The Three Stooges Go Around the World in a Daze

Lory Filch:
You're a fine one, Vickers Cavendish. Wasting your time reading when you should be thinking up some scheme to defraud.

[Larry comes in with a waterlogged newspaper and hands it to Moe]

Larry:
They left it in the swimming pool today.

Moe:
Oh, I see. The tadpole edition.

Larry:
Yeah, the tadpole edi...

[Moe whaps Larry with the paper]

Moe:
That's for now. Remind me to kill you later.

Larry:
I had the brains to steal this from the Duke's palace next door. [pulls fresh newspaper from coat] You thought I was stupid, didn't ya?

Moe:
Now I'm sure of it.

Phileas Fogg III:
Moe, about how long would you say I've been having kippers for breakfast?

Moe:
Man and boy, I'd say we've been eating our kippers every day for, it must be 11 years, sir.

Phileas Fogg III:
Time for a change. Starting tomorrow, I'd like sausages.

Moe:
Oh, those ugly little brown - SAUSAGES?

[Curly-Joe opens door just as Moe is coming through; there is a spectacular crash of breakfast dishes and cutlery]

Curly-Joe:
I'm sorry, Moe. The door swung and all the dishes broke.

Moe:
Well, don't distress yourself, lad. You didn't break everything.

Curly-Joe:
I didn't?

Moe:
[Holds up an intact plate] Here's one you missed.

Curly-Joe:
Hey!

[Moe breaks it over his head]

[the Three Stooges are trying to convince Phileas to take them with him]

Moe:
Who's going to lay out your day togs for daywear?

Moe:
And your night togs for nightmares?

Curly-Joe:
Remember, we're born chiselers.

Larry:
Oh, boy! We're going around the world on our wits!

Moe:
With your wits, you won't get past the front door.

[Amelia is using the back of a frying pan as a mirror while Phileas plots their course]

Phileas Fogg III:
Now, owing to monsoons at this time of year, we may have trouble getting across this bridge. It could be completely under water.

Curly-Joe:
Don't worry, we'll cross that bridge when we come to it.

Moe:
[chuckling] Pardon me, may I have the mirror?

Amelia Carter:
Why, certainly.

Moe:
You know, a sharp crack deserves a sharp answer.

Curly-Joe:
Yeah.

[Moe whaps Curly-Joe with pan]

[tootling on horn to entice a snake out of its jar]

Larry:
[frustrated] He don't like my music.

Moe:
He's not supposed to like it. He's gotta hate it. Then he comes out, sees you, goes out of his mind, and while he's out, I clobber him.

Moe:
We are official bodyguards. Also double as man Friday.

Larry:
And Saturday.

Moe:
His pistol record is [mumbling] shots out of a possible 300.

Curly-Joe:
That's without bullets.

Moe:
The rajah says that he will, without the aid of a telescope, shoot a raisin from the top of this gentleman's head.

Larry:
Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Hold it. Shoot *what* raisin from *which* gentleman's head?

Moe:
Oh, pardon me for calling you a gentleman, sir.

Moe:
The rajah says that at this time he will throw the razor-edged daggers at random.

Larry:
Random? Get him up here. Hey, Randy, come on.

Moe:
[glowering at Larry] Pardon me, Mister Random.

Larry:
You don't think I'm going to let that blind bat throw knives at me, do you?

Moe:
Blind bat? Why, he can see better than you can and I can prove it.

Larry:
Well, you better prove it.

[picks up large round tray and holds it up to Curly-Joe's eyes]

Moe:
Maha.

Curly-Joe:
[peers in opposite direction] Aha?

Moe:
Rajah!

[Curly-Joe turns around and stares closely at tray]

Moe:
What is this?

Curly-Joe:
Half a dollar.

Larry:
You're right. I thought it was a dime.

[Curly-Joe's thrown knife grazes Larry's fake mustache]

Moe:
Missed that.

Curly-Joe:
Missed that? Impossible!

Larry:
Missed that? What is he aiming at?

Moe:
You'll find out.

[Guards are roughing up Curly-Joe]

Moe:
Wait a minute. You're gonna hit a man with glasses?

Curly-Joe:
[gratefully, as guards pause] Yeah!

Moe:
[takes away glasses] Go ahead!

[Soldier shouts in Chinese as Phileas and co. sail away]

Chinese Non-Com:
[Subtitle] CENSORED. AND DON'T COME BACK!

Moe:
If you keep on trying, you'll always have a chance.

Larry:
Yeah, and we'll starve to death in the meantime.

[Everyone is under arrest for stowing away in the back of a truck]

Moe:
Four days directly to New York. And here we are, thanks to you.

Larry:
You don't have to thank me.

[after a prolonged fight in the dark where everyone keeps hitting the wrong people before finally knocking out the bad guys]

Moe:
I knew you'd get the right ones if you kept on swinging.

Moe:
[in re Itchi Kitchi] That's not a man! That's a committee!