the Humane Society.

Princess Yum Yum:
Father, I'm smarter than any man in this city. And, faster than your clumsy - henchman.

Phido the Vulture:
So where's the roadkill; a bird's gotta ear, you know.

Phido the Vulture:
Is this when we eat? I need to eat, I don't see any food; I'm still hungry here. [seeing One-Eye] I think I just lost my appetite.

Tack the Cobbler:
Well, I guess they never ran into a cobbler before.

Phido the Vulture:
[laughs when he hears Zig Zag set for a fate that will probably kill him] And I'll eat the leftovers.

The Thief:
They should have a sign: "Beware of Signs".

The Thief:
Hey! Two trees on the edge of an impossible-to-climb cliff - perfect!

Mad Holy Old Witch:
Belief in yourself is what you lack. Attack, attack, and never look back.

Princess Yum Yum:
[urgently] Back to the city, Roofless. Hurry! Hurry!

The Thief:
[wearily giving chase] Yeah, "hurry"; *you're* being carried!

The Thief:
If I find out that's just gold paint...

King Nod:
The balls are gone!